No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[wolvie666]

You seem to know what you're talking about in these situations. Long story short. Fiance and I were together for 7 years. 2 months ago out of nowhere she dumps me for somebody else. The guy she dumps me for is the complete opposite of me (and her actually). He is a heavy drinker, does drugs, picks fights with people, just a jerk in general. My fiance says she is in love with this guy and that she no longer loves me, but she still calls me if she doesn't hear from me for a while. She called me 2 days ago and was acting sort of funny like she had more to say than she was saying and she even made the comment, "maybe we can get together one day this week." I know her new guy has forbidden her to talk to me, so why if she is over me and in love with him would she be asking to see me? I find it hard to believe that she could be over me already (we were extremely close and her behavior recently really goes against the way she has always been) as she constantly wanted me by her side. Do you think she is trying to cover up her confusion? Is she wondering if she's made the right choices? I for one know she has made terrible choices these past 2 months and is not being true to herself at all. Her calls seem to be a weekly thing. 2 weeks ago she called and I was playing it cool and she said, "you sound so sad..." I knew I didn't so I figure she doesn't want me to be over her. What do you think? You think she is trying to string me along because she's not sure if this thing will work out with the other guy?

[dreamguy]

wolvie,

You said you found it hard to believe that she could be over you already. I doubt "over you" is the right term to use. As I said in a previous post (and that's my modest opinion) I seriously think people cannot forget someone they have once loved that easily ! Some people are just good actors and they fake it so well that you end up believing it.

 

You seem to have left out a lot of details from your story. You have to go back in time and check if you smothered your fiancée too much or acted in an insecure way around her. This could have led her to lose the attraction she once had for you and she then became attracted to the sense of adventure and rebellion she found in this new guy. Not to forget we are always attracted to newness but this usually fades after a few months have elapsed.

 

There are a lot of articles that are entitled "Why do nice guys always finish last" and "She left me for a complete jerk". Men often think that once a woman is attracted to them she will always feel this way no matter what they do. WRONG. You can do things like smothering and suffocating your woman by always telling her how you feel for her, always displaying jealousy for nothing, always calling (too many times per day), always apologizing even when you have done nothing wrong, always looking for self-approval. All of this will make her lose the initial attraction she had for you which will, in turn, make her feel confused about what she wants.

 

She might be calling you because she feels guilty for having wronged you and/or hurt you by leaving you.

Besides, just because she said she doesn't love you doesn't mean she doesn't care about your well-being enough to call and check on you every now and then.

 

She seems to be somehow confused and I would have to agree that she could be stringing you along right now in case things don't work out between her and her new boyfriend. At the same time, when she keeps calling you from time to time she finds it easier to justify her decision of leaving you by telling herself that she wasn't a complete b*tch who turned around and walked away without asking about you.

 

Do you get my point ? I hope you do because I'm going to end my reply by asking you to do something very hard. The hardest thing you can do right now but also the best thing to do if you ever want to try and win her back.

She didn't leave you just to have time for herself. She left you for another man, just like my ex did 3 months ago, and that my friend calls for extreme counter active measures starting from today !

When she calls you don't answer her everytime. Make up excuses, say you were busy with something and you intended to call her back (of course you didn't intend to but you just tell her that).

When she asks how you are doing tell her "I'm great"... don't tell her "I'm good or I'm ok or I'm alive". And you'd better make it sound real when you say it !

When she asks what you have been up to tell her you've been going out with some friends and you've been pretty busy lately.

If she asks who those friends are tell her "well, no one you know".

If she tries to know whether you're seeing someone or not, just tell her "kind of but there's nothing serious yet". Do NOT volunteer additional information as you might come across as a liar who's only trying to impress her to win her back.

One last thing you should do is to effectively go out and have fun. Don't stay at home all day moping around, thinking about her and asking yourself "what if" questions. This won't bring her back ! What might bring her back is when she sees you're a strong man who is able to move on with his life and make the best of it even during the hardest times.

