The villaine, the homewrecker, the whore...

[nofool4u]

So Kathy you feel I'm just supposed to melt away into the backdrop and assume the pain and hurt I feel without defending my character?!

 

Yes. Thats what you should do. Because you are defending the character of someone that isn't above sleeping with someone elses bf/husband, whatever he is.

If everyone is already disgusted with you, then it will be seen as you defending undefendable character.

 

 

I am just as much of a victim as she is

 

No, your not. You knew he was in a committed relationship. Also, she is not just a victim of him, but of you as well.

 

Does it suck that he played you and he is a cheating ahole? Absolutely. But a victim you are not.

 

 

as we were both lied to and led on in this fantasy double life of his.

 

You knew about his double life, there is the difference.

 

 

You can make me sound manipulative, ruthless, heartless and as disrespectful as you want...but I will not simply let him spout off at the mouth about me in order to downplay his role is this fiasco.

 

And I understand this part of your argument. He is a huge scumbag. He has no right to spout off at the mouth about anything. But like I said, if you step up to defend yourself, people are going to think, "really?"

 

And trust me, they aren't looking at him like a great guy. When a cheating jerk starts to talk trash about the affair partner, people realize that he is being a hypocrite. Trust me on that. And if they don't realize it, or don't care, then they aren't people who you should care about.

 

 

HE sought me out and did not divulge his family details until weeks after we first slept together.

 

When did this part enter the story? Your first post didn't sound like this is what happened at all.

Either way, once you found out, that is when you should have ended it.

 

 

And to be blunt, if your SO is having the OW at your house and in your bed, traveling with her, talking all day and night to her....you have to ask yourself: where the gel was I and why did he have to go elsewhere to be satisfied?!

 

Ah, more OW justification. Gotta love it.

 

 

I am NOT saying his cheating is validated.

 

Yes, you are.

 

 

Also keep in mind that I live in France and relationship etiquette is a bit different here. I personally don't think ONE person can satisfy your every need for your entire life.

 

You are arguing against yourself with this point. If you truly feel this way, then the OM's cheating is now understandable and you should have expected this.

 

 

Either way, I sent two apology messages owning up to mu role while maintaining that I was given the impression they were in the midst of separating and handling joint asset division. I agree that sending the links was rash and immature, but my side will be heard! I just have to think of the proper way to do it, and subtly.

 

Yes, your side will be heard, but as you wondered in another post, it isn't going to be well received. I am envisioning alot of rolled eyes.

[nofool4u]

I was not wrong in having the affair

 

There you have it folks.

 

 

because I was le to believe the situation was far different than it actually was.

 

The situation was, he was in a committed relationship that, according to you, was tantamount to being married. THAT was the situation.

[woinlove]

Well of course I'm more focused on myself than the SO! I won't deny that for a second. Afterall, I am human and this is still fresh for me too...there are still emotions sitting at the surface. But I know that I will be okay, that I can move on and rebuild my life. She, however, has already built her life with this man over the course of ten years. So because I can visualize this objectively, I do feel bad for her and I do regret that I played a part in hurting someone. But if I can be honest, right now I have to put myself first and look out for my own best interests.

 

I have no problem no seeing or speaking to him. He has some amazing qualities, but it's hard to trump being a lying, egotistical cheater. So I say good riddance and good luck to the SO! The aspect that I have trouble overcoming is that no one in that circle is speaking to me right now, I'm being bad mouthed and vilainized without the opportunity to explain.

 

I was not wrong in having the affair, because I was le to believe the situation was far different than it actually was. What I was terribly wrong for and I take complete blame for is lying and covering up for him. I expected him to be upfront with me about things, yet I didn't provide the same service or respect to those around us. My justification was that I took those measures to protect his son and their relationship. I know now it ws a grave mistake on my part, I have accepted and learned from it. Sometimes I get emotionally down because the people who used to appear on my call and texts lists on a daily basis...they haven't responded for weeks. I know it will take time, but I am impatient and feel shunned. At this point everything has been done to ask for pardoning, so I will keep mu head high and move forward!

 

Re the bolded, yes, I understand why that is painful and seems unfair. I don't know the details, don't know if these were his friends first, then yours, or if they have been both of your friends for a long time. Since you call them his friends and he has been with SO for 10 years, chances are they are her friends too. I also don't know what she knows and doesn't know. Maybe she knows enough to have asked her friends to shut you out. This sometimes happens when an affair is discovered and it may be done to try to protect the M, having what I've seen called "friends of the M". Long standing couples often operate as a "team" in this way. I'm sure infidelity throws a big monkey wrench in all that, but I suspect if they are determined to reconcile or to work harder on their R, then they are acting as a team in some ways, perhaps in many ways.

