i love a car mechanic, and my family has disowned me

[kablam]

I am having some family trouble when it comes to them accepting my boyfriend who i am in love with, soley because of his occupation. I'm a capable, independent, deans list college junior, artist, community server, and religious. I've done nothing but obey my strict parents throughout my life and really have been limited socially because of their ultra traditional ways. I dated only a couple guys in high school which were nothing serious, and was cheated on by a boyfriend after graduating high school. Basically he wanted sex and I wasnt ready to loose my virginity, so he found what he wanted.

 

When I came to college I met several guys but one struck me in particular, and we've been dating for almost 2 years now and I couldn't be happier with him. Hes amazing- and does everything for me! we do everything together- and hold so much in common- and are miserable when we are apart! My friends love him- he has to be the most caring, gentle, giving people I've honestly ever met- and friends have said the same about him. So i thought, my parents will love him! he's PERFECT in every way.

 

Except he's a car mechanic.

 

He's 1.5 yrs older than me, went to a 2 yr school and graduated when i met him. he graduated high school and college, got an associates degree, and a full time job which he is absolutely amazing at. Hes very independent and skillful and knowledgable- and cars are his favorite thing in the world (besides me! haha)... and that is not good enough for my parents.

 

My parents come from a line of doctors, engineers, rocket scientists (literally), and lawyers... nothing less. And theyre making me hind the same thing in a husband. and dont worry, theyve told him this to his face.

 

They pulled me out of college because they didnt want me do date a mechanic... they said if that was good enough for me, then i could be a "drop out" too- even though he has NEVER dropped out of ANYTHING... and it wasnt until i "broke up" with him that they let me go back to college- of course i didnt break up with him! and that time- when my parents thought we were broken up, my family life was miraculous.

 

hes going back to school for engineering in 2 yrs when i graduate and go to grad school, so we'll be near each other. we want to be together forever but my parents wont even allow me to say his name in the house. hes been nothing but wonderful to my parents and theyve been nothing but mean to him. i cant believe he still wants to be with me after 2 yrs of hell with my family.

 

ive been fighting with mom and dad since day one about this, and cant seem to get through to them. Just because hes a mechanic now doesnt mean hes a bad person- and if i do decide to live the rest of my life with him, i have to support myself before relying on anyone else to support me!! theyve threatened to kick me out and pull me out of school again. what should i do??

 

PLEASE HELP, i am more desperate than anyone could imagine, and miserable fighting at home, trying to convince them that an occupation isnt all a human has to offer. How do i make them try to accept us?

[Mr Spock]

You need to buckle down, finish college and get out of your parent's clutches. Secretly see this guy if you have to, but make no decisions as to your future. Finish college. Hang in there. If this were my family, the moment I had my diploma I would never speak to them again. Not because they dissaprove of my choice of a mate but because THEY PULLED MEOUT OF COLLEGE TO TRY AND CONTROL MY LIFE. You are ultimately in control of your destiny. They may not be able to understand this.

 

Just sit tight, finish college.....please. No big decisions. If he loves you, he'll understand what you're going through.

 

I'm just amazed that someone's family could be so controlling....

 

 

Stop talking about it with them. Your sex life is none of their business. If they cannot learn to not interfere with your life like that , cut them out of it.

[kablam]

Thanks for the quick response... That is what I'm planning on doing, I told them last summer when they said i couldnt go back to school- that I'd get a job and do it myself. Fake breaking up was hard and lasted till this Valentines Day, when i faked a reunition. Lying for so long wrecked me, and i still have to sneak around to make phone calls. Their rein is tight and i have a lot to loose- but once I'm done with school, no matter who I'm with, they can't expect me to stick around after they have treated me in this situation- and my boyfriend for that matter.

 

But no matter what I'm staying in school. And I'm aiming for big time grad schools too- and have that part pretty much figured out.

