No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[jw32802]

Fishman and you guys who want your girl back but have other girlfriends, I have a question:

 

I know in the beginning , having a new girlfriend makes you feel better and you're in the newness stage, but when does that wear off, and when did you start to realize you really didn't want this new girl as much as your old girlfriend? I guess what i mean is, when does the "rebound" effect start to wear off, and when do you start looking at the new girl and saying "i dont really want her as much"

[fishman3226]

Me, it happened when the ex started contacting me again - I ignored her for ages - I also had some things about the gf being a bit too full on and intense.

[jw32802]

Ok but when did you start to notice those things? when did you start to notice the little things that annoyed you about the new one and missing the old one?

[lost_in_chgo]

3 months (or so)

 

 

Read this too

[fishman3226]

I would agree with that - mine was about 2 montsh and a bit. And yes I feel like a prick.

[jw32802]

i wonder why 3 months always seems to be the cutoff from what most say

[lost_in_chgo]

read the link I posted above.

 

They say it's hormonal, some say psychological, either way it's wired in.

[Nozmo]

Hi al!l Fish, I just LOVED your use of the 9 Noble Virtues-I plan to read up on that to share with others. It is just too cool!

 

I, too, have only been with a guy for "rebound reasons." The first guy was when the ex I'm trying to get over now broke up with me in high school and a week later I met this guy, who at first I thought was great. But after 3 months, I was getting tired of him and wanted the ex back. Then last year I was mad-crazy in love with this guy who told me very rudely to go away. The very next day I went out with someone and started "dating" him, trying to get over the guy, which that didn't even take 3 months for me to realize was a big mistake.

 

The guy I'm trying to reconcile/get over did that with me. When I first started college, he came to see and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, and me being confused, didn't know what to do but tried to remain friends. Well, he met his rebound two weeks later, got her pregnant, ended up marrying her, having 2 kids, and then getting divorced. So I say to hell with rebound relationships! They have never ever worked for me, although I do know people who fell mad-crazy in love with their rebound, so who knows? I've always ended up hurting my rebound b/c I wasn't over the ex and vice versa.

 

Fishman, I hope talking to your ex will give you the closure you ned to move on or be with the someone you love. But if it doesn't work out, go on with life. My grandfather used to say "don't beat a dead horse" and that is so true. I'm finally listening to that advice, as hard as it it.

 

Dreamguy, you sound like you're playing it cool with your ex, too. I wish I could be like that with my ex. Reading these posts have given me some hope that I will be resiliant like you and stand up for myself. Love is h*ll, ain't it?

[Nozmo]

Let me ask a question: Do guys who are in their early 30s start to think about prioritizing their life? I mean, REALLY start thinking about how their life is going? My ex is in his thirties (I'm in my late twenties) and was just wondering if this is a common thing.

Thanks!

[hurting so bad]

Hmmm, so from what you guys say, they might forget about you for 3 mths and then when they realize this rebound isn't what they thought (and starts to put demands on them) they probably start missing the old relationship.

[Nozmo]

Hurting So Bad, I really believe that. When a person "jumps" into a relationship, trying to get over that person, the resolution of the ex is not real. Sure, at first being with a new person in a new relationship is great-who doesn't like to be with someone-but the feeling are only temporary. Me, I'm not ready to jump back in another relationship with someone just yet, but I am ready to go out and date again-does that make sense? I'm going on a couple of dates, nothing big, but I enjoy talking and meeting other people. But sometimes fate can be a funny thing, too. I could go out with this guy tomorrow night and realize I want to be with him, who knows?

 

In rebound relationships, you face two probable situations: 1. Your new girlfriend/boyfriend is great, but you miss your ex, but don't know how to tell the other person you're unhappy b/c they have been great. 2. You face the possibility of trying to work things out with your ex, but they've moved on to someone else OR they aren't interested in you anymore, so you stay with the new guy/girl to keep from being alone. Tough on everyone, I know! Been on both sides of the fence and it stinks!

 

I hope all the best of luck to you. Please read some of my posts-I kinda tell what all I've done to help me get over this rough patch, and it seems to be working.

Keep me posted on your sitch!

 

Nozmo

[fishman3226]

Nozmo, myslef at the age of nearly 31 have decided to find out what I want - look after me if you will. I have had a failed marriage in my years and only now are starting to understand me. Thats where those virutes come into it for me.

 

It is not that the rebound is not what I want, my gf is a wonderful person - if I ws over my ex I would probably have no problems with her - it is more tht I cannot give to her what she deserves when my heart is focused elsewhere.

 

I dont know about 'forgetting about you for three months' though - I tried to move on when I was not ready is probably the best thing to describe it as.

