I was the other woman but look what happened

[jola]

My BF of 8months left his live-in GF of 9 years for me. He told her about me after 1 wk . She begged him to stay saying she'd kill herself or have to live on the streets. He told me he "had" to be with her. 2 days later, he called & begged for forgiveness. I told him 7 months ago, I was not sharing & I wouldn't be the other woman. 2 weeks later, he told her he wanted to be with me.

It took 2 wks for her to move out. When she did, she called me & told me every night he came home after being with me, he was with her. When confronted he denied. However, I noticed she was always visiting his parents who lived next door, wanting to visit her dog, pick up stuff she "forgot", get her mail anything. I told him this made me uncomfortable & we fought a lot over her.

One night while driving, something she said when she called after moving out stuck in my head and I demanded he tell me the truth. The truth was, yes, after having sex with me for 2 weeks he went home and had sex with her He begged me to stay, that it was over, she has moved on...I stopped him there! She hasn't moved on!! She still wants to be with him! For days, I had a hard time dealing with this. I finally agree to give him another chance.

Then the big lies started! He finally agreed not to have her feed the dog while he was out. But I noticed things such as her mail that was there that morning was gone, more obvisious signs such as a letter, or when I asked to call her to feed the dog while we went away but call in front of me and refused. The next day, I asked again and he said he did it at work. I was furious! There were so many signs and I just kept quiet. Let's not forget the 5am phone calls showing up on a phone bill, our photo placed in a drawer when she fed the dog, or the ever famous love letter I wrote him that was on the fridge, was found in a kitchen drawer folded up!

Around month 5, I met his parents! The next day, she saw his parents and they told her they met me! She went crazy and called me telling me they had been seeing each other almost every week. He'd leave my place around 1am & call her to come over, he said I was controlling and watched his every move,! Again he begged for frogiveness and I gave him another chance.

She said she was moving on. 1 month later she started textin, which he hid from me, then said she had a new BF which upset my BF and he ran back to her 1 night but regretted it the next day and said he loved me & wanted to be with me.

That was 2 months ago. Every 2 wks he's on call in which he gets a work phone so I don't see the calls or texts, so last week I found out she was still texting. He said she starts crying and telling him how much she misses him and he gets hurt and emotional, too. After a huge fight, I gave him the ultimatum to tell her to leave him alone or I am gone. He knew I was serious! So he told her! She got pissed and told me they had sex 2 wks ago on Easter. He admitted it saying she had stopped by Easter morning to see if he was ok with her having lunch with his parents and him and he said ok. He said it was a 5 minute quickie and then I had texted so he had told her to leave. After telling me this, texted her that he never wants to speak to her again to leave him alone.

He says he is over her and doesn't want to see me hurt or lose me. He still had some feelings and cared for her but no more. Over the past 3 months (since Valentine's Day when she told about them getting together every week), little by little, he has gotten rid of everything of hers, even the dog (he gave to a home with kids to play with her), even told his parents not to bring her up. I've been forgiving cause I took him from her and I left my husband of 13 years for HIM so I know moving on is difficult! But the lies, betrayal and deceit! I guess the difference is I quit my relationship "cold turkey". What advice does anyone have?

[fallen16]

Run...................he wants it all. You deserve more.

[TigerCub]

Jola, I sincerely wish you luck.

 

You'll need it with a man like that.

 

btw, does a 5 minute quickie make any difference? Is it not still cheating if its less that what? 20 minutes?

 

anyways - I think you know that you can't trust him and you're trying to quiet your inner voice and your gut instinct.

 

You left a marriage without cheating on him - so why does he get a pass for being weak?

 

Honestly, trust your gut.

 

If you guys are really serious about starting a committed and monogamous relationship based on some level of trust and respect, you probably should seek couple's counseling.

[LoveTKO]

Holy Schnikes!! I feel like I need therapy after reading your post! I have a headache now and will never feel the same again when my neighbors feed my dog when I'm out of town.

 

You love drama and turmoil it seems. Just move on with your life and try being single for a while....

[Quiet Storm]

He is conflict avoidant and you will deal with lies your entire relationship.

[woinlove]

Personally, I'd run, but if you want to try to make it work, I also suggest counselling, perhaps both couples and IC.

[Lil1]

He told me he "had" to be with her... he called & begged for forgiveness. I told him 7 months ago, I was not sharing & I wouldn't be the other woman.

 

The truth was, yes, after having sex with me for 2 weeks he went home and had sex with her He begged me to stay.. I finally agree to give him another chance.

 

Then the big lies started!.. he said I was controlling and watched his every move,! Again he begged for frogiveness and I gave him another chance... so last week I found out she was still texting... After a huge fight, I gave him the ultimatum to tell her to leave him alone or I am gone.

