No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Stringfellow]

Do you tink after the way my X treated me that I should move on, read my posts and then tell me what your thoughts are, I ask becasue you are female and I would like a idea from a female!

[miggsbucks]

I'm pretty much taking each day as it comes. Yahoo gave me my id back, after 2 weeks (!), but it still sort of looks like I'm gone, as the profile still says "User not recognised". She hasn't been in touch now since July 18th. So I'm just going to (hopefully) leave it all now.

 

I was really glad to hear about your date at the gymn. I'm afraid that I rely heavily on internet dating for my dates, and reading what you wrote about going the gymn and meeting people there makes me think I should get out more. (Not that I'm some saddo who never goes out, but at 34 the bar scene isn't really my way of meeting people now). I've a pal at work who's keen on joining up at a gymn with me, but I keep on procrastinating.

 

The reason I go on and on about not bringing closure etc, is because I try to think about life as one whole. I know you say there are different situations requiring different measures, but it seems to me that most people who are on this board are looking for answers, way too eagerly and hastily. They forget that their ex's WILL be thinking about them, and can't seem to just let them get on with their life, and let them be alone with their thoughts. These thoughts may flourish in the ex's mind and become more intense with no contact. I firmly believe that they only can with no interference.

 

This week has been a tough one, as we have had no contact AT ALL for four weeks almost now - the longest time so far. This has made me feel like I should get in touch with her, as so far she has initiated all contact in the past 2 months. She has never known the pain I have suffered, I have never told her. I think I will give myself 1 more month, before I may decide that I need closure, and reveal to her the full pain that I felt, when that pain has eased up.

 

I have been getting back into dating, and the last date that I had was so lovely. It was nice to have female company on a glorious summers day, rather than hanging out with friends boozing. I'm taking it all slowly and just letting what life will deal to me what it will at my own pace. I do need to realise that what NIKKICAM (where has she gone? how are you doing Nikki??), said in that its great to get off the rollercoaster ride of emotion that your ex put you through.

[Lonestar]

First off, five months is too short of a period to ask someone to marry you. I don't care how much you think you're in love or know that person, you don't know enough to get married. The beginning of a relationship is more lust than love. When the lust finally wears off, then you'll find out what's beneath the surface. If you marry before that, you're in big trouble. Trust me. I did this with my ex-husband and it was an insane mistake.

 

A man who is insecure (regardless of his reasons) is not attractive to a woman at all. She will put up with it for a bit, and even try to let him know he is loved, but if the insecurity continues, her attraction to him will dissipate. Woman love and stay with strong, confident men.

 

What your friend tried to do was WAY out of line. I'm assuming it got back to her somehow, because you're worried he ruined your chances. You should have stopped him. You don't bring a woman's children into ANY relationship battle and use them as a weapon. This is essentially what your friend tried to do. Whether you knew about it or not, she will always think you did, and I highly doubt she will come back to you after that. How could she ever trust that you or your friend won't try to hurt her children when she does something you don't like in the future?

 

I would move on if I were you. Become secure with yourself and your life, so that no woman ever makes you feel insecure again.

[Strinfellow]

So it was OK for her to have handled the proposal in the way she did? I talked to a Psychologist and he said I had every right to feel insecure and most men would have in this case becasue they would not know where they stood.

 

He also said that her past is an indication of how she has handles relationships and he said that unless she gets help she will never have a LTR.

 

As far as the friend getting involved, when I found out what his intentions were I called her to tell her so if I could not stop him at least she could intercept the letter. I did in fact get the letter from him and yes I feel like crap that this ever happened. I only wish she could know that I stopped him becasue it was not right and that I loved her enough to loose his friendship in the process.

 

I do love her but I will set her free, for that is true love.

[Lonestar]

Sorry the Yahoo ID didn't completely resolve itself, but it's probably for the better, really. You don't need to keep checking that thing hoping she'll IM you. It's a waste of your time, because she knows how to find you if she wants to.

 

I've done Internet dating myself, but went on several dates and found that most people did NOT look like their pictures. I need to see how someone looks in 3D too before I can tell if they're attractive. A guy who is not real good looking in a pciture could carry himself in a way I like, or smile, or laugh, or just have the confidence that makes my heart flutter. I took my profile down and decided to get out of the house, and yes miggs, you can still go to a bar. I'm 37 and I go, but that's a personal choice. Many people in their thirties don't feel comfortable in bars. I don't always like it either, but like I said, I force myself to go and meet people.