[crazydawg]

Amen

[fishman3226]

I had a beautiful situation last night - whilst buying a coffee with a mate in walks (into the coffee shop) my ex. I had my back t the door and I dont think she initially recognised me (I have a lot of new clothes.)

 

Anyways she sits down at a pc to surf the web or check emails or whatever and ultimately I notice a glance across to my direction. I make a point of being noticed - not hard when the shop is small - by chatting to my mate about the relief management I am doing. Anywaysyou can see her trying to look like she is ignoring me - so I play along. As I leve I have to walk past (outside the shop) where she is and as I walk past acting like the goat I am normally I can feel my eyes upon me.

 

My mate looks across and says she was looking at me kind of annoyed.

 

It felt great!! I am standing there having a coffee with a mate in my new suit and talkng about my new work role and in walks (by herself) my ex all alone. I remember reading that relationship breakups are like a power game - well I can tell you I know who is in power now.

 

I know I am still in love with this girl but I can also say I dont like her as a person. She is a immature indidivual and to be honest I have done better.

 

The reason why I said he misses you is because, as I have already once said, forgetting about someone we have once really loved is harder than you think. Most people don't forget but they put on an act and fake it. They pretend they are fine just so they appear strong. They pretend they don't care because they know this is what it takes to walk away from the situation. Don't be fooled. He is surely missing you every day.

 

Man this is soo true - I can vouch for this last night from personal experience. ANd only when they realise just how out of grasp it is do they starting wanting it more.

[Hurt]

I am glad the no contact rule works, I am also going thru this and it is killing me! I want to email her every day and I dont.

[maui2k4]

I think the no contact rule is by far much harder for the dumpee than the dumper. My situation has a woman that I have been on and off for breaking it off again for someone she met a week and a half ago. I doubt she has trouble with no contact since she has a new flame to fuel her fire. We had contact today, but I know I have to cease it or I will continue to want to talk and communicate and needlessly sob when I know she is not. I know that no contact works, it is just harder as the one that gets kicked to the curb because you are not the one that wanted it to end. In the end, only time heals wounds... I just hope that I do not end up in the same boat a couple of months from now with her crying at my doorstep wanting me to take her back. If I do, then I would be making a huge mistake - yet again. I realize there are others out there to make me happy and I have to keep telling myself there are many others than her. It just takes time...

[wolvie666]

Yeah. I have been going out. And actually do have a whole bunch of new friends that she doesn't know. And I never smothered her, in fact when I couldn't be there with her she would be calling me or getting frustrated because I had work to do, etc. The reason I feel like there is good chance she will come back is because she has already almost come back 3 times since we broke up 2 months ago. First, 3 weeks after she dumped me she called me and asked me to come over and I did and she was crying and begging me to hold her and when I did she was saying, "I know these arms are where I belong. I don't know what's wrong with me I don't feel like myself I just want to get back to normal..." But the next day we were back to being broken up. Then 2 weeks after that my phone rang in the middle of the night and it was her crying again saying she knew that she loved me and felt like we were meant to be together and that she wasn't happy with the life shes been living. And then about a week after that when I was considering a move to New York to take a job with my cousin's start up company she freaked and said, "please don't go..." to which I responded, "what reason do I have to stay." And then she said, "What if I know deep down that you're the one I want to be with someday?"

 

Yes it screwed with my head and she hasn't done anything like that since then other than her comments about this possibly being a "seven year itch." This guy is absolutely not the type of guy she will want to commit herself to for a long time even if she is fooling herself into thinking she would like to. He has a reputation for going from girl to girl like crazy and he fills these girls up with ideas about him wanting a future with them, he loves them, etc, but then dumps them shortly thereafter. He's doing the same thing to her. He is also known for being a violent guy, the type that will punch somebody in the face for no reason. The kind of guy she would have never given the time of day to before... So I'm trying to be patient. But at the same time I am continuing on with my life. Because I know damn well she may not come back to me. Love doesn't always conquer all.

