Confession and Redemption

[kaityjane]

Hi Everyone. I feel the need to confess a break in my quest for NC; both because its good for the soul and because I think my story may help someone else attempting NC.

To bring the story to date, I had been with my MM for almost three years. We had our own apartment, he came up with excuse after excuse why it wasn't the right time to leave. I finally said enough. I was doing barely ok with NC, but doing it all the same. I caved at one point with a particular text (yes, even though I was given sound advice not to engage). Long story short, I saw him for lunch once and there was a small amount of texting. He was saying how much he missed me, asking to get together, etc. Well, over the weekend he said he was doing various things, but wanted to get together on Sunday night for dinner. Something felt off - I know him so well and i knew something wasn't right. I knew I should just let it go, but its like I was on a quest for the truth. He had always told me the typical stuff. He and his wife were more like roommates than a married couple, they did nothing together, blah blah blah. I ended up driving by his house late saturday night and it looked like no one was home. and hadn't been. He texted me and asked what I was doing, I lied and asked where he was. He said home. "are you sure?" I said. He sent me a google map of his location. Yup, home. I thought how strange that seemed but believed him, temporarily. Conclusion: I thought and thought all night. I just felt it. He was lying, as he had before of course. I looked it up, and found many apps that would change your GPS location so you can now say you're anywhere you want to be. Sunday night, after he had texted me during the day saying he was doing odd jobs around his house, he asked me out for dinner. Said, how he couldn't stand being apart, and needed to talk to me about figuring out a way for us. I said I was busy. I drove to his house and waited. and waited. I know it seems crazy, but I needed to know the truth, finally. Of course, just before dinner his car pulled up. He didn't see me. I watched with tears streaming down my face as he and his wife took all their luggage out of his car. Their beautiful weekend away. As I grieved for us, he was on a holiday with her, while at the same time using every measure available to deceive me.

I drove away, blocked him for contact, and haven't looked back. Its what I needed. Everyone is different, and many could do it without this knowledge, but for me, I needed to know it was all a lie. I caught him this time, but how many other times did he say he was home when he was taking her for dinner, or away for the weekend.

Anyways, I'm sorry for the long post, but I needed to come clean. I'm on my way, NC is different this time. Incredibly difficult, but incredibly necessary.

Thank you to all those who have given me wonderful advice....Im choosing to listen. I'm choosing to live. I'm choosing me.

[woinlove]

kaity, I'm glad you found some truth and I do think that will help you in moving on -- choosing yourself, as you say. Truth can be very difficult to come by in affairs where you know at least one person is being deceived, maybe more. Often the MM/MW doesn't even give themselves the truth as they may find it difficult to face the reality of their own deception and what it says about themselves. When people aren't honest with themselves, it is essentially impossible for them to be honest with others.

 

Going to his house sounds a big strange/stalkerish and I imagine that is part of why you feel the need to confess, but I can understand how the need for some truth is a powerful need and I am glad you got it, even if the reality is not what you would have liked.

 

Good luck in you path to freedom from this A which seems to have had a number of destructive elements for you. I am sure much better days lie ahead for you because choosing yourself is such an important and positive step.

[stillwater]

Wow...

 

Well, over the weekend he said he was doing various things, but wanted to get together on Sunday night for dinner. Something felt off - I know him so well and i knew something wasn't right. I knew I should just let it go, but its like I was on a quest for the truth.

 

Don't you love that feeling where you know you can't trust somebody, so when they tell you something you just have a feeling it's a lie, even if there isn't a real reason? In the beginning I would trust MW, but by the end, everything she said I would imagine the worst possible scenario that she was covering for. Turns out I was often right. She would always say "I'm going here" or "I'm doing this", making it sound like she was going alone. If directly asked she would always say her H was going too, but the initial deception was an awful feeling. She said it was to protect my feelings. Screw that, I can take care of my own godd--n feelings.

 

He sent me a google map of his location. Yup, home.

Holy gaslighting... that's going above and beyond right there.

 

Anyway I'm sorry you had to go through that, but hopefully it's exactly what you needed to get over this creep. The lack of trust was what did it for me in the end too. Someone here posted this not too long ago (paraphrased): "the greatest mistake an OW/OM can make is to believe that the MW/MM's lying is situational". How true. She could lie to her husband about going away with me for a weekend, no doubt she could lie to me about going away with him.

 

(ETA: I don't think it's stalkerish at all that you went to his house. You had a right to doubt him, and it turns out you were right. It's not like you were going to watch him through the windows or boil his bunny or anything. I don't see a problem in this instance.)

Edited May 9, 2012 by stillwater

[PeineDeCoeur]

Good for you. This was the only way to get the truth. God knows you wouldn't get it straight from him. You now have what you need to pull away.

 

I don't think you should be so concerned about being back in touch with him, since it seems from what you describe that your heart wasn't in it anyway. And now.. you can turn your back on this and start truly letting go.

 

These MM... What are they thinking?? What a crazy way to live your life.

[FightClub]

Hey Kaityjane,

 

That knock of reality can be quite painful when it finally hits you and it happened to me at one point when I finally let go of exMW.

 

In my case, shortly after NC ( before I knew what it was/meant ), I checked out exMW's facebook page and found a portrait/wedding photo of her and the BS spouse, it hurt quite a bit at the time because the perception of what I was told did not what match what I was seeing.

