The villaine, the homewrecker, the whore...

[MMTFRA]

Hi everyone,

 

I never thought I would be posting on a thread like this, but I have found myself in such a situation...and I'm relieved and comforted to see the amount of support and experiences shared in this forum.

 

So let's do a quick rundown of my situation:

 

- "MM" (32 years old) is actually not married, but in a 10 year relationship with 1 year old son. They do not live in the same city, they see each other as a family about a week + weekend/month

 

- we were "seeing" each other from Sept 2011-Feb 2012...messaging literally all day and night, traveled together (including Brasil for NYE)

 

- the typical BS: "you know I'm not happy with her and you make me realize how happy I could be with you....I just have to be careful of how I leave her because of my son" (she keeps their son, as he travels quite a bit) "I will be in tournaments often, but I want you to come on the weekends so we can spend time together as much as possible"

 

- I lied to our mutual friends because I wanted to protect him...because I knew his son meant everything to him and I didn't want to put myself before his child.

 

I fell in love with him because he was such an amazing guy, treated me like a princess, and was always taking care of my needs before I could even think of them. He said that when I came back to France (I was back in the US waiting for my work visa), we would make dinner together at home and he wanted me to teach his son English. I envisioned a little family life with my perfect man. Mainly because he told me so often that he couldn't wait for me to be back and we would be like a real couple...that he would slowly separate from his girlfriend. Upon arriving back in Paris, I was confronted with a rude awakening. He changed his tune...saying she wanted to make a bigger effort because she realized things were not going well, and she was ready to do her part. For someone who said he invited people over just so he wouldn't have to pass time with her alone and that when they laid on opposite sides of the bed at night he thought of me, this was a bit surprising to say the least.

 

Feeling like I had been played like a silly, oblivious game...I asked his friend if he had ever done this with someone else and considering the sudden change of tide...what was the real situation between MM and his GF?? With no clear explanation from MM and no one to really turn to (how do you say 'I'm a hurt homewrecker' and get sympathy??), the emotional dam collapsed one night with the help of wine and I spilled the beans to another one of MM's friends.

 

They will not speak to me, though they speak to him. They have told me they are disappointed in me, I digust them, I betrayed everyone, and now after receiving apologetic texts from me...they ignore me. He sent a message on Skype a week ago saying he needed help finding a childcare solution during the time he trains (I work for a father-child aid organization) and that he came to my neighborhood (20 mins out of his way) to "hopefully run into you and to see you." No word from him since, except a phonecall (with his new number blocked) yesterday to say that he and his GF are trying to work things out and I needed to move on.

 

My apologies for being so long-winded, but as I said...I was relieved to find this sounding board because it has been hard to communicate my side of the story and to get advice from friends who have never been in this situation.

 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I think no contact with him is the obvious solution, but it kills me that everyone is blaming and judging me more so than him...even though he sought me out and slept with me prior to divulging his family situation. Any tips, advice, suggestions, etc. for a mistress scorned?

 

Thanks!

[hotchilenadd67]

You are not the only one at fault nor the main one to blame. He was deceptive and completely selfish in how he handled things. He had his good time with you but made sure he was covered when he went back with ex. Now you are left alone, broken, devastated, and friendless while he carries on happily with her. I'm so sorry you went thru this. Stay strong, and don't have any contact with him again. Keep as busy as you can. Cry your eyes out till there is notjimf left. Then pampered yourself till it passes.

[Summer Breeze]

Hi everyone,

 

I never thought I would be posting on a thread like this, but I have found myself in such a situation...and I'm relieved and comforted to see the amount of support and experiences shared in this forum.

