No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[prodigy_khaine]

jw32802

 

Damn, what's he doing to you? You gotta sit him down and work thru this. Don't give a hoot what the other chick says - its his actions, his words that matter. I think you two should catch up at a nice quiet place, sometime close to sunset (I'm getting romantic visions here) and TALK! Its unfair of you to be told that he loves you, if he loves the other girl. Its unfair of him to take you back to his place and be intimate, if he's not in love with you - you deserve to be treated better than that - everyone does.

 

You've gotta work out where you stand.

 

After you've talked, tell him to contact you when he's made his decision: Beatles or Rolling Stones.

[jw32802]

i cant talk to him; it hurts too much. He kept saying that I dumped HIM (he has CP i think). he said that i broke up with him and he didnt think id come back; i told him i had just wanted him to change and come to me after he had. I left him a closure voice mail 2 days after i talked to this girl; told him i was doing ok and that i couldnt talk to him anymore but that i wished him well and that he should maybe go thru therapy so he doesnt go thru this with her too. I said i loved him and that i will miss him but i cant do this anymore. then i changed my cell phone number. It has been a week since all this happened. tues morning i woke up to an email from him that just said "bye, luck". i dont want to call him i just want the hurt to go away. if he is with her then he doesnt love me, even if he says he does

[meanttolive4ever]

well my ex's gf decided to jump down my throat the other night and so i laid everything out on the table..i told her that i would never talk to him again or ever date him..just to make her happy but then memories came back and now i do want him back..i decided that i would call him and tell him about her doing this but when i dialed the number..it wasnt working..he changed it! So i dont know what to do. i really need to talk to him...but ugh im so messed up. this is just messing me up and i miss him so much...i think i need to check myself into a center or something

[shellen]

prodigy

 

i think you are right, he is probably just concerned. he told me he loved me, but not the way lovers do. I dunno to be happy or sad to hear this lol. I guess I just dun like the way he asked, it feels like im being interrogated. his msges were like: "what did u do?", "with who?", "guy or gal?" And he gets a little unhappy if i am unwilling to divulge too much. And he went on to ask for his name and where he's from. Isn't that a little excessive? But when I told him he is just a friend, he stopped pressing me for answers, maybe it's just a coincidence. But was I being too honest? I just felt that it was silly he getting all curious over some random friend of mine, so I told him.

 

dreamguy

 

yea..ive thought abt this mystery factor coz i think ive read abt it in one of your previous posts. but I am thinking is it still neccessary for me to be mysterious since Ive very much given up any hope of him coming back to me. And if i am reluctant to tell him who I was with, perhaps he would intrepret it as me still wanting him back, though it's kind of true, but I dun want him to think that.

 

 

and another thing, though I'll definitely miss him a lot if he is no longer in my life, but if I remain friends with him, I feel im allowing him the best of both worlds. he wants the friendship more than me. so sometimes I wonder should I put up with missing him and not let him have everything his way. it's kind of revengeful thinking I guess. but he is already happy in a new relationship, im just like icing on his cake.

 

another thing, I really wonder why he does not feel embarassed saying things like "I'll come back for you if things dun work out with her." Doesn't he realized that is as good as saying "you are my spare tyre"? Or am I being too cynical? If not, I dun understand why he thinks it is alright to say such things to me.

[fishman3226]

I agree with what is be8ng said here - correct me if I am wrong - but you cannot have a friendship if you still for the other - let them know that it is a friendship in a relationship or nothing so you can move on with your life.

 

I have a situation like what has been described prodigy_khaine (hello fellow Aussie) where I know my ex only contacted me after her attempt to find someone else failed.

 

I am in a new relationship - with someone who is wonderful - I got with her a week after my ex (then of three months) had stayed over and then gave me another huge mixed message (we spent the night together.) I constantly think about the ex even though I dont believe we will get back and that my new gfis better, but I sent my ex an email asking if she thinks about more than friendship. If she doesnt then she is history. Whyh? Because I still feel for her and if I was single I would not hesitate to take her back.