 

So, what may seem targeted at you could possibly be a preservation tactic for their R. Yes, that seems incredibly unfair to you, but when one is in a very long-standing R and is raising a young child together, that family unit can take a high priority, even when one of them has cheated.

 

But, as I said, I don't really know much about the friends you are referring to and who else they are friends of. Just trying to show you one possibility. Getting involved with a committed person sucks in all sorts of ways and this is one.

[KathyM]

So Kathy you feel I'm just supposed to melt away into the backdrop and assume the pain and hurt I feel without defending my character?! I am just as much of a victim as she is, as we were both lied to and led on in this fantasy double life of his. You can make me sound manipulative, ruthless, heartless and as disrespectful as you want...but I will not simply let him spout off at the mouth about me in order to downplay his role is this fiasco. HE sought me out and did not divulge his family details until weeks after we first slept together. And to be blunt, if your SO is having the OW at your house and in your bed, traveling with her, talking all day and night to her....you have to ask yourself: where the gel was I and why did he have to go elsewhere to be satisfied?! I am NOT saying his cheating is validated. I'm just saying stop making SO the poor victim and OW the villain seductress. Also keep in mind that I live in France and relationship etiquette is a bit different here. I personally don't think ONE person can satisfy your every need for your entire life. However, I do think you should remain honest about it and I told him that. Specifically, "we could have kept seeing each other without commitment. But when you started saying I love you that you didnt want us to see other peor and you wanted us to be in a real relationship, this changed the dynamic of our affair"

 

 

Either way, I sent two apology messages owning up to mu role while maintaining that I was given the impression they were in the midst of separating and handling joint asset division. I agree that sending the links was rash and immature, but my side will be heard! I just have to think of the proper way to do it, and subtly.

You Emailed the friends that you were led to believe he was leaving the relationship. That's really all you can do, and that's all you can say to "defend your character." Some will still see it that you actively and knowingly had an affair with a man who was living with his common law wife and child at the time, and most still see that as unethical behavior, even in France. To my knowledge, French people still consider having sex with a man who is living with his common law wife and child and keeping the wife in the dark about this arrangement as unethical behavior.

 

I don't agree that you are a victim here. The wife and child are. They are the ones who were kept in the dark about what the MM was doing, and their relationship was jeopardized. You knowingly continued the relationship after finding out he was still living with his wife and child. Sorry, but that's on you.

[MMTFRA]

woinlove, thanks for your post! Wow...I guess I haven't thought about it like that, the team work aspect. I certainly know now he is not someone I want to be with, so I have no interested in doing or saying things that would hinder them from reconciling and sorting out their issues. You put it in a way where I can almost accept the way I'm being treated because I would think my friends would do the same if the roles were reversed. Doesn't change the fact that it hurts and upsets me that I can't even have my say, but in tw grand scheme of things...I'm getting off lightly: not having my 10 yr relationship knocked on its side AND still being stuck with the jerk.

 

Thanks again for laying it out that way....I really appreciate your view point.

[Summer Breeze]

She should never have gotten the friends involved in this to begin with. She should not have continued the relationship with the MM after she found out that he was still living with his SO and child. But what's done is done. She told the friends through Email that she was led to believe he was leaving his SO. That doesn't exonerate her, though. They will still view her as someone who actively and knowingly had a relationship with a MM, since she continued the relationship knowing what his real status was. Apparently, they are choosing to ignore the fact that he went ahead with the relationship as well. Or maybe they do feel he was in the wrong also, but because the OP is getting some flack from them, she is feeling like she is the only one being blamed for it. But let's face it, they are both at fault, and she should not have continued the relationship when she found out he was still living with his SO.

 

It's rather a moot point right now anyway, whether she should tell the friends further details. She was the one who disclosed to two of their mutual friends that they were seeing each other. She now sent the letter to the friends trying to explain that she was misled by the MM. Nothing more needs to be said. Putting these friends in the middle of this any further and expecting them to choose sides is not the way to go IMO. It just furthers the drama, and as the OP said, they are not likely to have sympathy for a scorned OW anyway, since she continued the relationship after knowing his real status.

 

At no point did I say it exonnerated her.

 

I understand they are both at fault and that's exactly why I would have sent a NC letter myself just as I had advised---they are both at fault, not just her.