 

Declarations of how much she loved BS via facebook, etc. Ironically, I believed the opposite at that time. Once I realized what was going on, on the surface and most likely behind doors, I knew it was time to start moving on and letting go.

 

Blocked her and a year later removed a majority of social networking sites.

 

It's tough to see that but seeing it right now as painful as it feels will give you so much more motivation to look forward now and focus on KaityJane in her entirety, time to focus on what will make you a better person and eventually find someone worth being with, a single, unattached person that you can call freely any day and any time without the deception in the background.

 

Godspeed,

 

-FC

Edited May 9, 2012 by FightClub

[kaityjane]

Wow...

 

 

 

Don't you love that feeling where you know you can't trust somebody, so when they tell you something you just have a feeling it's a lie, even if there isn't a real reason? In the beginning I would trust MW, but by the end, everything she said I would imagine the worst possible scenario that she was covering for. Turns out I was often right. She would always say "I'm going here" or "I'm doing this", making it sound like she was going alone. If directly asked she would always say her H was going too, but the initial deception was an awful feeling. She said it was to protect my feelings. Screw that, I can take care of my own godd--n feelings.

 

Holy gaslighting... that's going above and beyond right there.

 

Anyway I'm sorry you had to go through that, but hopefully it's exactly what you needed to get over this creep. The lack of trust was what did it for me in the end too. Someone here posted this not too long ago (paraphrased): "the greatest mistake an OW/OM can make is to believe that the MW/MM's lying is situational". How true. She could lie to her husband about going away with me for a weekend, no doubt she could lie to me about going away with him.

 

(ETA: I don't think it's stalkerish at all that you went to his house. You had a right to doubt him, and it turns out you were right. It's not like you were going to watch him through the windows or boil his bunny or anything. I don't see a problem in this instance.)

 

Stillwater, thank you! Yup, the degree of deception was pretty astounding. I always knew he was good, of course thinking he was deceiving his wife, not me. But kind of always knowing that wasn't the case. I did feel somewhat justified driving by his house...and quite honestly, glad I did. They lie people, thats what they do. We need to remember, its how they keep their balls in the air. I was chuckling to myself as I sat there, thinking "well, at least I'm not boiling his bunny". (good thing he didn't have one!)

[kaityjane]

Good for you. This was the only way to get the truth. God knows you wouldn't get it straight from him. You now have what you need to pull away.

 

I don't think you should be so concerned about being back in touch with him, since it seems from what you describe that your heart wasn't in it anyway. And now.. you can turn your back on this and start truly letting go.

 

These MM... What are they thinking?? What a crazy way to live your life.

 

Hi PeineDeCoeur, Thanks for your support. I knew I was sort of crossing the line, but also that I needed to get angry, not sad. An entire weekend of texting lies, and of course the capper of the fake gps location, was what I needed. To be honest, the month before I started trying to find the strength to let go I started doubting much of what he said, and started looking into things more. Each and every time I did, I found it was all crap. Wow, big revelation as we've been together so long....hes been doing this the whole time. "no, of course I didn't buy her a birthday gift, we don't do that anymore since we're close to divorce". Then finding out he bought her a $2500.00 camera. "no, I took the kids to a movie, she didn't come of course", but finding out it was in fact a family date night. "no, we don't entertain together at all anymore", while having large dinner parties in their home together. And this was all in the month I became more aware. Wow. bites. BUT!!! the good news is I'm free. Freedom reigns!

[kaityjane]

Hey Kaityjane,

 

That knock of reality can be quite painful when it finally hits you and it happened to me at one point when I finally let go of exMW.

 

In my case, shortly after NC ( before I knew what it was/meant ), I checked out exMW's facebook page and found a portrait/wedding photo of her and the BS spouse, it hurt quite a bit at the time because the perception of what I was told did not what match what I was seeing.

 

Declarations of how much she loved BS via facebook, etc. Ironically, I believed the opposite at that time. Once I realized what was going on, on the surface and most likely behind doors, I knew it was time to start moving on and letting go.

 

Blocked her and a year later removed a majority of social networking sites.

 

It's tough to see that but seeing it right now as painful as it feels will give you so much more motivation to look forward now and focus on KaityJane in her entirety, time to focus on what will make you a better person and eventually find someone worth being with, a single, unattached person that you can call freely any day and any time without the deception in the background.

 

Godspeed,

 

-FC

Thank you fight club! I'm not alone. Yes, I'm now convinced of what I should have known all along. If I knew what his home life was really like, I wouldn't have been there, so he lied. He lied in order to make me believe there was a future coming that would never materialize.

Funny, I blocked him immediately on whatsapp which is what we used to communicate, but he managed to get one text through before I blocked that too. Never said he was sorry, "lets go away next weekend". if you can believe the nerve.

[kaityjane]

Wow...

 

 

 

She said it was to protect my feelings. Screw that, I can take care of my own godd--n feelings.

 

Stillwater, also, I love what you said here. Please, lying by omission or out and out lying...like theres a difference. and yeah, my feelings, sure....of course it wasn't about making sure his world went around:rolleyes:

[Got it]

((((Kaity)))) I am glad you were able to find closure and find peace. While NC maybe ideal for some it is not for others. Sometimes you need to last bubble popped to be able to walk away without doubting your intentions.

 

Take care of you ((((kaity)))

[jphcbpa]

I know that "feeling" in the pit of your stomach, that moment it all becomes clear. You just kind of pause and it makes every time you had that feeling justified.