No contact rule does work - Ex has called

[Kate]

yes, this really is the only way. my ex told me last week that he wanted to work things out, but still needed time and space. i was clogging his view on our relationship with my presence. although i had GREAT times with my ex this last month after brief NC and space, it was still ME contacting HIM. i DO think he was coming around...but i wasn't patient enough, because i shouldn't HAVE to wait for him. why are we waiting for these people? we are only enabling them to string us along. they are the evil, they are not the devil, but they are human and don't want something they THINK they can have.

 

last tuesday i sent my ex the final message: i cancelled a trip I planned for us this weekend and sent him a text telling him. at first, he was suprised and a little scared, i think -- he knew i had just come back from a weekend trip with "friends", and didn't even ask who i was with because i think he was afraid it was another guy. then we both agreed that we would do the trip another time, he felt bad that he hadn't planned it himself. i purposely pointed that out -- and told him that i think we should only go on a trip that HE plans because HE needed the time and space. he agreed. then that afternoon i sent him a text saying the trip was officially cancelled. he wrote "O well, we'll try another weekend". i wrote back, "I don't think so. i have given my all. i no longer want to pursue anything further with us." that was it -- i broke it off with HIM for good, and that felt good.

 

the point is, the first time he said he needed a break, i left him alone...and he contacted me 5 days later. i know he was scared....then i caved in and we talked about how he just needs time/space. really, he just wanted to know i was still "there"!!! and i was!!! but then i wanted to see him more and more...we talked once a week, then twice a week, and things were GREAT. they were getting great...and he told me that he wanted to work things out last week. that was right before i planned our weekend getaway trip, and also right before i went to the city with a guy i used to date -- and my whole perception changed.

 

SO, the point i am trying to make is that you can analyze your situation to death. at this point, all that matters is that you don't contact them. i have already felt that my NC period had gone long enough, then i ruined it by contacting, having false hope. i just made matters worse for me, better for him. he was getting his cake and eating it. but it DID do SOME good in the sense that he never said he wanted a break for good....well, he already broke my heart, and i'm not going to wait idle anymore

 

NC is really the ony way, a long time with NC depends on the situation. the longest i have gone is 10 days -- i plan on doing it forever now for many reasons. but i think the timefame IS 6-8 weeks before they reallllly feel you are gone. think about all the time you WERE there and DID want them. they have to remember that, then regret the fact you are gone. they will be confused when you no longer vie for their attention and time.

[jw32802]

so kate, you havent contacted him since you called it off? has he called?

[Kate]

no he hasn't called and i don't expect him to do so for another month. i just think that we have been through a lot in the last month, trying to decide if he wants to work things out, etc. -- which he said he did, but then i realized i am worth so much more than this. so i firmly called it off for good last week, but i DID contact him with 2 drunk texts friday night. but i didn't say "let's go back together...". if anything, it just confused him.

 

i think he needs to go through a few more weekends, a few more crappy girls (flirting or whatever) and too much of the same old/same old before he can assess what he lost. in the beginning, after he intially said he needed space, he was freaking out after just 5 days. but then i was stupid and thought we could get back together and i kept contacting him once a week. like i said, although things seemed GREAT, it was still damaging to my self-esteem and self-image that i could "wait" for him. HE SHOULD BE WAITING FOR ME!! I AM A WOMAN, NOT A PET!! so i hope this throws him off and makes him feel responsible for his initial actions/lack of proactiveness. there is a lot more that goes into my situation, and reasons i don't expect him to contact me.

 

thankfully, we had had a GREAT time this last month. but why was I waiting for HIM? why could i let someone tell ME when they want to see me? if he can't take the heat, he needs to get out of the kitchen -- the heat here being "effort" of any kind in a relationship. bottom line here with my ex specifically is that he is very lazy -- in life in general...all talk, little action. he SEEMS together...but i don't think he is. so, the turning point for him will be when he realizes that i am WORTH the effort, instead of skating through his life with no obligations. the guy loves me very much, but needs to learn. i am removing myself from his life and face. i dont know what will happen. but he has not contacted me at all. i suspect that when the "glitz and glamour" of his new "time and space" fades, and he wants a date, wants to watch movies with someone, and is sick of talking to stupid girls he doesn't like, he will contact me. i give it a month, and will update here!! oh--- most importantly, he is moving out of his house in 2 weeks. there is no WAY i expect to hear from him before that. but, i do expect to hear from him after that...i think that that change will induce a feeling in him. he will want me included in his life. all of these things just need to transition. if you think about where your ex is at in their lives, that should help you in understanding when they will contact you. my ex is going through a lot of change, and it just doesn't seem likely i will hear from him until the very end of the summer. at that point i will hopefully be dating this other guy who i think is perfect for me and lives an hour away...