 

My past posts have covered everything else several times over so I'll stand behind my suggestion at the start and bow out gracefully.

[MMTFRA]

Before you take your bow Summer, thank you for being supportive. . It's so easy to paint a negative image of the OW...as if we have no feelings and purposely set out to hurt other women. The guilt and shame tears us down enough internally, we don't need others...especially other women...basically saying we're seductive, deceitful whores who don't deserve respect! I don't expect an outpouring of sympathy, but come on...!

 

Thank you again for acknowledging my wrongdoings and pointing them out in a non-judgemental way, but most of all for acknowledging that I am human, too.

[whichwayisup]

And what about your 10 year relationship? Can I ask why you risked so much and cheated on your partner?

[MMTFRA]

Is that question for me?? Because I have never been in a relationship for 10 years and in my previous relationship of four years, I was completely faithful.

[MMTFRA]

Hockeyfan, reread my posts and you will fin the answers to the questions you asked....I really don't have time to go back through all if it. Read my very first post in regards to their living situation and where is son was while he was texting, etc. Amazing how sometimes we're so busy excitedly crafting an attack on someone that we fail to pay attention.

 

I initially told TWO of his closest friends about the affair because upon realizing she found out and he started changing his tune, I wanted to know if this was a common thing for him and to get a better idea of her character and the situation from a source other than him. Wednesday I sent an explanation/apology msg with links to one friend, subsequently removing the files on the cloud server...thus leaving just the message. Then yesterday I decided I would not engage in this anymore and that I am going to politely close things out (I'm just the type who likes a clear close) and move on without discussing it further. So I sent an apology message to the other friend and at this point I'm done with it.

 

I will not be talking to MM, as I have no desire to. I will be moving forward with my chin up and not letting guilt and negativity drag me down. So hockeyfan, if you (or anyone else, for that matter) plan to attack my character and criticize me in a deconstructive way....please know that it will fall on deaf ears. There is a better way of getting the message across (read woinlove post).

 

I posted on here for advice and support because this is my first OW rodeo. You're lucky I posted my faults and I provided an outlet for your need to be negative and condescending. So before you harshly judge me, make sure you're perfect.

[whichwayisup]

Is that question for me?? Because I have never been in a relationship for 10 years and in my previous relationship of four years, I was completely faithful.

 

Sorry that's my mistake. I misread this quote by you I'm getting off lightly: not having my 10 yr relationship knocked on its side AND still being stuck with the jerk. I thought you were talking about yourself, but now I realize you were talking about him and his relationship.

[Summer Breeze]

No she doesn't deserve to be heard. There really is no defense to be heard. She knew he was married. She knew he still lived with his wife and one year old baby. What is it she deserves to say? I was deceived he said it was not a real marriage? He has a one year old. Wow that marriage crumbled quickly. Another case of a married man acting like a big baby because his wife has to devote some of her attention to their child instead of all him so he has to find that devotion elsewhere.

 

She needs to totally step out of the equation and leave him, his wife, his child and their friends alone and stop with the poor me act. Her actions, sleeping with a man who is married and still living with his wife and child, are what caused this. She could have said no. She could have said if you leave then we can talk.

 

Of course she has the right to be heard. Why should she allow someone, anyone, to say things about her without being able to defend herself? If someone starts lying about me I'm not putting up with it and I can't fathom anyone sitting quietly by while it happens.

 

Dispute the lie, offer further information if BS wants it, tell them you're going NC and not to be in touch unless it has to do with BS wanting further info. Then go and live your life.

 

RE the bolded. What caused this is a man who cheated on his BS. Period. She did not cause it---he did. She participated but he created it. There is one homewrecker and it's the man who lied to his BS. If he had said no (disregarding the fact he instigated etc) it would never have happened, no matter what the OPs actions were.

[MMTFRA]

Kristi, as I said...attacks on my character will fall on deaf ears. Because there seems to be a bit of confusion in regards to certain details, I will attempt to clear a few things up.

 

"No she doesn't deserve to be heard. There really is no defense to be heard. She knew he was married. She knew he still lived with his wife and one year old baby."

 

- Yes, I do deserve to be heard because I am a person first and foremost and I do deserve a certain amount of respect. When he flirted with me at the lounge, pursued me, and up until a few weeks after we had slept together and we in constant contact (phonecalls, intimate texts, etc.)...I did not know, did not have a clue, that he was involved with someone at all.

 

- They are NOT married, they do have a one year old child and co-own a house in our city. Since the death of her father two years ago, she lives three hours away in her hometown with their son (she took over the family business and refuses to move to Paris, despite the obvious strain on their relationship)...and comes here as I said, approximately ten days per month or less. So it's a bit difficult to say they "live" together.