[Nozmo]

My ex is 31 as well, and had a marriage that failed. I hope that this time of prioritizing his life will be a positive thing for him as well as me. I know we all some time or another have had to reevaluate a situation(s) so that we can make sure this is what we really want/don't want. Maybe I will see him in the near future so that I can share the Noble Virtues with him. I plan on printing it out and saving it where I can refer to it daily.

 

I TOTALLY agree with you on the rebound thing. When I rebounded, it wasn't that I didn't like the guy (sometimes I MADE myself try to like him, but that just made me want to RUN for the hills) but I had this insatiable guilt inside of me. I wanted to give my heart to this one guy, but just couldn't because I felt he needed to be with someone who could give him all the things he deserved, and at the time I just couldn't do it.

 

It is something about that 3-month deal for me when it comes to dating on the "bound." I agree with others, it must be instinct.

 

Let me ask you this, Fish, do you think in a couple of weeks I should give him an ultimatum? Like you said, ask him to either s**t or get off the pot! I was originally going to give him nearly 2 months more of deciding to get his act togehter, but I can't.

 

I'm tired, tired, tired of crying over him, thinking about what's going to happen, etc. I am trying to move on but can't because I feel my ex has left me in "limbo." Shout back at me and let me know something, OK?

 

I really do hope you find true love with this girl. Sounds like you are trying, and that's all we can do is to do our very best.

 

Peace, Nozmo

[fishman3226]

As an update, I had the 'final' conversation with my ex today - I basically laid it out - yes or no.

 

She ummed and ahhed and said yes then no and then but. I said outright 'tell me now or let me go.'

 

She cried and wailed but could not decide. Ultimately I did for her. I have completed ended it - no more contact at all. I am not going to have her in my life anymore. She is history from now on.

 

I still love her and I will grieve, but I have finally resolved this question in my heart. She dont want - well she says she does not but still she gave me no concrete reasons - so she lost her chance. I got to look after me first.

 

Guys, it comes down to this - why try when they go? Once it is over grieve then move on aiming to learn and better yourself in the process. Dont waste your time - you only are on the planet a limited time - by learning about yourself.

 

I wasted 6 months of my life on this woman who hurt me badly and lied to herself to justify her decision. She will never change and is not a good person. My feelings were never taken into consideration at any stage. I dont hate her, but it is final.

 

I will work out who I am and what I want in a woman then seek to find it - I know she will one day regret her decision but it is too late now.

 

I thank everyone who gave me advise and hope you all find what you seek.

[Nozmo]

Fishman, sounds like to me you did the right thing. I plan on doing the same thing in a couple of weeks. I've kinda/sorta already started the grieving process, because if I think even remotely that there's hope of us getting back together, I'll be even more depressed than anything!

 

The grieving process is so hard to overcome, but with time you will. BE TRUE TO YOUR WORD! Stick by what you said. You sound tired of the mess just like me. My ex puts his lifestyle as top priority, and if he can't put me or his children first in front of his lifestyle, then it's not worth it for me to be with him. Don't sell yourself short!

 

Keep me posted on your situation and be strong!

 

Nozmo

[lost_in_chgo]

Fish,

 

So....your dumping us?

[rd1978]

well guys i tried something a little different,, i have done no contact for about 13 weeks,, i havent contacted her 1 single time since we broke up,, she has contacted me prob 50 times in three months betewwn instant messanger and the phone calls,, while dating someone else,, { i knew it} but she must think im stupid and didnt realize,,, she has been starting to try and ask me to han gout and from the stuff she was saying she esounded pretty interested...... i mean she kept saying how ugly certain girl are and kept askign what ive been up to etc.etc. we had 5 years invested..... now i didnt give my all,, i didnt show her my feelings,, i didnt give her the time she needed i made her jelious,, from having so many other girl-friends.....

 

so last night i was to the point i need to know what her deal is,,, she was getting all pissy about something so i straight out said {do you love me?} and it went to i dont know,, and she asked me and i said yes,, basically i said everything she wanteed to hear for 1 time in my life instead of being a stubborn immature person,,,,, i didnt beg or ask for her back or anything like that ,, i just told her how i felt,,,{ it kinda felt like i was shooting myself in the foot} But it needed to be done because now i realize i DONT NEED HER IN MY LIFE ,, but would like to have her in my life,,, she was truly amazed at how i put my wall down and was honest with my feelings for 1 time in my life.... then she asked ,,, if i was drunk!! haha

 

there is still something there other wise she wouldnt be calling me so much and asking me so many questions ,, and getting mad aboutt higns she should not get mad about,,, i know i made a sh*t load of progress and if it werent for the fact that her sister is getting married within the next couple of weeks and id like to be in the wedding i prob wouldnt have done this because i was semi content with the way things were,, and i was playin the game real good..... { i HATE games by the way} but sometimes thats what makes you realize

