Queenie Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 Hello everyone, I have been an avid reader on this site for a year and a half and have never posted a problem before. Here it goes. My bf and I have been together for 5 years we both are divorced. We just recently moved in together (three months) and things are really going downhill first, we had to put our plans on hold from last year to this because his ex-wife decided to take him to court which cost us $8000.00 in legal fees, Second, he quit his job three days before we took posession of the apartment and didn't work for 2 and a half months then he got a job and was recently let go. Now Revenue Canada is on his tail (froze his bank accounts and is garnisheeing any wages he would have) Third he is now going to file Bankruptcy. He is avoiding any conversation on the subject of work and bankruptcy. What I am looking for is any suggestions on how to do this - I have tried being gentle and I have tried jumping up and down. Nothing works. Queenie Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 He is probably embarrassed about the financial situation but nevertheless this is an important part of any relationship and there should be complete openness about it. As much as I hate to say this, his financial problems, his inability to keep his financial house in order and his unwillingness to share this very important aspect of his life with you at this stage of your relationship are serious danger signs that you must consider. With his ex wife and Revenue Canada after him for money, his bank accounts frozen, his wages being garnished, etc., it is highly likely you'll be expected to handle a disproportionate share of the financial part of this relationship for a good time into the future. And there are no guarantees that things won't worsen. I don't care how much you love him, you will get extremely frustrated with him because unless he inherits a bundle real soon. His money situation is not likely to improve. You are the one who will have to make the decision as to whether or not this man and his burdens are for you. I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Queenie Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 What confuses me though is that if it was a man would people encourage him to hold fast to the relationship. I'm trying to walk in both sets of shoes here before I decide how I will approach this. No-one has yet to pat me on the back and say "good for you for standing by him and supporting him - he would do the same for you" He is probably embarrassed about the financial situation but nevertheless this is an important part of any relationship and there should be complete openness about it. As much as I hate to say this, his financial problems, his inability to keep his financial house in order and his unwillingness to share this very important aspect of his life with you at this stage of your relationship are serious danger signs that you must consider. With his ex wife and Revenue Canada after him for money, his bank accounts frozen, his wages being garnished, etc., it is highly likely you'll be expected to handle a disproportionate share of the financial part of this relationship for a good time into the future. And there are no guarantees that things won't worsen. I don't care how much you love him, you will get extremely frustrated with him because unless he inherits a bundle real soon. His money situation is not likely to improve. You are the one who will have to make the decision as to whether or not this man and his burdens are for you. I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 Oh, if you want praise for standing by him and supporting him in his situation, great...you've got it from me. But this sounds like a situation that will drag on for a long time. Do you want to do that? You asked that very question in your post. But great...yes...wonderful...stand by your man...but don't screw your whole life up because you are looking to go to heaven or be praised by other people for putting yourself through hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Queenie Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 I know your right Tony, I guess I just have to convince myself to do what I know I have to do. That might take time.... Oh, if you want praise for standing by him and supporting him in his situation, great...you've got it from me. But this sounds like a situation that will drag on for a long time. Do you want to do that? You asked that very question in your post. But great...yes...wonderful...stand by your man...but don't screw your whole life up because you are looking to go to heaven or be praised by other people for putting yourself through hell. Link to post Share on other sites
ANONYMOUS Posted October 7, 2000 Share Posted October 7, 2000 People have money problems all the time. It's not uncommon to fight over those problems. I can see how he would not want to talk about money or jobs because it could be a real sore spot for him. Besides,it's him who owes the taxes and his ex-wife,not you. Declaring bankcruptcy isn't as shameful as some people think it is. My father had to declare bankcruptcy because a dry cleaning business he owned loss too much money.He put all his time and money into it,and when he lost all that we as a family had to rely on my mother's income for a while.It was a depressing time for our family,especially for my father. He didn't want to talk about the whole situation either,and we had to learn not to bug him too much about it.It was painful enough without someone nagging you. But we did survive,and now,after getting back on his feet, my dad is happily retired,and a lot more financially successful. Sure we had to live on what my mom made for a while ,but so what? Look,if your man is doing all he can to work his way out of this,why bug him? He's doing the best he can. All you have to worry about is that he's doing his best.If he's not doing all he can, then you have to put your foot down. Is he working now? If he is,then don't bother him about his money problems. If he isn't,you have to gently let him know that he has to find work, that keeping busy will help him,and that it will help his self confidence. Let him know that all you need is his best efforts,and nevermind what the results are.Nevermind if you two have to eat Kraft dinner for a hundred years,just tell him to do his best. Good luck to you both,and believe me when I say that things will get better someday. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicky Posted October 7, 2000 Share Posted October 7, 2000 Hello everyone, I have been an avid reader on this site for a year and a half and have never posted a problem before. Here it goes. My bf and I have been together for 5 years we both are divorced. We just recently moved in together (three months) and things are really going downhill first, we had to put our plans on hold from last year to this because his ex-wife decided to take him to court which cost us $8000.00 in legal fees, Second, he quit his job three days before we took posession of the apartment and didn't work for 2 and a half months then he got a job and was recently let go. Now Revenue Canada is on his tail (froze his bank accounts and is garnisheeing any wages he would have) Third he is now going to file Bankruptcy. He is avoiding any conversation on the subject of work and bankruptcy. What I am looking for is any suggestions on how to do this - I have tried being gentle and I have tried jumping up and down. Nothing works. Queenie The question for me is, is his unfortunate financial situation brought about by his own decisions, or is he just having a terrible run of bad luck? Was he applying for lots of jobs, or didn't he seem that bothered? Was he let go from his job becuase he wasn't working hard, or did loads of people get laid off? People handle financial hardships in different ways, and when many people (especially men) feel their sense of worth is defined by their career, not having one can be a tremendous loss of face. People find it extremely painful to face up to something they are deeply ashamed of, especially if they feel it is all/partly their fault. Maybe he feels this. I think you are doing well trying to support him through this. If this is a pattern of behaviour, then I suspect it won't change. The question is, is it? all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Deejette Posted October 9, 2000 Share Posted October 9, 2000 You did not get him into the financial straits he is in and really, it is not up to you to get him out of them. Why should his ex-wife profit from your hard-earned money? It is a difficult situation, because there are those who would say, "Well, if you really loved him, love would conquer all, and money doesn't matter." But they are not seeing how romance and love are destroyed by money problems. Because money problems are a symptom of other problems too, like life management, practicality, and having one's act together. Money is one of the biggest topics in fights between married people. I know your right Tony, I guess I just have to convince myself to do what I know I have to do. That might take time.... Link to post Share on other sites
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