My Boyfriend Cant Stop Lying!

[shedrivesz]

If you could take the time to read this I would be so grateful. It's hard to summarize the history of a liar in several paragraphs. Thank you so much in advance.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half and we live together. I trusted him 200% until his first little lie. Most of his lies are over things that are so small, it doesnt even seem important enough to lie about. I then became more aware of his lying and realized he did it all the time. His lies are the kind to make himself look bigger and better. I had had enough and told him he was pushing me away because I was losing all my trust in him. He is a wonderful boyfriend and so attentive. I couldnt ask for a better partner,,except that he has a real problem with lying.

 

Instead of bailing on him, I wanted to help him so we would sit down every Sunday evening and discuss his week and how much progress he made in not lying. It was so wonderful for both of us and he said it felt like a huge load off of his shoulders. I never got mad at him if he did lie and gave him the opportunity to come out with the truth, which he did on several occassions. I even praised him and told him how proud I was of him for trying and even if he did slip up, it was ok as long as he realized what he was doing. He was starting to understand why he lied and was making great progress in catching himself before he did lie.

 

My concern is, he has lied for years and years and he cant cure himself over the course of a month. We stopped having our weekly discussions for some reason. I asked him the other day how he was doing on his lying and he said he hadnt lied since we last talked about it 3 months ago. I thought right then and there that was a lie. I wasnt going to force him to lie to me just so I knew he hadnt been cured over night. I know he still lies but he has stopped expressing his feelings to me about it.

 

He always keeps a picture of me in his car on his dashboard and I noticed the other day it was gone. He also saves every little note I write him and I found one in the garbage. Hmmmm I thought? I asked him why he took the picture off his dashboard and he said he wanted a new one. Well why didnt he just ask me for one instead of waiting for me to bring it to his attention? As for the note, he said he accidently threw it away. I want so badly to believe him but I dont. Im at the point where I dont believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth. I have distanced myself from his Im guessing to protect my heart from another lie. He understands why I have distanced myself too.

 

He says when he lies he doesnt even realize it and he cant rememeber what he lied about to cover it up with some truth. It doesnt help that I am extremely intuitive. He has a real problem and I dont know what to do. If he really loved me as much as he says he does, then why does he hurt me because he knows it tears me apart and makes me feel insecure. I already suffer with enough insecurities and this is making it worse. He said he will not go to counceling because of an incident that happened to him when he was younger. Apparently his parents and school teacher suggested counceling to him when he was in High School and he felt like the whole world was ganging up on him. He gets very defensive if he hears the word, "counceling" or "you need to get help".

 

He is worth keeping? Will he ever stop lying on his own? Does he really love me as much as he says he does and if so, how am I suppose to know the truth if he lies to me and lies to his friends all the time?

[Sundaymorning]

it just looks liek you are stuck under a rock. you have to keep those meetings with him or you will not feel the way you used to feel. maybe find a new guy if you are sure you cant trust anything he says anymore.

[Miss_Behavin143]

I am so SO sorry to hear this and hear that you are going through such a trying situation.

 

Let me say that, my ex husband... was a very compulsive liar. He lied all the time. About anything. For no reason! He would lie and say he was late at work, when really he was at work, but drinking with his friends. He would lie about anything. The smallest, stupidest, stuff that he even had no reason to lie over. I always believed him though from the very beginning when he promised me... cheating was one thing he would NEVER do. Never. So, I never worried till he got home from being deployed last year and left me 2 weeks later. About a week later, I found out.... he'd cheated on me with a girl as soon as he got home. It all started to show and I started putting just how bad of a liar together that he was. He told me he couldn't give me child support for our daughter because he had to get a new clutch on his truck, I checked his email (this was when we first separated and I was trying to figure out why he had left me..) his MOTHER made him a fake invoice so he could take it to work and not get in trouble for not being there, and to take it to court to prove he didn't have the money to pay me for child support. He told me when he got out of the military he'd been offered a job in Kuwait making about $80,000.00 a year at a gun shop???? Of COURSE we know that this was a lie..... why he feels like he even needed to tell me that to begin with and what good that was going to do me knowing about it.. I'll never know. He asked me just the other day if I put our daughter in the corner for punishment because sometimes when he tells her no... she'll just go stand in the corner till he tells her to come out. A day or two ago.... he asked if I popped her, and I said no.. I just tell her "no ma'am.. in a strong voice" and he said "oh, well sometimes when she doesn't listen to me.. I make her go stand in the corner and she stays there till I tell her to come out......" why lie??