 

if everthing was the way it should have been i would have played no contact untill she came knocking and if she didnt then oh well,,,, basically the main reason i did this was because her sister is getting married withing the next couple of weeks and i would have liked to go to the wedding with her,,,, so i wanted her to know how i felt,,, plus she has been trying to ask me to hang out and stuff,, so i had to put it on the table,,,,,

i def think she thaught i wanted nothign to do with her,,,,, and if her head gets big and she starts acting like an asshol* from this then ,,,,, i will have nothing to do with her and i will call her skinny ass lanky man and tell him that she calls me and writes me all the time and i havent called her once..... ANY SUGGESTIONS TO ANY OF THIS ill keep you guys posted

[junegloom]

That is SO awesome what you did!!

 

Please don't forget to tell us what happens!!

 

She must have replied "I don't know" because it's all such a shock.

 

Looking forward to hearing more..!

[fishman3226]

Nah mate, I aint running away...

 

LOL.. I kind of think that me pushing made her run - but you know, i feel bittersweet but it comes down to it 'why should I as a human being be a slave to the emotional burden placed upon me by a emotional leech who cannot stand upon her own two feet?'

 

I love this girl and I will grieve, but I dont need her.

 

GUYS, no matter what, you need to basically come to the point where you must realise that you MUST LOOK AFTER YOU. If they dont want what you offer, well.. f**k em. You dont deserve the hurt and pain. I will struggle until the day I meet my God to understand how wanting to love someone is a crime. If they are that willing to hurt you then they do not have the honour nor the courage to respect your feelings enough to either a. come back or b. set you free to grieve and then achieve a relationship where you can love someone that RESPECTS AND HONOURS YOU.

 

I am lucky because I spoke to my gf (the other woman in this saga) and I honestly told her what happened. She basically said that she understands (having been there herself) and is willing to give me the opportunity to sort myself out whilst being there for me. She could have run away - but respects and honours me to do that, knowing damn well I could have gone back to the ex.

 

And you know what? I dont think going back to the ex would have made my life better. No bitterness, just reality. I will wonder 'what if?' but I know she will too one day. Maybe I will get back with her one day, but what will be will be. She says she wants to keep in touch - but I dont know if I will. I do care that she is happy in life, but it is not my problem if she is or not.

 

I offered love, support and respect. I got confused love (for I know she does love me,) and disrespect for my feelings.

[crazydawg]

Well said, we are here for you. Believe they do realize what they lost. Its a cycle

[jw32802]

Hey does anyone know the cycle of a breakup...meaning, like the first so many weeks, are filled with feelings of ______ and then the next few are _______ etc....Like , when do the negative feelings start to disappear, and when is our mind filled with the positive? For us AND for the ex? When do you think the ex starts to think about you in posistive ways (after NO CONTACT)

[crazydawg]

umm i didn't see much where your getting at but, people are different usually when they break up on you they have something against you something that gives them the excuse and power necessary for them to move on. If you prove them other wise then only then they start to think about the good times. For me i was a very faithfull guy and never talked to anyone. My ex broke up with me and got back with her ex the very same week (how wonderfull) so i went out and a couple of her friends saw me with other girls. She later told my sister online that she was kinda jealous and amazed how quickly i'm progressing. You see now only does she start to wonder what if. If you make it seem that your getting by without her she starts to wonder if you even ever cared about her. Its all about being a challenge and furfulling curiosty. If she calls me ever i'm positive she's gonna ask about me and my relationships. I'm just gonna throw her a hint and stfu. Best thing todo is get them in and makem wonder.. Be nice but dont show feelings and if you do. Joke about it, you can get away with anything while saying J/K right after it nowadays. WOMEN DO NOT WANT NEEDY MEN, Don't ever show your weak they'll use it against you. In reality no matter what she or her friends we'll be against you. If you move on your a jerk and if you beg your a pathetic dog. There's really no winning, I'ma just try and be the jerki

[lost_in_chgo]

The formula is 2A+3B^2+C/4+D=T

Where T is the total number of days.

[jw32802]

lost in chicago

 

i didnt really get that, was that just sarcasm lol

[meanttolive4ever]

Originally posted by jw32802

Hey does anyone know the cycle of a breakup...meaning, like the first so many weeks, are filled with feelings of ______ and then the next few are _______ etc....Like , when do the negative feelings start to disappear, and when is our mind filled with the positive? For us AND for the ex? When do you think the ex starts to think about you in posistive ways (after NO CONTACT)

 

i think i know what ur talking about..like the first stage you go thru is sadness and guilt then the 2nd stage is denial and the 3rd stage is anger..is that right?