 

I'm sorry you've reached that point of the longest period of no contact. I know how much it sucks. Hell, it's still bugging me that my X hasn't called me for sex. If I call him he'll say yes to sex right away, but he won't call me. My friend says that he won't call me because he doesn't want to be responsible for any of this. Kinda like if I get hurt, he can say it was all my idea and he initiated nothing. I can see the point, but it still makes me feel rejected again. Anyway, don't contact her, miggs. You can get through this , and you'll only feel horrible if she rejects you once again.

 

I'm not so sure you should ever tell her how hurt you are. Do you remember I wanted to write that letter to my X? I still haven't done it (there's no rush), and now I'm beginning to wonder what's the reasoning? He doesn't care about me and no amount of strong well-written words of mine are going to get him to see what he did. Why put all that effort into the perfect letter, that he'll skim over and say "whatever." No light bulb is going to go off in his head now or after reading it, and if either one of our Xs truly cared how much they hurt us, they would contact us and let us know. They've moved on, miggs, and so must we.

 

Glad your dating again, and yeah, where is nikki?

[miggsbucks]

its wierd that i actually can feel myself being more and more released now from everything. i hate to admit it (well i guess i dont really) but i think that this longest period of no contact is actually doing me much more good than bad. its like this cloud is suddenly lifting itself from me.

 

i liked the advice you gave to stringfellow, about the insecure guy, it reflects the same thing i said last night in the other thread that string asked for my advice in:-

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44210/

 

i said that i probably came over to my ex as a little insecure, even though i've actually worked on this now, and have realised that i actually aint insecure. contacting her may re-inforce this erroneous belief that she has that i am insecure.

[fishman3226]

AN interesting day....

 

Well guys here is some more proof that sometimes you can be vindicated.

 

Day started out with me being mischevious. I was gaoofing off with a female friend who knows the whole saga with my ex. Her comment was to me "tell her about your team leader role - make sur eshe knows you are bettering yourself - that will REALLY piss her off."

 

At first I thought nah bugger it - why? I know I am better than her and why rub it in. In the end I sent an sms saying about how I am working as a manager now earning double. The response came straight away about well done...blah blah blah. I thought 'OK, I will go for the throat.' I sent to her "Yeah, I really feel like alot of things in my life have sorted themselves out - I really feel like I have good things happening in my life."

 

Her response? "You are quite a noble individual. I know you will do the right thing in your life, you always do."

 

I oculd not top that. It was kind of like some sort of self pity. She did not have to respond - but she did and was complimentary. I often say to people I will never be rid of her completely as I represent alot of what she is searching for in life.

 

Anyways... later on I go back to my old hometown and into a local takeaway. Here behind the counter is an ex ex ex ex...etc that was my very first serious relationship. She ended it with me for valid reasons back then. I tried hard t get her back. Anyhow her sister comes up and says hello and I talk to the old gf from like ten years ago in a way of 'how are you? what you doing?' knd of way. Her sister comes up and says to my ex "Here he is your A****! You said to me many times you wished you stayed with him - what are you going to do now?"

 

I was stunned! I thought too late now (obviously) but makes you think though. Here was an ex that I treated much the same way thinking about me for ages. My ex (latest one) is buttering me up. I KNOW that she will think about me for many many years now. And if I was t wait she may come back.

 

But what am I going to do? Continue to grow myself. Why? Because as the older ex showed I am a good enough person to remember. I dont need anyone to hold my hand through life - I did what i did and did not have a reason to pity or whine as my deeds and the memories of the past are what they will return too. I could not give any more if I tried.

 

I suppose what I am trying to say is this. You cannot do a thing to make things speed up or make them come back - all you have to do is be a better you. The memory of who you are and what you are will either be a catalyst for coming back or their moving on. You CANNOT force it. But at the end of the day sif you are honourable and respect them they wil one day go "oops....."