 

So let's do a quick rundown of my situation:

 

- "MM" (32 years old) is actually not married, but in a 10 year relationship with 1 year old son. They do not live in the same city, they see each other as a family about a week + weekend/month

 

- we were "seeing" each other from Sept 2011-Feb 2012...messaging literally all day and night, traveled together (including Brasil for NYE)

 

- the typical BS: "you know I'm not happy with her and you make me realize how happy I could be with you....I just have to be careful of how I leave her because of my son" (she keeps their son, as he travels quite a bit) "I will be in tournaments often, but I want you to come on the weekends so we can spend time together as much as possible"

 

- I lied to our mutual friends because I wanted to protect him...because I knew his son meant everything to him and I didn't want to put myself before his child.

 

I fell in love with him because he was such an amazing guy, treated me like a princess, and was always taking care of my needs before I could even think of them. He said that when I came back to France (I was back in the US waiting for my work visa), we would make dinner together at home and he wanted me to teach his son English. I envisioned a little family life with my perfect man. Mainly because he told me so often that he couldn't wait for me to be back and we would be like a real couple...that he would slowly separate from his girlfriend. Upon arriving back in Paris, I was confronted with a rude awakening. He changed his tune...saying she wanted to make a bigger effort because she realized things were not going well, and she was ready to do her part. For someone who said he invited people over just so he wouldn't have to pass time with her alone and that when they laid on opposite sides of the bed at night he thought of me, this was a bit surprising to say the least.

 

Feeling like I had been played like a silly, oblivious game...I asked his friend if he had ever done this with someone else and considering the sudden change of tide...what was the real situation between MM and his GF?? With no clear explanation from MM and no one to really turn to (how do you say 'I'm a hurt homewrecker' and get sympathy??), the emotional dam collapsed one night with the help of wine and I spilled the beans to another one of MM's friends.

 

They will not speak to me, though they speak to him. They have told me they are disappointed in me, I digust them, I betrayed everyone, and now after receiving apologetic texts from me...they ignore me. He sent a message on Skype a week ago saying he needed help finding a childcare solution during the time he trains (I work for a father-child aid organization) and that he came to my neighborhood (20 mins out of his way) to "hopefully run into you and to see you." No word from him since, except a phonecall (with his new number blocked) yesterday to say that he and his GF are trying to work things out and I needed to move on.

 

My apologies for being so long-winded, but as I said...I was relieved to find this sounding board because it has been hard to communicate my side of the story and to get advice from friends who have never been in this situation.

 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I think no contact with him is the obvious solution, but it kills me that everyone is blaming and judging me more so than him...even though he sought me out and slept with me prior to divulging his family situation. Any tips, advice, suggestions, etc. for a mistress scorned?

 

Thanks!

 

If it were me in that situation I'd send a NC email to him. I'd copy her in on it and if you have any of his friends email addresses maybe them as well. I'd let them know the full situation and exactly his role played. I'd out everything about the A. If you have any proof of it then let them know you're happy to share it if they wish to see it. Keep it totally unemotional and know in your mind and heart that you will probably get some incoming from it and that he has probably painted you as some stalker and put the blame on you. Accept that and when you get the emails calling you all the bad names they know---delete them. If anyone cares for the truth provide it.

 

YOU instigate NC. YOU take control of the situation. It's not easy but you have the right to defend yourself and say your peace. Do not be hysterical and do not respond to anything other than if anyone wants the truth. It will be hurtful but at least you will be doing it on your terms and letting him know you're no pushover. He may be able to gaslight his GF and all of his buddies but let him know you're not his victim.

 

Think of the consequences. They could out you to friends and relatives, or maybe your workplace. Make sure you think about what could happen if you do but I would stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may.

[MMTFRA]

Thanks so much for the replies and encouragement...it means so much right now! SummerBreeze, I have really been back and forth on that. I have a TON of messages, videos, and photos from him...including the Skype messages from last week. I know he has said horrible things about me to cover himself and while I want to put him on blast with proof of our past exchanges, part of me also wants to be dignified and remain silent...hoping that will speak volumes in itself.