 

I smsed her this morning - there was a show that she would have wanted to see about her heritage and I got a reply that I would have got if we was together - it could have been a simple 'thanks.' But it wasn't.

 

Interesting to her online profile has disappeared - I wonder what happened there? Interesting because I sent her that email recently about getting back...hmmmmmm....

 

Well, I am also meeting her tomorrow night for a feed and a 'catchup' so one way or another I should get some sort of resolution....or more confusing and hurt.

[prodigy_khaine]

Its funny how you always have advice for other people, but struggle to believe your own...

 

I'm in a bit of a pickle. I'm trying to go 5 weeks no contact, and its already been broken (see previous note - anyone got a verdict on that yet?), so I guess its no-avoidable contact now. But I gotta werk with her tomorrow (Monday) for 6 hours in a small pharmacy, and I just know she's gonna ask how I'm coping - she's that kinda girl (the ones you fall in love with... )

 

I'm not sure how to answer this question. I know "pity" playing and saying I miss her heaps and I'm not eating and nothing is enjoyable will get me nothing but a sympathetic awww. Should I put on a brave face and say 'I'm fine', or 'its getting easier each day', or go totally opposite and say "what breakup???" and feign I'm having the time of my life.

 

Which will get her to think/miss me the most, or think about her actions? This will quite probably be the last contact at all that I have with her for 4 weeks (unless she initiates - fingers crossed people)

 

Fishman good luck with your catchup, hope you get what you seek. Keep us informed.

[jw32802]

Pretend your happy, act like you are not bothered by the breakup anymore, but also be KIND to her. It will take pressure off of her and she will be able to think of you in only positive ways! good luck, but why dont you just call out??

[dreamguy]

Quick update:

 

I saw my ex today on the beach with her bf (he was her bf when I met her a year ago).

Dunno but I think he knows about me because he kept on looking at me all the time in a rather angry way.

He's short, I'm tall. He's average looking, I'm good looking. He's not tanned, I'm super tanned. He doesn't work out at all, I've been lifting for quite some time...

As soon as they sat by the swimming pool he put his hand around her as to show she was with him now.

I was really very cool and I didn't show any signs of weakness but God only knows what I was feeling inside !

She passed by me and stopped to say "hello" to which I replied "hey there, you're getting a nice tan. So how have you been?" she said "I'm fine and you ? Are you here alone ?" I answered "You know me, I always like to be single when I'm on the beach... lots of new people to meet "

 

Now why did she ask me the question "are you alone" ? What does she care ?!

It is because last time we spoke on the phone about a week ago I told her that I was seeing someone but it was not serious yet ?

You know what. I feel like calling her and saying this: "Hi. listen, I still have feelings for you and so I have to end the friendship between us because I'm getting tired of all this. I simply cannot keep on being your friend. I hope you understand" then I'll never call her again.

I know I'm gonna get f***** up inside when I do this and I can only hope I won't break my word and call her again. But I feel she's gonna keep on stringing me along for months until she is over me if I accept to be her friend. We haven't even been out for a coffee yet and it's been 6 weeks since we broke up !

What do you think ? Is it a good idea to do this or should I just keep on calling once a week to let her know I'm still here ?

[crazydawg]

Honestly dreamguy, its over i dont care what you analayze or what you say man. Its over i'm telling you this because i've done it. Once SOMEONE ELSE IS IN THE PICTURE its 99 percent over. I hate to break it to you but i'm goign through the same senareo, except that my ex doesn't talk to me. She got back with her ex bf a couple of days after we broke up. THats her rebound(her way to further diminish her guilt) . Dreamguy i'm sorry to sound so blunt with you but its the truth. I've done it to my ex ex gf when i found someone new i didn't give a **** about her even tho i'd call her once in a while and see her once in a while its like once i met a new girl it didn't matter what that ex thought. You see you are analyzing to much, she's not coming back, and if she does not anytime soon. Only if she realzing that the grass is not greener on the other side. Sorry guys like i said before its killing me also. I wanna just go out and grab her and hug her also, but for what, so she can diss me again. Make myself look stupid again? From trying to win her back the first couple of days.....