[maui2k4]

During the middle of last week my now ex again (dated on and off for 2+ yrs) decided to end out relationship and I found out over the weekend she had met another guy the week before. She has had a pattern of this on again off again atitude towards dating me and I know this is not healthy for me or a situation I should look for. However, just 2 days ago I decided to start the no contact rule like I have heard from many people on here and friends. It sucks because I still wake up in the middle of the night tossing and turning... I still hope that when the phone rings it is her... I still wish I would hear from her in some way. Our last conversation did not end poorly, but I did not come across as strong which was something I know I cannot do. In the past, we have not (maybe the better statement is I have not) completely cut off communication when it ended. This is the first time I have made the decision to cease all contact and not get in touch with her. It is very hard though. Logically I know it is the right thing to do, but my heart does hurt with no contact. Makes me feel like she never cared... The reality of the situation is very clear and I wish my head always controlled how I feel. Unfortunately that is not the case and my heart still hurts. I am not sure when and if she will call again, but I know if I contact her I will not get anything out of the conversation that will help me move on. It will only pour salt on the wounds. It just sucks to have to turn your back when your heart says don't do it... I wish I could fast forward a couple of months in hopes these down in the dumps feelings will br gone for good...

[Hurt]

Yhe no contact is a funny one, I made contact twice via text and no reply, in a sense it does hury more when you recieve no reply, because your hopes that she will respond go up and you go furthur down, you get angry and more hurt, so I quess I will have to at this point after a month is stop and move on the best I can, she knows how i feel, there is nothing more i can do!

[SMF]

Its amazing when they ignore your call or email.... I guess they feel that bc they are the ones that broke up the relationship/ then they can decide if they want to talk to you or not. Its so ridiculous.

 

If a person did something wrong in the relationship or there was a bad argument and the dumper was very mad at the dumpee... then I can see the reason for ignoring the call.

 

BUT the dumper just broke a heart- so if that dumpee calls and needs some assistance or answers- why can't they be a stand up person and speak to them? Instead they hurt you more and more by avoiding and dodging calls. WHY IS THAT????

 

A lot of people say that you have to heal yourself you cannot look to the person that broke it off to heal that pain... In my situation we were moving along in a healthy relationship no fights/normal- and speaking about engagement/living together and then out of no where ended it cold turkey via phone.

 

So I felt that in the first 2 weeks of our break up it was important to speak....I emailed him and he wrote back but all he said was that he wasn't ready to reconsider and at this point it wasn't helpful to speak. ITs weird.

 

I haven't called in 2 weeks and we have been broken up for a month...

 

Try healing yourself--- take it day by day- the pain/hurt will lessen day by day. think of it as a wound.. .people aren't bleeding for millions of days. it heals.. heal your heart and in some time if you need to revisit this - you will be stronger.

[Hurt]

The funny part is that I dumped her because she would not stop seeing her ex, and I am the one hurting, I am the one sending a message! A friend told me that she was told that I was hurt and my GF answered, "he dumped me" believe me they know when we are hurting, you gain nothing by telling them, I think it it makes them feel right, as much as I want to send another message, I cant because I will not recieve what I need at this time

[maui2k4]

This morning when I got into the office I was in the dumps about not having contact with my ex for the last 2 days (I know - not very long). However, my initial temptaion to see if she is online on IM has passed and I resisted. If I had even looked and saw she was on, I would be tempted to contact her. For some reason the mornings are the hardest for me and it gets better as the day goes on. This time I am trying to take my own advice and stop the contact. I have done the IMs and emails about how I was hurt to her in the past when we broke up and that never helped me move on. At least this time I am keeping this in perspective and not trying to repeat my mistakes of the past. The only thing I can do is continue to tell myself that if I were to contact her, I would not get what my heart wants to hear out of it and I would end up hurting more and be back at square 1. It has not been easy to stop communication with her espcecially when I care. I know I should be angry with her, but right now I just miss the good times most likely. I think if I can get past today and this weekend, next week will be easier than this last one because it will at least have been several days since contact. I am convinced that no contact will work and I know the only way to speed up the process is not to ruin the progress... As the ones hurting, we have no other choice than to walk away and live our lives. Pining for them to come back comes across as weak and unattractive to them or anyone else. The hardest part is taking your own advice, but this time I am doing just that. My hope is that in a month or two when I give an update I will still be in the no contact mode and have successfully moved on... Seeing other people go through similar situations helps to make it easier to maintain the no contact rule... It is the only way...

