No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Stringfellow]

Maybe if you think about the way in which you were treated, maybe if you think that you are better off with out them, maybe if you think of your dignity then you wont call.

 

I know i blew it with my X becasue when she treated me the way she did I become insecure, and I tried to give the family advise (becasue I have experienced the alcoholism first hand) and they took offense to me when what I said would happend did and I that it did not have to end in the way it did if they would have taken my advise 2 months ago.

[smile95]

After preeching about doing no contact, I broke it after 5 days. I woke up and cried all day. I do so well for a period of days and then crack. I emailed him that I loved him and was here for him if he ever needs me. (he is going thru a lot I think--he will not talk). Of course I got no response and that hurts more! I basically wanted to send one final email attempting to end it ok. I am in limbo and he never ended it? I want to move on with no hope and I needed to send it, but was hoping for a response. I feel worse now! I want this hurting to be over...the funny thing is...I somehow forgot all the crap he puts me thru and just want to hear his voice and hear that he loves me. THis sucks. Please please tell me there are men out there that will care about me and love me the way I deserve! THose I do not have to beg for! Why am I chasing? When I did nothing wrong.

[Hurt]

I did the same thing twice and twice there is no reponse, I am going to move on, if the person you are asking for does not respond, it will only hurt you more, I have been on the other side, I have been the one who really was over it and had moved on after a month, and no matter what that person did to get me back, I would not respond which is a selfish thing, but on the other hand you don't want to give the other person hope or room. There will be another person in your life thats for sure! I am still dying, but little by little and talking to close friends, I am getting to the reality of the relationship and what caused me to leave. For example, I have been hurting for weeks and I just found out that she went camping with friends etc... well she sounds like she is going on with her life. Talk to some of your good friends as much as possible, it helps me day to day. Nut to continue the contact is going to be more hurtfull as I found out, waiting for a text message etc.....it only brings me anger and hurt.

[maui2k4]

This afternoon I came close to breaking the no contact rule after just two days (only been a week since we broke it off)... However, a friend of mine got my head on straight on IM and I did not send her an Instant Message and I am very happy I did not. The first few days to me seem to be the hardest and I cannot allow myself to go back to square 1. Waiting for a response in hopes they will magically tell you they want you back and the love you will only hurt worse. I cannot predict the future, but I would bet that if I continue to back away and not contact her, after a period of time I will hear from her... Curiosity of if I am seeing someone will get the best of her. That or she will get tired of this guy and she will then want me as the back up which I am not goint to be 2nd fiddle to anyone. She had her chances and she used them all up. Right now I am working on building my self esteem up and realizing life goes on without her and will be better. As much as it hurts to not contact or hear from them, it is the only option to be able to move on. I am now starting to realize that since I did not obey that principle a year ago when I should have...

[smile95]

It really does just hurt more when I try and contact him. I know this, yet I want him to talk to me and explain! This is so hard and my thoughts are all about him. I felt like I was kicked all over again today. I tried to be nice in the email eventhough I should have bitched him out and I end up now looking like an ass becasue he thinks I still want him after all he has done to me. It is almost about control too. It he responds, I have control and he would never give that up. I just hope he is coping ok with all that is going on. I cannot bel I wrote that! I am so mad!!! I still think ina few weeks I will contact him again, unless for some reason I have no desire to. How are you doing today. I try to talk to friends, but they all hate him so this site is where I turn..thanks

[smile95]

You are a male version of me. I broke no contact after 5 days. I did so well and then cracked today and got no response from him. It hurts worse. I think no contact is supp to get you over them, however, my motives are to get him wondering and call me...what if that plan does not work???

[smile95]

question.....in my case, I want him to call, but I do not really want to go back to being miserable...does it make sense that I want him to want me, but I want to turn him down?? I am so messed up. I love him one minute and hate him the next! When we did no contact before, he called me and asked who I had been with and if I had kissed anyone, etc. I just want so much for him to call and say all the right things...I am living in a fantasy world...he has never said the right things

[maui2k4]

I cannot guarantee I will not crack and make contact with her, but I came to realize today that contact that is not what I want to hear is worse than no contact at all. We cannot make people love us no matter what we do - they have to come to us. In your case, it is completely understandable that you want him to want you. Rejection sucks and is a major hit on our self esteem. However, you have to get into the frame of mind that they do not deserve you. They are not sitting at home waiting for us to call them. We were left in the dust and contacting them only gives them the upper hand and lets them know they can come back to us at their leisure. As for his questions about whether or not you have seen anyone else, that is not his business. However, last fall I was grilled by my ex about who I was seeing and when she found out who and the details - she left the guy she was seeing and threw herself at me. In the end, she just does not want me with someone else and likes me to be a safety net. That is not my role in anyones life. Eventually you have to let your mind control your heart which is not a small task. Giving in to your emotions will not come across as attractive to him or anyone else. I looked at myself after I called and apologized for making her mad and thought - I am the one that should be mad - what the hell am I doing. You have to remember that you did nothing wrong and somehow have to get your mind onto something/someone else. Dating should not be this hard for either of us and I do not always take my own advice. Heck - I have only had no contact for 2 days on a break up that is just over a week old. It will take some time, but we will both survive... PM me if you want to chat on IM sometime...

