What happens after??

[xxSRMxx]

Around 18 months ago, I used to post in this part of the forum... (read old posts for further info)

 

I had been an affair with a married man for a year and i ended up telling his wife purely for my own sanity...I was never going to break free from him until i pissed him off to the point he never spoke to me again.

 

Thats exactly what happened, him and his wife worked things out, moved house and the day i told her i never heard from her again.

I slowly picked myself up and just enjoyed being single...His wife set her profile to private but only revealing the words...

 

''what goes around comes around''

 

The words stuck with me in the back of my head....

 

Around 8 months later i met an amazing man, I did not expect it to happen, he swept me off my feet and he was honestly the best thing thatd happened to me, I could finally go out with a man whose family i met, he met mine, i was SOMEBODYS number ONE, not just a dirty secret.but...I always had those words in the back of mind. (what goes around comes around)

So i became insecure, checked my bfs fone, got jealous of other women, started arguments just so i could be assured he loved me. my ex MM was a great man on the surface, nobody ever thought he could cheat....so why couldnt my bf do the same to me?

I almost WAITED for karma, and ended up pushing my bf so badly away that he left me 5 weeks ago, ive been posting in the coping forum and have been absoluetly devastated, hearts broken, been a mess etc... Kind of made me feel what id done to her, almost as if i deserved it??

 

Has anyone else had these experiences?? This was also a massive learning curve for me, I just wanna say to u all, if and when you do eventually get yourselves out of these affairs, Make sure you fully forgive yourself for what you did before you jump into a relationship, since my ex has left me ive been in therapy etc, really working through my issues etc. Affairs have a massive effect on us, sometimes more than we think..

 

I wish you all a happy ending. xxxx

[jphcbpa]

Perhaps this relationship with the ex is just what you needed to be broken, to take a look deep within. Best wishes on your new journey

[seren]

XX, I am an XBS, I forgave my H's affair and in doing so we learned from both our mistakes pre A. I think if you can learn from mistakes or regrets, then you (general) owe it to yourself to resolve to not make the same mistakes again, grow and then accept that while you cannot change what was, you can change what is. I certainly wish for the XOW to find peace in her life.

 

If you and your XBF have a chance to reconcile, presuming you want to and if you could be honest to him about why you pushed him away, it sounding like it was more about you and your fears and possibly you not feeling 'good enough', then you might find you way back to each other.

 

I think that Karma is not necessarily about having done to you what you do to others, I reckon that if there is remorse, growth and learning and possibly a firm resolve to not participate in the hurt of another, that Karma can include a moving on too. Tara Maiden would explain this so much better. There has to come a time when you say to yourself, OK, I own what I did, I have learned from it, I will never do anything like it again and then forgive yourself. There are only so many times you can beat yourself silly with the regret stick. I wish you peace and happiness.

[xxSRMxx]

XX, I am an XBS, I forgave my H's affair and in doing so we learned from both our mistakes pre A. I think if you can learn from mistakes or regrets, then you (general) owe it to yourself to resolve to not make the same mistakes again, grow and then accept that while you cannot change what was, you can change what is. I certainly wish for the XOW to find peace in her life.

 

If you and your XBF have a chance to reconcile, presuming you want to and if you could be honest to him about why you pushed him away, it sounding like it was more about you and your fears and possibly you not feeling 'good enough', then you might find you way back to each other.

 

I think that Karma is not necessarily about having done to you what you do to others, I reckon that if there is remorse, growth and learning and possibly a firm resolve to not participate in the hurt of another, that Karma can include a moving on too. Tara Maiden would explain this so much better. There has to come a time when you say to yourself, OK, I own what I did, I have learned from it, I will never do anything like it again and then forgive yourself. There are only so many times you can beat yourself silly with the regret stick. I wish you peace and happiness.

 

Ive handled the break up terribly, constantly pleading for my ex back etc. he said to me last week ''you wonder why i dont want to give us another chance while u are not showing me u can be strong and independent etc''

 

So since then ive gone NC, the chance may be there to reconcile, but right now I need to work on my own issues within....and in a way i do feel this relationship showed me what i needed to work on so thats what im doing.