 

I've been forgiving cause I took him from her and I left my husband of 13 years for HIM so I know moving on is difficult! But the lies, betrayal and deceit!

 

What advice does anyone have?

 

 

Sorry to edit your post OP, but I feel like I've gotten the essential bits here. My advice? Read the above. They are your words. Let them sink in. Read them again. Is the answer clear to you yet?

 

This guy is a chump and he's taking you for a fool because you are letting him treat you this way. This is not a relationship based on love, at least not from his end. If he wasn't ready to move on he should not be involved with you or anyone - at least not if he really wants a healthy committed and loving relationship.

 

The following is not very constructive but I have to say I will never understand females who forgive a man's infidelity over and over and over. It's beyond me!

 

Unless you enjoy emotional pain and stress, discard him like the used tampon he is.

[wellwhynot]

My that's quite the situation you have there. It's like every bad thing that could happen to 1 person from almost all the other threads I've ever read happened to you in one relationship. It must be exhausting. Please make sure you get enough rest. Stress is enough to just wear you out!

My advice to you is to always go into a situation with your eyes wide open and know what it is you are getting and willing to accept. When you feel like you are compromising yourself then you know it's time to re-evaluate the situation. It sounds like you are there. I wish you lots of luck and peace, if you do decide to stay with him, I would suggest you set some boundaries and guidelines for what you expect and stick within them.

[jola]

OP, no one should have to share their partner with another person - not in that way. And you shouldn't have to wonder what he's up to when he isn't within eyesight. Cheaters tend to lie. They have to be good at it in order to be in an A to begin with. Hard as it may be, you should really think about how much of your life you want to waste feeling this way. It can't be enjoyable. You deserve a whole partner, not just the pieces that are being tossed your way.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

And you shouldn't have to wonder what he's up to when he isn't within eyesight. Cheaters tend to lie. They have to be good at it in order to be in an A to begin with. Hard as it may be, you should really think about how much of your life you want to waste feeling this way. It can't be enjoyable. You deserve a whole partner, not just the pieces that are being tossed your way.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

 

Thank you, I do hate feeling this way!

[jola]

My gut and heart tells me leave but can't seem to get the nerve. As I mentioned, I was married for 13 years and everything was smooth and calm. So, this drama is a little new. The worst thing is I am a smart professional educated woman and am very well respected in my career and I feel like a hypocrite being so weak and foolish!

I have noticed he is trying to moving on. However, I can't understand why he has moved himself with me since February and why if they were together for almost 10 years, would not he go back instead of using her for 2 am booty calls?

 

A little info I am 38 y/o, he is 45 y/o and she is 55 y/o! Not that it makes a difference.

[alexandria35]

My gut and heart tells me leave but can't seem to get the nerve. As I mentioned, I was married for 13 years and everything was smooth and calm. So, this drama is a little new. The worst thing is I am a smart professional educated woman and am very well respected in my career and I feel like a hypocrite being so weak and foolish!

I have noticed he is trying to moving on. However, I can't understand why he has moved himself with me since February and why if they were together for almost 10 years, would not he go back instead of using her for 2 am booty calls?

 

A little info I am 38 y/o, he is 45 y/o and she is 55 y/o! Not that it makes a difference.

 

Huh? Can you rephrase that question because I'm not sure I understand it? Are you asking why he uses her for booty calls instead of just getting back together with her? I think it's because she allows it and you allow it. Both you and she are willing to let him lie, deceive and use you, so he does. It's not rocket science. This guy will do whatever he thinks he can get away with. You are accepting the unacceptable and even if he does completely break things off with her, how on earth are you ever going to be able to trust this proven liar?

[irin]

in few years she will have moved on completely

 

you will both be in a comfortable relationship, and someone will come along and he'll be gone. sorry to be harsh.

[cocorico]

What advice does anyone have?

 

I am sorry you have had to deal with so much drama! It seems they have some kind of mutual dependency and neither can make a clean break from the other. I am concerned that the history you outline here will leave you looking over your shoulder with this guy and unable to trust him sufficiently for the R to thrive. Many committed men lie to their BS but if he has been lying to you as well I would be wary. Starting out a R with lies to you is a shaky foundation and he will need to prove himself trustworthy to you if your R is to have a chance. If he is prepared to do the hard work on addressing why he acts like that it might work. Have you suggested couples counselling to him?

[jola]

I am sorry you have had to deal with so much drama! It seems they have some kind of mutual dependency and neither can make a clean break from the other. I am concerned that the history you outline here will leave you looking over your shoulder with this guy and unable to trust him sufficiently for the R to thrive. Many committed men lie to their BS but if he has been lying to you as well I would be wary. Starting out a R with lies to you is a shaky foundation and he will need to prove himself trustworthy to you if your R is to have a chance. If he is prepared to do the hard work on addressing why he acts like that it might work. Have you suggested couples counselling to him?

