I need help ending an affair!

[stfrocks]

I am a married woman, with 2 children and a pretty normal life. About a year and a half ago, I began talking daily to one of my husbands friends. He was going through a divorce, and having a really hard time. He started calling me at work, and we talked for hours about everything. After a couple of months of this, we started talking about getting together, hanging out... Well I had only slept with my husband, ever.. So after 4 months of talking, we met up and had sex. It was almost instant love for me. We started seeing eachother a couple of times a month. Still talking every day... We talked about everything. I found out he had a drug problem, and I didn't judge him, I just talked to him and listened... All this time, he still is friends with my husband. We just keep everything on the down low. Nights with him were wonderful. Complete inner peace.. as long as I was at his house with him once or twice a month for a few hours, I was content... Well, he started dating someone. Someone much younger, thinner, prettier than I. I hate it. It drives me crazy. He and I don't get along like we used to. We argue, I am angry, he is defensive. He lies to me about seeing her, it's awful... What used to be my escape from reality, is now constant pain.. He still wants to see me, and see her.. I can't say anything, because I am married. Now I can't seem to end the affair. I want to, but I just can't. I fear I am co-dependant.. I love him so much, but I don't want this anymore.. Please, if you have any advise, help me. I just want him to love me... In the past he made me feel so good.....

[kiababy]

If he's causing you constant pain you need to leave. I'm an OW too and I want the same thing you do - to have it just be over and skip over the painful part. I don't know how to do it either but keep on reading the posts by people like Istilllovehim, Otherwomen, Kechara, Lielab........read what they've gone through/are still going through.

 

You can't make him love you, please don't let him take your self-esteem away honey.

Big hugs

[stfrocks]

If you can figure out a way for me to end it, please tell me. I have tried, believe me. . . He seems to know exactly what to say to make me still keep coming back. I think he likes the fact that I love him.. The only way I can describe it, is an addiction. I am addicted to the attention he gives me, and how he makes me feel, when he is being nice. My husband is a good guy, and if he ever found out he would be crushed.. I am SO confused... Thanks for replying. I look forward to getting to know more people at this site.

[kiababy]

It's amazing how similar all of these relationships are. Everytime I think it's time for it to be over - he's completely oblivious to the fact that want to end the affair by the way - he says or does something that blows me away and I think I can't live without him.

 

I have a hard time connecting with people on anything more than a superficial level...but he makes me FEEL. I have never told him I love him but I think I do. And he constantly feeds me with words of adoration, he'll call me out of the blue to tell me that I'm 'awesome' and 'perfect' and he feels like the luckiest man in the world to have me in his life, he remembers every word I say and, reminisces about the first night we met (which guy does that??) over and over. He even remembers every detail of our encounters and calls me to tell me what he liked best about it etc.

 

He tells me he needs me in his life and that he's 'not going anywhere...ever'. I'm older than him (42 to his 26) so I should know better right? And last night the kicker....he told me I have made him a 'better man'. My stupid-ass ex, who I supported when we first met when he was loading trucks and became a very successful real estate agent during our marriage - NEVER said anything even close to that in our entire 9-year marriage.

 

While I was writing this he called again. He seems to know exactly when to call me and what to say....he totally dominates my life. Or should I say I ALLOW him to dominate my life.

 

This is so hard and so wrong and like you I'm totally addicted!!!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

You'll have to be logged on in order to access these links. Hope they help you understand a little about what may be going on with you...

 

Coming to terms with the fact that "we may have a problem" is the first step towards getting help. EVERYONE suffers from co-dependency in one form or another, our society encourages it. Relationship addictions and/or addiction to another individual is no different than any other. By asking these questions of yourself, you are already sooo much further along than many others who are in your situation and are still wrestling with denial.

 

Good luck to you, stfrocks!

 

http://mysticcat.angelcities.com/reladdict.html

 

http://www.love-addiction.com/onlove.html

[kiababy]

I read the article titled 'Love Addiction' with great interest (I think you were directing your comments to Stfrocks but I clicked on the link anyway). Even though it was directed towards Lesbians, the principles are the same. I can identify with a few of the points the doctor makes, especially about events in childhood leading to an addiction to unhealthy relationships (pointed out by another poster yesterday), but I do not suffer from the more obsessive behaviour.

 

I agree that yes, my parents abandoned me emotionally when I was a child because they were too caught up in their hatred for each other.

 

I was surprised to learn that addiction to unhealthy relationships is about running away from intimacy, instead of pursuing it.

 

I totally agree that so-called 'love-addiction' makes me violate my own rules: he smokes pot - I hate drugs with a passion, he gets drunk, a lot, and calls me in the middle of the night when he's drunk - I do not drink, have never been drunk, and would HATE any other man calling me drunk - much less calling me at 3:00 a.m. I am a germ-a-phobe, my co-workers tease me because I keep baby-wipes on my desk and constantly wipe my phone, keyboard and tea mug off. I wash my hands about 50 million times a day, I shower 3 times a day......he is a very clean person but sometimes when I see him he has just come from work - in construction - he's filthy, and even before he jumps into the shower at my place I can't keep my hands off him!!!!!!!

 

Those things I can identify with but I am not so addicted that I don't see other men, and I don't feel the need to stalk him or follow him - heck, I don't even call him. He calls me, and always asks if I would please call him the next day and leave messages on his cell phone; and I don't feel the need to call him if I don't hear from him in a week.