 

Will my side actually be heard...or will I look like a crazy and bitter ex-lover? This is the debate! Thank you again for your messages. It has been a rough ride and at last I feel I can breathe because someone understands me.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks so much for the replies and encouragement...it means so much right now! SummerBreeze, I have really been back and forth on that. I have a TON of messages, videos, and photos from him...including the Skype messages from last week. I know he has said horrible things about me to cover himself and while I want to put him on blast with proof of our past exchanges, part of me also wants to be dignified and remain silent...hoping that will speak volumes in itself.

 

Will my side actually be heard...or will I look like a crazy and bitter ex-lover? This is the debate! Thank you again for your messages. It has been a rough ride and at last I feel I can breathe because someone understands me.

 

I understand what you're saying and appreciate it. I think the key is how you do it. I wouldn't throw out all sorts of emails, photos and videos to anyone but I would put out a very unemotional and curt email stating that if she chooses to hear what you have to say you're more than willing to share it with her. She probably won't. She'll want so desperately to believe him that she probably will. What you are accomplishing is offering to speak to her and doing right by you. What she does with that is totally up to her. At that point then you become silent. You don't ever speak to him and you only speak to her if she wants the proof.

 

I completely understand if you don't. It's tough to put yourself out there but I'm the type of person that tends to not back down. No matter what you do just take care of yourself and don't forget how horribly he's treated you. Don't buckle and don't give him an inch.

[nofool4u]

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I think no contact with him is the obvious solution, but it kills me that everyone is blaming and judging me more so than him...even though he sought me out and slept with me prior to divulging his family situation. Any tips, advice, suggestions, etc. for a mistress scorned?

 

Thanks!

 

Your friends understandably are disgusted with you, but they should also be disgusted with him as well. Maybe you just found out who your true friends are, or aren't now.

 

As far as advice for a mistress scorned? You should have known that if he is a cheater that you can't believe a word out of his mouth. And since you had no problem helping him betray his gf, then the only advice I have is to get some new friends, forget him and move on, learning the lesson to not get involved with a committed man in the future, because they are cheating which makes them liars by default.

 

 

Will my side actually be heard...or will I look like a crazy and bitter ex-lover?

 

 

You will sound like the bitter x-lover. So best to just move on. Because if you protest too much, since you were helping to betray his gf, I imagine alot of people, if you try to tell your side will say, "really??"

Edited May 9, 2012 by nofool4u

[MMTFRA]

Well ladies, it's a done deal. NC e-mail sent to the cheater, apology and Dropbox link to messages sent to cheater's friend and whose blacklist I am at the top of. I guess I will either be vilified even more or he will see how cheater worked his manipulative magic and have a small ounce of pity for me!

[Summer Breeze]

Well ladies, it's a done deal. NC e-mail sent to the cheater, apology and Dropbox link to messages sent to cheater's friend and whose blacklist I am at the top of. I guess I will either be vilified even more or he will see how cheater worked his manipulative magic and have a small ounce of pity for me!

 

Now it doesn't matter what he does. You've done what you needed to do to stand up for yourself. I'm not of the opinion an OW or OM should have to take being badmouthed from the MP without responding. I agree there's no denying what they're doing to their partner (M or not) but it doesn't mean you have to be treated the same. I would have sent it to his gf as well but at least you've let his friend know and stood your ground. What he does with the information is up to him.

 

Now you walk away and you leave them to it. He created the mess and then he tried to create a further mess around you. Did you participate---yes you did, but it doesn't give him the right to treat you as he has. You're sending that message out. Now gracefully depart unless the gf wants more information and to talk to you directly. Do not talk to your xAP or his friend. They're not worth it and you don't need to getting into a slagging match with them. If she wants to talk to you then I would. I don't believe in shying away from the BS. Be honest but do not use this as a platform to hurt her or make yourself feel better. Be honest. You know how hurt you are for having been thrown under the bus. Remember she was there before you were and she didn't even know it.

 

I'm really pleased you did what you did. Keep us posted.