 

Unfortuantely my parents' dissaproval and extreme poor logical sense makes them think that because I'm dating a person of a 2 year school, thats all I deserve too. I wish they could appreciate all that I have done in my schooling, community, artistic abilities and outreaches to others- and weigh them into the scheme of things. unfortunately they are quick to pass jugements and their say is law, "otherwise should be paying rent".

 

Do you have any suggestions on how else i could enlighten them on things? like the 21st century, and I hate to sound so juevenile. I love my family and would do anything to save both relationships, but they seem to be putting ours on the line because of my decisions. Its unfortunate because my boyfriend has never hurt a fly emotionally or otherwise, is a great person, volunteers with me, and helps anyone with anything in a heartbeat- he puts anyone- no matter who they are- before himself at all costs. just seeing this has been a miricle to me and hes taught me how to be a better person- maybe if my parents could only learn from him as well..

 

They love me and want the best for me, this i understand. but theres a fine line between guiding and controling whats best for your son or daughter. and for the sake of all humankind and the neighborhood due to fighting... i wish theyd let me do what i know is best.

 

Maybe theres a book anyone knows that i could buy them to show them the light of letting go, or a movie to rent besides My Big Fat Greek Wedding?- i tried that to no avail. any suggestions on what i can do next would be fantastic.

 

And thanks again Mr. Spock for your most intelligent advice, and dont worry, I'm not about to loose my own track to being the best I can be. And surely i can achieve my goals with a boyfriend who supports everything i do.

[kirkyswife]

You are in a tough spot in your life - a tug-of-war with your family over your right to choose who you date and fall in love with. My parents have similar attitudes and have acted out in similar manners, but I didn't allow them to dictate that part of me. For some reason I was able to stand strong in this arena and not allow my parents to determine the "type" of man I should or should not be with.

 

My husband was and is NOT an acceptable man for me for whatever asinine reason they have created in their minds. My husband is now extremely wealthy and he has (despite our separation) always maintained my home and spousal support - despite the fact that I have worked and now run my own business. When we married we were quite young and they were not privy to his financial position - his job at the time was with the government and they felt was not sufficient enough to take care of me.

 

I say this - Money don't make the man - Man makes the money.

 

I don't know how old you are but sounds to me like it's time to separate the woman from the little girl and take control of your life ASAP. Establishing your independence is going to build up your self esteem and ultimately your parents will have to learn to accept that they have raised you and now it's time for you to live your own life, make your own mistakes and go on YOUR LIFE PATH.

 

I wish you luck!

[tiki]

I've heard that mechanics is the place to be...that they make awesome money. I know about 8 years ago, a colleague of mine had a husband that was a mechanic and he was making $60,000.00 a year. That was BEFORE I'd heard that this was the route to go.

 

Your parents are wacked. You need to move out and start a life of your own. Unless there's some hidden agenda, they're looney for doing this. Move out, get a job, pay your own bills and go to school on federal grants if you have to. The sad thing is, if you're living under their roof, you really have to follow their rules.

[lilac]

Do your parents have any friends? I find it hard to believe that such judgemental, snotty and ignorant people would be liked by anybody. Yuck.

 

Maybe you should remind your parents that having a so-called good job does not mean that you will never lose that job. It doesn't mean you are happy or a better person. Plus, lawyers, doctors, engineers whatever....they can be abusive, liars, cheaters and excessive gamblers.

 

I would rather date the pizza delivery guy who treats me like gold than the doctor who drinks to excess, slaps me around and screws half his patients. Wouldn't you?

[Mr Spock]

You love your parents, but that doesn't mean you have to like them. I hope you are aware that entire families have stopped speaking to each other for much less.

 

They ARE paying for your education, so you owe them respect until you're finished-when that happens, move across the country. Regardless of mechanic dude or not. Feelings change-but please if they continue to sh*t down your neck about this remind them that you are free to date whomever you want.

[msrealdoll]

I would try to manipulate them into therapy by saying I wanted to go (perhaps to help me get over the mechanic). A lie, I know, but you're already lying. Why not lie for the greater good? Then I would turn it into family therapy. Even if they didn't agree to go, you would get some good advice and support.