[jw32802]

You said "when he starts to go thru these stupid girls". Do you also find that girls out there are annoying and just not that great? I mean, i find it hard to find a good girl FRIEND because i just cant stand girls, so i feel like once our guys see what kind of girls are out there they will probably realize we are the best. alot of guys tell me that they date a girl and then realize they just cant be around them anymore. i wonder why

[Kate]

listen girl, i will boast here -- i am the best catch all around. i do not think for ONE second -- i would place allllllllllllllll that i have on this statement: i do not think for one second he can ever ever ever ever find anything that compares to me. i KNOW he will not. for me, that's not even a question, but that's also why this has been confusing to me because he "passed me up" so to speak. but, he is lazy...maybe too lazy...why do i want a lazy guy? so, a long time with no contact is all relative to what they also DON'T find out there. if you are the BEST girl...and I know i AM, that period of no contact will diminish. i have men chasing me left and right -- he is not as lucky, and he knows it. sooner or later this reality sets in for them and they panic. the things that seem soooo important now -- their space and freedom and whatever else -- do not become so important later on. a real man will fight for what he wants. i don't know if my ex is a real man though.

[jw32802]

I feel the same way. i think im better too, heres my story....(you dont have to read though if youd ont want)

 

You really think they compare? The thing is, I know im better than my ex's new girl. I broke up with HIM because he was acting distant and drinking too much. I thought "hmm if i break up with him, he will change" but stupid me still answered his calls, etc.

 

Well in the meantime i dated some guy and he knew it so he dated some girl for 3 mths now and its killing me. Im mad because he didnt even try to change. maybe cuz i was always around to answer his calls. finally 2 weeks ago i changed my cell number. I haevnt heard from him in 2 weeks. (im wrong, actually 5 days after i changed my number, he emailed me with "Bye, luck"...) Anyway i havent answered that and i havent emailed or called.

 

I know i was the best girl though. We would sit up every friday and sat night at the kitchen table and talk until 6am; we talked about EVERYTHING, whether it would be politics, religion, things on tv, whos hot, etc. we were very very close like that, Id say "oh vince vaughn is so cute" and hed say "oh denise richards is hot" I just was one of those girls who wasn't jealous like that. I even bought him playboy subscription, and he barely even looked at it. he kept saying "you're the coolest girlfriend, barely any girl would do this!" We would talk about our fantasies and talk about playing them out, etc. We just were so open about things. He told me that is what he loved about me, was that we could talk about ANYTHING and he said "you arent real, you are too good to be true, most girls just complain about things like this". I just wasn't a "bitc*y girl like a lot of girls can be about certain thigns. I am very easy to get along with, i dont get offended easily, i laugh about everything that most people would get offended about, i can laugh at myself etc. he told me thats a hard find. He told me i was the best sex in the WORLD because i am so small down there and i also love talking dirty w/ him and talking out his fantasies, I NEVER turned him down for sex in the 2 yrs we were together, i just always believed in giving it to him when he wanted it, even if i didnt want it, because i know if i wanted a kiss or a hug, id want him to give it to me even if he didnt feel like it at that moment. He could wake me in the middle of the night and try to have sex with me and id do it and usually within 2 minutes i was turned on and into it. he said he loved the fact that i was never like "uhh not now. " i just never did that. i always wanted him, ya know? I even did the "butt" sex for him lol; I gave him erotic pictures of me, I did a strip tease dance for him a few times. I just thought i was a great girlfriend.

 

We would get into really fun debates about politics and it was so much fun and he would say "wow you are very smart" and it was just fun! He has a lot of money and i never cared about it, i would always offer to pay once in awhile....I would always remember to bring things to his house that i knew he was out of. When other girls would buy him clothes for gifts, i would remember certain things he mentioned MONTHS ago and would buy it, like a physics guy he liked, i bought a book about him and he was like "OMG, no girl would remember this or buy this".