[smile95]

read your first post and was wondering if she still calls you. Did the no contact help you get over her or win her back?

[Lonestar]

Heh, thanks for the vote of confidence there, miggs. Yeah, he'd be stupid not to call, but I've met about 5 losers in a row already, more than half had girlfriends and were still trying to pick me up. I'm assuming he's at the gym now because he wasn't there last night. Maybe he'll call after that.

 

So X showed up about 30 minutes ago. Why does he have to look so good? Why? Everytime I see him, I just want to be near him, ya know? And this sucks that I can't NOT see him because of the kid. Out of sight, out of mind would make my life so much easier.

 

I really want to know what he thinks about me, if anything.

 

ARGHHH! Why do I even care????? If by some chance he called tonight for sex, I think I'd cave...

 

:smack:

[Hurt]

You know I think no conact is about avoiding more hurt and not trying make him wonder, he knows you care now, you told him so, there is nothing more for you to say, if it is over, you have no control at all, if he wants to come back, then he does and maybe thats what it will take for you to not want him back. And if he was hurting you, which is better? One day being free from the hurt and going thru it again. There si some one out there, its a big world!! Afriend I just spoke with told me to maybe take a look at me for a while, that I will. I blew the no contact and yes it just takes you back to a month ago! If they want you in their lives, they will call, you have to believe that, also move ahead one day at a time with your life, call some freinds this week end, make plans to be busy, talk alot and get different ideas, someone once told me that sometimes you need to listen to your friends, they know you and saw the relationship as a whole. Like my friend asked me today, what is it you want? She treated you badly, what is it you are fighting for??? I trust him, he knows her, as all my freinds who met her found her cold and were not to crazy about her, they also saw the way she treated me! My friends in the past have also said great things about good women that were good for me. Stay busy, one door closes and one opens.

[MaiGrl]

Ok, I guess I took too long to edit that last message because it wouldn't let me submit it.

 

What I said was that.. My ex has been out of town all week for work. He has been telling me he really misses me and when he was almost home he said he wanted to see me but I said that I had plans.

 

Problem is that I don't have plans. I have been trying to call friends so I can find something to do, but they are either busy or working.

 

I know he is going to call and I don't want to ignore him. But I also don't want him to know that I am sitting at home with nothing to do.

 

The no contact just ended and we have been getting along great over the phone and I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I want him to know that even though I am now speaking to him, he can't have me when he wants, because I have a busy life outside of him. Why is it that the night I lie to him about being busy is the only night I can't find something to do!?!

 

What would you do?

[maui2k4]

How long did your no contact last? Why did you break up and did he go out with anyone else?

[MaiGrl]

Quick answers: Our no contact lasted 9 days. He cheated on me.

 

I know that's 9 days is not really that long but was the longest we ever went with NC.

 

We broke up because he cheated on me. But I feel like I should admit this... A while back in our relationship I had weak moment when me and my bf were having a tough time. I was interested in another guy. He knew that I was hanging out the guy a lot. It was over in a couple weeks and he did forgive me for it. I slept with the guy once (my bf still does not know that happened) but I ended it the next day and haven't talked to that guy since.

 

He did the same thing to me but I found out from a friend of hers that they slept together. I couldn't handle that and I broke it off with him. Unlike me, he was honest about what happened. He has since cut her out of his life (he says) and he has been trying so hard to get back together with me.

 

I guess the only reason I have forgiven him for this is because of me having the same weak moment. I know how it feels. I mean I was able to end it with the other guy when I realized how dumb I was being and how much I loved my bf and he is now going thru the same thing I went thru months back. I feel us making this mistake opened our eyes for us to see how much we really love eachother. He has said it did that for him because it was just a stupid mistake fling and he felt nothing with her, and I felt and still feel the same way about what I did.

 

I still haven't found anything to do tonight so i think I'm just going to get some sleep. I thought about going to a bar for a couple drinks but I feel weird going to a bar alone.

Ok, it is now 10 and he said he was going to call when he got home. That was at 4pm and he was only about 30 mins away from home. That kind of freaks me out.

Maybe he is just tired and passed out since he has been traveling all day, but I still wonder in the back of my head.