[miggsbucks]

To everyone in the initial phases of no-contact:-

 

I have been through it all myself, and know EXACTLY how you are feeling. But please trust me on this one. I have stuck by no contact, and now that I am almost past 2 months since the break-up. It HAS made things much easier for me, and I can actually see light at the end of that tunnel now. IT DOES get easier, believe me it does. And you have to realise that it WILL get better, especially as you all feel distraught in these early stages.

 

Now I have reached the point where I hardly ever think "will she call", and I know that I am fast approaching that point where I will not even think whether she will call or not. You will all get to this point and wonder why you worried and got cut up by it all.

 

I know that it will be a great feeling when I do reach that point of not thinking about whether she will call or not - as I will have reached that point without contacting her. This may make her wonder even more. And if and when she does call in the future - I will be over the pain. And thats so much better than engaging in dialogue with her when that pain is still there. It has also given me the belief that if and when she does get in touch, I will be able to handle it in the confident manner in which she was accustomed to when we first met.

 

Things can only get better. Realise that contact is BAD while you are suffering, believe that contact is only advisable when you are over the pain.

[SMF]

VERY TRUE

 

You are very right about being in the initial stages of no contact..... I have been in no contact for 10 days today (we broke up 1 month ago and stop/start contact occurred w/in the first 2 weeks).

 

YOU ARE VERY RIGHT. As dumpees we cannot lose... Time is on OUR SIDE. Guilt and potential regret could be on the DUMPERS side...

 

We are going to be able to heal and then in time- we can clearly see whether we want to have a conversation with these people where we are not hurting as much as we are now- OR - they will have connected with us. In either case, time is on our sides...

 

The hardest part I feel is that since it is fresh- is it better to contact when it is FRESH or when the wound has healed? If your intent is to see what the ex is thinking/where there head is at/second chances/reconciliation/come to terms, etc...

 

Any thoughts?

[maui2k4]

I agree that the initial no contact period is difficult to say the least. Especially when I know my ex is seeing someone else. While my head knows no contact - my heart wants it. However, the one thing I know is that contact now will only hurt me more and set me back. If I contacted her today as I was tempted to, I would end up with a response like "thanks for calling" or "have a nice weekend" which would only feel like twisting a dull knife in my heart. As long as I keep this in perspective the hours will grow into days and the days into weeks... Time heals all wounds and this time - while not easy - I am taking the no contact approach in hopes it helps me move on - not in hopes it makes her miss me and wants to come back. It is just very hard to stop communication with someone you have knows for years...

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by SMF

The hardest part I feel is that since it is fresh- is it better to contact when it is FRESH or when the wound has healed? If your intent is to see what the ex is thinking/where there head is at/second chances/reconciliation/come to terms, etc...

 

Any thoughts?

 

NO! Just dont contact them AT ALL, EVER! Let it go, leave it be. Just accept that its over, its not just about no contact, its about letting go as well. No contact helps you in all of this. It also gives you the satisfaction that you have got your dignity back, and you haven't stooped to low depths. They will probably contact you if you stick with no-contact, but you have to put on an act and pretend everything is ok when they do. Don't fall into the trap of "honest is best" honest only is best when you're IN the relationship. Remember that your ex may have not been totally honest with you when they gave you the break-up speech. They may have spared your feelings by holding back on certain things.

[Lonestar]

BUT the dumper just broke a heart- so if that dumpee calls and needs some assistance or answers- why can't they be a stand up person and speak to them? Instead they hurt you more and more by avoiding and dodging calls. WHY IS THAT????

 

Because if they keep speaking to you and answering your calls, it gives you hope and then you keep calling. The dumper doesn't want that. They have emotionally left the relationship, and are most likely not coming back. Why prolong the attachment? The dumpee thinks they should be treated differently and with more respect. Of course they feel that way, they're hurting. I have been on both ends of this, both as dumper and dumpee. I hated when my ex X would keep calling me. I felt suffocated and I couldn't breathe with him constantly up my butt. I had to cut off contact, which in turn made him freak out more that I wasn't treating him right. Then when my last X dumped me, I kept calling him, but that only pushed him further away, and I'm sure he was as disgusted with me bugging him as I was with my other X.