[Lonestar]

If I could just find someone else, I'd probably rarely ever think of my X. I think of him for lack of anything better to do, and then I think my longing for love is a longing for him since he was my last love. I'm confused, I know that, but who wouldn't be after having their heart put through a garbage disposal. It's not like I have a hard time finding a date, I'm an extremely attractive woman, but my standards are set very high this time because I don't want to end up with another jerk. I don't feel that spark with very many people, but I'm tired of being alone now. I have dated, but never meet anyone worthy of a second date.

 

I'm making a huge effort to meet people - joined the gym, go out with friends, took up hobbies, went to work for a large firm, and still there are no propects. Do not tell me to lower my standards either. I have every right to seek out what I think is best for me, trouble is I may be single for another two years. In the meantime, I'll keep thinking about that X idiot of mine, playing no contact games, waiting to see if he cares. Yeah right, he doesn't give a damn about me, not a damn. Think it's time I face that? Rejection sucks. That man scarred me for life.

[SwEeT P]

i know how u feel star...............my ex left me 1 month ago no warning signs or n e thing....he hasnt even called or nuthin..........i feel the same way u do if i could find some1 else then at least it would take my mind off my ex bf.......(the A$$)

[dreamguy]

Lonestar,

 

I'm listening to the new version of Frank Sinatra's "All the way" remixed with Celine Dion's voice. Here's a paragraph from the song: "When somebody loves you it's no good unless they love you all the way. Happy to be near you when you need someone to cheer you. Taller than the tallest tree is, that's how it's got to feel. Deeper than the deep blue sea is, that's how deep it goes if it's real ! Through the good or lean years and for all those in between years... come what may. Who knows where the road will lead us, only a fool would say but if you let me love you it's for sure I'm gonna love you... all the way !"

Notice how it ends by "if you let me love you it's for sure I'm gonna love you." It's all about letting it happen. You cannot make it happen but you can let it happen by not holding back and clinging to past memories !! I hope you can see the difference.

 

So when you say: "If I could just find someone else, I'd probably rarely ever think of my X. I think of him for lack of anything better to do, and then I think my longing for love is a longing for him since he was my last love" then you say you are confused... I would say you're not confused at all ! You know perfectly well what you want and how to get there, you're just reluctant to LET IT happen. You're scared because you know you don't feel that spark with very many people (as you said) and, most of all, you have never met anyone worthy of a second date in your past. All of these reasons come together as one and they make you want to hold on to your last ex more than anything in the world.

You're holding on too tight. Let go a little, then let go a bit more ever day and before you know it you'll be on your way for a new fantastic experience in life.

 

I'm not going to tell you to lower your standards (I'm a very selective person too) !! Just increase your willingness to LET IT happen so it matches up with your highly set standards. Don't try to predict that you'll be single for 2 years ! For all you know, you might meet Mr. Right in 1 hour ! The future is always unknown.

 

A person will only scar you as much as you allow them to. The more you hold on to their memory, the more you put them on a pedestal, the more you blame yourself for the relationship's failure... the greater and deeper the scar !

Stand up, dust yourself off and move on... I know it's going to take an incredibly huge effort but you know you have what it takes and even if you falter and hesitate at times keep going forth !

You said "I have every right to seek out what I think is best for me". Then what are you still waiting for ?

[miggsbucks]

i know where Lonestar is coming from when you're trying to find someone else to help take your mind off the ex. its really difficult, because i've had 3 dates since the ex and none of them come anywhere near her. and there is the problem, you compare every single date to your ex. also its difficult because we are so eager to find a way of taking our mind off our ex, and know that if we found someone better than them this would work.

 

but the problem is is that we maybe trying too hard, and maybe we have to use other tactics to get your ex off your mind rather than trying to find someone else. i've heard people say that you only really find something special when you arent looking for them. that is certainly what happened with my ex. i was not looking for her and then one day she appeared from nowhere, without warning. i guess thats what makes it special.

 

maybe we're all trying too hard...

[SMF]

I agree, its hard to go out on a mission. It really happens when you least expect it to happen.

