Should I stay or go?

[donitarose]

I don't know if my problem is as big as some of the issues that I've read on this forum but for me it's huge so I hope someone can take the time to give me advice.

 

I'm in a relationship for almost 5 years now and the last year has been very, very rocky. My boyfriend has always been not much of a talker, always keeping his feelings to himself and not very talkative period. He's just this calm and sweet guy and that's what made me fall for him. After 3 years we moved in together and that's when reality hit me. Always guessing what he's thinking about/ of etc. As I said, the past year has been very tough. About a year ago, his dad got sick and he visited him (his dad lives abroad). He visited him for a couple of days and after three weeks he had to go back again because his dad had to go to surgery.

When my boyfriend left the second time, I found out that he was with this girl the first time he visited his dad. I had to find that out on Facebook, as the girl posted a picture of them together. When he came back home and I confronted him about it, he said that they did meet but nothing happened. I know this girl because that was his "friend", someone he knows but obviously doesn't hang out with as she lives abroad.

After he was home the crazyness started, she is very active online and has a blog and started writing short poems and posting pictures of them together, how much she misses him and loves him. This had so much impact on me regarding trust and to this day the trust is still gone.

I couldn't take it anymore so I contacted her via Facebook asking her what the deal was between them. She said the same, nothing happened between them and they're just friends, although she did develop a huge crush for him.

 

Months passed and I found out that they were emailing each other. His defense was that he never emailed her back and that she made up those emails. To me, she seemed pretty unstable, even though I thought it was weird I tried to let it go.

 

Again, months passed and I found out my boyfriend has profiles on dating sites, the oldest one was from 2010. Not just dating sites but "men looking for transsexuals" dating sites. It was like someone knocked me out with a baseball bat. Again he stated he has nothing to do with it. He claims that his ex-girlfriend (who really is a nutcase) is posting his pictures on dating sites to try and ruin him and our relationship. I want to believe that but there were some explicit photos taken with his phone so how did she get hold on of those? He claims that she is somewhat of a hacker and because he kept his files and photos on an online database, she was able to access it.

 

Besides these I have more horrible stories but these two are the major dealbreakers for me. I know every password he has, he gave it to me to prove that he has nothing to hide, but I am tired of having the feeling that I have to check on him all the time.

 

It's just so confusing and I just don't know what to do, it's driving me crazy! When I look at him I kind of feel that he's telling the truth but I have always chosen my mind over my heart. What if he's lying? I have been a real b*tch to him over the past months and now again, for the past couple of weeks. If he's not that into me anymore, why is he staying? And he tries his very best to make me laugh, communicate etc. but I just can't bear to talk for the 100th time again. I need proof of some kind but I know that's almost impossible. If I love him, I should trust him but I've never been someone who trusts someone blindly.

 

Can anybody please give me advice?

[Radu]

Apart from classifying your BF as a 'deviant' [quite some anger there] and the discussion that this rises [such vitriol], the above poster is pretty much spot on.

 

I mean seriously JAP, so much hatred against transexuals and the men who may find some of them attractive ... wow.

 

Other than that, his post is spot on OP ... there's just too much inconsistency in your BF and chances are he's lying.

And if he isn't [very doubtfull], you really want to deal with this drama ?

[donitarose]

Thank you for your reply. I wasn't being very clear, the two cases I told you about involves two different girls. The girl abroad is not his ex-girlfriend. The weird thing is that I confronted her via Facebook if she and my boyfriend kissed, had sex etc. in those couple of days they saw each other. But she replied that nothing happened and they were never alone. After that confrontation she continued to post on her blog about how much she misses him and loves him so to me that made no sense at all.

 

About the dating sites thing, I have been talking to him for more than a year now because that's something you have to be open about but he just keeps telling me that he didn't sign up for those accounts. It's also US dating sites and we live in Europe so again, I'm so confused.

 

Sometimes I think he's been lying to me and our relationship has been bad for more than a year now. I'm just so selfconscious and act like a real b*tch to him. We talk a lot about the stuff that has happened but I'm done talking about the past and hearing about how this affects him as much as me. I don't understand why, if he is doing stuff behind my back, why can't he just break it off with me? I'm Latina and believe me, my tantrums can go to the extreme.

 

If he's lying or unfaithful, why doesn't he just go and leave me? If I were him it would drive me crazy, we live together and a lot of times I treat him like hell so why is he even staying?