[Fayebelle]

Tikibrany is right -mechanics is where the $ is. And you have to be smart- all those computers and stuff on cars these days. My BF is going to college right now b/c he wants to be a mechanic. His parents are happily paying for it b/c he can make a good living doing something that makes him happy. Did I mention his father is a doctor? ( the scientific type not medical- I can't even grasp what his job really is )

 

Hang in there girl- I can't believe they're being such dorks but they'll eat their words one day when you 2 live happily AND comfortablly ever after.

 

P.S.- next time they need work on their car - ask them why they don't fix it themselves if they are so mentally superior to lowly mechanics.

[kablam]

thank you everyone for the great turnout of advice. i want to say quickly that i just visited my boyfriend for the weekend, and before i left my parents barely spoke to me for going to visit. but when i came home and they didnt say one negative thing. i had an amazing time and the stay at his family's place made me more inclined to stay with my heart and not follow my parent's wishes. His family is so loving, accepting, and giving... and i would more than love to be a part of that.

 

to lily- my parents dont have many friends. i never realized this until a couple years ago when i saw how other parents of my firends got together for lunches and coffee and whatnot; my parents rarely did this unless it was a function at the sailing club. yuck.

 

and i know why- mom has a couple close friends but they still have the occassional fight, usually my mom's ignorance is at fault. dad works so much he has no time for a social life. and they severly limit my social life at home... if i have seen my friends once that week, i couldnt see them again because that is "too much" and shows im letting "my friends take over my life". this has hurt my life socially and i feel like i am losing friends because of it. my closest friends understand somewhat, which is wonderful, but it doesnt change the fact i never see them.

 

through this i realize that i need to finish college and leave. my parents have taken their control too far- and couldnt understand because their lives are also so limited.

 

also mechanics do make a lot of money- its a secure job- everyone has a car and all cars have problems, so the market is always plentiful for car mechanics. personally i think its a great job, and never have had qualms with it. my parents on the other hand have only known and grown with people of professional occupations like doctors and lawyers and the like- and must have created an image of thats how the whole world should strive to be, and anything less is not good enough for their daughter.

 

did i tell you that the 2 moms talked for the first time on the phone last week? what a riot to listen in on. my mom treated it as a business transaction rather than a conversation. obviously my boyfriends parents arent too thrilled of my parents for their position on things. and my parents know they arent liked. so there was no "hi! glad to finally talk with my daughters boyfriends mom after 2 years of dating. how are you?" no. let me say it started with:"i understand my daughter is coming to visit tomorrow. shes taking the train at 4 and is expected to arrive by 7." not one "thank you for letting her stay at your house" or anything to that degree of warmth. obviously an uncomfortanble situation but was not helped by my mother whatsoever. she had the nerve to tell me after she hung up the phone:"well that was the most uncomfortable situation ive ever been in. shes not a friendly person."

 

no wonder she doesnt have many friends. my boyfriends mom is one of the nicest women you will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

 

 

so to recap, i had an amazing weekend with him and his family and cant wait until i can see him again. i dont think i can wait 5 weeks again (that wasnt long enough for my parents), but must walk carefully. like how i cant see friends hardly more than once a week without a problem, im "too dependent", they say, if i see my boyfriend once every month or two. and we only live 2 hrs apart.

 

he is wonderful for staying with me, if thats not love i dont know what is.

i love this man and i wont give up and become as miserable as my family, over reasons that now i realize are rediculous, not just to me and my friends and my friends' families.... but to a score of listeners on the internet! ill keep you updated on my lifes obscurity.

[Midnight Magic]

Their attitude really sickens me, because I have been there.

You tell them what are they going to do if and when their car falls apart and they have to walk their sorry *^% asses to places where they want to go, all because " A MECHANIC" has to fix their car. Tell your family to take their car to a white collared man and repair it. He would not have a clue, and I am not offending anyone here.