 

Its hard to control//force, it kinda just happens.

 

If anything go out with other people to just get out for yourself. Try not to compare even though it is very very very hard.

 

I feel like right now- (we have been broken up for 1 month, haven't spoken in a week)... I feel like he is going to forget about me. And if he does miss me/realize I am afraid he will not act on it. But then I guess then that person isn't right for me.

 

If its love, that you are feeling- the person will come running back like a lunatic.

[MaiGrl]

Update!

The ex just called! Make that three times from early this morning to now before I finally answered. I remembered dreamguy saying something like this so I said: oh I saw you called and was going to call you back but i was so busy. hehe.

 

I didn't even ask him why he hasn't called, he came out and said he was thinking that if I really love him and want him to be apart of my life that I would call, so he was going to sit and wait for me to call him first. He said this morning he couldn't concentrate on anything for work because he kept thinking about me so he broke down and called.

 

Well I finally got to tell him everything I wanted to, about me admitting to him that I was wrong for what I did that weekend we went away. He said that wasn't bothering him. What hurt him was what I said to him. I said, oh no I don't even want to know what I said. I explained to him that it wasn't the real me talking that night. I was not sober and he knows that I never act or say those things.

I am very blunt when I get very drunk and can get mean with what I am saying so I am sure I told him exactly how I felt about him hurting me, and I bet I told him that he has no chance of being with me again and stuff like that.. Wow, I really learned from making this huge mistake. I guess I can't handle being that drunk. Especially drinking with the ex like that is a No No for me.

 

He came running back so hard it almost knocked the wind out of me. He kept telling me that he loves me and that he misses me. He asked if I missed him, I said I guess I have missed you a little, then brought something else up to change the subject. I really didn't know how much to answer that. You all know how crazy I have been going missing him but I don't want him to know that.

 

He is out of the state for work. When he gets back he wants to take me out for my fave restaurant, the Japanese steak-house downtown. I did NOT say yes I'll go, I just said oh , I haven't been there in a while. What should I do? Should I go out to dinner with him, but I have to set the time and day since my schedule is so full.?.. Or should I wait awhile before I agree to see him again?.

 

I kept trying to get off the phone like dreamguy said to do, but every time I did he would bring something else up that he wanted to talk to me about. I finally said, I really have to run and he said OK, I'll call you soon and please call me if you want to talk.

 

I guess that i am really in shock. First, that he called. Second, that he sounded like he was hurting as much as I was (even thought I didn't let him know that I was.) Third, that no contact really worked out so well. I am soo glad that I didn't break down and call or send a text. NC WORKS!!

 

I don't think I handled talking to him as well as some of you out there have, but I am happy that I let him know that I was going great and that I have been really busy with work, friends, my competitions, and everything else.

 

OMG he just called again. I didn't answer. I had to run and I'm busy remember!? It has not even been a hour

 

I would never had made it this far with NC with out the help of talking to you. You said exactly what I needed to hear that gave me the strength I needed.

I thank you!!

[MaiGrl]

I am starting to think negative already. I can't ever just relax and be happy

 

What if he called me because he was scared I was moving on without him and he just wants to make sure I am still there.

 

What if he is with that girl and wants to make sure I am there in case they don't work out. Well, I really don't know if he is seeing anyone for sure and if he is why would he say all those things to me?

 

I don't know.. I just don't want to go thru all of the pain again that I have been working on getting past.

Am I wrong for thinking this way?

[Hurt]

Maigirl, take your time!!! take care of yourself this time!

[freedom 43]

dreamguy:

Is ther any way that I can send you a private message? I have a copy of an e-mail that I sent and I really don't want to have it on the board.

freedom 43

[dreamguy]

freedom 43 of course. You can send it.

[Billy]

I just want to say that Dreamguy handled this perfectly I think. I was in a very similar situation where the girl who dumped me called me 2 weeks later. Dreamguy is right, it is an incredible feeling. It is almost as great a feeling as actually being in love. It is a situation where you have lost your dignity, only to regain it all again. It's Euphoric.