 

But i think he had a problem because he was soo smart (like genius type) and he pulled away once in awhile. he swore he still loved me and that something was wrong in his brain or something. anyway he wouldn't get help and started drinking and what happened was that he would call me when he was drinking and POUR HIS HEART OUT to me, and then the next day he would be distant again. I told him i just couldnt take it anymore

 

I broke it off in march but we still talked because i felt guilty when he'd text or call and id always answer and talk. either we'd fight or we'd talk and then it would start all over. i told him i was dating again and to leave me alone

 

Well because of that he started dating this girl and i now find out they've been dating for 3 months but he still texted me with this about 3 weeks ago

"I have been thinking about you all day. God i miss u". stupid me always gives in and tells him i miss him too but nothing gets solved and he still is seeing this girl.

 

Anyway long story short, i find out hes been taking her away and she met his familly and she even told me they were "in love and getting married' . I was in shock! he acts like he loves me still.

 

anyway, its been 2 weeks since i found taht out and changed my number and havent heard. I just wonder if he does compare all those things. He is 29 and she is 32 and she said that its been so long since she has found someone and she thought he was the one.

 

DO you know that all that goes through my head are these thoughts:

 

Is he realizing that he loves this girl?

Does she do things better than me?

Is she prettier than me?

Do they debate like we used to about fun topics?

Do they sit up and talk like we did?

Is she as easy to get along with?

What if her personality is better than mine?

is she better at sex than me?

Is he in love with her

Most of all, i just want to know, when she does certain things, does he say "I wish jen was here cuz she is more this or that".

do you really think they compare?

He used to tell me he would die if he knew i did those sexual things with someone other than him, but it feels like now he doesnt even think about that? that i could be! or maybe 2 weeks isnt long enough.

 

And its amazing cuz in my heart i KNOW i am the best girl he will ever get! But since i know he is seeing someone now, all that goes through my head is "he must like her better than me, or else he'd be with me trying to get me back". they ve been dating for 3 mths and he even texted me though once a month ago saying "I wont be seeing that freak anymore". why would he say that but hes still w/ her? I do think hes probably with her as a diversion but they go away and everything, uhhh..

 

Its been 2 weeks so maybe he hasn't felt the depth of it yet. But all i think is "He doesnt think about me EVER!" It just hurts that he didnt love me enough to say "Damn it jen, i love you and i will change all those things to be with you!"

 

i REALLY FEEL LIKE that. i feel like "he must not think of me".

 

I know i am the best girl, just like you; i think most girls out there are just not as good as us, right~!!!

[jw32802]

also, what are all your good qualities that make you better than another girl he might find???

[Kate]

i can't think of one thing that someone else would be better at or do better. period.

 

i think the point is, i'm moving on with my life and i probably won't be there when he comes back...maybe he won't come back, but that's not why i'm doing/not doing things. i'm doing everything for myself here -- not for him. before, i was trying to do the time and space thing -- but when it didn't work out for ME, i stopped and broke it off with him...

 

you have to stop wondering (though it's so hard, i do it daily) when they will call or come around. i have stopped placing my self-worth as best i can on his actions. they don't make sense to me anyway. i don't think they have anything to do with me. i just gave him too much, he didn't appreciate me enough, someone else surely will.

[miggsbucks]

The best way I think to deal with being the dumpee (yes i am there myself right now, but will hurt me to explain the story), if you have hopes of getting them back, is to realise that the dumper is unaware of how much hurt they have caused. Leave the dumper in the dark about it.

 

Lost in chicago is probably of this opinion, as he pointed out that bringing closure by sending them a "goodbye" email, letter, text etc is pointless. And it is.

 

It seems to me that this thread was started by Dreamguy, who had this plan of no contact and saying that it works. But it hasn't worked for him yet has it. And really, Dreamguy hasn't actually done the no-contact thing, because he walks past her each week at the swimmimg pool. I was all excited when I first saw this thread, thinking it was about a dumpee actually getting their ex back for good. But it isn't, cos everyone on here is just in limbo, living in hope (like me).

 

The key issue seems to be how to deal with contact from the person who dumped you, while you don't ever initiate contact with them. And while also trying to move on. It is hard to move on if they keep in touch. But you have to ask yourself, do i really want to never hear from this person again, so that I can move on.

 

The key is to find a plan that you can follow which will do these things:-

 

1. Not initiate contact with your dumper

2. Be able to handle contact from them

 

Number one gets easier as time goes by, but number 2 happens, and number 1 gets harder again. Its like a cycle.

 

Some dumpees going through this cycle will only be able to break it by bringing closure to the whole thing by sending them the goodbye message which Lost in Chicago thinks is pointless, and so do i.