[smile95]

I hope doors start opening! THis feeling better go away. I just creid a little. I have done all I can I think and the thought of him reading my email and not calling, makes me sick. THe whole thing makes me sick. I give up. I'd rather be alone than miserable

[wolvie666]

So the ex called me again today and was saying how much she misses me, and how much she wants to see me, and how good it is to talk to me. She wants to get together on Sunday. She's sending me so many mixed signals I'm not exactly sure what to do. I know she is still seeing the loser guy she claimed to have broken up with, but she is lying to me and saying that she is not with him anymore. She never had a problem telling me all about him before... After talking to her mom about it she said that they seem to be fighting a lot and my ex commented today how happy talking to me makes her. So IF we get together Sunday (she broke plans on thursday) should I just try to make a big impression and remind her how good we had it? I know this guy she is seeing has zero personality and shares no interests with her, and since she's been calling me again part of me thinks she is reminded how much we have in common, etc. So I'm going to maybe take this opportunity to feel this whole situation out, if it's just friends she wants to be I'll just let it go and ask her not to call me anymore, but if she really wants to get this guy out of her life than I want to give her a second chance. I understand we were together since she was 15 years old and she got cold feet and felt like she was missing out on something after spending 7 years with the same person. But I think she has slowly realized after being away from me for months now just how well our personalities worked together. I know she's still with that guy and I absolutley refuse to be in the middle of anything, I'm not playing monkey in the middle with this loser and she either dumps him completely or I'm not interested. That being said, I do love her and want nothing more than to marry her.

 

What do you guys think? It's fairly obvious she is mixed up over what she wants, but when she called me today she sounded downright desperate to get together with me. Should I try and knock her socks off and remind her of the romantic and fun guy she traded in for an alcoholic violent loser with no future. I'm not getting my hopes up to high... she has almost come back before since we split... but there's just something about the tone of her voice when she talks to me. The excited, "Hey! How are you!" she gives me when I answer. And the fact that on tuesday she said everything to hint that she wants to come back to me and asked if my friends think that we will get back together. I know the night she said that she was with him but... What can I say I love the girl and think our love is worth fighting for, I can't stand the thought of her being with that idiot... If I don't succeed in impressing her and if it seems she does not want to come back then I am ready to move on, I've met a few girls since we've split and I know I can love again... Still she is the one who has my heart and I want nothing more than to get her back. She has done bad things and has lied to me, but I'm willing to forgive her if this is just some seven year itch type of thing. I won't be walked on though. If I think she's playing games I am going back to no contact and moving on.

[shellen]

I am happier than when I was still in contact w my ex....

happier in a relative sense...but I am not really Happy...

I know I was much happier when we were still together...

and that just makes me feel kinda miserable too...

[maui2k4]

I am not sure how it is for everyone else, but for me - waking up in the morning is the hardest part of my day for the no contact rule. I realize it has only been 3 days now, but the relationship ended only a week and a half ago. I am doing my best to not repeat mistakes with her in the past where when we broke up I still lingered around and contacted her. I know that hurts me more, but no contact does suck. I keep myself busy and do not mope around for the most part, but the mornings are by far the roughest part of the day. Maybe it is because I have dreamt of her... Either way, I certaintly hope that when I am able to continue this, in another month of no contact (this is the longest I have ever gone in 2 yrs that I can recall - broke up on a couple of other occasions) I hope that life is easier than today. I promised myself that I will not contact her - not to try and get her to call me, but to allow myself the opportunity to heal. However I will admit, part of me is hoping she still does call or contact me... Either way, I refuse to break the no contact after making it past this initial hump... If I do contact her she will still have me on the sidelines and I will not allow myself to be second fiddle (can you believe she told me 3x to not date anyone soon??? But she is ok to???) It is tough. Even knowing the negatives of the relationship I miss her a lot.

[lost_in_chgo]

So once you are past the point of trying to talk her into coming back, you have to use no contact.

 

The day you get the call saying she wants to see you is the day you know things might go your way.

Until then, you are wasting your time if you try to reach out.

You have to give up, wait, move on, or move on and keep the door open.

Which one is up to you.

But none of them involve you contacting her.

[Hurt]

I understand how you are feeling and what your heart wants to do, but,Its been 6 weeks and I contacted 3 X w/ no response, I also would have to accept that the ex would still be around etc...having contacted her w/ no response set me back to the ugly mornings! Its now been 5 days, and I will not contact again, if she has met another or whatever, we need to take care of ourselves, if they call, then deal with it at the time, the bottom line is that to take second place to another man will only end up in the same place a month from now.