 

In my case, I waited a couple of days to call her back. I intended to play it cool as Dreamguy did, expecting her to pick up. Unfortunately, the machine came on and I left a simple, neutral message. When she never called me again I went into a terrible depression for at least a week. It was horrible. I even had some sort of an anxiety attack. At any rate, it was horrible.

 

My point is if I had only called and not left a message, I could've retained the dignity I had once lost. She would have seen that I had cared enough to call but also that I was strong enough not to leave a message.

 

Dignity is a great thing. If you get it back, don't surrender it again to the same broad that robbed you of it.

[Stringfellow]

Well I am the one who got dumped, she said it was my insecurities, she said that I always needed my ego stroked, but listen to what happened and tell me if the insecurities were warranted.

 

I had been dating a gal for 7 months, when we first started dating she told me that her first marriage ended becasue she was having an affair. Her marriage ended and the affair lasted another year. She was dumped by the man she was having an affair with wh she still works with even today and within 1 months time after being dumped she was married to a completely new man. That marriage lasted 5 yrs. she said all he did was yell at her so that marriage ended as well.

 

We had been dating for 5 months and all was going extremely well when I asked her to marry me, she said yes and then 2 days later she came back to say no, her reason she gave was that she said yes becasue she wanted me to feel good while she was out of town on business. She played with my emotions so badly and I started to feel insecure.

 

The relationship continued and I was feeling insecure with it, we were seeing each other pretty close to daily, and about a month after that she said to me the she loved me but she now only wanted to see me on the weekends, I tried for a compromise of one day during the week but was turned down and she said that she wanted the cake and wanted to eat it to. Now I really was feeling insecure.

 

Her Brother in law is a drug addict and alcoholic, I suggested to the family intervention after he crashed his truck through the garage door and trashed the house. I suggested that in month 5. Month 7 and he does pretty much the same thing after getting drunk and stoned and this time he ends up in jail. She was feeling sorry for him and I asked why she and the family did not listen to me 2 months ago, that maybe now he would not be sitting in jail and he would be getting the help he was needing. I then asked what else she was not listening to me on. I know that this was not the best idea but I was only trying to help

 

2 days later she broke it off with me, she said I had tried to come between her and her family, that I was too insecure and she was tired of stroking my ego.

 

I need to add this, after my X tells me she is through my friend gets involved, he says that she needs to feel the pain that she is causing me, he threatens to write a letter to her children letting them know that their Mom cheated on their Dad, ( I guess they still dont know and they are 14 and 12). I talk to my friend and told him not to and I get the letter from him and tell him to NEVER get involved again.

 

What he did was wrong and I told her I was sorry and ensured that he will never get involved again. So with this all said I wonder if i will ever get a second chance. If poeple can cheat and get second chances why cant I if I stop something from happening that could have hurt her.

 

Does anyone think she will ever call me again? Or did my friends actions of trying to protect me or stick up for me ruin it?

 

 

 

 

Please tell me, should I just let this go, I cant seem to stop thinking of the what if's that I should or could have done and this is driving me insane, PLEASE HELP

[wolvie666]