 

The best way to deal with it all is to learn how to just stop thinking about them. It will be much easier to do this if you just find somebody else to be with. But this is the rebound situation, and you could end up hurting the new person you're with.

 

But the harsh reality is that you may have to do this. We, as dumpees are all acutely aware of the pain, and wouldn't wish this upon anyone else. So we are scared to find someone else because we don't want to dump them, and let them suffer the pain that we have endured.

 

The best way to look at it is to not think about it when finding someone else, and just enjoy being with them for whatever it is. We all need to make ourselves number one priority - just like your dumper has done.

 

Don't bring closure to your dumper, and don't reveal the hurt that they have caused. Just be careful with your heart when dealing with any contact that they make with you. Try to move on without feeling the need for this closure, because once you do that, you know its dead and buried - and may be even harder to deal with than the cycle mentioned above.

[Scorpion1691]

your story is so true. I have read a 105 page book that explains how all this works. It's great ,you do have to be strong in the process. I like the statement at the bottom about complimenting the not so good looking. I dated a model, a couple of cheerleaders and now married to a very sexy blond. They all cheated on me while I was dating them and married to them. I know I am shallow but I talk too and help anybody and everybody. I give my all to who ever I am with. Meaning work. The not so good looking to be have been the nicest people to be around.

[jw32802]

Lol its funny cuz my ex boyfriend was with ALL model type girls before me and my ex is gorgeous. When we first starting dating i got the impression that he was so used to dating models that he didnt know if i was right for him. But he said he couldnt help but fall in love with me (im pretty but im not complete model type, i have a good body though, but i dont have the model face like all the girls he dated). Anyway, he seemed like sometimes he was afraid what his friends would think, but his friends LOVEDme more than these other girls. I have a great personality and im so easy to get along with and i am fun. but i guess when you are so used to people expecting you to date a model, he didnt know what to do with me. And he fell in love w/ me. He was like "you are nothing like those other girls, they only wanted money, they had a horrible personality, they were jealous all the time, they talked about stupid things like makeup and nails all day". He said "i can talk to you all hours of the night and love it". But in the end i broke it off due to a lot of issues he had and now he is dating a pretty girl again. (although i have a body 100x better). except she has big boobs, but i have an awesome stomach and butt lol and legs, which was his favorite body parts! lol anyway it hurts to see him w/ this new girl who is so pretty but it is nice to hear a guy on here say that the "ok girls" are much better to be around

[Scorpion1691]

JW sorry I did not see your reply untill I went to my yahoo. There are alot of woman that think they must be 5' 10" 90 pounds wearing thongs to look good. I have seen some very cute and I say cute girls not in a demeaning way apposed to model type as more too look at. I was the type to watch the sand particales when I walked down the street with my wife. She use to get on me about looking at the bill boards on the highway. I lost all my friends by moving and working 2 jobs all for a very nice , sexy lady. Not anymore. I will look at a sexy woman and they can be 5'2" and 150 pounds it all has to do how a person takes care of them self. I am still stand offish when it comes to approaching woman but I am slowly changing. Ok woman need to understand they are being looked at also. I know I am. I hate womans minds but I like to talk to them too see what I need to do and I will always enjoy the curves. Thanks for your return.

[jw32802]

scorpion

 

Lol see i never got mad when my ex looked at girls. Actually ii had fun with it, I would point them out.

 

We would sit up every friday and sat night at the kitchen table and talk until 6am; we talked about EVERYTHING, whether it would be politics, religion, things on tv, whos hot, etc. we were very very close like that, Id say "oh vince vaughn is so cute" and hed say "oh denise richards is hot" I just was one of those girls who wasn't jealous like that. I even bought him playboy subscription, and he barely even looked at it. he kept saying "you're the coolest girlfriend, barely any girl would do this!" We would talk about our fantasies and talk about playing them out, etc. We just were so open about things. He told me that is what he loved about me, was that we could talk about ANYTHING and he said "you arent real, you are too good to be true, most girls just complain about things like this". I just wasn't a "bitc*y girl like a lot of girls can be about certain thigns. I am very easy to get along with, i dont get offended easily, i laugh about everything that most people would get offended about, i can laugh at myself etc. he told me thats a hard find. He told me i was the best sex in the WORLD because i am so small down there and i also love talking dirty w/ him and talking out his fantasies, I NEVER turned him down for sex in the 2 yrs we were together, i just always believed in giving it to him when he wanted it, even if i didnt want it, because i know if i wanted a kiss or a hug, id want him to give it to me even if he didnt feel like it at that moment. He could wake me in the middle of the night and try to have sex with me and id do it and usually within 2 minutes i was turned on and into it. he said he loved the fact that i was never like "uhh not now. " i just never did that. i always wanted him, ya know? I even did the "butt" sex for him lol; I gave him erotic pictures of me, I did a strip tease dance for him a few times. I just thought i was a great girlfriend.