[murphy pee]

VIVA NO CONTACT! Thats what I say. Kepp playing it cool. You have some pretty good phylosophies...keep feeding on them, and stay strong. I am living proof of NO CONTACT.

[jw32802]

Murphy pee

you say you are living proof? what happened w/ you?

[dreamguy]

Murphy Pee,

VIVA NO CONTACT! Thats what I say. Kepp playing it cool. You have some pretty good phylosophies...keep feeding on them, and stay strong. I am living proof of NO CONTACT.

Which philosophies are you talking about ? Was this post referring to me ?

 

crazydawg,

I do believe that once there is someone else in the picture then it could be mostly over but only when that someone is new (where there's the beauty of the newness and excitement of the relationship which lasts from 3 to 4 months).

However, the guy my ex is now dating used to be her bf 1 year ago. I took her from him (well she left him for me).

So there is no novelty here. He's an old bf about whom she knows a lot. No more mystery and excitement.

She even said I don't love him twice and on the last day I saw her face to face (6 weeks ago) she said "maybe I won't marry him". So she's not really into this guy as much as he is into her. She has already dumped him once for me. It can happen again.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure if calling her once a week is a good or a bad thing.

It might be good because we would still be in contact (pleasant moments when we talk on the phone) and I would always remain in the picture. So, as soon as she faces problems with him (and it's gonna happen) then she's gonna come back to me.

On the other side, it might be bad because it would give her the time to slowly but surely get over me until she no longer needs me.

If I cut all contact, will she think I'm moving on and do so herself or will she feel she has lost me forever and this will force her to make an instantaneous decision to come to me ?

[jw32802]

So do you really believe rebounds dont USUALLY WORK? Even if its been 2-3 mths? My ex met someone RIGHT AFTER we broke up and he kept saying "you broke up w/ me, u broke my heart" and i said "all you had to do was change and treat me better". but hes with her, they are away right now in florida and it breaks my heart. But he was texting me every other night and last week i got this text

"I have been thinking about you all day. I hope you are well. God i miss u. I still love you"

but i find out he is with this girl and she even told me they are in love and getting married. He found out i was going to be at this bar last thurs night and even though he had to be up at 5am the next MORNING, he showed up there at the bar at 11pm and told me he just had to see me and stayed by my side all night, even switching places w/ people and id say "what?" and he'd be like "i just wanted to stand near you". then stupid me goes back to his house and thats when i find pictures of this girl up. and i called her so that i could know what was going on. she said "what?? he told me he only dated you once. we're in love, we're getting married. Im coming there and im smashing in his TV and writing cheater all over the walls" is what she said. shes 32 and hes 29. from that day on, i left him a closure voice mail, telling him i knew about her and that all i wanted wasw for him to change and i would have worked things out but that i couldnt do this anymore. i changed my number and that was last saturday. its been a week now. he emailed me after 5 days (tues) and it just said "bye, luck" . i think i am deleting that email address. Do these rebounds usually last? can someone really love 2 people at once? and can he possible even KNOW this girl after only 3 mths? I was such an easy girl to get along with and i KNOW i am not easy to replace, but what if she is everything that a girl should be? how long does it take for this newness to wear off? i wonder if he thinks of me still and compares me

[crazydawg]

I dont think you should continue contacting her. Its not gonna make a difference she's not gonna forget you....