 

"She could have said no. She could have said if you leave then we can talk."

 

- I DID say this...numerous times. And while you can sit there and criticize me for not cutting ties in a snap, emotions can make it very difficult to put the words into action. Put on top of that the fact that there is someone telling you they are separating and filling your ears (and ego) with sweet talk on a daily basis. In retrospect, it's clear as day....but it's a bit different when you are deep into the situation and there are emotions clouding your judgement.

 

"What exactly do you want people to know that you think will change their opinion?"

 

- I want them to know the things he said to me, in hopes that they will understand that I was brought into this situation unknowingly and I was betrayed as well. And that though I am not innocente either (I should have cut ties earlier), I am not this conniving monster of a woman.

[MMTFRA]

If you felt you were not wrong for having an affair with him then why did you feel it was necessary to lie about it and lie to everyone around you about it? Are you sure he is badmouthing you? Maybe you are being shunned for all the lies you told to people who were supposed to be your friends. Move on. Make new friends. This is too painful.

I agree with you. I think he is badmouthing me to save himself AND they are upset because I lied to cover up for him. And this is exactly what I said in my apology message to his friends...."I know you are upset with me, and I can understand why. I lied to you in order to protect him, but it was wrong and I hate that I abused your trust and our friendship. I played a part in this, I am not perfect and make mistakes sometimes...as we all do. I hope that you will forgive my fault and at some point we can have a friendship again."

[Summer Breeze]

No one has called her a homewrecker or suggested she is a homewrecker. Yes he is responsible but she needs to own her part in it too and not play the victim. Defending herself to his friends accomplishes nothing but adding more drama. Why are you trying to cause drama? Some people thrive on drama and just aren't happy if they don't have it in their life.

 

I didn't say she was a homewrecker. I said there was one and it was him. That means if the home is wrecked it is at his feet.

 

She has repeatedly 'owned' her part in this. I think you may need to re-read some of her posts.

 

Defending herself accomplishes everything. It allows her to walk away knowing she has said her peace. She'll never get closure from him but this action may help her find it.

 

I'm not sure if your question about causing drama is for me or for her but I'll respond. She's not causing drama. She's taking a stand for herself and then walking away. The drama is caused by a man who cheated on his W, got caught, lied about the parts they played, continues to lie to his W. Now THAT'S drama.

 

I agree about the drama issue. I don't see OP creating drama. I see someone looking to say her side of the story and then do what's right. Drama comes in all forms though, I will agree. Many BS, APs, and WS create it. As do many posters with unnecessarily cutting comments.

[MMTFRA]

This guy NEVER saw his son as a priority. He saw the kid once a month when his oh so busy schedule allowed.

 

I see my UPS man more than this guy saw his son.

 

 

You won't be the first one whose been conned by a married liar, and you won't be the last.

 

Me personally?

 

I'd make sure to write his girlfriend/signifcant other/common-law wife a VERY detailed letter spilling my guts about EVERYTHING. She should know what a dirtbag she's REALLY with.

I've been going back and forth about writing the SO. I know I was in the wrong too and I do want to apologize to her directly. I also want her to be aware of what was really going on, and not just the BS he is pouring into her ear.

 

However, part of me thinks it's best to just leave her alone. I'm not sure she will be receptive to an apology and by telling her things he said to me and details regarding our affair....will it help her make a better decision about relationship OR will it only further hurt someone who, I can imagine, is already pretty broken at this point? I don't want the jerk anywhere near me, so maybe it's best to just let her be with him if that's what she feels is right for her. She knows my name, phone numbers and e-mail address (since she is now CIA over his accounts) and if she wants to contact me, she knows how to. As I said, I would like to apologize...but I'm not sure if it's a good call.

 

Honestly, I just want her and his friends to read the messages sent between us.....without me writing anything else because that way they can see it for their own eyes and hopefully help my reputation case a little bit. But I lean more and more towards the "fck it...let them be and if they want to know the real deal, they can ask." attitude and live my life. No use in wallowing when I can be doing something productive.

[MMTFRA]

Can you see your bitter words judging her? That she refuses to move to paris despite the strain on their relationship. You are judging a woman who's father has died and has stepped up to take over the family business along with raising her son basically alone. She sounds pretty upright and responsible to me and you are judging her to not care about her relationship because she is taking care of the curveballs life has thrown her? And on the reverse he refuses to leave paris and help her.

