No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[rd1978]

hey dreamguy,, it all sounds to much like my situation,, girl seems to contact me nonstop,, i havent contacted her in 2 months since we broke up,, she is hanging with another guy to make her feel better,, and fill that void,, and now she is getting personal asking alot of questions like who are you hanging out with,, what have you been doing..where have you been you havent been home for the past 2 days.. etc etc.. i havent asked her 1 time,, she is a weak person,, trying to act tough as nails,,,,to prove a point to me and to her { But if she doesnt cut it out soon her point is going to be a lifelong experience..... that she wont forget...

i mean what the hell i swear we have talked on average of almost everyother day for the last month,, untill i started cutting her off on instant messanger and then she resorted to calling me again on my phone and now its to the point where she is trying to ask me to do stuff indirectly,,, like do you have a tennis raquett i want to play tennis,, stuff like that.... or im bored ,,, or im down at the bar i didnt know if you were coming here.....

 

Just the other day she told me she gets angry sometimes when she hears about all the fun stuff ive been up to and the changes ive made in myself,, so i told her that "friends" shouldt get angry over things like that,, and she was like FRIENDS??? then she was like is that what you want to be is my friend?? i said well i dont want to be enemies..... so she said i dont think i could be your friend ,, its just not that easy,, so she said do you think you could be my friend i said possibly but it wouldnt be all that easy at times..... so for the first time after this conversation i put 1% of feelings in and sent her a 4th of july card on the comp. just to change things up,, if she odesnt ask me to hang out sometimes soon im seriously disapearing ,, from the computer and she is going to have to call me if she wants to talk,, And im sure ill be to "busy" to talk to her most of the time,, my plan was to give her myself and if it didnt work then take it away....

[dreamguy]

Mr messed up,

Yes she might have given me my next belt of ammo by asking when I'm going to be at the beach but she also made it clear that she can't sit with me since her current bf has a lot of friends there and they would tell him if they ever saw us together.

Do you want to laugh ? She called today and said "I had another dream about you yesterday" (she had one like 10 days ago). So I told her "well, you know what they say, dreams are the ways in which the unconscious makes you live what the conscious desires but cannot have !". She was speechless.

Then she asked "anything new ?"

I said "a lot of things are new lately"

She said "really, what's new ?"

I said "you know, I'm living my life. You're with someone new and I'm seeing someone new although there's nothing serious YET on my side".

There was like a total silence for a few seconds then I resumed with "Maybe the break was a good thing. Maybe we make better friends, I don't know. Anyway, the past is the past. Now I look at the future."

I'm telling you I was almost able to imagine the expression on her face as she was really shocked by my words !

Then I added "You know, I wish you could be cool about it like me. In fact, I'm going to prove to you that I don't want any pressure and if you feel like someone is pushing you then we should stop talking on the phone."

Another total silence followed by a shy laughter.

I think I'll stick to NOT calling her. What I did today was make her realize she has almost lost me ! Before, she had always believed I would still be there as a friend. Today, you can bet she hasn't stopped thinking about my words since we hung up.

 

rd1978,

if she odesnt ask me to hang out sometimes soon im seriously disapearing

That's what I did today. I'm disappearing from her life little by little to make her realize it's all slipping away.

As long as she thinks I'm still here she's never going to take a risk and ask to see me !

And even if she ends up leaving for good then I'm still a winner because I'd rather she left now then later (when we're married for example).

[Mr messed up]

I think you missed my point mate, while she knows she is going to see you down at the beach in her mind that is like your still there in her life allbeit at a safe distance, if all of a sudden you were not there when she expects you to be then it will rock her questioning little mind !!! even more now you have said there is someone new moving into your life!!

 

From my experience over the last six months dealing with a game playing ex i would say take 20% of what she says as fact and judge the other 80% on her actions . As soon as she really feels she is looseing you i think you will start to see some movement in the right direction!!!!! including the swift rejection of Mr rebound from her life! Remember we all want what we carn't have !!!!!

 

Take care and keep us informed!!! I will eat my hat if im wrong on this!!!!!!!!

[fishman3226]

I like your thinking there my friend Mr messed up!!!

 

The whole human condition is that we want what we cannot have. Simple as that. Add into that the simple thing of not wanting someone who is needy then you have an interesting equation.

 

Me I got my ex leaving heaps of furniture and stuff in the unit all the while trying to find someone to be her boyfriend thru dating websites (and describing me as her 'ideal partner') and ringing me up after two months and wanting to hang out (though she says: 'as friends' - I suppose thats why she flirts with me and wants to come hang out at my place.)

 

If I was you dreamguy I would say to her you are goign to the beach - appear for a few days, make a point of having her see you then go to another beach or elsewhere for a few weeks. Make her miss you somewhat.