 

We would get into really fun debates about politics and it was so much fun and he would say "wow you are very smart" and it was just fun! He has a lot of money and i never cared about it, i would always offer to pay once in awhile....I would always remember to bring things to his house that i knew he was out of. When other girls would buy him clothes for gifts, i would remember certain things he mentioned MONTHS ago and would buy it, like a physics guy he liked, i bought a book about him and he was like "OMG, no girl would remember this or buy this".

 

I just didnt get mad about things like most girls too. I dont know, maybe a lot of girls are like that

[jw32802]

scorpion

 

whats that 105 page book you are talking about

[Nozmo]

I guess I am lucky. When my ex left a little over a month ago, he has made NO ATTEMPT to call me/see me. It has been my dumb self trying to talk to him/see him! I agree with one of the replies: when you're in their face all the time, you cloud up their judgment, so laying low is a good thing to do.

 

I have been in prior situations where the guy would break up with me, tell me it was over, but then would still call/visit b/c he wanted to remain friends. THE ONLY REASON EXES WANT TO HANG ON TO YOU IS BECAUSE OF S-E-X! AND, they aren't happy with being with you, so the exes feel they have to go look for someone better, but in case they can't do better, they try to string you along and keep you in limbo so that you will be there for them when they realize they can't do any better. (I'm speaking from past experiences-this may not be true for everyone.)

 

Standing up for yourself is hard, but DO IT! I haven't had the chance to do so, and I have no plans of hunting my ex down to do this, but one day he'll come around and I will have the self-confidence and power to tell him it's over. He said he needs space to get his priorities straight, but from what I've heard all he's doing is drinking and doing tons of drugs-who wants to be with an addict?

 

STAY TRUE TO YOUR WORD! If you mean "WE'RE OVER" then stick by it. If you don't your ex will continue to walk all over you, and people will do so as long as YOU let them.

 

Remember: No man/woman is worth your tears, and the ones that are won't make you cry.

[Nozmo]

Scorpion, I liked what you said about "normal" girls. Too funny!!!

 

While I admit I used to be pretty, I have gained quite a bit of weight, but am working on getting it off with proper diet and exercise. Hopefully when I am leading a healthier lifestyle I will feel better about myself, my sunny disposition wil stay the same, and I will ENJOY going out and meeting others of the opposite sex!

 

Give me the name of the book you just read (the one with 105 pages.) I would love to read it!

 

Nozmo

[Scorpion1691]

Hi Jw. I finished a long responce then I found out I was not logged in and lost it.

 

I know I will not find the same words. You are unbeleivable. I dated a girl, I guess it was the wrong timing, she and I dated for 3.5 years. She was a nympho. But it all ended at a New Years party when I found her cuddled up with another guy when midnight hit. Oh well . Guess that why Iam here. You are the perfect friend and lover. If all people could talk openly like you do. I have a friend I talk like that with online. She and I will stay up to 2 in the morning talking. She has a boy friend now but we still talk and she gives me Cr#!p when I am not online. I don't at home because of my nice lovely cheating wife who thinks wearing a wedding ring is demeaning to her as a female. I guess my friend the coach who she had been seeing for 2 years did not like her wearing it. OH well Again. My first wife who left for her job 2800 miles away with my son , because my job as a fire fighter was too demeaning for her family. She use to buy me Playboy magazines also. You know I rarely read them either that meant the picturesalso, LOL. I find it actually just hurts me because I can't have what I am looking at. I can dream , oh how I can dream but it would be like looking at a porno movie at the fire house and be stuck here for 24 hours. Not Good. I like talking to you, I can see why you had long conversations with your boy friend. I so far can't see why he would leave. You are very open and nice, SO FAR. JK.

