New Here, But Very Confused And Need Good Advice!

[Lexus]

Hello Everyone! The past few days I have just been lurking around, reading different posts and topics. I also tried building up enough courage to even come here, as it was my last option! Here is my situation or problem:

 

My husband and I have been married since January 9th of this year. We were best friends before we even got married, but afterwards it has all gone way down hill from there! I admit to have cheating on him several months before we even got married (was drunk, but that is not my excuse- I had a lot going on in my own head and was very confused and was feeling very lonely) but I didn't admit it to him until a few months ago. He was willing to forgive and forget but is constantly throwing it in my face!

 

We've tried working through things and no matter how hard I try, how hard he tries, nothing seems to ever work. We can't really afford counseling right now as we have a lot of bills, 2 puppies to care for, etc so things are a little tight right now. I love him but I am not sure I am IN love with him anymore... I am sick of being hurt, as my entire past (up until 17 years old when I moved out of my parents house), I was abused, heavy on drugs, rebellious, partied all of the time and was just this horrible person that I didn't even like so I knew it was time for a change, so I made one. I am not that way anymore, but I am still carrying around some of my past baggage and it affects me all of the time, causing a depression-like state! I've tried working on myself as well as our marriage, but sometimes I wonder if there's even any hope left. Also, he's been a little forward with me when it comes to confrontation physically... and since I was abused physically up until age 12, I get scared and freak out, but that doesn't seem to even phase him. He doesn't pay much attention to me anymore, he's mean to me, he belittles me, and cares more about everything else than myself and our puppies!

 

Ok, now to where I really need advice at... Last night when he went to bed I was feeling extremely lonely, hurt, frustrated and not like my normal self so I got online and was searching for some advice through IM's, male or female, who was willing to just talk to me so I could get it off my chest! Well, I started talking to this male who's 27 years old, in the middle of a divorce (caught his wife in bed w/ another man), and has 2 daughters (ages 3 and 1). We talked from 2:30am until almost 8am this morning, non-stop, not even a little break and it was REALLY nice. We had the BEST conversation and we shared a lot of personal information (pasts, family situations, etc) and we have so many of the same interests.. Also, we have a lot of the same exact outlooks in life when it comes to what a marriage and so forth should be like, etc.... I am not a very trusting person at first when it comes to meeting someone new, but the comfort level with him last night was extremely high and I felt I could trust him with anything! And when I said we had the best time, the best conversation... It's one of those that you NEVER want to end because it's just feeling so good and so perfect, you're scared to let go or might lose! He's perfect!

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? My husband makes me feel like I am worth sh*t and doesn't even cuddle, hold or want to be around me half the time. I am not saying that I want to be with this guy or whatever but he made me feel so good... my husband never even made me feel that way, not as best friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance or even as a wife. And I've never even allowed myself to open up to someone that way in my entire life, especially with barely knowing someone! I really need some advice right now because I'm heavily confused and really could use anyone's help! Also, the guy (Chris) feels the exact same... and it's so weird how he's the only one that would offer me advice, but yet we're almost like the same person- just different sexes, it's almost so perfect that I believe God brought us together this way for a reason, but I need some very helpful advice so I can do some better thinking before making a quick decision about everything!

 

Get back with me asap, thank you ever so much!

 

[cinnamonstix49]

I know how it feels to stay up all night talking to someone online, you feel like you can share anything, it's easier to talk. I'm sure you may have been feeling extremely lonely, hurt, frustrated... etc, but have you ever thought of your husband's feelings? He may have been willing to forgive and forget, but do you think it still doesn't bother him sometimes, I'm sure he is hurting too. It sounds to me like you are shutting him out of your feelings by going online behind his back and talking to people about your personal lives.

 

Also, the Internet is a great game of dress-up. One can be whomever he or she chooses to be. "Chris" as you call "him" might actually be Christina or Joseph or Laura, you really don't know, and you really can't be sure. Could you really leave your long time best friend and husband for some stranger? Yes I say stranger because you do not know him, an all night Internet conversation does not mean you are soul mates.

 

I think that you should talk to your husband and try to make your relationship work, maybe try some marriage counseling. I also advise against seeking online fulfillment, you should rely on family and friends instead.

[Kelly36]

I have been thru the exact same as you!! My now ex hubby worked night turn and I never got any love or affection from him, felt like his slave! He had no respect for me! Like you, I turned to the computer to chat with people and met a terrific guy online! We hit it off great! We talked for a few months before we decided to meet with each other in person!Seeing him for the firstime, he was very good looking and I felt as though I had known him for years!! He was such a sweetie!!