[woinlove]

Well ladies, it's a done deal. NC e-mail sent to the cheater, apology and Dropbox link to messages sent to cheater's friend and whose blacklist I am at the top of. I guess I will either be vilified even more or he will see how cheater worked his manipulative magic and have a small ounce of pity for me!

 

I hope this brings you what you need to start on the path of moving on. You didn't really explain exactly what MM's friend was so upset about and whether it was breaking the code of secrecy by confiding in him or your role in the A. If the former, this latest action may make him even more negative on you, whereas if the latter, he may examine his friend in a new light, but he may not. I hope your circle of friends is not so intertwined that it matters much, since you say he is MM's friend. Even cheaters (as you refer to him) often have friends who stick with them and it really doesn't matter what they think of you. I hope you have your own friends who stick by you and help you too.

 

If your friends are all intertwined, then that is a much rougher situation and, sadly, in that case a loss of friends is sometimes a fallout of infidelity, sometimes with no sense of fairness or justice as to who behaved well or not. I hope that isn't your case.

 

Good luck with NC.

[SteppingStones]

Well ladies, it's a done deal. NC e-mail sent to the cheater, apology and Dropbox link to messages sent to cheater's friend and whose blacklist I am at the top of. I guess I will either be vilified even more or he will see how cheater worked his manipulative magic and have a small ounce of pity for me!

 

MM, I'm really sorry you felt the need to put yourself through further pain by doing the above:(

 

I don't think anything good will come of this for you. Please, prepare yourself for backlash.

[MMTFRA]

Wow, I didn't expect such backlash...but I'll take it and accept it. Though I sent the links to my Dropbox folder containing the messages, I removed the folder this morning...rendering the links useless.

 

I do not think it is fair that he has badmouthed me to save his own reputation and I really want my side heard, but realized airing all the dirty laundry wasn't the best and most mature way to go about it.

 

kristismiles: "I'm sorry you feel you are getting the short end, but honest people just don't always respect women that will come between a man with a wife and one year old child. THEY ARE OFF LIMITS."

 

So when he said he was in the process of separating from her and manipulated me into believing this....how is one to know that they are still very much together and "are off limits"?? I don't carry around a lie detector test and didn't have a hidden camera installed in his home, so I'm sorry that I was stupid and naive enough to fall for his lies.

[woinlove]

Wow, I didn't expect such backlash...but I'll take it and accept it. Though I sent the links to my Dropbox folder containing the messages, I removed the folder this morning...rendering the links useless.

 

I do not think it is fair that he has badmouthed me to save his own reputation and I really want my side heard, but realized airing all the dirty laundry wasn't the best and most mature way to go about it.

 

kristismiles: "I'm sorry you feel you are getting the short end, but honest people just don't always respect women that will come between a man with a wife and one year old child. THEY ARE OFF LIMITS."

 

So when he said he was in the process of separating from her and manipulated me into believing this....how is one to know that they are still very much together and "are off limits"?? I don't carry around a lie detector test and didn't have a hidden camera installed in his home, so I'm sorry that I was stupid and naive enough to fall for his lies.

 

MMTFRA, you are trying to go NC and I'm sure you would like to detach from this situation after all that has happened, so I don't want to give you a hard time. However, part of detaching and moving on will be acknowledging your role so that you can learn and make choices in the future which make you happy and leave you feeling good about yourself.

 

For that, I would say the statement that he talked about thinking about you while lying in bed with his W (or SO) is something to think about - even if he described it as opposite sides of the bed. The key is IN BED WITH HER. When a MM is trying to present himself as available to you, they usually don't present such an obvious red flag as being in bed with his W.

 

I've BTDT with a MM saying he was separated, and I think a good rule of thumb is NOT to assume that separated means the same as single and available to begin a committed R with you if things move in that direction.

 

I agree his badmouthing you is unfair. But the point is what are you going to do about it? Unless you feel you are closer to this friend than he is, I doubt trying to sway the mind of his friend will help. Going NC, spending time with people you know you can count on, like family or close friends to you that are not split by bonds to MM too, focussing on healing yourself and learning from this -- those are good, positive things to do.