I am just trying to make a statement here.

 

My boyfriend is a truck driver and I love him and is very proud of him.

My family is not so loving towards him and who cares.

 

Did you know that truck drivers are responsible for bringing goods and services to your town and city.

Who brings you your groceries, your television set, your health supplies.

YUP a blue collar worker.

 

This attitude really sickens me.

MY family can go to hell for all I care.

I love him and I have to live with him, so as long as he treats me the way that he does, I will be forever with him.

 

I had an ex-about ten years ago that used to beat me black and blue, and was unemployed, I never told my family that he was abusive, even though they had their beliefs, and they thought he was great, so go figure that one out.

 

It is your life, do not let anyone try and tell you any different.

You go home and you love your mechanic the way that you do.

Everyone else's thoughts and opinions, do not matter nor count.

I wish you all the best.

[kablam]

thanks and im glad youve found a wonderful person too- and i see ours have a knack for motor jobs. one thing they have that my parents and family do not- job security. there will always be cars to fix, and for you there will always be materials to supply, and as time goes on there will only be more of each in our fickle economy.

 

around here at least the bigshot companies are being taken out, my best friend since i was 2 yrs old moved yesterday from central new york to georgia because of it. you all know the economy, i dont have to talk about its patterns and discouragements lately.

 

beyond that i dont know why they still dont accept him, i was just yelled at for talking to him on the phone for an hour. one hour. my parents made me hang up the phone, saying im "obsessed" because i spent the weekend with his family, and that should be enough. they said, "so whens the next time ull be seeing him? u talk w him enough. your dependency on him is sickening." again this weekend was the first time in 5 weeks i have seen him, and the next time will be in 9weeks. and tonites the 1st time weve talked since we said gbye at the train yesterday at 6. they have a hard time with me talking to him on the phone a couple times a week, they say its too much. and theyre not even paying for the calls.

 

he speaks well, is a charmer, dresses wonderfully- too preppy to be passed off as a mechanic to the naked eye! clean cut and handsome, manneristic, a true gentleman (always holds the door, nearly always pays, and even pulls out chairs for me, and makes sure that if theres a puddle, i dont step in it), moraled& valued, amazing healthy and valued upbringing, treats me no less than a princess and never has said one mean word to me since we met 2 yrs ago, is a wonder with children and wants 8 of his own, has his life figured out, doesnt do drugs, will be 22 and rarely drinks at all, doesnt curse and if he does so around me he apologizes- i mean this boy was sent to me from heaven. in the year 2004 being 20 yrs old, in this generation, where values are missing and the worlds fixiated on sex and partying til your 30... theres no way i can let him go. hes my best friend and my everything, and ive never been happier and no one has found better that i know- even married couples tell me that who know him- i am a lucky girl. some people never find a guy like that- and here i am with one at 20.

 

we both knew it was love on our second date, but never had the courage to admit that to one another out of fear for several months afterwards... in fear that we had both found something too good for our age- that this shouldnt happen, it was too good to be true.

 

our second date was unreal. fairytale good. once upon a time, he took me to the state capital plaza, because i had never been. he said it would be boring, just a bunch of biuldings, sculptures and reflecting pools. sounded great to me. we stepped out of the car and were surprised because we saw lightning in the sky, and decided we wanted to watch the storm from the highest viewpoint on the capital plaza- sitting on the state museum balcony over the hudson- but the lightning wasnt exactly lighting that we thought we saw- and were corrected by a homeless looking man with a suitcase walking past the car. "that aint no lightning," he said, "thats fireworks!" it was a huge fireworks show over the hudson river- and we were the only ones to witness it, like a dream. the only ones watching the fireworks on the whole nys capital plaza, besides the homeless man who had followed us up the giant staircase and onto the balcony, standing behind us playing the saxaphone that was hidden in his suitcase, and disappearing without letting us thank him when the fireworks had ended. the fireworks and the saxaphone man played some kind of magic just for us that night, and literaly it was perfect. like clockwork the fireworks ended and the rain began, the kind of rain that hits you and your soaked instantaneously. running around the plaza reflecting pools in the rainstorm, kicking and throwing water at eachother for an hour, we fell in love. and hopefully this feeling will lead me to a happily ever after.