He has just lied about EVERYTHING all the time. He said he was going to be late bringing her home Sunday night because he was at a BBQ about 40 minutes away from here, I left the house 10 minutes later and passed him on the street, I called him and said "at a BBQ, huh?" he said... "yeah, well I had to come home for a minute." I said "you sure got home quick." and he hung up.

 

 

WHY do they feel like they need to lie about stuff, I can't explain to you. What I can say is that it's a problem I really don't know if they can control. He definitely needs to get help, and I completely understand where you would have trust issues. If he'll lie about small stuff that isn't important, of course he would lie about the BIG stuff that would be important and make a difference in something. It's so hard when you love someone so much, and they are so wonderful in every way.... and then they have this huge problem with lying, and of course..... it causes huge trust issues no matter how wonderful they are. I don't know that even if he ever told you he was doing so much better, that you would actually believe him? If he's not willing to get help for himself for whatever reason, it's probably best for you to get out of that. I think that it would TAKE professional help to help people like this.. and if he's not willing to do that, I wouldn't count on him changing. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, he probably DOES love you, but I think this is almost like a disease or something, the person themselves can't cure. That's just my opinion though, and my experience with it.

I... wouldn't/couldn't stick with him. But, with my husband I did........ so, it took a divorce to make me realize he had a serious, uncontrollable problem. All it will ever do is cause trust issues and problems. If he's 30 minutes late coming home from work, your really going to QUESTION if he was at work. You know? It's just things to think about. I'm sorry to say that and be negative about.... and like I said, it's just MY opinion and experience with it. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make and I hope it works out.

[shedrivesz]

I wanted to thank you both so much for your responses. (Miss Behavin and Sundaymorning).

What I appreciate most is that you are honest, and that is what I need to hear. It helps so much that you give me examples of your own life dealing with your lying partner. It makes me feel like Im not alone in this and tons of other couples are going through this deception.

 

My boyfriend went away with his mother and little brother to visit relatives for the last few days. I had to work so I couldnt go, but he is on his way home now. Even though I know he was with his mom and brother, who love me to death, I found myself getting sick just thinking about what he was doing. It was horrible! I shouldnt have to feel this way. He said he would call me this morning and didnt call until mid-afternoon. Simple little things like that make me go crazy. I think I will give him an ultimadium. Either get professional help or I leave. He worships the ground I walk and we love one another so much. I really hate to threaten him with this but I have no other choice then to leave him. When I commit to a relationship, I stay through thick and thin so I want him to get better. Its a sacrifice on my part for having to deal with all this insecurity and mis-trust because of his lying.

 

If you have any more examples of your personal sitautions with the lying partner, I think it would really help me to hear them. Thank you so much:)

[Miss_Behavin143]

you know, I was the same way.... When he went to Tampa to visit his family when he first got home from being deployed.... the first week he was home, for some reason... even though he was with his family, I was sooo worried he'd leave them, meet up with his old friends, get drunk and do Lord knows what... and I would never know because I wasnt with him. Well.... a couple nights after he'd been there he said he was going out with his DAD to play pool, I told him okay, have a good time.. he called to check in that night and said he was playing pool and he'd call me back later. Well, Maddie (my daughter) and I went to bed.. and had a phone call awaken us about 2 in the morning and him and his dad were leaving a strip club... his cell phone had accidentally called me.. b/c we were the last number he'd called, and I heard him and his dad talking for about 20 minutes about all the girls, lap dances, how drunk they were... all of it. So, He wasn't exactly playing pool. Anyways.. the next day or so later, I checked his email (he always checked his email on his moms computer down there) and sure enough he had an email from a girl saying how nice it was to get to know him and how much she liked him and enjoyed hanging out with him.. blah blah. ...