 

I genuinely thought the affair didnt have much of an effect on me, but it really did. I hated myself for what I did to the wife more than anything, which resulted in me not loving myself at all.... I felt angry the other day because I thought I bet those two are all happy now and look at me with a broken heart. Then i realised I was being horrible, I dont wish my ex MM much, when the affair came out he lied through his teeth about alot, but i do wish his wife alot of good things, i hope she is happy and secure in her marriage after the pain i inflicted on her.

[woinlove]

]

I just wanna say to u all, if and when you do eventually get yourselves out of these affairs, Make sure you fully forgive yourself for what you did before you jump into a relationship, since my ex has left me ive been in therapy etc, really working through my issues etc. Affairs have a massive effect on us, sometimes more than we think..

 

I wish you all a happy ending. xxxx

 

I think the above is such an important message. Affairs typically bring a mixture of intense emotions with guilt and shame often in the mix. It is so important to work through those and to fully forgive oneself in order to love both ourselves and others the very best we can.

 

Thank you for returning and sharing that. I'm sorry you've had such pain along the way, but you have also learned such valuable lessons. I wish you a very happy ending too.

[Got it]

Around 18 months ago, I used to post in this part of the forum... (read old posts for further info)

 

I had been an affair with a married man for a year and i ended up telling his wife purely for my own sanity...I was never going to break free from him until i pissed him off to the point he never spoke to me again.

 

Thats exactly what happened, him and his wife worked things out, moved house and the day i told her i never heard from her again.

I slowly picked myself up and just enjoyed being single...His wife set her profile to private but only revealing the words...

 

''what goes around comes around''

 

The words stuck with me in the back of my head....

 

Around 8 months later i met an amazing man, I did not expect it to happen, he swept me off my feet and he was honestly the best thing thatd happened to me, I could finally go out with a man whose family i met, he met mine, i was SOMEBODYS number ONE, not just a dirty secret.but...I always had those words in the back of mind. (what goes around comes around)

So i became insecure, checked my bfs fone, got jealous of other women, started arguments just so i could be assured he loved me. my ex MM was a great man on the surface, nobody ever thought he could cheat....so why couldnt my bf do the same to me?

I almost WAITED for karma, and ended up pushing my bf so badly away that he left me 5 weeks ago, ive been posting in the coping forum and have been absoluetly devastated, hearts broken, been a mess etc... Kind of made me feel what id done to her, almost as if i deserved it??

 

Has anyone else had these experiences?? This was also a massive learning curve for me, I just wanna say to u all, if and when you do eventually get yourselves out of these affairs, Make sure you fully forgive yourself for what you did before you jump into a relationship, since my ex has left me ive been in therapy etc, really working through my issues etc. Affairs have a massive effect on us, sometimes more than we think..

 

I wish you all a happy ending. xxxx

 

I am terribly sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like IC would be very helpful for you and glad to hear you are going down that road. Things are going to happen in life, there is no way to predict and prevent the good and the bad. You have to know that no matter what you are going to be okay and then just take a leap.

 

You know that right? That if someone cheat on you, if something bad happens, if whatever, you are strong person and you will be okay. No matter what, you will be okay. (((()))))

[woinlove]

Ive handled the break up terribly, constantly pleading for my ex back etc. he said to me last week ''you wonder why i dont want to give us another chance while u are not showing me u can be strong and independent etc''

 

So since then ive gone NC, the chance may be there to reconcile, but right now I need to work on my own issues within....and in a way i do feel this relationship showed me what i needed to work on so thats what im doing.

 

I genuinely thought the affair didnt have much of an effect on me, but it really did. I hated myself for what I did to the wife more than anything, which resulted in me not loving myself at all.... I felt angry the other day because I thought I bet those two are all happy now and look at me with a broken heart. Then i realised I was being horrible, I dont wish my ex MM much, when the affair came out he lied through his teeth about alot, but i do wish his wife alot of good things, i hope she is happy and secure in her marriage after the pain i inflicted on her.

