I cheated on her but I still love her, now I'm lost

[SushiOji]

Hello, I made the horrible decision to cheat on my girlfriend and she later found out about it from the girl herself. This was the first time I ever cheated and I vow to myself that it is the last. I think about what I did everyday and it eats away at me that I would do something that I find myself to be so immoral. I have realized the wrong in my actions and there is no excuse to what I did, I can't blame it on alcohol, the girl, etc. It was my conscious decision and I have to deal with the consequences for the rest of my life. My girlfriend has been cheated on and has cheated herself but she didn't do any of this to me.

 

When she found out I could see the pain in her eyes, while I am going through hell right now I can only imagine what she is going through. While all I did was kiss this other girl several months ago I never did tell her and that only makes it worse. I can't explain why I cheated but it is obvious that it was because something was missing or I was just greedy. Whatever the case I never cheated with the intentions of leaving my girlfriend. I was a wonderful boyfriend to her and made her a better person, in her words. Her family loves me even after the despicable act that I did and she loves me.

 

We were separated for a week but got back together and I made every conscious effort to do whatever I could to regain her trust and show her how much she means to me. Up until 2 weeks ago things were gong great until she met another guy and he asked her out for drinks. She told me that she was going to do this as they could just be "friends" but I know how a man's mind works. She went out with him for drinks last week and didn't tell me about it until after the fact and this made me quite upset. Not yelling upset but more like why would you try to shatter what we're trying to fix upset.

 

So the following day we sat down and she decided that this was too much for her and while she loves me very much she feels like she is too dependent on me and feels like she needs to find herself. She also said that she still is not over what I did which I do not blame her for at all since I know it would take lots of time for her to forgive and she may never forget.

 

I agreed that she needs time to herself so I left our apartment and I'm staying at my parents until I can figure out what is going on. This is so difficult because I don't know if I need to go NC because I obviously have some soul searching to do myself but at the same time she still responds instantly to my texts and still is so friendly with me. I want to get her back and her family even wants me to and I would do ANYTHING to gain her trust again (full phone access, facebook, email, hell, even urine samples.)

 

So I am tearing myself up trying to figure out what I should do, whether I should try to pursue her in a way that doesn't put pressure on her and she still talks to me or if I should just go NC? I fear that if I go NC she will think I made the right decision cheating on her and that I have no interest in being with her. I've never been in this situation before and if this was just a normal breakup where she just wanted to see someone else I would have not even bothered and just gone NC no problem. Any help would be greatly appreciated because my thoughts are driving me mad.

[Shinobi]

You lose, dude. I never cheated but I have been cheated on. It is terrible to be treated like this by someone you love and trust. I think you deserve to be left by this girl and never hear from her again. Maybe she is trying to get even with you but do not be a fool- lost trust is almost impossible to restore.

 

Your relationship is ruined and it is easier to be destroyed rather than repaired. This is just my oppinion and honestly it is well biased.

[Chi townD]

Agreed, you took a gamble when you cheated on her and you lost. Dude, she checked out of the relationship. And it probably took her going out on that date (and yes it was a date) to realize that there are other guys out there that won't cheat on her.

 

Go NC, chaulk this up as a learning experience and apply what you've learned to your next relationship as NOT what to do.

 

Go NC, let her move on. Because if you cheated on her and she's going out with other guys (and I'm sure the night ended after a couple of drinks and they went their separate ways ) then this relationship turned very toxic.

 

Time to learn from your mistakes and let go.

[samsungxoxo]

For a couple seconds, I really thought it was more than a just a drunken kiss. I don't know but I get the feeling this relationship was bound to end earlier and she used the drunken kiss incident as a way to make the break-up easier (seems like she wanted to end the relationship anyways and when she found out about the kiss, it was like a quick get away).

 

She's reacting like it were a months-years ongoing affair. That's the same as crying if you lost your favorite notebook. While it's upsetting, I don't think a drunken kiss is at the same level as a ONS or full blown affair.

 

But yeah just don't do that again. Now I assume you know your drinking limits... go from there.

Edited May 9, 2012 by samsungxoxo

[fetish1980]

SushiOji, Not excusing what you did. yes you were wrong, but i'm not going to be as harsh. You kissed the girl, it's not like you banged her! On the other note, trust was still broken and the only thing you're going to have to do is give her time and space to sort things out.

 

It's going to have to be up to her whether she wants to continue in a relationship with you. If it's meant to be, she will come around in time. But it will have to be on her terms and her terms only. The only thing you can do is let her know you still love her and you understand that she will need time to sort things out.

 

In the mean time, don't beat yourself up too hard. We all make mistakes but the harsh reality is that we do pay for them one way or another.