 

This time.. my intentions were right when I worried about what he was doing while he was down there. Even though I didn't THINK he would ever cheat on me, because he said that was the one thing he would never do to a woman, he didn't want it done to him.. so he wouldn't do it to her..... it happened. I never realized how bad his lying was until it was really too late. He called and told me and Maddie to have our stuff out of the house when he got home from Florida.

 

It's SO hard to trust them when you know they lie all the time about the small stuff. It's so hard because you KNOW they'll lie about the important stuff... you just don't know how in depth the lie is... you know what I mean??

I don't doubt that you two don't love each other... until this point, my husband and I had a PERFECT relationship. He was wonderful, I don't know if it was the war or what..... but I mean, we went on trips, he gave me roses all the time.. even after we were married, we were just happy as could be.... we were best friends!

That's why I said I don't think they can control themselves. It's sad that you would have to give him an ultimadium but, I personally, think it would be for the best for him (for his future relationships with family, friends, you..), and it would be the best for you because you would possibly be able to start trusting him more and having a little more faith in him. I think what your doing is right. It's so hard to say you'll do something though, or talk to them about this, and when you love someone you so easily find yourself just trying to let things go, and accept them because you love them...... but this could affect your relationship LIFE LONG if he doesn't get help with it... you have to decide whether it's something you could deal with for however long you two stayed together. Good luck. If you have anymore questions... I'll try to answer them from my point of view, for ya.

[shedrivesz]

Hi MissBehavin,

 

Another insightful response from you. Just talking to you really helps me alot and I cant thank you enough. Im happy to know you will be here for me if I have any more questions, and you can bet I'll have some more. LOL!

 

Ok, I know my body pretty good and consider myself to be very spiritual and intuitive,,most females are as we have that 6th sense. I have had this sick gut feeling for the past month that wont go away. I PMS pretty bad for a few days and seem to get even more insecure during that time. But even when Im not PMSing the feeling is still there. I know our bodies dont lie. Do you think my gut feeling is right? I just have this feeling that my boyfriend did something he is afraid to tell me. I dont think he cheated on me but I feel like maybe he interacted with another girl. Is it my strong insecurities making me believe and feel this way?

 

Everytime I ask him if he has something to tell me or even when we talk about his lying,,,he says nothing and he becomes mute. He tells me he doesnt know what to say. Do you think he is afraid to talk to me for fear that he might lie again? There are times when he will become overly affectionate out of the clear blue and almost smother me with hugs and kisses. He used to go out and buy me something after everytime he lied to me. After I caught on to what he was doing, he stopped buying me little things cuz it was a dead give away. I swear this is brainwashing me!! Im glad I can come here to vent

[Miss_Behavin143]

First off, your welcome!!! I wish I could help you more and be more insightful. I know it's not much, it's just MY experience and situations with it... I wish someone would of been there for me to even share their experiences with me.. I probably would of noticed something was wrong alot sooner. I'm just sorry I can't say more...

 

 

Now, yeah I kinda knew something was wrong. I've always had a pretty good psychic intuition or whatever......

When my husband went down to Florida, I kinda had a feeling something was going to happen, but I didn't know what..... and I didn't think it would go to the extent that it did, but I had a feeling. I cried for hours before I went to sleep that night after getting off the phone with him the night he said he was playing pool, because I knew something wasn't right.

 

IT could be you are paranoid.... I don't know how to tell you if it's your instinct or not......... but, you know you better than anybody... and all I can advise you is to not doubt your instinct. If you really feel like somethings wrong... something most likely IS wrong.

 

As for him not saying nothing to keep from lying, I don't know? I would say my husband wouldn't of been like that. He would of said something anyways, he wasn't worried about the fact that he lied all the time. He still doesn't worry if he's lying or not.

 

I know this must be soooooooo confusing.... but trust YOUR instinct and your gut feeling, and be strong. It will be so hard when you love someone so much to not just let it go and accept it.... but it will make you miserable if you don't do something about what YOU are feeling.

 

When I was with my husband... I probably and DID ignore that instinct alot........ now I know, I was wrong to do that. Just be careful. ... I know it's so hard.. God, I wouldn't wanna be in this position again!

