No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[smile95]

From my own experience, I know that once you lose the trust EVERY LITTLE THING is now a doubt and it ruins everything. Do you mind me asking how old you are? How old is she? It sounds like you love each other. When did you talk last? One tactic my ex(or whatever he is) uses on me is to ignore me to make me feel like I screwed up when he did. If she is ignoring you, she has no reason to. Did she respond to your text? DO you look at your phone 24/7 like I do?? Do not contact her and if she calls you then maybe talk it out? Or ask if youall can go out together and you would feel more comfortable with her being around him? If he does not know of you, then why??? Most girls brag about their boyfriend to everyone!!

[Hurt]

Ok I am 45 and she is 35, she has a 2 and 3 year olds from her ex husband whom she married on the rebound from this guy who broke off after 7 years, this is the ex I speak of. I met her in June 2003, we became friends, she was going thru a divorce and was also seeing the ex boyfriend, she was crying all the time, she told me the ex bf would not really treat her as a lover and thsat he wanted to just be friends, she was still in love with him, we kept seeing each other for coffee. In Sept she told me she was in love with me, I asked about the ex and she told me it was over. I told her I did not want to give 100% to her as I did not want to be hurt! In Oct 2003, I went to her and told her I was a bit scared and she told me tell me you love me and jump into this relationship, "I promise I will not hurt you! That was on a wed, on Sun, I asked her what she was doing and she told me she had made plans to go out with a friend, a girl, somthing was not right, I kept asking for the truth and then she told me that she had made plans to see the ex, she had lied! I left her house angry and hurt. She saw him anyway. We broke up for about a week. Got back and the story goes on, constatn emailing at all hrs, turning off her email if I walked in the room, not answering her cell or home phone when I was there etc.....I read her email one day and there was her ex about 20 emails back and forth where she is telling him she loves him, I never told her I saw thisIU asked her then idf he knew about me she said I never came up! 3 months ago I asked if she was still in contact with him she said every few months, this july she got mad at me and sent me a break up email, I was done!!!! A few days later she came over crying telling me she loved me and no one else, asked if I loved her and I said yes that we would work it out, 3 days later I ask her to dinner and she says she is busy I ask why and she says I am going to see the ex????? I broke up with her, I was devastated! She called to say she had cancelled and that she only wanted me and it was ab innocen mistake, at thisa point I said it was over, that was a month ago. I sent her a text message two days ago telling her I was really hurt, have not heard from her! Can I go back? NO I would always wonder, about an email, about a phone ring, about where she is, it hurts because I love her and I got to loce her girls, but here it is!

[Lonestar]

Newsflash! I actually met someone at the gym that I LIKE. I told you all I was real picky, but I think he's very attractive and he asked me for my number tonight to take me out this weekend. We've been staring at each other for about a week now, so I finally broke the ice today with a joke when he was lifting right in front of me. Then he let loose a hundred questions, and told me he saw me out Saturday night but wasn't sure if some guy standing next to me was my boyfriend, so he didn't come and say hi. I said perfectly loud and clear "I don't have a boyfriend." I've already lined up a babysitter, and I'll see him tomorrow night at the gym. OMG OMG, there's a spark with another guy. LOL Not sure how long it will last, but I'll stay positive and have some fun.

[smile95]

Ok....well a few thing I picked up on and who knows if it is right or not. My #1 concern with her would be that she kept that from you and lied. People lie to hide things. SOmething is not right. You will always doubt her. I know it is hard, but remember all the times you were so upset with her. If she truly loves you like she said before she would have responded to you with the text right? Is it possible she knows that she messed up and does not want to admit it to you? You did nothing wrong. She seems a little confused? Continue the no contact. My guess is she will contact you one day soon. What do you want? Do youreally have strong feelings for her? Or do you just want to be wanted? Everyone tells you in the beginning I will never hurt you. Mine did too. At the time they say it, they do not intend to. I think you were a great friend to her when she needed it and she prob does love you. But you do not want to be suspicous all the time right? It is hard to trust again. Just try and move on. I am. Ilove him so much, but ya know what, I need to realize that maybe HE does not deserve ME! And SHE does not deserve YOU! It is nice to know that guys have feelings too....I wonder if mine ever thinks of me?

[smile95]

I am so happy for you! Motivates me to join a gym. Have a great time!!! It makes me believe that there is hope for me too!!!

[Lonestar]

There's hope for everyone, but it doesn't feel that way at times. I sat home for a long time thinking Mr. Wonderful was going to knock on my front door. Yeah, right. I finally realized that I need to put myself out there. I really don't like going to the bars, so I limit that to a couple times per month. I force myself to go, and I go to the same big club, because I make more friends with the regulars every time I do. The gym is a perfect way to meet people, especially for girls. There seem to be more guys than girls at my gym.