 

It is a vicious circle. I wish I had understood this no contact thing when my X left me. I could have kept a whole lot of my dignity instead of fighting a losing battle for so long. I should have kept my mouth shut and my phone unplugged. Pleading with someone to love you is not very becoming and it makes you look foolish and desperate. If I've learned anything from this site, it's to never do that again. No matter how painful a future breakup is, I'll suffer my own private hell if need be.

[SMF]

Very true= I Guess when you are in the midst of something it is hard to see clearly.

 

I just thought he wouldn't have exited the relationship so quickly. If he had been thinking about it- he was lying to me and himself... Also, he made me think that he needed time- so I was uncertain as to how to handle the breakup in regards to no contact..

 

I guess the only truth is that if someone wants you- they know where to find you.

[maui2k4]

If there is one lesson I learned from the last time around when we previously broke up, is that I never backed away and still contacted her. In the end, all it did is keep me on the sidelines and wait for no good reason. It is very hard to not even do something as small as add her back to my IM buddy list to see if she is online. The temptation that will result is the reason I have not done so. At no time in the past 2 yrs when we have broken up did we have no contact. Maybe if I stick to it like I plan to, this will mark the end and I will be in a better position to move on. By the way, when she made a comment the last time we talked that I should "take time off from dating" do you think that is simply her not wanting me to be unavailable??? She had said that 3 times in the week since we broke up... The person she is with she has known for only 2 weeks... That does not make it any easier...

[Stringfellow]

She want you to take time off from dating but she dates, think about it for just a few minutes, do you think it is ok for her to date but not you. If you take time off do so becasue you want to not becasue she suggests it.

 

Shoot, maybe the next person you date is the one you are supposed to be with.

[Lonestar]

He contacted me about an hour ago. I was deep in work, and my cell phone rang. He kept our daughter home from daycare and will be dropping her off at my house later tonight. I then had to update him on my new work info - phone #, address, ect. He was just too nice, and I wanna throw up. I know, I know, we have to be pleasant for the kid. Great and all that, but when things get too nice, I get stupid ideas.

 

So I had to talk with him today and now have to see him around 6:00 tonight when he drops her off. I was not even thinking about him, damnit!! I hope that guy from the gym calls me later. I need a diversion.

 

It's been three weeks now no contact for anything other than our daughter.

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by maui2k4

the one thing I know is that contact now will only hurt me more and set me back

 

EX-actly (sorry for the terrible pun there!)

 

Originally posted by maui2k4

It is just very hard to stop communication with someone you have knows for years...

 

but IT WILL get easier as time goes by

[maui2k4]

Yes you are very right - there is no reason I should sit on the sidelines while she can date someone else. The thing I wonder is why she has said it - probably because she does not like the idea of me being with someone else. When I have dated someone else - one time she left who she was with to break me up to get me back. It was not until I became unavailable that I fell into the trap again. I will admit it is very difficult this afternoon to not send her some kind of note, but I am not going to. If I repeat my mistakes of the past, I have myself to blame and no one else. No contact sucks big time, but the only reason I am in this position is because she left me - I did nothing wrong. I have to keep reminding myself of that. There was nothing healthy about our relationship and I know I have to move on - I guess the loss of the friendship - or perceived friendship - is what probably hurts the most. Maybe she will contact me in a week or month or maybe never... Based on our past though, she will be back in one way or another - but this next itme I cannot fall for it. The best situation for me is I move on and she moves on and our paths do not cross again... Time will tell... Anytime she has jumped from a relationship to another in the past they have never lasted past the initial excitement of a new person phase... Come October, I hope to not be on this site saying "What should I do? My ex wants me back again and I am seeing someone else"... Only I can control that possibility...

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I hope that guy from the gym calls me later. I need a diversion.

He will, don't worry, and if he doesn't later he will soon after.

[maui2k4]

IN the past from what I remember when we stopped communication it was when we were mad at each other. While I should be angry as hell, the last time we spoke it was very cordial. Does anyone have any tips to make this easier to not contact her??? I almost IMed her, but I did not... This is driving me nuts...