Since I was still married, I told online guy that I could not get any closer to him than I already did! The interest was there, but I had to back it off cuz I knew I would fall in love with him!! Bad thing is, everytime I got online I was soo tempted to talk to him! So I said what the hey, nothing wrong in having a friendship with someone!!

WRONG!! I ended up getting very interested in this guy, which made me want to get rid of my jerk of a hubby.. I kept talking with the online man and was soo infactuated with him that I finally decided that I didn't want to be in an unhappy marriage anymore and asked my hubby to leave!!

I told my hubby about the online man and he filed for divorce!! We both had anger, resentment towards each other, but as time passed the newness of the new guy wore off and I started to wonder about my ex! He and I started to talk again , becoming close again!! After having that time apart from each other we both realized our mistakes and that we were both at fault for our marriage falling apart! We do have 2 children together! Now I'm in a very bad situation!! Do I move on or do I work things out with the man I once gave my life to.

My advice to you, from my learning experience is that you should not keep talking to this man if you feel any kind of interest in him what so ever!! I know you feel god has sent him to you, but believe me!! You have got to work on one issue before you can start another!! Which means work on your marriage, do everything you can to save it and sometimes that includes seperating from each other for awhile with no contact! He may learn some things about himself and you may also!! Its easier to see things much clearer when your on the outside looking in!! After you have tried every route to save your marriage and it still does not work then I would say you are ready for the divorce proceedings!!

[Lexus]

Cinnamon:

 

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate all of your advice and so forth, but there's a few things that you may not have understood in my post, but I can help you to understand them!

 

For starters, as I said in my last post, we can't afford any type of counseling right now because money is a little tight right now due to us just having moved and so forth! We've tried working on our marriage together, with family and friends trying to give advice or get involved, and even us as a single to work on ourselves alone, but nothing as worked - nothing! I read somewhere on this site that someone had put and it said something like, " I didn't get married to get divorced", but when there's been so much sh*t going on throughout the entire relationship and marriage and EVERYTHING you've tried to do doesn't work, the only option to do is leave and go seperate ways instead of staying in something that'll hurt you more in the end.

 

I am not falling for this guy. Chris is his real name, I actually spoke with him on the phone today and so forth. I know that the internet can be dress-up for some people, but the feeling I have is so unreal, like a dream and I am ready to wake up at any moment! Your right, Chris is a stranger but sometimes it's best to just talk with someone who isn't related or who doesn't know you, to get another person's perspective on things .... and let me say, talking to him has really helped me to understand a lot of things I've been feeling, etc...

 

I know my husband is probably still hurting from what I did and I make no excuse for it, but he's done things to me in the past that have hurt me (not cheating, though) and it continues to bother me..... but he doesn't even want to try and work it out.

 

I am so confused, though. I really am not sure what to do anymore and I have a lot of thinking to do. I actually found a place in the phonebook that's nearby that offers free counseling, but not sure how it really works so I am going to call tomorrow. Hopefully someone can give me insight on something!!!!!

 

Again, thanks for your post! I greatly appreciate it!

[sportsloving]

For starters, as I said in my last post, we can't afford any type of counseling right now because money is a little tight right now due to us just having moved and so forth!

 

Call around and ask about getting reduced rates or free counseling. There are a lot of options out there so make some calls Talk to churches, crisis centers (they have all sorts of lists), or the state.

 

I didn't get married to get divorced", but when there's been so much sh*t going on throughout the entire relationship and marriage and EVERYTHING you've tried to do doesn't work, the only option to do is leave and go seperate ways instead of staying in something that'll hurt you more in the end.

 

You've only been married a short time, not even a full year. I know it can be overwelming and feeling as if there are no other choices, but the reality is ... do you really want to give up after only six months?

 

I am not falling for this guy. Chris is his real name, I actually spoke with him on the phone today and so forth. I know that the internet can be dress-up for some people, but the feeling I have is so unreal, like a dream and I am ready to wake up at any moment! Your right, Chris is a stranger but sometimes it's best to just talk with someone who isn't related or who doesn't know you, to get another person's perspective on things .... and let me say, talking to him has really helped me to understand a lot of things I've been feeling, etc...

 

Yes, sometimes it does help to talk to a neutral party. But have you told your husband that you are talking to this gentleman? Does he know you are talking on the phone and the internet? You are already dealing with one case of infidelity ... you said your husband is still reacting to it ... what do you think he is going to feel come to learn that you are sharing your marriage problems with another guy?