I know because i still haven't forgot about the girl i dumped and its been 3yrs . You have to move on bro, she's toying with you and your feelings, she's giving you sign of hope but its out of her own guilt of breaking up. You say its her old bf of one year, then thats better for her she's more comfartable with him and most likely IS USING HIM but then again would you be more afraid to sleep with someone new or someone you've been with already. Listen, i'm trying to help you out man i'm almost in the same situtation. I know they do this because they need that extra someone for the attention. She has a mouth, she has a phone, If she wants to she will realize what she lost. Time can only tell but if you keep staying back how is she going to miss you in the first place? You can go on and not forget her but life goes on. It seems that she realized this first. Out of all the posts i've seen you update us on. Not once did she say she wants to get back with you. She can ask all the questions in the wolrd to you that don't make sense and give you mixed signals. But if she really wanted to she should have the courage and ballz to tell you she misses you and wants you back. Don't settle for less or else your putting your heart at risk. Guys you all helped me so much. Its been 2 weeks of no contact for me and i broke it somewhat 1 week ago. I saw her a t work and decided to go in, and saw her ex bf there ( i think she saw me, hope not) anyway i turned around and told myself this is it. She's moving on why shouldn't I. Thanks guys for all the help, dreamguy you have great points and advise except your girlfriend moved on. Your in denial if she comes back she will but i seriously doubt anytmie soon. Thanks guys a ton

 

btw my girlfriend also got back with her ex (the one i stole her from) so don't let it seem that i dont understand too much i kinda do dreamguy. They do that because they know the person, more comfartable and because they know its a way to push you to the edge. Dreamguy you seem like a nice guy, but the reason we were dumped is because we weren't a challenge. I'm affectionate and respectfull. She gave me this BS excuse that i'm too controlling in a way i am but its because i loved her and wanted to spend alot of time with her. Thats womenize to say that i'm sorry but i found someone else. You see if we were a challenge, basically if she saw other women were interested in us and saw this first hand she would have been on ur ****. Next time you goto the beach bring a hot friend. You'll see her talk to you know i guarentee it. But, that still doesn't mean she's gonna go running back to you. Goodluck guys

[sid3]

Hey DG, I say stop the calling once a week. Let her see what it is like without any communication. It'll be four weeks for me tomorrow. I am tempted to send her an email or a text, but it would only feed her ego and control. No one knows what the future holds. It is helpful to not try and predict it. You've given me some helpful viewpoints and opinions, if you stop calling and it f** you up inside, that's normal, take it in small steps and remember you have friends here that can try and help you get through it. It sometimes may seem hopeless, but time and fate have a strange way of changing things....

[dreamguy]

Thanks for your replies.

I haven't contacted my ex lately and I'll check with someone I know (a good looking girl) about taking her with me to the beach next time.

Will keep you posted.

 

jw32802,

Do these rebounds usually last? can someone really love 2 people at once? and can he possible even KNOW this girl after only 3 mths? I was such an easy girl to get along with and i KNOW i am not easy to replace, but what if she is everything that a girl should be? how long does it take for this newness to wear off? i wonder if he thinks of me still and compares me

Normally rebounds do not last as they are just used for immediate emotional needs, but sometimes it happens and they last.

I don't believe someone can love two people at the same time. Or if they did, they would always love one more than the other. So, to rephrase, no one can love two people at the same time with the same intensity.

There is no guy who is everything a man should be and there is no girl who is everything a woman should be. There are people who meet most of your criteria and some others who meet less of your criteria (the ones you require in a person). Still no one is perfect.

The newness sometimes takes 3 to 4 months to wear off. But there is no rule about that, it's just a statistic and it's relative to how many times the couple sees each other and what they do when they meet (i.e. if they do the same things and go to the same places or not).

I'm inclined to say that he is still thinking about you and that he sometimes compares the girl he is with to you in certain aspects. It almost always happens during the period following a break-up.

[fishman3226]

I got a mere 12 hours until I meet up with my ex for the first time in three months - after I sent her an email about me and her possibly getting back together and to be honest I am starting to get nervous. We have split now for just over 5 months.