 

i wont have my parents ruin this. maybe i should write a book.

 

and on this note you now know how perfect he is. and just how determend i am to keep him in my life, when my parents threaten to take him away from it.

 

i say goodnite and thank you for listening, again.

[lnichols]

What's wrong with mechanics? My ex is a mechanic and he still works on my cars. That was the only thing I missed about breaking up with him. There is something to be said about having someone around who can take care of things like that. And they do very well financially. And since the two of you love each other, then what's the big deal? I say love your gear head! You deserve to be happy.

[kablam]

theres nothing wrong with mechanics, frankly i love it greasy bf in a uniform? mm mmm! plus its his passion and hes so good at it- helps everyone and more with anything beyond cars that needs fixing. including everything i own for that matter. its just my parents dont think hes good enough for me, they call him a "drop out" and a "gas pumper" to his face. its really mean. they dont understand he does make a ton of $ and that he could support me, if it came to that. but its not like im not getting a job! im in school to be a teacher. as long as im employed and can support myself, why should it matter who im with or what they do?

 

my parents are stuck with the idea that if u havent gone to a 4yr school and gotta at least a bachelors, youre a nobody. its very snobby and since most of my friends and family are at ivy leagues, they figure im "missing out".

 

but frankly theres a lot in their relationship theyre missing out on, i wouldnt consider them the happiest couple. they dont even hug. its like their marriage is like business. its weird- so when they see me holding hands even with my boyfriend, they get furious and very uncomfortable. they are really very strange about things like that.

[tiki]

maybe they are really, really jealous?

[lnichols]

I actually read this poll in some Cosmo-type mag and it ranked auto mechanics as some of the best lovers. Ahh! The joy of working with your hands! I go for the guys who have those kinds of jobs. It takes a LOT in intelligence to do that job, too. Mechanics are very analytical thinkers. You have to be! So despite the fact that your BF didn't go to a four year school, he's smart enough to fit in with any family. I'll bet that if your mom's car wouldn't start, she'd appreciate him soon enough! Gas pumper indeed!

[fredrolin]

Falling in love and finding someone you are compatible with is a rare thing in my eyes.

 

Doctors, lawyers, etc. can also be cheaters, abusers, or have every flaw or worse flaws then a car mechanic.

 

I can also see your parents side. My daughter is only 8 but I want the best for her too. But I also want her to be in love and be happy, not marry a man for his money or social status.

 

Stay with the car mechanic. If you listen to your parents you will be sorry in the long run.

[kablam]

haha i doubt it. they wont even listen to how happy i am. how could be jealous of something they dont even take time to understand?

 

all i know is theyre really, really, really insane!

 

because i wanted to visit my school girlfriends for the 4th this weekend, they told me tonight to look for other arrangements for next summer, because im not welcome back home. just for that. strange? they still arent speaking to me. its all very childish, really. but im glad they called the shots intstead of me, id be more than happy to live on my own next summer.

 

and update: my boyfriend just bought a brand new car and got a raise. eat that, m&d. hope their materialistic needs are fulfilled now. i really dont care, but maybe itll give the kid some brownie points.

[kablam]

inichols- im going to look for that article now! word from experience: most definately true in all respects. i equate a great lover beyond what most people would associate "lover" with- sex- but to me its more than that. its finding someone who, even doing absolutely nothing with, like lookin gout a window, is romantic just the way he holds you. someone who knows exactly how to touch your hand when your mind is in another place, but he knows exactly what youre thinking. a good lover, like my mechanic, will come to your dorm on his lunchbreak with a boquet of flowers and a pint of orange juice every time you dont feel well. every time.

 

and with the analytical thinker- all i can say is without his tutoring, i wouldnt have made it through a few courses in college the past couple years.