 

I am not saying you have feelings for this guy, I am asking that you put yourself in your husband shoes and look at the situation from all sides. It is going to look bad no matter how it comes out. Please be careful.

 

I will probably get flogged for this, but I heard a seminar about how to stop infidelity in a relationship. One of the key points was, never turn to a member of the opposite sex when you are having problems with your husband or wife. You are willing to share to many private and intimiate details with someone, and in turn it cause a feeling of "intimacy". So you feel you connect with this other person, meanwhile you and hubby are fighting, arguing, giving cold shoulders... you and bud get closer, you and hubby get farther away ... and guess what the likely ending is?

 

I know my husband is probably still hurting from what I did and I make no excuse for it, but he's done things to me in the past that have hurt me (not cheating, though) and it continues to bother me..... but he doesn't even want to try and work it out.

 

That's one of those things about being in a relationship. You have to be willing to forgive and forget some things, and you have to know the battles you are willing to fight. But as you said, he has done things to hurt you in the past. Past is gone, over ... you need to let it go, as he does, and work on the here and now.

 

I do wish you both luck and hope it all works out. I know you don't want to hear this, but I believe you are going to have to back off your friendship with Chris and deal with your marriage before you can get anywhere. I just can't see adding a guy to the mix as being a good thing

 

Good luck and best wishes

[Lexus]

Hello

 

Wow, thank you for all of the posts! I am very shocked at seeing how kind and understanding, yet so helpful you guys are! I guess I really wasn't thinking of his feelings, but the anger and resentment I have toward him just over powers any type of "love" I have for him. I can't stand for a guy to be in my face or get physical and that's exactly what he does, so I build up this anger inside (even if I tell him how it bothers me, and he knows what my biological father did to me for years), and it just brings on more hatred!

 

No, I do not want to give up after six months because you're right, that is a short period of time, but in this short time frame that we have been married - more crap has gone on than throughout our entire relationship! I give him some positives - he's a great cook, he can be very loving, I love his smile & his entire body, and I love when he laughs... also, he doesn't mind being a goof off sometimes! But, when all of the negatives about him come out, they tend to just take over those positives and make me become more resentful. I've tried forgiving and forgetting, but I guess it really isn't that easy when I think about it, so it probably isn't easy for him either, I just don't even know where to begin!

 

Kelly36, so you know exactly what I am feeling. I am SO glad that someone on here was going or had gone through the same thing (which I am sure we're not the only ones!) and was able to give some thoughts about it! When I even think of divorcing my husband, I do think about how him and Jag (our pug pup, we got our puppes at the same time, together, he picked him out for him ... Lexus, our pup beagle is mine!), would he make it just fine, could he take care of himself, etc ... I do think we need some time apart, but it makes things so difficult because I can't go to a family members house, he certainly can't (long story for him), and we can't split our pups up (we've had them both since they were 5wks old, 7 months old now- they're very close) ... that's another reason I don't want to leave, but there's so many as to why I do want to.

 

I loved it when you said, "You have to work on one issue before starting another" ! In fact, I have enjoyed and defiinitely appreciated all of the insight and advice! As I said, I found a few free counseling centers so I will be calling today.... but I can almost guarantee that my husband doesn't want to go. He's one of those real "macho" men, tough guys that like to do everything on their own. (he wrestled, played football & baseball entire life) I think he'd actually be a little embarassed about it all!

 

Anywho, thanks SOOO much again for all of the advice! If you have any advice about what I can do to get him to go to counseling, please... feel free to post that, too! I'm scared to even try (but I will!) because I don't know if it'll be a waste of time and he not want to work on things, more/less treat me like a person and not his slave ..... or that I'm just his lover, house maid, his b*tch (lol, excuse french), etc...

 

Take Care!

[Kelly36]

Here's my advice on getting him to see a counselor, sit him down and have a serious talk with him!! Be very stern with him, but don't attack him. Tell him all your feelings and how bad your hurting inside and that things have to change TODAY, not tomorrow TODAY!! Tell him you would like him to see a counselor and if he refuses, tell him If you LOVE ME and want our marriage to work then this is what I expect from you to keep our marriage working and if you choose not to work on our marriage with me, don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out.

 

You are doing your part by wanting to go to counseling and try to get the marriage back on track!! Marriage is 50/50 on both parts and if the other isn't willing then he needs to hit the road and he will find out the hard way!!

Good luck!!!