 

If she calls just say you are really busy and just before you hang up say - hope to see you soon.

 

Make her have to see you to have contact.

[mrbubbles]

well, i phoned her the other day, asking how she was then i got a response of "why u phoning me anyways" in abit of a hostile way to which i replied " i thought we were friends, didnt mean to bother you at all, sorry, bye" to which i put phone down. 2 secs later i get a return phone call saying "you dont have to be like that" anyways i then got a sms saying she will call me on thursday. anyways, i havent phoned for 2 days, what now? how was her reactions? what do they mean? could it be possible ehr defences are down i dont know, but do i make a move or just carry on the friends thing until she lets out her feelings or do i help her by asking her?

[dreamguy]

Mrbubbles,

Do not make a move now. I repeat, do NOT make any move now. She is still way too hostile for you to get on the attack. I suggest you even stop calling her until she calls back. She will call back. I'm willing to eat Mr messed up's hat if I'm wrong on this

 

Mr messed up,

I must admit I like your thinking too. You see, I'm someone who prefers the blunt truth (even when it's not what I want to hear) to nice rounded words (even when it is what I want to hear).

Got your point this time, thanks for explaining. The thing is I have already paid for 3 months in advance to go to that private beach. So it will be difficult to go somewhere else. I won't communicate with her though and I won't keep on looking at her when she's there of course (to answer fishman too).

i would say take 20% of what she says as fact and judge the other 80% on her actions . As soon as she really feels she is looseing you i think you will start to see some movement in the right direction!!!!! including the swift rejection of Mr rebound from her life! Remember we all want what we can't have !!!!!

Take care and keep us informed!!! I will eat my hat if im wrong on this!!!!!!!!

I seriously hope so because I still feel for that girl. Besides, we don't want you to eat that hat of yours.

 

fishman3226,

If she calls just say you are really busy and just before you hang up say - hope to see you soon.

Make her have to see you to have contact.

So you're saying I should send her mixed signals. Tell her I would like to see her but I'm too busy and she's going to have to call and ask for it.

[fishman3226]

Nah, I am saying say in essence 'when you want me I am here - ring me when you want me.'

 

Then aim to do some stuff for you - go out dating - shag women - whatever - live your life and make her squirm wanting you.

[mrbubbles]

so what is ur opinion on the phone call we had last, did i leave it on a good note ? again, i had to make sure i replied to her with the right words, but what is ur general outtake on that phone call? and how long do i need to wait now? :| i was jsutthinking of phoning her every 4-5 days to see how she is until she comes out with what she feels bcos i dont want to push her either.

[mrbubbles]

ps it was obvious she'd be abit histile as u mentioned but i took her down a level by making her phone me back basically saying i didnt mean it etc..anyways, fire away with ur opinion

[fishman3226]

nah mate - let her just think you have moved on - have a look at the 'no contact rule' threads and follow that - if they care they will come back - in the interim look after you - you dont have to feel like this guys.

 

Guys, you made it clear to them (as I have to my ex) that you want them back and that you care. They know this and understand it - hence the alls and emails and whatnot.

 

They in a odd way are kind of looking for their fix to placate them. If you dont give it to them they will either do one of two things - get over their addiction or look to have more of it.

 

Either way you have to show strength and courage and lead them on to YOU - be someone that is 'expensive' and cost a bit to obtain - they easily come and go they are less incline to come back compleytely.

 

You guys ever had someone that when you broke up with they did not contact you? Did it help you? Did it show they were finished with you? I cannot remember one woman that i broke up with other than my ex that contacted me after the breakup. So it aint normal in my view. Other motives? Who knows?

 

They want something, let em come get it - put out the line and let them come to you.

[mrbubbles]

mate, i have read the lot about no contact and i understand it, but i dont think that is the only solution for every circumstance, however i understand the point of it thats why i use it at different points but sometimes the female mind needs alittle teasing or encouragement as i say and im sure there's always a way of playing it right thats why i seek my answers

[dreamguy]

mrbubbles,

Don't worry about leaving on a good note. Instead, always worry about leaving (hanging up) when the conversation is at its peak ! It will leave her wanting more. Never wait until the conversation gets dull to say "well, I'll be seeing you. bye now". This is the teasing or encouragement you are talking about.

 

and how long do i need to wait now? :| i was jsutthinking of phoning her every 4-5 days to see how she is until she comes out with what she feels bcos i dont want to push her either.

Listen, people tend to search for a pattern when they want to predict something. What I mean is: If you always call her every 4 or 5 days then your calls will lose their importance. Why ? First because 4 days is not enough for her to miss you (aim for 1 week or something like that), second because she will predict your calls every 4 or 5 days and there won't be any surprise effect. When you predict something it doesn't make your heart beat. It doesn't leave you bewildered.