 

Basically for the past two months, I've socialized as much as possible. I bitch and moan about my X here, but it's inevitable that I'll meet someone soon. Is it this guy I met tonight, who knows? Probably not, but it's a step in knowing that there are other men I'm attracted to out there and not just my ex-husband. Sleeping with him again was probably not such a great idea, but it served its purpose and now I've stopped it. The emotions are just tough to let go of.

[smile95]

My family keeps talling me Mr. Right is not going to find you sittingon your couch all wkend! I hate bars too and need to stop sulking and move on. My ex is not worth it anymore! No use in sitting here crying. I would love that feeling again of going on a date! Let us know how it goes.

[Hurt]

no i do not want her, i do love her, but it would hurt more to return, and you are right, the trust is gone and she didnt respond to my text god this hurts

[smile95]

I know how much it hurts, I have been in the same place. I actually had to go to therapy to help me. One minute I hate him and the next I love him. I cannot help but think of good memories. But in the long run, it is best for me to close this chapter and move on. I know in my head it is right to let go. You need to too. Maybe she will return once she sorts her thoughts out? And if not, it was not meant to be. Everyone tells me by the time he calls me, I will not even want to answer. I hope so!!! Please hang in there! It is hard to give advice when I am hurt myself, but please do not let this ruin every part of your day. I always think "he cannot even pick up the phone to talk to me and ignored me and I am giving him all of my thoughts?" WHy? GO with what happens. You never know what will happen. TIme heals all

[Hurt]

Yes, you need to move on, people that break up and still care will call within days to come back, when a month goes by it tells me that the other person has moved on, maybe not completly, but they have made a plan for themselves, this is nnot about NC, this is the part where you need to realize that its over at least for know, and yes they may come back someday and you will be healthy and stronger and maybe not een understand why you hurt so much....That is what I tell myself, I went thru a divorce 15 years ago and I thought I would die, I thought the love of my life was gone and I would never love again, now I look back and there is nothing that hurts about her, she cheated on me so I died, but everything passes in time and so will your feelings for this man, if a man cannot call you and at leasr ask how you are, then that man has moved on and you must to! I emailed her the first time two weeks ago and I simply said I hope you are well, she never replied, as in my 2nd email. So Beth, move on get to know yourself and why you picked this man, stay single for a bit so you can heal and not destry a great relationship down the road, the mistake I hear is if I met another this pain would go away, wrong it hides in the mind and returns in many different ways. I , You need to heal, let go of the anger and hurt, understand who we are before we jump into another safty net. If he comes back, then as you told me, can you go back, will it happen again? The pain is not worth the risk. There is a right man out there, but you will have to be healthy in mind and soul to see him or you will either miss him or hurt him.

[smile95]

YOu are right. My self esteem is shot and I need to love myself first. I can be alone. Sometimes I think he will never call, but in the past when he did this, sometimes it was 1 week and he called, sometimes 1 month, so he is not predictable. For my sake, I hope that it is a while so I can heal. Ilove him so much and always will but have to accept that I deserve to be loved in the right way. I really hope I can look back and not feel so hurt like now. I guess time helps. Thank you! GOod Night

[lost_in_chgo]

move on get to know yourself and why you picked this man

 

Let's not buy into what sounds like a suggestion that you did something wrong by picking the wrong guy.

 

So things didn't work out. That doesn't mean someone has to have made a mistake. Or that someone is evil.

It just means it didn't work out. Sure there are alot of reasons, some true, some not.

 

You never know if he is the wrong one until the end.

With that kind of philosophy no one would ever forgive or reconcile with anyone.

[crazydawg]

500+ replies and not one good outcome of getting back with an ex, this show as an example that it rarely happens...

[Hurt]

no contact gives no closure! I made contact and now it is over, the hurt stays but I move on...

[smile95]

so you did end up calling.....you think YOU have no closure???? One day we are laughng and loving and the next he will ntospeak to me for 2 weeks!!! That is no closure. If you did contact and it is over, at least you know and are not left in limbo, right? At least now you know she was not who you thought and you can move on to find a woman to cherish you. Good luck

[maui2k4]

I can agree that once a relationship is over there is very very little chance of it working out again. I learned this now for the 4th time with my ex that ended it once again last week. This time she met someone about 2 weeks ago and decided there was a chemistry that was missing for us. Bottom line, is when the trust is broken and a relationship falters, there is little hope for it to work out. Over the last week I have made the mistake of contacting her in one way or the other every day (IM, email, phone). It is pointless. She still talks to me, but it does me absolutely no good. The only way to move on and remove the pain is to remove her from my life. In my situation I would be an idiot to ever get back with someone that has hurt me repeatedly. The one time in the last 2 years she tried very hard was when I was seeing someone else and she successfully broke us up. She claims I broke her up with somene 2 times, but I doubt that. Anyhow, in the end - contacting your ex only prolongs your pain because it is likely they are not in the same boat you are. They had already removed themselves from the relationship long ago and were ready to end it. I am going to try today to take my own advice and stop contact. If I can get past he first few days, I think it will start to become easier to get through the next...