 

fredrolin- i respect my parents wishes for the best for me, and can also see their side. its normal to present their worries to me but not in such a severe way. taking me out of school with the only excuse being, "if he has 2 years in college, youll only have 2 years in college. you dont deserve more if this is how youre going to settle", and hearing that even the 1st month into dating the guy, is rediculous. and im glad to hear you also wish the best for your daughter. but promise me youll let her find that out on her own!! my parents problem was intimidating me growing up, and i dated rarely because of the constant fear of them over my shoulders. mom has a terrible habit of sitting in the stairway listening to my phone conversations, or picking up a phone and listening in. in fact she did it tonight, haha, and now im in trouble for telling a roommate about how mom wont let me back home next summer. and youre right, i shouldnt let go of something this good, for obviously the wrong reason to give it up.

[Mr Spock]

Honestly, they sound very much like some of the families from India that I have known. Very controlling, and very religious, and very strict. Not ALL are like that, I'm not making a generalization. YOu really need to do some serious soul searching here and determine what is important to you. If they were my family I'd finish college and move the hell away from them.

[kablam]

sounds good, since they dont want me around anyways. i overheard m&d talking about it last night- they think im going to finish college, pack up and leave 1st thing- and the way things are going, of course thats my plan. everyone around me- friend and family and friends' families- dont know why i havent already. ive been offered tons of places to stay, but im waiting to just be able to be on my own.

 

theyve biult a wall and i cant take it down by myself.

 

still, its going to be 2 more years of misery until im graduated and have enough money to support myself. but itll be worth it...

[lnichols]

Tell me what the deal was with your friends again???? Is this because of your BF? Really???? Friends should stick with you no matter what. Tell me what they said. I hope you have other more supportive friends you can count on. Let me know about this weekend. I'm real curious.

[sami]

If you really believe he is the right person for you just take it easy and try to win your mom's support first. Then both of you will start working on your dad. Either he will agree or else he should understand that he has no right to decide for you. Anyway, depending on where your parents are originally coming from makes it easy or harder. However, do not give up. If there is a will there is a way. Good luck and keep us informed. You are not alone. You have your LS friends and buddies.

[kablam]

thanks- unfortunately both parents are equally dissappointed in me, and my mom is more naive and thickheaded than dad. so its an uphill battle here. he wants to come out this weekend because its the last time we'll be able to see each other all summer, due to busy schedules and work. he said he doesnt mind staying in a hotel... if he cant stay here. how should i bring it up to my parents? they're going to kill me for seeing him again (4rd and last time all summer- all 4 months of it!)...

 

and my friends didnt do anything wrong. my schoolfriends love him and he treats them like gold, is always there to make them smile even on their worst day. and my friends here unfortunately dont know him as well because hes hardly in town because of my parents, and so im sure they are sick of hearing about it because they dont really know him. but theyve been very supportive, as have their families- who let him stay at their homes and always offer for him to stay if he needs a place. it hasnt come to that this summer, i dont sneak around my parents anymore. it only happened like twice anyways.

 

visited my college roommates and friends this weekend for the 4th- parents werent happy i went of course, made me feel like a terrible person for "not being with the family for the 4th", didnt talk to me from the day i told them to the day i left. My college friends were so happy to see "****er" (thats the name he's been coined with from them- like from Meet the Parents), because he never fails to make a smile on everyones face. so we were able to see each other for a bit, but i was really there to see my friends. but every time we can see each other is a blessing, really, and we take advantage of it.

[sami]

Don't you have anyone you really trust who can convince your parents about him. You need a person on your side to uplift this heavy load from your shoulders or at least share it with you. For sure you can not work it out yourself alone. This type of social problems needs a whole team of friends and supporters to work it out. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have some of my friends who have been there before. It worked well at the end for a few of them. Never give up but be nice with your parents. I don't want you to loose them at all. Try to win at least one of them to your side as step one in your long journey.