No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[kodiak]

Craxydawg-

 

I know how you feel when they call you and you call them back and they dont return your calls. Or if they say that they will call but that call never comes. It sucks my brother!!! I talked to my ex about a week and a half ago. We talked for like a hour and it was great. It was way too long than I wanted it because I felt crappy afterwards. The conversation was awesome and it was like nothing ever happened except for the "I love you, goodnite". Anyways I told her that it was nice talking to her and that I hope she doesnt wait till next x-mas to call me, trying to joke a bit, u know? I said this because i want it to be up to her to when or if ever she wants to talk to me. My mom tells me that she has been the one calling so i should call her. The things is and like i told her is "that i want to call her all the time, and she knows that" " I want her to call me" Anyways you are right I lost my confidence with my ex and began to get sappy with her because of the long distance. I would get insecure when she went out with her friends becaue i worried she would meet someone better. At first she though this was sweet but than it began to wear on her.

 

So crazydawg stay strong and dont call her. You gave me great advice in my post and i followed it to my best of ability. Someone once told me that unless you give them a chance to miss you, they wont. Hope things get better and work out.

[maui2k4]

I learned the hard way this week that breaking the no contact rule is a bad idea. My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago and decided to see someone she worked with (we had been together on and off for 2 years - I am 32 she is 33). I had 4 days of no contact from last Wed-Sunday. While it was hard during that time, when I broke the silence with an email on Sunday then we spoke on Monday and at my request today - it did nothing but pour salt on my wounds. I wish I had kept the no contact and continued to put her behind me. All breaking no contact does is set you back to where you started. I ended up being told tonight that she still thinks she made the right decision. Talk about a conversation not going the way you wanted it to... She has broken up with me twice before in a similar manner so this was not too unexpected. I should have known better than to trust her again. I hope she never contacts me again... All she does is make me feel like crap and I am tired of it... My guess is in a month or two she will try to come crawling back again like she has before. This time I will not make the same mistake - last year I actually left someone else to get back together with her. That was a big mistake...

 

Moral of the story - if you are the dumpee, do not break the no contact rule - you will only get hurt again.

[crazydawg]

Amen man, Today i came on like a stalker, i stopped myself driving by her house since we broke up but, tonight i really really wanted to see her maybe because i needed someone. Well i did and on the way there 1 block before her street i turned instead of going, going into the turn i see her and her friend. I can only imagine how pathetic i look. OMG this is a horirble feeling, i'm chasing after a women who has no feelings for me and now they must be laughing at me. I hate this feeling why can't i find someone else...... I feel so embarrased out of all the time i couldve went this 1 time i end up getting caught. She must think i'm some sort of stalker. How sad.....

[dreamguy]

CrazyDawg,

 

Going back a few pages on this thread I can remember when you were telling that it's mostly over and the ex is not coming back.

Why are you still tormenting yourself by driving by her house ? You have to help yourself if you want to be strong and in control. You can't listen to all the songs that remind you of her, wear the clothes she gave you as a gift, smell her perfume, drive by her house, etc... and expect yourself to be strong !

We're human and, as humans, we have weaknesses, we have temptations and desires but we also have intelligence, and I know you're a smart guy but you're being extremely sentimental so stop it ! You're only hurting yourself.

[crazydawg]

thanks, i needed that. I preach no contact and i never really contacted her but something wanted me to drive by her house. All my other plans didn't work out last night, so i decided what the hell why not drive by. It was stupid, and i can only imagine how she must think of me. I am being strong, just tonight i finally broke in, Maybe it was just a coincedence that i saw her maybe not. I feel something led me there though, maybe its just my imagination. Thanks for the support, like everyone says its easier said than done. I wish i could just completely erase her but my mind doesn't let me. Part of me wants her and part of me doesn't. I've never been dumped b4 so now i know how it feels..

[KitWalker]

Been a few times where i've wanted to go back and drive by the ex's place or 'accidentally' be somewhere that I know she's going to be, but then again I think, what will that do??? Why would I need to go by? If I went by her house and a new car is there.......all that will do is make me upset or maybe jump to conclusions or find out the truth?

 

Why put yourself through it all! Im glad now that I dont know anything about the ex or what she's doing, if mutual friends start talking or asking about her etc, i change the subject, the less you know the better it is!

 

Imagine if you WERE a fly on the wall and you could see her every move and hear her everyword, where would that get you in life?? Its not a gain, its more a setback as you can see her/him carrying on without you. Just makes you upset and more hurt would it not?

 

Leave it be......she knows where you are if she's interested! Get out and meet others.....its the only way!