Never try to call at the same interval or on the exact same week days and at the same time of the day.

 

but i took her down a level by making her phone me back basically saying i didnt mean it

Yes you sure did. But it's too early to cave in. The key here is to keep her floating and hoping without putting any pressure. No one can tell you when or how to call. No one knows your situation better than you do. It's up to you to decide but try to follow the general guidelines that I talked about above when calling. Moreover, check her reaction and her tone of voice everytime you call. If you feel she's rude then feel free to end the conversation and to wait longer before calling again.

 

fishman,

Guys, you made it clear to them (as I have to my ex) that you want them back and that you care. They know this and understand it

I'm not sure this is my case anymore. You see, yesterday while talking to her on the phone I said "You're taking things too seriously, we're simply friends now and I'm not trying to get you back". So she might have thought I don't have any feelings for her anymore.

 

They in a odd way are kind of looking for their fix to placate them. If you dont give it to them they will either do one of two things - get over their addiction or look to have more of it.

Not sure I get your point here. If you don't give them what ?

[fishman3226]

My point is that if you give them their fix of you then they will go away feeling OK and having enough until the time they want another fix again. If you deny them what they crave then they will ultimately have to decide if they want it permamently (ie come back) or take off and look for something else.

 

You cannot control this unfortunately.

[dreamguy]

Point taken into consideration.

I'm not contacting her and if I bump into her at the beach today and she says "hi" I'll only reply "hi how is it going" and I'll keep moving.

Will keep you guys updated about the latest.

[mrbubbles]

ok, do u honestly believe the best solution for me now is to do a full week of no contact? what would actually go through her mind during this period ,i havent pressured her or anything, but for example, some ppl say g/f 's sometimes break up with u to change u, but how she gonna know this if i never ever see her and phoning doesnt seemt o be the right thing, yeah its probably gonna be like, well u can tell her aftera week, but when is considered too long, seriously?

[dreamguy]

Mrbubbles,

but how she gonna know this if i never ever see her and phoning doesnt seem to be the right thing

She's gonna know when she wants to know (i.e. when she asks or calls) not when you feel like telling her.

At least this is how I see it.

Besides, are you sure she broke up with you to change you ? And if the answer is "yes" what is she trying to change in you ? Do you think you should change that thing or do you think she is over-reacting ?

 

well u can tell her aftera week, but when is considered too long, seriously?

There's a post by sid3 called "What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?"

check it out at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=38507

[mrbubbles]

read it, didnt find it that interesting tbh, just load of the same stuff so i cam to find dreamguy! anyways, its not the case of why she wanted to part, its more in how many different angles could i make her interested.being long distance things arent as easy so i kinda feel time is running out abit, long distance is tough, so i know how tempted u can get ( if u feel me) .thats the only reason why i seem abit keen, dont get me wrong im treating this as all mind games, cos it mostly is, but at the end of the day, distance has a major factor in me not wanting to wait so long. any more ideas?

[Mr messed up]

Nice one mate i get where your coming from 100% took me long enough to realise it mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[meanttolive4ever]

heres my ordeal...ex and i were dating for almost a year.. he uses the "its not you its me" and " i dont know how to feel" so we break up and i go over there every night...he leaves everytime im there. few weeks later i go over there to see his sister...i babysat for her a few times...and walked in his bedroom cause he called for me...his eyes lit up like a candle. but still ignored me that night. Anyways..i havent seen him in almost 3 months. i started no contact a few weeks after the break up and he started calling only when he was "bored" while his girlfriend was at school. pretty pathetic huh...so finally i got tired of him calling me and i told my mom to tell him to stop calling. He said thats was alright. (mind you he started dating this girl like 2 weeks after we broke up). Well he hasnt called me since and i called him one day that i shouldnt have. i broke my NC rule after like a month . Cause all he said was that he was playing around with his cell phone and taking his mom to someplace..and he couldnt talk that long. ever since that day i havent talked to him..havent wrote him a letter or anything ( i wrote one before and he called me but i didnt answer it) i mean NOTHING...the other day i wanted to call him and see what was up but i know i cant break it this time. its been about a month and a half. i'm proud of myself. And still he hasnt called. so i dont know what to do. i dont know how he really feels..cause he usually doesnt tell you how he feels unless you ask him..he bottles up everything. And i kept having these dreams about us last night. It really freaked me out. Made me love him even more =(. i'm so pathetic.

[Mr messed up]

No one can ever let you down if you haven't been leaning on them ! No one can hurt your feelings, make you unhappy , angry ,lonely or disappointed if you are not dependant on them ?????? So come on all you unhappy people stand up on your own two feet n smile!!!!!!!!!!