[LikkleMissConfused]

I am in exactly the same situation as you. I am seeign a lovely guy with wonderful qualities. He is caring, attentive, helpful and has a very good heart but he bull****s all the time. I met him a year ago and he made out he is something else I automatically really liked him. As time has passed I've realised how many lies he tells and when i confront him he lies even more. Recently I told him how I feel quite harshly. I said that I was rapidly losing respect for him and our sex life has gone down the drain because I don't feel attracted to him becaus eI think he is a twat. Eventhough I love him to bits and adore him and value him more as a friend then a boyfriend (which is another concept he doesn't unerstand) he lies and lies about stupid things.

 

You see since I have known him he has had four temporary jobs, very unstable and he is 27 I am 25 and have studied to degree level and been working all the time part-time and now full-time since I was 15. I have a permanent job and on a very good salary which allows me to afford a flash sports car and I have modified it. Both myself and my boyfriend are into mod cars. He on the other hand owns a nice sports car to but simply can't afford to run it He struglles to pay the insurance and tax and is always broke. So many times before I would pay for things extensively. He has treated me on many occasions but i=he splashed out on me then he is broke for the next four months. Its so unstable. I have always been out with guys who treat me like a lady and when they take me out I am not asked to pay for half, he always asks me to pay for half.

 

He lies about job interviews he has had, he lies about so much and last night I told him that I am distancing myself from him because I am getting a very low opinion of him. He realises what he is doing and I also said to him tha I am now not going to say anything to him because there are enough stresses in our lives and I don't need this crap. Two years ago I broke up with a guy of five years . I am over it now but am very keen to work hard and play hard and I wish he was more stable and didn't compare himself with me because I have achieved the fruits of my hard work but I don't think he knows what hard work is?

 

We really get on well otherwise share the same interests have a laugh and I can be me but I think he feels a failure because he is 27 with nothign and I am 25 with house car self respect and a grounded person. I don't know its all confusing and I really feel for him because I used to be so insecure that I used to do the same.

 

Thats why I suppose I wanna help.

[shedrivesz]

I am in awe with your post LikkleMissConfused. I cant believe how identical our sitautions are, even down to the sports cars! I have always been into import sport cars and have an awesome Z32 300zx that I have modified beyond imagination. My boyfriend also has a sports car thats he's tricked out as well but I always feel like we are competing with one another. He will go broke trying to keep up with me and lie about where he got the upgrades for his car. For instance, he got a brand new wing for his car last night and said his friend just gave it to him for nothing at the local Auto Parts Store. Was this illegal I thought? Why bother asking cause I knew I wouldnt get the truth. He doesnt understand the concept of money and his parents still pay for his car insurance and he and I live together.

 

I am quite a few years older than he and I started my first job at age 13. On the other hand, he just started working within the past 3 years and his parents bought him everything. He spends his paycheck the second he gets it though has has always been great about paying half of everything and even helps me out at times.

 

I know this got off topic but I just couldnt believe how similar our circumstances are. Our sex life has diminished as well cause I feel if he lies to me, I wonder who or what he is thinking when we are making love? I have distanced myself from him to the point where I dont even want to know how his day was at work for fear it might entail a lie.

 

Ok, I have a question maybe someone, anyone can answer. My boyfriend just got back from a few day trip with his mom and younger brother. We had sex the evening he got home and while we were in the heat of things he suggested I switch to a particular position. He has never suggested this particular positon before. Why all of a sudden does he want to try out something new? We have always had a great sex life even during the diminished stages. My first immediate thought was remembering something I read about a cheating partner. One of the signs is your partner suggesting new positions as it might be something he experienced with his new mistress. Hmmm, I really dont know but its driving me crazy. Deep down I know he's not cheating, but this could be a sign or again it could just be my messed up head. Let me know what you think please. Remember, he is young and hasnt had a tremendous amount of sexual experiences. Or he might be getting bored with our same old routine. I may have answered my own questions but Id rather have your input.

Thank you so much:)

[LikkleMissConfused]

He probably feels comfortable with you to make the suggestion. DOn't look into it too much be grateful that he is still all there in mind body and soul.

 

Forget the cheating business coz if he was I think you would know because of his bull****ting behaviour it won't be hard for you to pick up on it.

 

Thanks.

 

I am also amazed how much we have in common. Well like you said in your previous email they won't stop lying overnight.

 

Good luck.