[wolvie666]

So my friends managed to drag me to a club tonight. I'm not much of a dancer and intended to be nothing but a wallflower downing a few beers, but the night turned out sorta good. It was strange, It's been so many years since I was single and this is the first time I've been single since I've been legal drinking age (and I've been legal drinking age for 5 years) so I was kind of overwhelmed. I didn't have the guts to go up to any girls (I've just never been in this game, ever) but I actually had girls come up to me. I had girls telling my friends that they thought I was such a cute guy and that they wanted to dance with me, etc. I didn't get any phone numbers, but that's okay because I know I could have if I wanted to. It gave me hope. I was so afraid that it would be impossible to meet somebody else, but it's friggin easy to meet somebody for at least casual dating. And that's really all I want to do right now. I feel like a stranger in a strange land so tonight was sort of just getting my feet wet, but it made me feel wanted for the first time in months. I've just gotta keep going out and meeting people and pushing the ex out of my brain. Of course I found myself comparing girls to her, but she really was out of my head most of the night. Let's hope I can continue pushing her out until she is just a memory. Watch, then I'll have some new girlfriend and she'll start calling me wanting me back...

[dreamguy]

Wolvie,

 

That's the way to do it. Prove to yourself and to your ex that you DO NOT NEED her in your life even if you had great moments with her. You can have great moments with other people. After all, she is the one who left.

Most of the dumpers who come back usually do it when they feel the dumpee doesn't need them and he/she couldn't care less if they come back or not. Believe it or not when you start showing real indifference it somehow adds to your charisma. If you don't need them then they see it as you being a catch and being able to get together with another person any time.

That what we all want: A person that can be considered as a catch, a partner that will make others dream and wish they could have someone like that in their life as well !

Good luck and start getting numbers !

[Stringfellow]

With my situation do you think she will ever realize that she is the common denominator in her failed relationships. She was married, started an affair, tried to reconcile the marriage w/o stopping the affair, gets dumped by the man she was having the affair with, 1 week later meets a new man and 1 month later they are married. They last 5 yrs, (she says all he did was yell at her and go off in tyraids for no reason) so she divorces him, starts dating a man, they dont work, we start dating fo about a month, she dumps me, dates a couple more men, then comes back to me.

 

We date for 7 months, steady seeing each other almost living together, in month 5 I ask her to marry me, she accepts, leaves ona business trip, 2 days later when she retuurn she says no that she does not want to get married. I ask why she said yes to begin with and she said " I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business" Talk about making me feel insecure.

 

Month 6 she says, "I love you but I only want to see you on the weekends now?, Now my security level in the relationship is low, my ego battered.

 

She breaks up with me, says she is tired of me being insecure, having to stroke my ego, and does not like the little tests I put her through, referring to me testing if i can trust her with my heart after what has all happened!

 

Do you think she will ever get it, that maybe, just maybe she has issues, and she needs to work on them???

[dreamguy]

It shouldn't really matter to you if she ever gets it or not.

What should matter, on the other hand, is the question "are you willing to spend your life with such an unstable person ?"

If the answer is "yes" then I'd say you should think again and again until you can see the light. This woman isn't going to make your life any easier, she will most likely turn it into hell itself. In fact, she had already started doing so and you were gradually becoming insecure about it all. Think about it.

[wolvie666]

I'm pretty pissed about this. I had just gotten off of work and was heading home and my cell phone started ringing. I look and see that it's the ex's cell phone. For a second I thought, "don't answer it", but then I did anyway and was sorta shocked to hear this dude's voice. He's like, "Hey, it's Buck (yep that's her new boyfriend's name)" and I said, "Yeah? What do you need?" And he said, "I just wanted to see when you and I are gonna meet up so we can settle this, cause I heard you like to run your mouth about me..." Meanwhile I hear my ex screaming in the background, "Stop it! Give me that phone! You're an a**h***!." So obviously they were fighting or whatever and somehow my name came into it. So then I said, "Listen Buck, don't flatter yourself into thinking I give a **** enough to want anything to do with either of your lives..." Just as he started to say something else I heard a struggle with the phone and then it hung up.

 

Why must I be tortured with ridiculous crap like this? Why did my ex turn into this immature idiot and take up with this retard? I expect an apologetic phone call from her tomorrow and I'm gonna firmly say, "Never ring my god damn phone again, I want nothing to do with you or your loser boyfriend anymore." I'm so much better than this stupid crap. She's the one that calls me when I talk to her! I'm getting over this and they're obviously still having drama over it. It's kinda funny now that I think about it. This crap only serves to push me farther away from her. It's so pathetic and childish. Oh she is gonna be swimming in a sea of regret in the very near future and she will be coming to me on her knees. As of right now if she tries coming back I don't friggin want her. She sucks and so does this whole life she's chosen.