[KathyM]

Wow, I didn't expect such backlash...but I'll take it and accept it. Though I sent the links to my Dropbox folder containing the messages, I removed the folder this morning...rendering the links useless.

 

I do not think it is fair that he has badmouthed me to save his own reputation and I really want my side heard, but realized airing all the dirty laundry wasn't the best and most mature way to go about it.

 

kristismiles: "I'm sorry you feel you are getting the short end, but honest people just don't always respect women that will come between a man with a wife and one year old child. THEY ARE OFF LIMITS."

 

So when he said he was in the process of separating from her and manipulated me into believing this....how is one to know that they are still very much together and "are off limits"?? I don't carry around a lie detector test and didn't have a hidden camera installed in his home, so I'm sorry that I was stupid and naive enough to fall for his lies.

"In the process of separating" means they are still together. Don't hook up with a man until you are sure he is separated. Cheaters so often use that tired old line that he is in the process of separating, or on his way out of the relationship, or working on getting his plans to separate in order, or some other nonsense to keep your hopes up and your bedroom door open. Don't fall for those lines. Guys like that are off limits until you are certain they are separated, and you don't just take his word for it that they are separated. You verify. (Although, if a guy propositions you while still living with someone, you'd be wise to reject him even after he separates, since he's shown himself to be a man of poor character by propositioning you while still together with his gf). I think the Email you sent should have gone to the betrayed gf, not his other friends. Now do yourself a favor and walk away from this. NC with that guy. He's scum, and you've allowed yourself to be sucked into his cesspool. Time to walk away and not degrade yourself any more than you already have. Sending Emails to his friends was not a good plan, and does make you come off as the scorned and bitter OW. One more Email--to his gf, so she can make plans to protect herself from him, and then NC would be my suggestion. Don't involve the friends any further.

[woinlove]

Just wanted to add to my above post, that you also said you had to lie to friends about the two of you in order to protect him. That is another clear sign that he was not free and not being open and honest. I suspect you think in hindsight that lying for him was a mistake that didn't do yourself any favors. Again, I think you can benefit from coming to understand why you made that choice so that you can make less painful choices in the future.

[MMTFRA]

Obviously now I am more aware of the red flags, but keep in mind I had one serious relationship before this catastrophe...so you live, you learn. Also, when you are emotionally involved...you are blind to things that are so clear and obvious from an objective point of view.

 

Lastly, I sent a message and the links to one person. I apologized for my part, said I would like for him to understand the entire situation but know that he is disappointed in me, included the links and sent it to this ONE person. I also asked him to not share it because I did not want anyone involved to be hurt any further.

 

I still think I deserve to be heard and sympathized with because afterall, I was deceived, betrayed, disrespected and hurt as well.

[KathyM]

Obviously now I am more aware of the red flags, but keep in mind I had one serious relationship before this catastrophe...so you live, you learn. Also, when you are emotionally involved...you are blind to things that are so clear and obvious from an objective point of view.

 

Lastly, I sent a message and the links to one person. I apologized for my part, said I would like for him to understand the entire situation but know that he is disappointed in me, included the links and sent it to this ONE person. I also asked him to not share it because I did not want anyone involved to be hurt any further.

 

I still think I deserve to be heard and sympathized with because afterall, I was deceived, betrayed, disrespected and hurt as well.

You have a right to feel misled and disrespected, but in all honesty, you knew he was still together with his family at the time you entered into a relationship with him, so you really have to own part of the blame for this fiasco. For your own sake, as well as others, don't get involved with a taken man until you have verified that he is separated. Don't take his word for it either.

[Summer Breeze]

You have a right to feel misled and disrespected, but in all honesty, you knew he was still together with his family at the time you entered into a relationship with him, so you really have to own part of the blame for this fiasco. For your own sake, as well as others, don't get involved with a taken man until you have verified that he is separated. Don't take his word for it either.