"stepped up to take over the family business along with raising her son basically alone. She sounds pretty upright and responsible to me" Fair enough...and point taken.

 

They aren't bitter words...just calling it as I see it (or have heard through MM). I do not know her personally, so how can I be bitter towards her? Just odd that she would buy a house in Paris (after the death of her father) and refuse to move here.

[MMTFRA]

I think she sounds like a strong woman and can handle whatever you want to tell her. She does not sound like a woman who is dependent on a man for her self esteem if she moved 3 hours from him to run the family business. Give her the courtesy to make a decision on her own. Go ahead and spill it to her but do not do it in a self serving all about me way.

Ladies, are we all in agreeance here before I make the jump?

 

Also, should I include the link to our messages or not? Me personally I like to see physical proof (as I did with my ex) because I would know his way of speaking/writing and can see exactly what was said. But others are different. I've never laid eyes on this woman and have only heard things about her through MM (which I now take with a grain of salt!)...so I have no idea if it would be best to include this information or not.

 

ALSO...after him sending me messages along the lines of "get out of my life...i want to be with my family. you are just a slut and i never had feelings for you" and saying it was her...she said it was him doing it in front of her to play both sides. He then messaged me last week to say that they were selling their house, he needs my help finding a childcare solution for his son, AND that he came to my neighborhood and parked on my street hoping to run into me on my way home from work. I think this would be important for her to see, as it shows he is still up to his nasty habits and still contacting me. Thoughts?

[Summer Breeze]

Ladies, are we all in agreeance here before I make the jump?

 

Also, should I include the link to our messages or not? Me personally I like to see physical proof (as I did with my ex) because I would know his way of speaking/writing and can see exactly what was said. But others are different. I've never laid eyes on this woman and have only heard things about her through MM (which I now take with a grain of salt!)...so I have no idea if it would be best to include this information or not.

 

ALSO...after him sending me messages along the lines of "get out of my life...i want to be with my family. you are just a slut and i never had feelings for you" and saying it was her...she said it was him doing it in front of her to play both sides. He then messaged me last week to say that they were selling their house, he needs my help finding a childcare solution for his son, AND that he came to my neighborhood and parked on my street hoping to run into me on my way home from work. I think this would be important for her to see, as it shows he is still up to his nasty habits and still contacting me. Thoughts?

 

As I suggested at the beginning of the thread I'd write a NC letter. Tell them that the only contact you want is if she requests further proof. If she doesn't then they are to remain totally NC with you. I would be clear that he's been in contact 'x' number of times since dday and you expect this to stop immediately. Then end it and hope to hear nothing further unless she wants proof. As I said before---make sure you don't make this about hurting her or trying to one up her. You're offering her closure by creating your own closure.

[KathyM]

Ladies, are we all in agreeance here before I make the jump?

 

Also, should I include the link to our messages or not? Me personally I like to see physical proof (as I did with my ex) because I would know his way of speaking/writing and can see exactly what was said. But others are different. I've never laid eyes on this woman and have only heard things about her through MM (which I now take with a grain of salt!)...so I have no idea if it would be best to include this information or not.

 

ALSO...after him sending me messages along the lines of "get out of my life...i want to be with my family. you are just a slut and i never had feelings for you" and saying it was her...she said it was him doing it in front of her to play both sides. He then messaged me last week to say that they were selling their house, he needs my help finding a childcare solution for his son, AND that he came to my neighborhood and parked on my street hoping to run into me on my way home from work. I think this would be important for her to see, as it shows he is still up to his nasty habits and still contacting me. Thoughts?[/quote

I definately agree that you should contact the wife, give her all the evidence, and then let it go. The guy doesn't deserve either one of you. Go ahead and blow this guy out of the water to his wife. But I still suggest you leave the friends out of this. You've Emailed them that you were led to believe he was in the process of separating. No more needs to be said to them. But by all means, give the wife/SO all the evidence so she can get a true picture of what happened in this. And do apologize to her. That would be the right thing to do. Just make sure you do it in a way where it cannot be intercepted by the MM. And then put this chapter behind you.

[Spark1111]

It all goes back to character ladies.

 

If he lies with you, he will lie to you.

 

If he denigrates his common law wife, the mother of his child, while in bed with you, what REASONABLE expectation should you have that when push came to shove, he wouldn't do to you exactly what he did to her.

 

That should always be the biggest red flag there is.

 

How he spoke of her, he is now speaking of you.

 

You bought his lines about her, so now his friends are buying his "lines" about you.