 

Again, I think the insights you are gaining are so valuable and learning to love yourself, to forgive yourself will bring you great rewards. Good for you for doing this work to learn all this. I hope everything works out for you.

[Artie Lang]

your insecurities got the better of you. since you were a cheater yourself, you were of the mind that ANYONE was capable of cheating; and this thought process is true-- ANYONE is capable of the dastardly deed... ANYONE!

 

i wouldn't say karma took place, as you were never cheated-on. but, your invlovement in such a relationship made you suspicious of peoples actions and motives. this could very well be your undoing.

 

 

touching on the subject of karma, as well as heeding ''what goes around comes around.'' i find it rather amusing that many people who cheat are unaware that karma might not hit them specifically, but can hit a member of their family.....say, their children.

 

i read on another forum not too long ago, where this woman cheated on her husband for a substantial amount of time and realized very little fallout from the "incident." she salvaged her marriage and repaired broken relationships, and all in all had a very fulfilling "new" marriage.

 

when it came time for her children to wed and start their own families, tragedy finally hit very close. it so happened that her daughter's husband was cheating on her also. she described the pain in her daughters eyes and the resulting turmoil that soon followed, as the husband left for the OW. one of her last words in her thread summerized the pain she felt for her daughter, which resonated with her. she said something to the effect "Now I know what it really feels to hurt."

 

it took her daughters own experience with infidelity to realize the devastating effects infidelity has on people.

 

moral of the story-- BEWARE! it might not catch up to you personally, but it might very well catch up to a person very close to you.

 

like they say-- KARMA IS A BITCH!

[xxSRMxx]

I hope you forgive yourself. Yes, your past behavior and actions hurt people - probably more than just the wife and yourself. I think counseling will be very good for you.

 

I don't believe that affairs "just happen" - they are conscious decisions. They are not like random accidents. They are planned and executed.

 

You now see the effects of the affair. Did you 'cause' things to go downhill with your bf? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe your insecurities were part of the issue. Maybe your past insight into how easily some people cheat affected you?

 

What matters most is you are out of the affair and I would guess you probably will never again become an ow. If all this pain brings that realization to you, then I think you learned a valuable life lesson.

 

I hope in time, you can come to see that not all men cheat - just the cowards and liars. There are very good, honest, decent, loyal men out there. There are men out there who would never want or expect to hide a relationship. The ones that expect/want a woman to be hidden or a secret are not worth your time. No woman should ever be expected to share the person they love with someone else and no man should want his woman to be hurt or minimized.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Yeah, I mean i knew all men didn't cheat...I had a very loyal honest boyfriend but due to my own insecurities i blew it.

 

Thank you for your kind encouraging words, If i could eventually get back the man I lost then that would really make me the happiest person ever, but right now, hes happy being on his own with his own space and he really wants me to work on my own issues...even after the stupid psycho way i went on after the break up and the accusations, he still hopes i get help, a really wonderful man he is. Even if i never get him back i would love for one day to have him as a good friend.

 

I agree that karma can touch others and not neccesarily us aswell... Its just hard, very hard to forgive yourself for inflicting such pain on someone. Luckily they didnt have children, I think living with myself wouldve been even harder. I also strongly agree that affairs definately dont JUST happen, they take alot of planning and time to think about... alot of thought goes into them, I often wonder what exactly is going through the MM mind at the time?? Did he think I was just going to be quiet and deal with it all the time?

 

Its a long journey, but i do pride myself on the fact i held my hands up on D day, I accepted what I had done, just a shame i didnt get help for it sooner. still, least im doing it now right!

[Got it]

Yeah, I mean i knew all men didn't cheat...I had a very loyal honest boyfriend but due to my own insecurities i blew it.

 

Thank you for your kind encouraging words, If i could eventually get back the man I lost then that would really make me the happiest person ever, but right now, hes happy being on his own with his own space and he really wants me to work on my own issues...even after the stupid psycho way i went on after the break up and the accusations, he still hopes i get help, a really wonderful man he is. Even if i never get him back i would love for one day to have him as a good friend.