 

She can own her part in it without sitting back and letting her xMM berate and victimize her. She's right. She does deserve to be heard. Your last line is the sad key to all potential Rs nowadays. Maybe it was so easy in my 20s because there were so many single people all over the place and everything was so innocent and new. Seems muddy now!

[Summer Breeze]

Wow, I didn't expect such backlash...but I'll take it and accept it. Though I sent the links to my Dropbox folder containing the messages, I removed the folder this morning...rendering the links useless.

Whenever there are multiple people involved there's gonna be opinions and backlash! Many think OW should just take it and not respond. I don't. I think you have a right to say your peace just like everyone else. You have a right to instigate NC with the WS and BS. Not everyone feels that way.

 

I do not think it is fair that he has badmouthed me to save his own reputation and I really want my side heard, but realized airing all the dirty laundry wasn't the best and most mature way to go about it.

When I suggested you write a NC message I did say to keep it short and curt. Offer that you had the proof if she wanted to see it and let it go. I wouldn't have sent links to anything. It looks like you deleted them anyway so I would assume no harm on that one.

 

kristismiles: "I'm sorry you feel you are getting the short end, but honest people just don't always respect women that will come between a man with a wife and one year old child. THEY ARE OFF LIMITS."

 

So when he said he was in the process of separating from her and manipulated me into believing this....how is one to know that they are still very much together and "are off limits"?? I don't carry around a lie detector test and didn't have a hidden camera installed in his home, so I'm sorry that I was stupid and naive enough to fall for his lies.

Sadly there are a whole lot more liars out there than I ever imagined. Internet dating is rife with them. I'd give up on humanity if I wasn't so nosey and sociable! Just don't trust easily again. When you start getting close you start pushing to see his space. If he's standoffy then you have problems.

 

 

I think you did fine. Like I said before you'll hear from them so be prepared. Delete unless she wants to talk to you or see the proof.

[KathyM]

She can own her part in it without sitting back and letting her xMM berate and victimize her. She's right. She does deserve to be heard. Your last line is the sad key to all potential Rs nowadays. Maybe it was so easy in my 20s because there were so many single people all over the place and everything was so innocent and new. Seems muddy now!

The damage has already been done. There is nothing to be gained by the OP contacting the MMs friends. What good will that do? She will only come across as a scorned and bitter OW. Best to walk away from it at this point, and go NC with the MM.

 

I don't think dating/relationship boundaries are any different no matter what your age. It's never OK to get involved in a relationship with a man who is still living with his SO. And that information can be found out pretty easily no matter what your age. The OP knew he was still living with his family. That should be a boundary that is not crossed, no matter what the age when dating. If anything, women who are older should be more savy in detecting these users and cheaters, and not be so gullible in falling for a line that the guy is "in the process of separating".

[Summer Breeze]

The damage has already been done. There is nothing to be gained by the OP contacting the MMs friends. What good will that do? She will only come across as a scorned and bitter OW. Best to walk away from it at this point, and go NC with the MM.

I won't belabor the point but I disagree. The damage has been done and in trying to control it the MM threw her under the bus and evidently has made it known to friends. She has every right to tell her side of the story. She will not come across as scorned if she simply tells her side and does it in the midst of a NC letter. Why should she have to sit quietly while someone else runs her through the mill. I'm happy to agree to disagree with you.

 

I don't think dating/relationship boundaries are any different no matter what your age. It's never OK to get involved in a relationship with a man who is still living with his SO. And that information can be found out pretty easily no matter what your age. The OP knew he was still living with his family. That should be a boundary that is not crossed, no matter what the age when dating. If anything, women who are older should be more savy in detecting these users and cheaters, and not be so gullible in falling for a line that the guy is "in the process of separating".