[maui2k4]

I continually tell myself that contact will only result in me losing what progress I have made. I the past I did contact her until it got to the point we got mad at each other. The last conversation we had was not ugly and it was Wed - I called her. However, since then I have decided that the way she makes me feel when we communicate is a feeling I do not want to have. It does hurt to let her go and walk away. But in order to move on I have to break the cycle of behavior I did in the past which was hang on... I have to move on for myself - not in hopes she will come back. I will admit it is in the back of my mind that when I did back away last year when this happened, she caught wind I was seeing someone else and was able to break us up. I can only hope that situation does not present itself again and maybe the no contact is what will help. I wish I had a crystal ball to see what 2 months from now looked like...

[Hurt]

I ask my self these days, what am I trying to win here? What is the prize? If it is that she changes her ways and makes a complete commotment to the relationship, then yes its worth dying for, if contact with her would be good for me, then yes, but so far I am fighting to be hurt all over again! A friend of mine just called and told me she saw her last nite, alone, that I should call her! NO! she can call me and then back to beginning, what is it I want to hear from her? I am sorry? There are still more problems to work out and maybe she needs time to think, maybe she will move on or has, both ways, I cannot afford to do this again.

[miggsbucks]

Originally posted by beth5201

I think no contact is supp to get you over them, however, my motives are to get him wondering and call me...what if that plan does not work???

if this plan does not work, then no plan will work. there is nothing you can do that will bring him back. really there isn't. i know it sucks, and we all think that we CAN do something to bring them back. but WE CAN'T. there is no other plan to use. its horrible i know, but you have to try and move on without contacting him. contacting him will only push him away further and further each time.

 

i reckon a lot of people do try to get back with people they have dumped. but they will not consider ex's who took a long time to get rid of. they will think "oh god no not that insecure wreck". yes this sounds harsh in the extreme, but its a fact. and when you do keep on contacting them, thats how you appear - insecure (obviously depending on what you say to them, but contact implies that you can't let go anyway)

 

get back to square one and be that confident, attractive person that your ex first fell in love with again.

[Hurt]

'NO REASON TO HANG AROUND'

 

He and Pittman agree that individuals involved in break-ups must be allowed to get on with their lives.

 

For one thing, Resnick wonders, what does a man who hangs on like a leech on a jungle hiker plan to do if another male enters his former love's life. "Is he going to stalk her and end up getting arrested?" he asks.

 

New York psychotherapist Bonnie Ecker Weil writes about lovers reuniting in Make Up, Don't Break Up (Adams Media), to be published in Canada this month. She notes the following:

 

The man must announce a time period when he will not contact her, stick to it and then call and ask if they can meet.

 

He must ask himself: "What can I do to love her the way she wants to be loved, not the way I want to love her?"

 

Assume nothing and get the facts. When you meet, share feelings and ask what's wrong so changes can be made.

 

"Be strong enough to be gentle," says Ecker Weil.

 

If nothing appears to be working, adds the author, "Give her a brush with death. Move away, without any anger, and see if she moves towards you."

 

If everything fails, move on, again, without anger.

 

 

 

If a woman says no, says Resnick, she invariably means it and doesn't want an ex trying to worm his way back.

 

Bottom line, he adds. It hurts. It's finished. Buzz off.

 

"There is no reason to hang around," he remarks, "the emotional burden of forlorn hope will tear you apart. If you meet her on the street and say hello, fine, but ringing her up all the time is not the way to go."

 

Dr. Gail Golden, a London, Ont., psychologist, says there are stories of men who win back a woman's love. But, she notes, there are also pathetic tales of unwanted men hanging around like puppy dogs.

 

"It is almost always a bad idea to pretend one thing when you really want something else," says Golden.

 

Toronto psychologist David Factor says it's difficult for a couple to redefine the rules of a past relationship.

 

"In the short term, staying close friends seems like a good idea; long term, it could be self-destructive," he says.

 

In truth, he adds, the man is grieving and may be in denial.

 

"Most people know in their heart of hearts whether a relationship is really over," Factor continues. "If she wants you back, she'll phone."

 

Toronto psychotherapist Steve Schklar wonders why a man thinks he can lure a woman back to a scene she didn't like.

 

"Why would anyone try to use a hidden agenda or subterfuge to try and get someone back into a relationship that they were not comfortable with in the first place?," he says.

 

He suggests it's better for a man to take stock of himself and change the behaviour that sent the woman running.

 

That way, he adds, if the man bumps into his ex, he may at least have a chance of attracting her back.

 

Plus, he says, any future relationships will be on firmer ground because of his improved ways.

[dreamguy]

Nice post Hurt.

Especially when it says "If nothing appears to be working, adds the author, "Give her a brush with death. Move away, without any anger, and see if she moves towards you. If everything fails, move on, again, without anger."