 

I should point out that I have a new gf too - yeah definetely a rebound thng here i think - if my ex wants me back I do not know what I will do - I dont want to hurt anyone but I may have to make a tough decision very soon - stay with someone that I think is a better person than my ex, is a top person and to be honest better in bed than my ex (but I have the fact I am not in love with and I dont have chemistry with) or my ex who suffers depression and is at times immature and irrational (but who I love and know she is 'the one' and have heaps of chemistry with.)

 

I have not heard what the ex thnks of my email to her - but oddly her online dating profile has 'disappeared' over the weekend. I emailed her on the 7th, and that was the last day she accessed her profile. On Saturday - the day I got a meesage from her about meeting today - her profile 'disappeared.' Makes me wonder somewhat.

 

I am aiming not to have hope here - I am sick of disappointment when it comes to her and loving her - I am also thinking about getting into her email account though that is dishonest and trying to find out what is going on......

 

My gf said she thinks (and said this a while back) that one day my ex will realsie how good a bloke I am and then try to come back. She said she believes that the ex hopes that I am on the rebound and that it will fall apart for her to come back. Alot of people (including professional counsellors and so on) have said that she may want me in case of things falling apart. Well, hopefully in 12 hours I will know somewhat about what is going on.

 

dreamguy

 

Mate, I would do what you said here:

 

I feel like calling her and saying this: "Hi. listen, I still have feelings for you and so I have to end the friendship between us because I'm getting tired of all this. I simply cannot keep on being your friend.

 

You obviously are copping what I copped - all these feelers out there to see if you will bite. I feel for you bro, sucks hard to think that someone can know how you are feeling yet still use you like a toy for their own desires and wants. A friendship is about mutual respect between two people - if she does not respect you for your feelings then she is not a good friend. Simple as that. Once she expected you to be there for her - hell maybe even protected her now she wants you to close down these feelings and go blindly into the night only to be brought out when it is convenient? (man, I should listen to myself...) hat aint respect, that is holding on to you in the off chance that things go ary for her. And likew the suckers we are, we would take em on board...

 

Man, love sucks.

[Whisper]

Had no contact for a week.

 

I met up with him yesterday because I had some things I needed to get out into the open about how I feel and what not. We were together for about three hours. The first two hours or so were fine. We talked about everything, laughed .. caught up on what had happened since we last saw eachother. I don't know how the hell we got on the topic, but he started talking about how he's still attracted to me. You could tell he was really really trying to control himself from coming on to me, but after about thirty minutes of him fighting himself, he pulled me quickly onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me tightly among other things. We almost kissed, but didn't.

 

Right after that we decided that he should take me home. So he did. We talked a few hours later on AIM and he told me that he isn't going to see me again till school starts. His reasoning was because he still cares about me, and he's still attracted to me, so there isn't much holding him back from jumping my bones ... so he's just not going to see me so he can avoid it altogether.

 

I know he still cares about me so much. He still gives me that look, the one that makes you feel like they can see every thought your thinking, the one that makes you feel like they love you.

 

I'm so confused. Everyone is telling him to get back with me and he keeps on saying no and that his decision is never going to change.

 

I gave up on everything a long time ago, and I was doing just fine till this all hit me. I can't help but sit here and think that he is lying to himself when he says he doesn't want to be with me.

 

 

...... help?

[lost_in_chgo]

Sounds like standard confusion.

 

Don't try to convince him. It's better (and really only possible) if he does that on his own.

Go out and see someone else. That'll make him jealous and give you a different perspective.

[mrbubbles]

chill out dreamguy, its fine..by thwe way its funny hearing someone say once someione is in the picture its over!..NO! it isnt..for 1, who knows, maybe u treated ur ex like crap, maybe she doesnt like u at all..but in dreamguys case after reading quite a few posts id say shes given her hints long enough..the only thing i can say now since sum1 else is in the picture is..the most important time of any relationship is 90 days, she will know after that whether to keep him or dump him, just chill now..even though i think you've been playing it slightly wrong as uve gone along..be good and stay cool.