 

I agree that karma can touch others and not neccesarily us aswell... Its just hard, very hard to forgive yourself for inflicting such pain on someone. Luckily they didnt have children, I think living with myself wouldve been even harder. I also strongly agree that affairs definately dont JUST happen, they take alot of planning and time to think about... alot of thought goes into them, I often wonder what exactly is going through the MM mind at the time?? Did he think I was just going to be quiet and deal with it all the time?

 

Its a long journey, but i do pride myself on the fact i held my hands up on D day, I accepted what I had done, just a shame i didnt get help for it sooner. still, least im doing it now right!

 

I think what you should focus on, moreso than with him, is wanting that healthier, happier person that he wants you to be as well. Your "wholeness" is more important than the romantic relationship in your life as it is the foundation for that relationship. So the more you work on you and find peace and happiness there the more that other areas of your life will fall into place.

 

In regards to his wife, it is wonderful that you feel empathetic towards her and learned what you don't want to do for the future. But turning yourself and your life into a proverbial whipping boy does no one any good. It doesn't change her life, his life or your life for the better. Dust yourself off, get up, forgive yourself for your transgression, and move on. You are staying stagnant, living in the past, and it is hurting your life and you. You made a mistake. But you learned some important lessons about yourself and your interactions with others. Those are valuable lessons for you.

 

Ultimately he hurt his wife. Turn over that power and responsibility to him and let him pick up those pieces. What you do or don't do at this point will mean little to her as your worlds are completely separate. Look inward and focus on what you need to do to be happy with yourself. Love yourself.

[woinlove]

I think what you should focus on, moreso than with him, is wanting that healthier, happier person that he wants you to be as well. Your "wholeness" is more important than the romantic relationship in your life as it is the foundation for that relationship. So the more you work on you and find peace and happiness there the more that other areas of your life will fall into place.

 

In regards to his wife, it is wonderful that you feel empathetic towards her and learned what you don't want to do for the future. But turning yourself and your life into a proverbial whipping boy does no one any good. It doesn't change her life, his life or your life for the better. Dust yourself off, get up, forgive yourself for your transgression, and move on. You are staying stagnant, living in the past, and it is hurting your life and you. You made a mistake. But you learned some important lessons about yourself and your interactions with others. Those are valuable lessons for you.

 

Ultimately he hurt his wife. Turn over that power and responsibility to him and let him pick up those pieces. What you do or don't do at this point will mean little to her as your worlds are completely separate. Look inward and focus on what you need to do to be happy with yourself. Love yourself.

 

I don't see the stagnancy you refer to at all. xxS recently realized the problems she was causing herself in her R and she did exactly the right thing by getting into therapy and, look at all the progress she has made - she's identified what is really causing her problems, what she needs to do, and she is working on it. I've BTDT myself and it took me even longer to get to the stage xxS is now at. These are valuable lessons and they can serve for a lifetime after acquiring them.

 

I don't think this is stagnating at all. The bolded line seems to dismiss all that xxS has and is accomplishing, as did your earlier post saying that "therapy would help" when xxS made it clear she has been in therapy and did help and is helping.

 

However, the message we all agree on is that xxS deserves to love herself and forgive herself fully.

[Got it]

I don't see the stagnancy you refer to at all. xxS recently realized the problems she was causing herself in her R and she did exactly the right thing by getting into therapy and, look at all the progress she has made - she's identified what is really causing her problems, what she needs to do, and she is working on it. I've BTDT myself and it took me even longer to get to the stage xxS is now at. These are valuable lessons and they can serve for a lifetime after acquiring them.

 

I don't think this is stagnating at all. The bolded line seems to dismiss all that xxS has and is accomplishing, as did your earlier post saying that "therapy would help" when xxS made it clear she has been in therapy and did help and is helping.

 

However, the message we all agree on is that xxS deserves to love herself and forgive herself fully.