So I got a voice mail on my cell phone from her today. Saying she would really like to get together with me sometime this week and to call her back as soon as I could. Well, I didn't even get a chance to call her back before my apartment phone started to ring (I don't have caller id) so I answered and it was her. She started with the usual small talk, how was my weekend, what have I been up to, etc. Then she told me that she broke up with the guy she left me for because she realized that he was an a**h*** and that she never wanted a guy like that before and didn't know why she was interested in him in the first place. She started saying how she missed me and everything we had. I told her we couldn't get together tonight, but maybe thursday (playing it cool, I have a whole different life now) she said that would be great. She then started talking about all the ignorant stuff that the guy said and did and so I related the story about him that was told to me by one of my friends. Basically he dated this girl a year ago and was filling her head with "I love yous" and "we're gonna have a future together" same stuff he was doing to my ex only to cheat on her after a month of being together. Well the ex seemed thrilled by this and admitted that she expected to be talking to him later today and telling him off or whatever. So I said, "Listen, don't involve me in this crap. We can get together and talk or whatever but I'm not rushing into anything." She also asked if the girl I talked to about the new guy thought that my ex would come back to me, and I told her that she said it was highly likely. So what is she doing? What is her deal? How should I handle this? I love the girl most definetly but I also resent her because she would not listen to reason when she ran off with this guy and now she may want me back after all the crap she's done. She also commented that this guy told her after she dumped him that if she went back to me he would kill me (oh I'm so scared), and then she said, "I just wanted you to know he said that, but don't worry he'll get over it." How should I play this whole new crazy situation? She hasn't said she wants to come back but she certainly said enough to suggest that she wants to or is thinking seriously about it...

[dreamguy]

Billy,

My point is if I had only called and not left a message, I could've retained the dignity I had once lost. She would have seen that I had cared enough to call but also that I was strong enough not to leave a message.

Dignity is a great thing. If you get it back, don't surrender it again to the same broad that robbed you of it.

Don't sweat yourself over an "if only" assumption. I don't know when this happened to you, I mean if it's a recent story or an old memory now, but I can tell you that when you called back (and left a message) it didn't make you surrender your dignity. Remember she was the one who called first. You didn't beg, you only returned her call.

You see the simple fact that you called her back was enough to show her you still cared. Whether you left a simple and neutral message or not makes no real difference in her eyes. It didn't make you look weaker.

 

I want to grab this opportunity to thank all the people who apparently find some strength and wisdom in my advice. I, myself, am still on a quest to find answers to all the questions I have. There's one thing I have learned; it's that when it comes to relationships one cannot blindly apply a set of rules and expect a pre-determined result. No one knows your case and your ex as much as you do. This is why you should know when to bend the rules and when to enforce them to the extreme.

Good luck.

[dreamguy]

wolvie666,

 

I'm in the exact same situation with my ex except for the guy she is seeing right now wanting to kill me

Eversince I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore she started confessing things like "I'm afraid I made a mistake by leaving you" and "You're everything I want in a man" and "I was very happy with you" and "I'm scared that you'll be with someone else if I decide to get back with you in the future".

The wisest thing to do at this point is to let her initiate all the calls, let her suggest a meeting or call to confirm Thursday's get together. When you see her, do your best to look smashing. Let her see how well you've been doing since she left you. Don't talk about the past or the relationship unless she brings it up first. And even if she does, be very brief and cool in your answers. No admitting how you've been dreaming about this day when you will be with her again... no talking about how miserable you've been without her... etc...

The point is, when you let her initiate contact, when she is the one to talk about the past then she won't feel pressured. It is obvious she broke up with you because she was confused about what she wanted in life. She still is ! Don't be fooled.

The fact that she called you and asked to see you doesn't mean you can go jumping back in as if nothing ever happened. She has to learn to respect you and understand that what she did was NOT acceptable. Otherwise she will do it again. Take it slowly (even if she gets all mushy around you) and let her earn your trust.

Someone on this forum said something I liked so much. They said "Trust is not something that can be given, it has to be earned !" which means it's not something you can actively control and hand out, you have to passively react to the other person as they work for it.

[Mr messed up]

Hi buddy ,I have followed your story for a while now bud and in my mind as it has gone tits up for her as I think we and you all knew it would she does want you back but now you have been here and learnt a life time of advice remember mate make her earn you back or it will end in tears !!!!!!!

[freedom 43]

dreamguy:

I can't get private messaging to work and it won't give me your e-mail address. Can you try private messaging me and then maybe I can reply privately to your PM. I'm not real sure how all of this works!

freedom 43

[dreamguy]

Freedom 43,

I can't send you a message.

Go to My Profile -> Edit Options

Look for Enable Private Messaging under Messaging & Notification and make sure it's set to "Yes"