[Scorpion1691]

Nozmo and JW the book is called how to stop your divorce. I have been like some of the others, on edge waiting to see if my wife will find a gleem in her eye for me again. I never lost it for her. I just ran into a hugr brick wall when I found a letter for her from another guy talking how much they loved each other. So I looked hard for answers and found this book. I don't have it with me so I cant remember the autor. I got it on the interenet paid for it and down loaded it. It is a very good book and helped me keep my witts. You could play bad head game swith this book but not my purpose. As for your extra weight you need to want to loos ethe weight for your self not for some one else. It's atraining of food diet and excersize. Excuse my spelling. Read Carbohydrate Addict by Dr. Heller. Very good book. All you need to ynderstand is balance you meals, no processed food, Lots of water and salad. Balnced meal means I/3 Carb, 1/3 Protein, 1/3 vegetable like Aspparagrass or Brussles. Give a bout 3 weeks you will feel weak for about that much time. The book is friendly and works try it you will be turning more heads than you want in no time, Not to say your not already, Take Care

[jw32802]

Well scorpion i think you just made my whole entire day. I was feeling a little sad and you made my day. We broke up because he was becoming distant and drinking and i told him he had to get therapy and i broke it off . I thought he would change and come back to me but he ended up dating some new girl. It hurts cuz i think

"is this girl much better than me?" but then i think "I know girls, and theres no way he talks to her like we talked"

 

Oh well. yeah i never got mad about the porn thing or the playboy thing. I remember once i was home and he was at his condo and i called because there was some swimsuit thing on tv and i was like "Honey, pick up the phone, turn on channel ___" . He was like "you're a weird girlfriend , what girl does that?" I just never got upset abuot that stuff.

 

Im sorry abuot that girl who cheated. thats a horrible feeling.

 

Oh i HATE feminists. You said your wife was a feminist. I hate that. Im the type of girl who believes that certain things are for men and others are for women. I even used to get up and get my man beer when he was finished with it, and he would just be in awe , but i often thought that maybe he thought that i felt like i was inferior or something and it wasnt that at all. I just was being a girlfriend, ya know? women always want their man to hold the doors, pay for dinner, do nice things, but once a guy asks a girl to get him a beer, the woman gets all like "im not your slave". i hate that

 

So many women say that theyve got it so bad and that men have it all, and in MY EYES, women have got it all. A woman can get any guy to help her do anything, can get bumped up in a line , etc. I was in a hardware store, and it was me at the back and a bunch of guys and they all said "go ahead maam" and let me first. Girls have it good in this world .....they just dont see it!

[Nozmo]

Thanks Scorpion for the advice. I will try to find that book and read it SOON!

 

JW, you and I are a lot alike. I too did not feel threatened by my ex looking at other women. I figured if he saw I was cool with it he wouldn't feel so obligated to cheat.

 

Well, let me give you an update. My ex's mom called upset b/c she has not heard from him in over a month. As a favor to his mom, who has been nothing but good to me, I told her I would try to contact the ex and tell him she was wanting to talk. So I got the number to where he was staying and tried to call, and when I did whoever answered the phone just blew me off, like he didn't know who I was or who I was looking for. Then I tried to phone his friend so that his friend would tell him (I was determined NOT to speak to him), and whoever answered THAT phone was a complete jerk to me! So, I am through with him. You know, you just get to a point where enough is enough and I have had my fill!

 

My ex wants to live this partying lifestyle, and that is fine. But I am moving on. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to take their crap. I am through with him and moving on. There's a Bible verse that something like if someone is with you then they're for you, but if they choose NOT to be with you, then they're against you. Very, very true indeed.

 

Scorpion, you are a better person than me to stay with someone who has cheated on you. That says a lot about who you are as a person. I hope things work out for you, and for JW as well. We ALL deserve somebody who thinks we are wonderful and WANTS to be with us as WE are. I may not meet my Prince Charming tomorrow, in a month, year, whatever, but I have realized there's a lot of work I need to do on myself. When I start taking care of me, and getting MY priorities straight, I will be better off in the long run.

 

You guys take care!

 

Noz

[fishman3226]

Nah guys, I am still here - spent the weekend in bed (by myself, I was crook.)

 

Guys, I read some of these posts and whince. I am out the other side here, so I am a touch biased but it comes to this:

 

LOOK AFTER YOU.

 

I hate to say it but if they leave, then it is over. You come crawling to them and allow them to treat you like an emotional whipping post and you gain nothing but lose your self respect.

 

I know it aint easy (and hell I did it) but basically in my own opinion, if they leave from now on it is over.