 

woinlove - I said that therapy would help and I was glad to see she was going that route. Please read for context.

 

Continuing to berate herself over her affair to the point of self-flaggeration and blowing up another relationship to me is staying in the past. I am not saying she isn't moving on but my perception of what she writes is a lot of active energy still coming through. It is apparent to me she still has not forgiven herself and that is what I am pushing her to do. In no way am I diminishing everything she has done, that is foolish. I applaud her for what she has done but making healthy progress does not include leaving yourself strapped up to the whipping post forever. I do not see emotionally that she has progressed. That is my perception of what she is writing. She knows her situation best and where she is.

[cocorico]

 

Has anyone else had these experiences?? This was also a massive learning curve for me, I just wanna say to u all, if and when you do eventually get yourselves out of these affairs, Make sure you fully forgive yourself for what you did before you jump into a relationship, since my ex has left me ive been in therapy etc, really working through my issues etc. Affairs have a massive effect on us, sometimes more than we think..

 

I wish you all a happy ending. xxxx

 

No, I have not had experiences like that. It sounds to me as though you allowed your insecurity to sabotage yor R because you felt that being in an A was such a heinous thing that you deserved punishment and when none was forthcoming you inflicted it yourself. I'm really sorry you felt the need to do so and can't help wishing you'd had some good counselling to help you come to terms with having acted against your values before you felt the need to hurt yourself so badly.

 

I do hope you make peace with yourself and find happiness.

[woinlove]

No, I have not had experiences like that. It sounds to me as though you allowed your insecurity to sabotage yor R because you felt that being in an A was such a heinous thing that you deserved punishment and when none was forthcoming you inflicted it yourself. I'm really sorry you felt the need to do so and can't help wishing you'd had some good counselling to help you come to terms with having acted against your values before you felt the need to hurt yourself so badly.

 

I do hope you make peace with yourself and find happiness.

 

As someone who has had experiences more like the OP, I think your assumptions are wrong. Heinous is your word, not hers. And it is not so much a need to hurt oneself, as it is a matter of insufficient understanding. Fortunately, that understanding is coming now.

 

And, for wishing the past could be different, given all the AP/WS/BS we see in pain, if we could change the past it would be best not to have affairs that involve deception and betrayal. We can't change it, but we can learn from it.

[MissBee]

Perhaps this relationship with the ex is just what you needed to be broken, to take a look deep within. Best wishes on your new journey

 

This really resonates with me. From my own experience, brokenness is often what you need to rebuild yourself, change your perspective, renew your life etc. It's not fun, nobody wants to be broken, but usually that is how you grow and become better. I don't view it through the lens of punishment, but through the lens of necessary lessons for transformation.

 

At the time of my A, I moved on from it, I was hurt a little but saddled up and rode on to more foolishness. My next real relationship after that ended with the WORST heartbreak I'd ever experienced, that lasted almost 2 years!!! I didn't connect it to the A or connect it as "karma". What I did realize about it though was that that simply was my time to be broken. That was when I began thinking about my relationship style, what love is, my own growth etc. It started a process of self-discovery and transformation that is still going today. It wasn't fun....some of the lessons I'm learning now still aren't fun, but I am a lot happier and more aware than I ever was while in the A or during my last relationship. Before that I just didn't understand...didn't think as deeply about things, had a shadow of understanding but wasn't quite there yet....I was allowed to dilly and dally and be carefree until it was my time to sit down and pay attention and be hurt badly so that I could learn.

 

This is why I strongly believe that we should leave people to their own devises and not try to plot revenge, as EVERYONE has lessons to learn and hard times that often break us to teach us these lessons, and none of us can determine when that will be for someone. It's also not about punishment but all actions having consequences and the process of growth. Transformation requires us to give up certain comforts now, in order to be uncomfortable so that you can be transformed in ways that are often better than where you were previously. I'm sure you'll be quite fine and as jchpbca says, perhaps this is simply your time to go deeper and this had to happen. Perhaps you have more growth to do before you get an even better relationship that is more lasting .

Edited May 14, 2012 by MissBee