I wasn't discussing the boundaries of dating/relationships. I was making a comment that when I was in my 20s it was easier because so many people were legitimately single. As a woman in my mid 50s I find it pretty tough because there are so many that aren't single and that have no problem lying about it. You may think it's easy to find that information but if someone chooses to lie or hold information back sometimes it's not that cut and dry. My experiences anyway.

 

My responses in bold.

[MMTFRA]

So Kathy you feel I'm just supposed to melt away into the backdrop and assume the pain and hurt I feel without defending my character?! I am just as much of a victim as she is, as we were both lied to and led on in this fantasy double life of his. You can make me sound manipulative, ruthless, heartless and as disrespectful as you want...but I will not simply let him spout off at the mouth about me in order to downplay his role is this fiasco. HE sought me out and did not divulge his family details until weeks after we first slept together. And to be blunt, if your SO is having the OW at your house and in your bed, traveling with her, talking all day and night to her....you have to ask yourself: where the gel was I and why did he have to go elsewhere to be satisfied?! I am NOT saying his cheating is validated. I'm just saying stop making SO the poor victim and OW the villain seductress. Also keep in mind that I live in France and relationship etiquette is a bit different here. I personally don't think ONE person can satisfy your every need for your entire life. However, I do think you should remain honest about it and I told him that. Specifically, "we could have kept seeing each other without commitment. But when you started saying I love you that you didnt want us to see other peor and you wanted us to be in a real relationship, this changed the dynamic of our affair"

 

 

Either way, I sent two apology messages owning up to mu role while maintaining that I was given the impression they were in the midst of separating and handling joint asset division. I agree that sending the links was rash and immature, but my side will be heard! I just have to think of the proper way to do it, and subtly.

[woinlove]

So Kathy you feel I'm just supposed to melt away into the backdrop and assume the pain and hurt I feel without defending my character?! I am just as much of a victim as she is, as we were both lied to and led on in this fantasy double life of his. You can make me sound manipulative, ruthless, heartless and as disrespectful as you want...but I will not simply let him spout off at the mouth about me in order to downplay his role is this fiasco. HE sought me out and did not divulge his family details until weeks after we first slept together. And to be blunt, if your SO is having the OW at your house and in your bed, traveling with her, talking all day and night to her....you have to ask yourself: where the gel was I and why did he have to go elsewhere to be satisfied?! I am NOT saying his cheating is validated. I'm just saying stop making SO the poor victim and OW the villain seductress. Also keep in mind that I live in France and relationship etiquette is a bit different here. I personally don't think ONE person can satisfy your every need for your entire life. However, I do think you should remain honest about it and I told him that. Specifically, "we could have kept seeing each other without commitment. But when you started saying I love you that you didnt want us to see other peor and you wanted us to be in a real relationship, this changed the dynamic of our affair"

 

 

Either way, I sent two apology messages owning up to mu role while maintaining that I was given the impression they were in the midst of separating and handling joint asset division. I agree that sending the links was rash and immature, but my side will be heard! I just have to think of the proper way to do it, and subtly.

 

I think you are too much focussed on you versus his SO. She should not be your focus and you really don't know much about her, because whatever MM may have said can't be taken as the truth without independent verification. She may have been completely blindsided. You say you have only had 1 other serious R, so you may have no idea what a 10 year R with a child is like, but usually trust is a huge component of such an R. Sadly, sometimes that trust is misplaced, but the SO may not have known that.

 

I think trying to compare yourself to the SO is just staying in the affair-mindset. and I think you will be happier trying to focus on healing, perhaps focus on what you did and did not do and how you would like to behave in the future if similar circumstances arise.

 

I may be misunderstanding your posts, because you argue that things are different in France and yet you said you lied to his friends to protect him. That sounds like pretty-USA-style infidelity. In any case, what is done is done. You now know more, can choose better.

[MMTFRA]

Well of course I'm more focused on myself than the SO! I won't deny that for a second. Afterall, I am human and this is still fresh for me too...there are still emotions sitting at the surface. But I know that I will be okay, that I can move on and rebuild my life. She, however, has already built her life with this man over the course of ten years. So because I can visualize this objectively, I do feel bad for her and I do regret that I played a part in hurting someone. But if I can be honest, right now I have to put myself first and look out for my own best interests.