[Stringfellow]

I have not talked to her in 2 weeks, I am getting weaker, not stonger.

 

Do you think the way she handled the marriage proposal was bad, most all I have talked to have said it was cruel. I hurt so bad when she said "I just said it to make you feel good while I was gone on business" I never told her how bad i hurt. I became insecure, I became unsure if she did love me, she said she did, but I wonder if she meant it.

 

When she told me she only wanted to see me on the weekends but that she really did love me though, then not only was I hurt but my ego was hurt as well.

 

We had disagreements, but only after the way she handles the proposal, until then not a fight at all. I asked her severla times to go to counseling with me, to set up an appt. but she never did, I wanted her to because I live 60 miles away and not sure of what she had in her town. I told her she could come to mine.

 

She never took the time in the 7 months that we dated to get to know my girls ages 11 and 13, not once did she play a game with them, nor did she sit with them and talk to them one-on-one. They came to me and told me that they thought she did not like them, but since I loved her it would be ok for me to keep seeing them. My oldest daughter said to me, dad, why do you keep going back to her if she keeps hurting you.

 

I treated hers like my own, playing with them, helping them with homework, and talking to them.

 

I am Catholic, been that for 42 years, she asked me to start going to church with her that she wanted me to go with her, so after 42 years I stopped going to the Catholic church and started going to hers, a Methodist, because I thought it was important enough for her to want me to go with her. She told the minister 2 weeks before we broke up, I was the most kindest, most gentle, most caring man she had ever met, and that she knows that she will never find a better man than me.

 

All I ever did was want her to love me, is that too much to ask, when she left the dear John letter she said it was that I was too insecure, that she did not want to keep stroking my ego, and was tired of the little tests I put her through to see how she if she did love me. Funny thing, I never second guessed her love, I never felt insecure and i never tested her until the marriage proposal turndown, I would have handled it so much better if she would have said I love you but I am not ready yet, instead I get "I just said yes to make you feel good while I was out of town on business!

 

God I hurt! I must have been so stupid, I knew her past, the affiar, trying to reconcile the marriage but still having the affair, the affair ends and then 1 month later she is married to a new man. She never sought help or counseling to understand why she had the affair, why she got married so quick the second time, just kept going through guys, wil she ever see that she is the commom dinominator to all the failed relationships.

 

I thought I could make a difference, I thought if i treated her with love and respect and caring and doiing all the little things that women want that I would sweep her off of her feet and she would love me until I died.

 

I am so stupid.

[klassic]

dreamguy: you are so f****** lucky! Good for you man. I am sitting here rotting with envy. Its been more than 2 months for me. Driving me crazy. Your story does give hope, but I still doubt its ever gonna happen for me. Just be smart and dont overplay it k?

[dreamguy]

Stringfellow,

 

I know you only wanted her to love you. But treating people with love and respect and caring doesn't always work. It only works with those who have enough emotional maturity to appreciate what you're doing. On the other hand, those who are b*tchy and selfish will only see your behavior as extreme weakness and they will think you're trying to compensate for something else you lack . Too bad but that's how it usually is !

In case you didn't get my point, I'm telling you that you're stupid at all. You should listen to your daughter when she says "Why do you keep going back to her when all she does is hurt you ?"

Obviously you're a good person and you can find someone who will make your life and that of your daughters much much better ! Just let her go for now and start looking for a person who will be worthy of being part of your family.

Your ex was selfish and she wasn't willing to sacrifice anything to make the relationship work. You said it yourself: she didn't go to counseling and she never took the time to know your girls !

You stopped going to the Catholic church only to go with her. Do you see the difference in maturity. The difference that exists between you and her ? A relationship is never about stubbornness... it's about making concessions when there's a need for it.

Come on man ! Even if your heart is in control now use your intelligence for a second here, will you ? Do you really want such a woman in your life ??

To continue my previous reply I would say: No I don't think she will ever get it. It would literally take a miracle for this woman to change ! Your best bet is to keep your hopes high while having very low expectations from her. Just go out and slowly (but surely) move on with your life for the time being. You deserve better and your daughters deserve someone who will love them as much as they love you.

[dreamguy]

klassic,

 

Thanks but I don't see how on earth I can be considered to be lucky ?

Although she has made all those confessions lately, my ex is still with her old bf. It's been 3 months like that.