[sweetchristianbabe]

i caught my bf looking at porn and talking to other girls and masturbating to them 2 weeks ago when I accidently came across a screen name while signing on to his computer(when i was visiting him in his hometown) It broke my heart and I didnt know what to do ... After a week of going back and forth with my decison to stay with him or break up we both decided to break it off in an effort to see if we actually needed to be with eachother or we were just comfotable together. After a day and half i was going crazy, I wanted to know if he was thinkning of me, if he missed me like i missed him....i just wanted him to call so bad. I was up all night crying and sick to my stomach. Then that night he text messaged me and it said,"i cant sleep". I knew he missed me! I text him back(which maybe I shouldnt have......because it brakes the whole no contact rule theory...)and said," me either" The next morning i couldnt take it I had to talk to him and so I called and we are working things out. it might have only be a couple of days but it was long enough for us to realize we WANT to be together we WANT to work things out and we need balance in our lives. Anyways moral is the no contact rule can work, just in our case we both couldnt stand the rule!

[fishman3226]

I am starting to thik you know that if someone is going to disrespect me enough when they supposedly care and then leave me to feel heartbreak, only to come back when it suits them and cause me more pain that they are obviously not honourable enough to be in my life and that if their own morality is to possess someone to play with them when they feel it is fit then they are not worthy of a. my affection, no matter how strong it is and b. my friendship.

 

Friends do not hurt other friends. If your best friend actively aimed to use you up and hurt you you would soon move on from them.

 

Same here I think. Give them sme 'no contact time' then give them an ultimatum after say maybe 6 months (? if it feels enough time) and then if you still wonder about them ask 'is there a chance?' No reply, goodbye - no agreement, make the decision if you want friendship or not. In my humble opinion the answer is no.

 

Then cut them loose - make them feel like you now deem them unworthy of your love. Tell them something like 'I waited for you for 'x' months. You could not see in yourself that I was someone that you should be with. As of now, I no longer want you in my life. You may now do as you please.'

 

Dramatic huh?

[lost_in_chgo]

And pointless.

unless it makes you feel better I guess.

[crazydawg]

fishman,

Sometimes when you know something you still need someone to remind you of it. You still need someone else to step up and tell you what you need to tell yourself (but somehow you don't). You just did that so thanks for that reply. Thanks for the slap, I deserved it.

The fact is, I know my ex very well. She has a rather weak personality. So if I use a rude tone with her it will scare the hell out of her and she might run away forever because she is very sensitive now.

 

Mr DreamGuy i've been reading quite alot from you, and i have to say your very intelligent, but I feel that what your doing is wrong. You see your girlfriend doesn't really want you. She's testing you out. I'm not to sure if she has someone else, but as long as someone else is there its a reason for her not to get back with you. My situation is pretty similar except my ex girlfriend got with her exboyfriend. We haven't spoken for a week but i know that as long as that guy is there he can comfort her and make her believe everything will be ok. I also know this from personal experience because i've done it. I had a 2 yr relationship with a girl and when i met my attractive ex i dumped this girl. For some reason i was so cold like i believed i was doing the right thing. Even tho i went through so much with this girl. Either way i ended up making a mistake but i just realized that now after 1 yr with this girl. Now all i want todo is apologize for being so cold to this girl i remember her writing me and calling me telling me how she loves me but i ignored her because this new girl made me believe so. Anyway my point is your treating these situations with ifs and buts, but in reality if there is someone else, she's not coming back. It hurts i know i can't take this **** anymore either but its tru because i did it to someone i care and now someone i love did it to me. Ignore her all together unless you just wanna say hi a month later which i plan on doing. But she knows if she calls you that she is gonna make you think things, thats what she wants. She wants controll over the situation so she doesn't feel guilty.

I feel bad for everyone on this board believe me life sucks we just have to try and move on

i'm trying my best too. I'm to the point where i just want to wait for her outside her house but for what so she can break me again. Nah, not this time we need no one but ourselves if love comes we accept it if it leaves we deny it.

 

edit* BTW if there is even one friend that doesn't like your or even one family member that brings your chances down another 50 percent.

[fishman3226]

I kind of agree with everyone, but no matter what is said it comes down to it we all want our ex's back for whatever reason.

 

I believe there is no right way to do it but I think (and no, I have not had any successful resolution) the following should be remembered:

 

1. Do not be needy

2. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but also makes it easier to move on

3. Do not approach them (ie no contact)

4. They either come back and hassle you because of a failing (maybe of character, their expectations post 'you' or their new partner) or they want you back.

5. Friendship when you feel for them DOES NOT WORK.

 

And above all, stand true to yourself - dont stoop a level of wanting them 100% - treat them as a 'possibilty' but above all LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

 

LEARN and LIVE YOU LIFE. Make a point of bettering yourself - not what you expect them to want but what YOU think will benefit you for yourself.

 

And if they come back - however unlikely - good luck!!