 

fetish

[Chi townD]

WHOA!!! I missed the part about it being a drunken kiss. I thought it was full on horizontal mambo. Even though it is still cheating. That's not that God aweful bad. And she probably did the same if not more on her date.

 

I still say, cut this one loose.

[leoc1973]

There is a lesson to be learned here! DENY DENY DENY!! If there are not pictures then it didn't happen! Ugh that is dude 101.

 

In all seriousness, she is either just trying to punish you or there is a guy she had her eye on but she loved you so she didn't cheat!

 

And now you are making all the mistakes. You are probably begging and pleading and now she has the green light to go play the field without any guilt at all.

 

I think you should have a talk with her about how you know that you ruined the relationship and now YOU have decided that you both need to go your seperate ways. She has to think she's losing you or she is going to keep playing the field.

 

After you talk to her then go NC. She will come around!

[Report This User]

bummer. the relationship is really ruined. Just apologize to her, and dont expect her to forgive you. Apologizing and then going nc is the best thing to do at the moment.

[tornangel]

Trust is a must.. Once the trust is gone, the respect is gone. Things can never be the same.

[daisy088]

I have to agree with a few of the posters above. I dont think a drunken kiss is the same thing as having an ongoing side relationship or sleeping with someone. Although it is a breach of trust, and although she does have the right to be very hurt and angry- I agree that she is using this as an excuse to be single.

 

Sounds like both of you need some time apart to be honest (maybe subconsciously you knew this and thats why you went ahead and kissed someone else?). Talk to her, let her know youre sorry but that you wont wait around for her while she dates other guys, and disappear. If she wants to work on things with you, and spend some time to communicate and build the trust, love, and care back- then great. If not, it was never meant to be, you learned some lessons, and youll be better to your next girlfriend.

 

I know how hard it is when you know you made mistakes that contributed to the breakup. Remember that although, yes, you did make a bad decision, she also chose to give up on the relationship. Dont kill yourself with regret and guilt as you cannot take back the past now. You will drive yourself mad if you do that. trust me

[Boynextdoor]

 

I know how hard it is when you know you made mistakes that contributed to the breakup. Remember that although, yes, you did make a bad decision, she also chose to give up on the relationship. Dont kill yourself with regret and guilt as you cannot take back the past now. You will drive yourself mad if you do that. trust me

 

 

This is true! Had this feeling 3 weeks ago. But come to think of it ive had my own reasons when I did it. I was so weak and vulnerable that time. Me and my ex had the smallest arguement that led to our breakup.

 

Eventhough you made a contribution to the break up the mere fact that she gave in w/o asking any justification why you said it. This isalso one of the biggest factors that led to the breakup.

 

Guing what they ask for and doing NC if possible is the best move for this. Eitherway time will come that they will realize the mistake they committed.

 

 

Both of you will find the worth and value of what you both had.

[Boynextdoor]

Trust is a must.. Once the trust is gone, the respect is gone. Things can never be the same.

 

Tornangel: what if trust was not the issue? Small arguement that went to abig one and the breakup. Meaning there is still a chance?

[SushiOji]

Thank you for all the replies I really appreciate it.

 

I do believe we both need some time apart to sort ourselves out because we both need to deal with what happened on a personal level.

 

I hope that she will realize in time and my absence that what we had was truly special.

 

I will go NC but I can't decide if I should respond to her when she contacts me?

[Boynextdoor]

Thank you for all the replies I really appreciate it.

 

I do believe we both need some time apart to sort ourselves out because we both need to deal with what happened on a personal level.

 

I hope that she will realize in time and my absence that what we had was truly special.

 

I will go NC but I can't decide if I should respond to her when she contacts me?

 

 

 

Yes with women everything is all the same. With mine we had a small arguement that resulted to something big and ended up breaking up.

 

 

How sick is that? I tend to be snappy and I admit it. When we argued we were like so weak I was thinking of lotsa things my resignation with my co my debts my life. Now she's thinking of her boards and the nursing exam right after.

 

 

Now here we are. She told me nothing can change her feelings and decision while I was doing NC. Even told me that she was sorry and just cant be with me. Wishes me to take care!

 

I just let her be since ahe is busy now time will come she will think of me and how I was to her. Only issue that I have is being snappy. But I nourished her with all the "LY" in life that people can think of.

 

 

Emotionaly,physically there, spiritualy, etc man. I think ive maxed out everything but still this is us.

 

 

 

Now trying to see the power of NC

[SushiOji]

I've tried doing NC but she keeps contacting me, she is not seeing anyone right now but she seems to be so depressed but she gets all happy when I reply to her and replies right away.

 

I don't know if I should just keep being friendly with her and try to build my trust up this way or to just go back to NC. I haven't seen her in about a month but I feel like if we met up sparks could possibly start back up again but I shouldn't be too affectionate with her?