 

Why this surprises is beyond me.

 

Often, in a need to feel special, better, superior, loved, you bought his lines --hook, line and sinker.

 

Now YOU are the subject of his bs, and apparently as his friends are believing him, he is very, very, good at playing the victim (first in his marriage to you) and now in his affair with you to his friends.

 

Write your NC letter, supply proof to the BS, and move on remembering a man always reveals his true character by his actions, and an affair is one of the most disrespectful actions a person can take against their unsuspecting SO.

[MMTFRA]

It all goes back to character ladies.

 

If he lies with you, he will lie to you.

 

If he denigrates his common law wife, the mother of his child, while in bed with you, what REASONABLE expectation should you have that when push came to shove, he wouldn't do to you exactly what he did to her.

 

That should always be the biggest red flag there is.

 

How he spoke of her, he is now speaking of you.

 

You bought his lines about her, so now his friends are buying his "lines" about you.

 

Why this surprises is beyond me.

 

Often, in a need to feel special, better, superior, loved, you bought his lines --hook, line and sinker.

 

Now YOU are the subject of his bs, and apparently as his friends are believing him, he is very, very, good at playing the victim (first in his marriage to you) and now in his affair with you to his friends.

 

Write your NC letter, supply proof to the BS, and move on remembering a man always reveals his true character by his actions, and an affair is one of the most disrespectful actions a person can take against their unsuspecting SO.

Yep, agreed on all counts! The crazy thing is...he even spoke horribly about his friends! But they will see that for themselves in his messages. I'm crafting an apologetic letter to his girlfriend between other tasks...I'm going to say I'm genuinely sorry for any pain or embarrassment I have caused her and that though I want nothing to do with him, I hope they are able to find a solution as a couple and as parents of a darling little boy. I'm not going to make any comments in regards to he said this-he said that...I will let his messages speak for themselves if she choses to read them.

 

Afterwards, I'm going to make a SummerBreeze move and "bow out gracefully" (or as graceful as possible, given the situation!) and I'm going to have a huge glass of cold rosé with a girlfriend tonight, toasting to a lesson learned and a new start!

 

Thank you all for responding to my original post....I was at an emotional cracking point because I felt so alone. Some of you much more critical (and tunnel visioned) than others, but I appreciate all the advice that has has been flowing through this thread and it has been so calming to have an outlet where I felt people could understand, and even agree with, my position. Thank you all...a million!

[Quiet Storm]

I think you have false sense of importance.

 

You made yourself a player in his game, and ended up getting played.

 

His friends (and most people in this world) don't care what you think. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be.

 

Focusing on his friends and what they think of you, only takes the focus off of where it needs to be: you. You can't control what others do or think. People draw their own conclusions and you trying to control the outcome is going to come off as pathetic.

 

You have every right to tell anyone you want your side of the story, but they have every right to conclude that you crave attention and validation, which is probably why you fell for his lies in the first place.

 

Validation comes from within.

 

Instead of playing the victim, figure out why you were so naive so you don't end up getting played again. A lot of men are players, and if you believe words and ignore actions, you will keep getting burned. Most women would run from a man like this, and yet you were attracted. Why? It is up to you to protect yourself, and there are plenty of signs & clues in life for you to do that. You just have to pay attention.

 

You're emotions don't control you. You can feel something and not act on it. A toddler gets mad when he can't have a toy and falls to the ground banging his fists in anger. As he matures, he learns to control the anger and not act on it. He deals with it. He copes.

 

As a mature adult, you can do the same thing with your feelings. You can feel attraction, but not act on it. You can deal with it. You can cope.

 

Feelings are fleeting, but the more power you assign to them, the more overwhelming they become. The dog you feed more is going to get bigger. Those feelings won't grow if you don't water them. If you feel attraction or emotions for someone that is not available or is not good for you, you have to set boundaries for yourself. Men are persistent, because it works about 10% of the time. Don't be one of the naive 10% of women that fall for it.

 

An unavailable man targeting you doesn't mean you're special, it means you're naive and he senses that.

 

There are many shady people in this world. You are the only person that is going to take care of you.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Quiet Storm

[Wanderer25]

Just make sure the his gf receives the message. The OM might well as intercept the mail before she does and delete it.

[Summer Breeze]

A couple of the newest posts make it sound like she's going on about making this some sort of crusade. She has made it clear she wants to speak her peace and leave them to it. Why keep making it sound like she's going to keep beating a dead horse? If she actually does then fair enough, give her some grief about it. You're preaching to the apparently converted.