[wickedbe38]

Originally posted by Lexus

Hello Everyone! The past few days I have just been lurking around, reading different posts and topics. I also tried building up enough courage to even come here, as it was my last option! Here is my situation or problem:

 

My husband and I have been married since January 9th of this year. We were best friends before we even got married, but afterwards it has all gone way down hill from there! I admit to have cheating on him several months before we even got married (was drunk, but that is not my excuse- I had a lot going on in my own head and was very confused and was feeling very lonely) but I didn't admit it to him until a few months ago. He was willing to forgive and forget but is constantly throwing it in my face!

 

We've tried working through things and no matter how hard I try, how hard he tries, nothing seems to ever work. We can't really afford counseling right now as we have a lot of bills, 2 puppies to care for, etc so things are a little tight right now. I love him but I am not sure I am IN love with him anymore... I am sick of being hurt, as my entire past (up until 17 years old when I moved out of my parents house), I was abused, heavy on drugs, rebellious, partied all of the time and was just this horrible person that I didn't even like so I knew it was time for a change, so I made one. I am not that way anymore, but I am still carrying around some of my past baggage and it affects me all of the time, causing a depression-like state! I've tried working on myself as well as our marriage, but sometimes I wonder if there's even any hope left. Also, he's been a little forward with me when it comes to confrontation physically... and since I was abused physically up until age 12, I get scared and freak out, but that doesn't seem to even phase him. He doesn't pay much attention to me anymore, he's mean to me, he belittles me, and cares more about everything else than myself and our puppies!

 

Ok, now to where I really need advice at... Last night when he went to bed I was feeling extremely lonely, hurt, frustrated and not like my normal self so I got online and was searching for some advice through IM's, male or female, who was willing to just talk to me so I could get it off my chest! Well, I started talking to this male who's 27 years old, in the middle of a divorce (caught his wife in bed w/ another man), and has 2 daughters (ages 3 and 1). We talked from 2:30am until almost 8am this morning, non-stop, not even a little break and it was REALLY nice. We had the BEST conversation and we shared a lot of personal information (pasts, family situations, etc) and we have so many of the same interests.. Also, we have a lot of the same exact outlooks in life when it comes to what a marriage and so forth should be like, etc.... I am not a very trusting person at first when it comes to meeting someone new, but the comfort level with him last night was extremely high and I felt I could trust him with anything! And when I said we had the best time, the best conversation... It's one of those that you NEVER want to end because it's just feeling so good and so perfect, you're scared to let go or might lose! He's perfect!

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? My husband makes me feel like I am worth sh*t and doesn't even cuddle, hold or want to be around me half the time. I am not saying that I want to be with this guy or whatever but he made me feel so good... my husband never even made me feel that way, not as best friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance or even as a wife. And I've never even allowed myself to open up to someone that way in my entire life, especially with barely knowing someone! I really need some advice right now because I'm heavily confused and really could use anyone's help! Also, the guy (Chris) feels the exact same... and it's so weird how he's the only one that would offer me advice, but yet we're almost like the same person- just different sexes, it's almost so perfect that I believe God brought us together this way for a reason, but I need some very helpful advice so I can do some better thinking before making a quick decision about everything!

 

Get back with me asap, thank you ever so much!

 

[wickedbe38]

LEXUS: Money should never be an issue if your willing to seek counseling for putting your marriage back on track. If you have a church that you go to regularly, you should go to your minister to receive the services that you both seek. If both of you where bestfriends at one time or another, then you and your spouse should sit down preferably in a public place, say for coffee for a mutual discussion regarding your future together. Be honest with him in telling him how you feel? Ask him why he's been treating you the way he has and making you feel bad about yourself? You can only opologize so much once you've admitted you've cheated. Either he's willing to forgive you and rekindle the Love you both once shared? Or you both agree to part your seperate ways before it gets worse. In the end? You both will find happiness at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

Originally posted by Kelly36

Here's my advice on getting him to see a counselor, sit him down and have a serious talk with him!! Be very stern with him, but don't attack him. Tell him all your feelings and how bad your hurting inside and that things have to change TODAY, not tomorrow TODAY!! Tell him you would like him to see a counselor and if he refuses, tell him If you LOVE ME and want our marriage to work then this is what I expect from you to keep our marriage working and if you choose not to work on our marriage with me, don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out.

 

You are doing your part by wanting to go to counseling and try to get the marriage back on track!! Marriage is 50/50 on both parts and if the other isn't willing then he needs to hit the road and he will find out the hard way!!

Good luck!!!