[dreamguy]

mrbubbles,

Why and where did I play it slightly wrong ?

 

And btw, I never treated her like crap. It's true, I wasn't all over her but I never disrespected or insulted her.

 

I'm just starting to get tired of keeping hope that she will come back eventhough I'm moving on with my life. I feel like giving her a phone call and asking her to stop all contact with me in the future (and I'll do the same). I'm just not sure this is the right thing to do at this time. Maybe I'll feel like sh*t and regret my actions later on.

It's really funny how we always give advice to people and yet we never know what to do when it comes to our personal life.

[lost_in_chgo]

Don't call her and tell her anything.

The time to do that, if you must, is when she calls you.

[fishman3226]

I met my ex tonight for dinner and it went great. I am trying very hard not to feel confident about us getting back together.

 

We held each other and she told me that she misses the way I looked after her. She also is going to think about me and her getting some couple counselling to try and resolve what has happened. If it happens it happens, if not... well... I tried.

 

She asked about my family and what has been going on with them and brought up a few things about what she did wrong in the relationship and I told her what I think I stuffed up on.

 

Only problem was when I said that I would like to kiss her if I could - she was really worried that I would - man - I am soooo in love with this girl it hurts. I have to let her lay now so to speak and see what develops.

 

All I tried to do was be the same person I was before and to be completely honest with her. I pointed out that her online profile reminded me of me when I read it. She also said about me and her going to South Africa and meeting up - we are both of the same heritage.

 

She is getting help for depression (and seems much improved - I said I wanted so much to be there for her) and she told me that she is not trying to find anyone new at the moment (which is hugely encouraging.) I told her also that I doubt a friendship would work because I still love her and I could not be around her if I felt these feelings - it would be too painful.

 

I feel kind of bad because I was trying to get a resolution for the relationship in a way but if anything it appears things may be coming around - I actually have someone else in the picture and if the ex wants me back then I dont know what I will do - I dont want to stuff things up with her at all but I dont want to actively hold huge hope so I wont be as disappointed if she changes her mind again.

 

Man, I feel kind of wierd here - like somewhat vindicated I suppose in a way for being right, but also wanting to contact her in a way. I know I should wait and see. I told her as well that I am home by myself each day in the morning if she wants to visit.

 

I suppose in a way it shows the no contact rule does work.

 

Any thoughts what I should do now?

[jw32802]

Ok so wait, you guys have been broken up for how long? And you are with someone new? When did you get with this someone new? after how long? And when did you start to realize your ex is the one you are really in love with? Why are you with this new person if you want your ex bacK?

[fishman3226]

Well... yeah...

 

Long story but let say my ex suffers some mental illness. I keep having her come into my life then move out of it again. She would come over - stay the night then go away with completely different words to her actions - really mucking me around. We split (her doing) in February this year.

 

Anyhow, I met my current gf about April and we were great friends - really supportive. She was there when alot of people gave up and were 'over' my grief about the ex.

 

Anyhow, it came to a point where the ex was difficult to understand with all the mixed messages - I could take it no more. Initially it was a casual thing - my gf also was having similar things with an old flame of hers. I thought to myself 'bugger it, have a go' the gf is a wonDerful person.

 

Only problem is that the gf is also someone who is very clingy and too intense and there is not the chemistry I have with the ex - she attaced herself to me. If was like say 1 year of no ex then I think I could really make it work.

 

The ex contacted me (again recently - and had tried often but I would ignore her but at the insistance of the gf i answered her call one night.) And after chatting thru email (she works in my building) we agreed - with the gf agreeance to catch up.

 

Problem is I still have feelings for the ex - I still am in love with her - if she had not contacted me again I would have thrown myself into this relationship.

 

I know I am going to hurt this girl I am with, but if the ex doesn't come back then I will stay with the gf. She is not the next best thing, but I know once the ex is out of my life I could form something good. Shame of it all is that if I had met with her in six months or more from now I could have something great with the gf.