Last month I stopped contacting her for 3 weeks until she caved in and called. I'm sticking to my decision and it's been 9 days since she called. I won't call, not even this time. Why do I have to give up my pride when she is still seeing her old bf ?

She can tell me all the nice things in the world, to me it's just words that she's using to keep me on the line in case things don't work out with him, nothing more for the time being. I need actions !

[Ptking403]

my ex called me after one week, we hung out the other day and we ended up making out. she said that what we did was wrong, but we made out again that same night should i continue no contact or start calling her?

[Stringfellow]

Before I proposed to her I was in heaven, we got along totally great, I was secure, I was in bliss then I asked her to marry me.

 

I must admit that we did argue alot because my insecurities in the relationship would crop up, but only after she turned me down the way she did after I proposed to her. Put yourself into my shoue for that time, you aske her to marry you and she says yes! You are so happy, while she leaves town on business you go out telling all your friends how happy you are. Then when you return,(bam) I dont want to get married, "I just said that to make you feel good while i was out of town on business" How would you feel, what would you have done. I was hurt so bad, I became insecure and yes my ego took a hard hit. I became insecure, ego was weakened.

 

Still in my shoes a month later, "I love you but I only want to see you on weekends" this after pretty much living together" now how do you feel?

 

Her dear john letter placed the blame all on me, it was my insecurities, she was tired of trying to reassure me, tired of stroking my ego, tired of my little tests.

Not once did she say how well I treated her, not once did she take any of the blame for our relationship failing, it was all my fault.

 

I guess I must be so very bad that not one ounce of good did she have to say.

[beautiful]

Dreamguy....................don't worrry about it if she will call in a month or two! IT DOES NOT MATTER! HER LOSS!

 

So talk to me about YOU! PM me if you like:-)

[Stringfellow]

What are your thoughts on what i said above?

[lost_in_chgo]

string

She placed the blame because she couldn't take responsibility for what she was doing. Making you the bad guy makes it easier on her.

 

Don't blame yourself.

[dreamguy]

Stringfellow,

 

lost_in_chgo is 100% right. I'm telling you, stop feeling guilty or responsible for what happened.

That is unless you know you made a big mistake like cheating on her ! Otherwise, if you can't see anything wrong then she is probably only blaming you to feel better herself. Don't let her get to you ! Keep your self-confidence high and keep faith in your abilities when it comes to the dating world. You may have lost one battle but it doesn't mean you lost the war.

[Stringfellow]

In your last post you indicated that I cheated on her, I NEVER cheated on her, she was the one that had an affair several years back before I was in her life, she cheated on her X, she said they tried to reconcile her marriage but she never stopped the affiar. I hope you did not think that I cheated on her, that thought never entered my mind.

 

What I blame myself for is after what happened when I proposed to her and she said yes and then 2 days later said no and when I asked why she said yes to begin with she said that she just wanted to make me feel better while she was out of town, then I started to feel insecure with the relationship, my ego was hit hard, then even harder when she told me a month later that she loved me but only wanted to see me on the weekends, that is when my insecurities hit rock bottom, my ego crushed. That is why I blame myself, we went to see the minister of our church, she told him that I ws the most kind, warm, gentle, caring man that she has ever met, and she knew she would never find a better man than me, she promised that she would show me what love was, 2 weeks later she broke up with me, I blame myself for being insecure, not knowing if she really cared, maybe if I had just listened to her words and not looked at her actions, that is what I blame myself for.

[dreamguy]

Stringfellow,

 

Don't make me start believing your ex was right about your insecurities.

I never indicated you cheated on her. I said you shouldn't feel guilty unless, for example, you did something wrong. You have to take it easy and relax. I'm not the ennemy.

When I asked my ex to marry me she said "if I follow my heart I would say yes right now but I have to follow my head too and I cannot accept."

Don't say "maybe if I had just listened to her words and not looked at her actions".

I have repeated this line so many times on the forum because it's so true: "Actions speak LOUDER than words".

People may tell you what they know you want to hear but they will seldom do something they are not convinced about. Words are very easy to utter but actions are hard to carry out.

[Stringfellow]

Right now I am pretty raw and hurt, never meant to indicate anything, just was not sure if you understood. thanks though, I may have needed the wake up call.

 

I do wonder if she will ever find anyone, or will she drift through life never knowing what real love is, I would have given her the world, and she need not ever asked for it.

[dreamguy]

I would have given her the world, and she need not ever asked for it.

When you are such a sincere person who is able and willing to give so much then the best thing that can happen to you is that you find someone worthy of your love and honesty. I hate to sound rude but your ex doesn't fit that description at all.

You deserve better. Believe it and go for it !