 

I have no problem no seeing or speaking to him. He has some amazing qualities, but it's hard to trump being a lying, egotistical cheater. So I say good riddance and good luck to the SO! The aspect that I have trouble overcoming is that no one in that circle is speaking to me right now, I'm being bad mouthed and vilainized without the opportunity to explain.

 

I was not wrong in having the affair, because I was le to believe the situation was far different than it actually was. What I was terribly wrong for and I take complete blame for is lying and covering up for him. I expected him to be upfront with me about things, yet I didn't provide the same service or respect to those around us. My justification was that I took those measures to protect his son and their relationship. I know now it ws a grave mistake on my part, I have accepted and learned from it. Sometimes I get emotionally down because the people who used to appear on my call and texts lists on a daily basis...they haven't responded for weeks. I know it will take time, but I am impatient and feel shunned. At this point everything has been done to ask for pardoning, so I will keep mu head high and move forward!

[KathyM]

My responses in bold.

She should never have gotten the friends involved in this to begin with. She should not have continued the relationship with the MM after she found out that he was still living with his SO and child. But what's done is done. She told the friends through Email that she was led to believe he was leaving his SO. That doesn't exonerate her, though. They will still view her as someone who actively and knowingly had a relationship with a MM, since she continued the relationship knowing what his real status was. Apparently, they are choosing to ignore the fact that he went ahead with the relationship as well. Or maybe they do feel he was in the wrong also, but because the OP is getting some flack from them, she is feeling like she is the only one being blamed for it. But let's face it, they are both at fault, and she should not have continued the relationship when she found out he was still living with his SO.

 

It's rather a moot point right now anyway, whether she should tell the friends further details. She was the one who disclosed to two of their mutual friends that they were seeing each other. She now sent the letter to the friends trying to explain that she was misled by the MM. Nothing more needs to be said. Putting these friends in the middle of this any further and expecting them to choose sides is not the way to go IMO. It just furthers the drama, and as the OP said, they are not likely to have sympathy for a scorned OW anyway, since she continued the relationship after knowing his real status.

[wellwhynot]

Well of course I'm more focused on myself than the SO! I won't deny that for a second. Afterall, I am human and this is still fresh for me too...there are still emotions sitting at the surface. But I know that I will be okay, that I can move on and rebuild my life. She, however, has already built her life with this man over the course of ten years. So because I can visualize this objectively, I do feel bad for her and I do regret that I played a part in hurting someone. But if I can be honest, right now I have to put myself first and look out for my own best interests.

 

I have no problem no seeing or speaking to him. He has some amazing qualities, but it's hard to trump being a lying, egotistical cheater. So I say good riddance and good luck to the SO! The aspect that I have trouble overcoming is that no one in that circle is speaking to me right now, I'm being bad mouthed and vilainized without the opportunity to explain.

 

I was not wrong in having the affair, because I was le to believe the situation was far different than it actually was. What I was terribly wrong for and I take complete blame for is lying and covering up for him. I expected him to be upfront with me about things, yet I didn't provide the same service or respect to those around us. My justification was that I took those measures to protect his son and their relationship. I know now it ws a grave mistake on my part, I have accepted and learned from it. Sometimes I get emotionally down because the people who used to appear on my call and texts lists on a daily basis...they haven't responded for weeks. I know it will take time, but I am impatient and feel shunned. At this point everything has been done to ask for pardoning, so I will keep mu head high and move forward!

 

I'd like to address the part I've bolded.

With friends like that (who will badmouth you and vilify you) you dont really need enemies .

I'd take some time while you are healing and make some new friends who are loyal to you, who love and care about you for all of you, and accept the choices you make as a part of who you are. You deserve better friends than that.

Hang in there, that has to be very frustrating.