 

I completely agree! She helped him through some tough times and stuck by him. I knows he feels guilty doing what he did to her. I feel guilty leaving my husband. But I don't have sex with him when I miss our life together!

 

Also, I think in the beginning he was stringing her along, so in case I left he would have her to go to. Giving her false hope!

 

The sad part is I have given so much of myself to him. He has literally sucked the life out of me. I never see my friends or family anymore. I don't do the things I enjoy anymore. I don't trust him one bit!! I am afraid to go anywhere for fear of him seeing her or even talking to her! OMG! Look, what I have become, look what he has turned me into! WHY can't I get out?!?!?! I am beautiful and successful. I own 2 houses, have an amazing son, great friends and supportive family. She has no teeth, smokes 1 1/2 pack ciggies, wears no makeup, sounds like a man, lives in a trailer, has an ex-felon for a son, ex-husband is a nudist and drunk, daughter is a druggie! I told him, his heart wants her but in his head he wants me. Of course, he denies it, "oh, I love you and I want to be with you!"

 

I guess a large part does not want to leave him and have him go back with her like nothing happened. I had told only bits and pieces to my mother and her reply was so appropriate "You can't keep thinking of it as a competition but if you do, you'll be the winner and she'll be the loser" Even his own nephew, who is 5 years younger than me, says he loves his uncle and I am the best thing that ever happened to him but if he wants to be with her, there is nothing I can do to stop it, to keep trying to is unhealthy!

 

Help me get out!!! Yes, I have a counselor but she has no openings until June 4th!

[woinlove]

I completely agree! She helped him through some tough times and stuck by him. I knows he feels guilty doing what he did to her. I feel guilty leaving my husband. But I don't have sex with him when I miss our life together!

 

Also, I think in the beginning he was stringing her along, so in case I left he would have her to go to. Giving her false hope!

 

The sad part is I have given so much of myself to him. He has literally sucked the life out of me. I never see my friends or family anymore. I don't do the things I enjoy anymore. I don't trust him one bit!! I am afraid to go anywhere for fear of him seeing her or even talking to her! OMG! Look, what I have become, look what he has turned me into! WHY can't I get out?!?!?! I am beautiful and successful. I own 2 houses, have an amazing son, great friends and supportive family. She has no teeth, smokes 1 1/2 pack ciggies, wears no makeup, sounds like a man, lives in a trailer, has an ex-felon for a son, ex-husband is a nudist and drunk, daughter is a druggie! I told him, his heart wants her but in his head he wants me. Of course, he denies it, "oh, I love you and I want to be with you!"

 

I guess a large part does not want to leave him and have him go back with her like nothing happened. I had told only bits and pieces to my mother and her reply was so appropriate "You can't keep thinking of it as a competition but if you do, you'll be the winner and she'll be the loser" Even his own nephew, who is 5 years younger than me, says he loves his uncle and I am the best thing that ever happened to him but if he wants to be with her, there is nothing I can do to stop it, to keep trying to is unhealthy!

 

Help me get out!!! Yes, I have a counselor but she has no openings until June 4th!

 

I think competition is a factor in affairs more often than admitted. While I mostly didn't think of the BW, I think it was not coincidental that I ended things when the divorce was finalized. With competition out of the picture, I finally asked myself, is this really who I want to tie my life to? Sadly, for some, they have been through so much by that time, they don't even stop to ask themselves that question at that point because it is difficult to admit one has gone through all the drama and the negatives of an A and it was partly driven by silly aspects like competition.

 

You also mention, look what he has turned you into. You only turn into what you allow yourself to turn into. You can choose to turn that around and, once again, become a vibrant and happy person. Really, does it matter if he goes back to his W? Do you really want to tie your future to this man? I don't see why from what you write, although I can understand the attachment (or addiction, depending on how one wants to look at it) can be very strong. Doesn't mean it is healthy or good though.

[wellwhynot]

 

The sad part is I have given so much of myself to him. He has literally sucked the life out of me. I never see my friends or family anymore. I don't do the things I enjoy anymore.

 

 

 

Help me get out!!! Yes, I have a counselor but she has no openings until June 4th!

 

2 things I'd like to respond to.

1st-Don't do this to yourself.

2nd-call a differnt counselor if they can't get you in. You obviously need to talk to someone sooner.

 

Best of luck.

[jola]

Hockeyfan, nowhere do I say my mother wants us to be together. My mother says when I leave, she'll be the loser for taking him back and I will win for leaving him! The nephew also says I should not put up with it.