 

If they come back then you basically say "what are you here for? I want you back, either take me back or leave. If you need some time to think about it then you can have until the 'Xth' then I move on with my life, meaning no more contact from you. I love you, that is my only motive."

 

If they dont decide by the date you specifiy, grieve and then move on.

 

I know it aint easy, but hell, we are all intelligent adults, all have our dreams and desires - i was thinking like this too just reccently - I survived 28 years of my life with the ex and I will survive 28 more. She will realise it, I dont know why nor when, but she will one day realise what I offered her was a good thing.

 

Hell, already she is trying to come over to my place - I intentionally am as cold as I can be - she had her chance.

 

I still love this girl, but I am at the doors of wanting her gone - I am a better person in my humble opinion because I am prepared to care for her and not use her up.

 

I know i wont ever hold her again nor kiss her nor make love to her - and deep witihin me I hope to one day have the chance - but I know it is over - but maybe I will. Though in the short term I will try to live MY life the best I can be. Thats all that matters - maybe around the next bend is the person who I am really supposed to spend my life with.

[dreamguy]

fishman,

 

I have basically called my ex on Saturday and asked her not to contact me anymore since we both still have feelings for each other and I cannot be her friend.

She said "You know, ever since I left you I keep on thinking that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I broke up with you."

I said "That's because you never trusted my words when you should have."

Then the next day, I bumped into her on the beach and she couldn't help but saying "HI".

Can you believe it ?? I told her NO CONTACT and she still says HI ! It's amazing how far a person would go when they have regrets of having wronged you in the past. It consumes them !

Like you, I don't know if she'll ever call. Perhaps in 1 or 2 months. I just cannot go on living like this with myself being "an emotional whipping post" as you say.

If she does call, I think I'll say the exact same thing you would "what are you here for? I want you back, either take me back or leave. If you need some time to think about it then you can have until the 'Xth' then I move on with my life, meaning no more contact from you. I love you, that is my only motive".

You're saying it's not easy ? Of course it's not ! I just cut all contact with her when I could have kept on accepting her calls and calling her every week. It would have been nicer but something in me said NO ! She's stringing you along until she gets over you when enough time has passed without having to go through feelings of guilt for having broken up with you. I'm not giving her that ! I want her to go through that regret and guilt feeling every second and she already is.

[Nozmo]

Hey Fish and Dreamguy!

 

See what happens when you get control of YOU and your actions and stand up for yourself? You flat out told your exes to leave you alone because you are moving on to better things, and now they are trying their darndest to get you back. It's funny how "THE GAME" works in your favor, when you finally figure out how to play!

 

Last night I made the decision to let my ex go, and though I thought when I woke up this morning that my mind would change, it hasn't. I even went to the pawn shop and hocked all the jewelry he gave me. I didn't care how much it was worth, I just wanted it gone. I plan on spending the money on a good time, so I can party off his a** one more time!!!

 

All of my friends have been great through all of this-they are the ones who keep telling me I can do better. Right now I am looking forward to doing things for ME, to make myself a better person, and it sounds like you guys have done the same thing. KUDOS to you!

 

Nozmo

[fishman3226]

I suppose more it comes down to the realisation I dont really need ANYONE in my life (in the sense of a woman) as to be honest (and I dont intend to be arrognt) I can pick up a woman and I know how to entertain me..

 

It would be nice and hell, I could end up with four or five other girlfriends before i meet my God, but I was born alone and i will die alone too.

 

My ex will find someone else, and will realise she stuffed up bad. Her loss. I aint her keeper. She wants to keep on touch but I odnt think I will, I want to get beyond her ( though I know I already am to be honest) so I can have a life filfilled.

 

I do still love her, but that will pass. I have to be in contact until all is finalised (and very limited contact) in relation to her furniture that she left behind (and she is coincidentially going to dump with her father - sponging off him instead... man she is a leech) and the lease we signed.

 

(As a sidenote: When she left she asked that I leave the place I am in now - so she could have a 'home.' I pointed out I want to give that to her but she fobbed it off. Now she expects me to cover up her breaking the lease on her behalf so she can cover her own ass... not likely. So I am supposed to cop her emotional rubbish for six months then help her more? Dont think so.)

 

Once that is done well she can get stuffed. Basically. I asked her to find alternate employment which she plans to do in 2006 she tells me!! So I will still see her (at her whim) until then... AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!

 

But she will realise one day.

[beautiful]

Shellen.....I absolutely agree with you!