[dreamguy]

crazydawg,

500+ replies and not one good outcome

Did it ever occur to you that most people who get back with their ex are often too busy or thrilled that they don't care to join this forum and let the others know ?

I don't think it rarely happens. Statistics are not accurate anyway.

[maui2k4]

Now that I think about it when I did get back with my ex I did not visit this board any longer. I guess when it is fresh in my mind it is easiest to think there is no chance to help move on. If I sit around and wonder if it will work out, I will go nuts. She is not sitting around waiting for me and I cannot allow myself to do that either. I have been upset over the last week, but the longer I try to contact her or convince her that she made the wrong decision, the longer it will take me to heal. I do miss her a lot, but I have to move on. Every day is a struggle, but I think for me once I get past the initial no contact, it will get easier day by day... At least I hope that is the case... The sad part is I think if I did have the chance I would take her back which logically I know is a huge mistake... One more reason to move on... Much easier said than done regarding the no contact - at least initially for me it is. Last time no contact really did not set in for a while and until I started seeing someone else. This time I have to start it at the beginning and not look back. That is the one thing I can do differently.

[Hurt]

I needed to know where this relationship was, it still hurts, but I feel I tried, I can now go to work and not check my email every 2 mins...its almost like the two strikes law and you are out, I have to move on and I cant if there is no closure, I mean what if the other person is on this page doing the same thing, ?

[Hurt]

The worst part of this whole thing is that there are no words to tell the other person about the hurt, waking at 4 am with your heart pounding, spinning at nite trying to sleep, next time if I can help it, I will take my time, this is not worth the instant gratification of falling in love, I am going to stay single for a while as I was before I met her. I have also learned what I was told a long time ago, listen to your mate in the first six mos, that is where the truth is told.

[Hurt]

It seems women have an easier time when it comes to meeting men, and men have a harder time how true is this? When my ex and I broke up the past, she had a date in the first week....she met people at the gym, it seems everywhere and was asked out

[Stringfellow]

Hello, it has been a week since she broke up with me and when we broke up i asked her to send me my stuff back to me, I had sone fishing gear there, some grooming items like clippers and things, a fan and other misc items. I gave her my address a week ago, one would think she would want it gone so she would not be reminded of me.

 

Someone said that she might be doing this so I will make contact with her, but I am not going to do that, that fact that she ripped my heart out when I proposed and she accepted then 2 days said no and her reason was "I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business".

 

Then while she had it out she crushed it by telling me that "I love you but I just want to see you on the weekends" this after we had been seeing each other on a daily basis.

 

Is it time to move on, is it time to say keep the stuff for it can be replaced, what you did to my heart that cant be replaced????

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by maui2k4

contacting your ex only prolongs your pain because it is likely they are not in the same boat you are. They had already removed themselves from the relationship long ago and were ready to end it.

 

So true.. our ex's decision to dump us did not just come out of the blue. They had made the decision probably long before they told us, or at least it festered in their minds over and over before they had to come out and tell us it was over.

 

This is another good reason for no contact. It gets us back on the same time zone as them. While we nurse our broken hearts in the no contact period, they will no doubt reflect on their decision. Everything gets back onto an even keel with no contact. We dumpees can get used to the idea (extremely hard though it is) that their decision is one we'll have to accept.

 

But the no contact really does have to carry on, and on, and on. Its the only way that you can keep that little flame of hope flicker, without bringing closure. Closure is often needed by some in order to move on properly. Why not just let go, and let it be, without bringing this closure. Because knowing that all hopes are completely dead may be much harder to deal with than having that little scrap of hope.

[Stringfellow]

I have had women ask me out and one that is very intrested even though i have told her that I am still hurting from the past. I will be her friend and take it slow, since my heart is gone I am not sure I can love again. I wish I would have never gotten involved, (she had an affair on her first husband, they got divorced, the affair continues another year, it ends and within one months time after the affair ends, she marries a completely different man, they stay married 5 years, it ends, then within 2 months time her and I start dating)

 

She has never dealt with her first divorce, her affair, her second divorce. And the way she treated me by sending me mixed signals, I think I deserve better!

[Lonestar]

Closure is often needed by some in order to move on properly. Why not just let go, and let it be, without bringing this closure. Because knowing that all hopes are completely dead may be much harder to deal with than having that little scrap of hope.

 

I don't know... depends on the situation, I suppose. If you had a clean mature break with someone, but still loved them as a friend, then a glimmer of hope that the relationship might blossom again in the future is a sweet idea to keep on the back burner, but if it was a tumultuous, rollercoaster-like relationship where that person did some awful painful things, then it would be better to know that all hopes are dead. And that is still a very hard thing to do. My X was a rotten piece of you know what, and I still carry that slim hope around that someday a little lightbulb will appear in a balloon above his head. That suddenly he'll think, "what the hell did I do?" It's not happening, and I know that hope is ridiculous, but the heart plays funny tricks when one has been rejected so harshly. I can handle getting rejected. Getting rejected while you're carrying your husband's baby THAT HE WANTED is a wicked blow.