 

Stfrocks - please read that article, and I would love to know if you identify with any of it.

[kiababy]

Enigma, thanks for sending this link - I can apply almost every single one of these to myself - very frightening to confront this stuff

 

Signs and Characteristics of Love Addiction:

Lack of nurturing and attention when young

Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family

Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life

Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration

Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)

Hidden Pain

Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost

Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship

Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment

Depressed

Highly manipulative and controlling of others

Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water

Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner

Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman

Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior

Intense need to control self, others, circumstances

Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems

Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)

Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain

Continual questioning of values and lifestyle

Driven, desperate, frantic personality

Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love at first sight")

Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment

Existence of a secret "double life"

Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem

Defining out-of-control behavior as normal

Defining "wants" as "needs"

Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)

Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately

[EnigmaXOXO]

ANY relationship…by its very nature, is a co-dependency between two people. Even those relationships which are considered "healthy" by clinical terms.

 

My own partner and I are VERY much dependant on each other both physically and emotionally. To say that if something should happen between us, that I would not feel the same emotional and physical withdrawal that everyone else does, would be a fallacy.

 

The only difference between my relationship and those of the OW/OM…and those who feel trapped within abusive and unhappy partnerships…is that our relationship does NOT include any pain, suffering, secrecy, shame and/or negativity. Nor does it foster any feelings of hopelessness or despair. That is not to say that I am delusional and think that there is no possibility that things might change later on down the road. Quite the opposite. Instead, I prefer not to take things for granted, and work consciously and vigilant each day to "nurture" those positive aspects between us.

 

But often, not even the best preventative measures are enough to sustain a relationship indefinitely. Even one that starts out happy and healthy. If (G-d forbid) our relationship should take a turn for the worst, I would have to apply all those difficult "letting-go" processes that everyone else does. Only when someone is unable to find the inner strength to apply those steps does a co-dependency turn into an irrational "addiction."

 

When I was sixteen, I found myself caught up in one of these self-destructive relationship addictions. I was young, naïve, and was experiencing obsessive love for the very first time. I didn't even realize that the 21-year old guy who I dated must have had some serious 'issues' of his own to want to date someone as young as me. And when he cheated on me with many of my friends (of the same age) I looked the other way. When he broke up with me, I was obsessed with trying to win him back. I couldn't stay away from him. I couldn't sleep, eat or think of anything else. My grades slipped…and so did my health.

 

Unfortunately, it took a shock to my system…a PHYSICAL "wake up" call to realize I HAD A PROBLEM. Driving to school one day, I decided to drive past his house in hopes of just getting a look at him. I missed him soooo much. I wasn't thinking about anything else, wasn't even aware of the dump truck barreling down hill and through the red light doing 60 mph. If I hadn't been so obsessed, if I hadn't convinced myself to make that turn to drive down his road, I wouldn't have almost been killed that day. A week in the hospital with a broken back gave me a lot of time to reflect on just how "out of control" I was. It took an act of G-d…but one that cured me for good!

 

Please, please…do whatever it takes to break your unhealthy relationship cycles before your relationship addictions break you. Going it "cold turkey" may hurt for a while initially, but it sure beats waiting until you've been God-smacked upside the head! By then, you could lose EVERYTHING.

[kiababy]

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you've recovered completely and aren't suffering any lasting effects from the accident - apart from emotional trauma I guess.

 

I would like to be able to take your advice and quit 'cold turkey', but his intense attention relieves my emotional pain.....one of the points I took from the symptoms listed above, which happens to be true when I really think about it.

 

But, I think my MM shows some of the same symptoms. I always thought it was cute that he liked to relive all of our encounters, but maybe it borders on obsessive to describe each and every detail over and over....he recalls everything, even the sounds I make .....And each time the sex gets a little more over the top and out of control.....we've started trying EVERYTHING....I don't want to go into detail.....some of it borders on.....twisted (o.k. nothing illegal and no cross-dressing!!)......but we can't stop.....and we keep talking about the details.

 

And he always asks me to leave messages on his cell phone describing our encounters in graphic detail so he can listen to them during the day......he says I'm his 'favourite porn star'

 

Seeing the words written down changes my perception of everything.....

[EnigmaXOXO]

Kia, I am following the many threads you have already started on this forum with much interest and concern with your continuing situation. Believe me, I have not missed a one!

 

But I think we should step aside and leave this post to stfrocks and HER situation…and to others who can lend some insight and actual experience with her original question as to: "How to end her affair."

 

Stfrocks…like ANY addiction, you have to go "cold turkey." NO MORE CONTACT. You'll have to endure the emotional and physical pains of withdrawal, but in the end you will triumph. But it will take time and distance. Once you reach that point, you'll have to go back and carefully examine what it was that led you to take this risk and choose an unhealthy relationship partner in the first place. You'll also have to examine the context of your own marriage, and decide why you don't feel your getting what you need there. Then, you'll have to make the difficult decision to either work on "fixing" it…or find the strength (once again) to walk away from another unhealthy situation.

 

Even after doing all that…there's still some MORE work ahead. In order to prevent yourself from entering into yet ANOTHER dysfunctional relationship, you'll have to learn the skills needed to choose better relationship partners, to define the difference between rational and irrational love, and acquire the tools necessary to MAINTAIN that relationship as well as your OWN identity and self-worth.

 

It won't be easy, but it CAN be done. Everyone has the capacity to get there. But sometimes, we just need a little push in the right direction and a genuine desire to want "change" bad enough to actually work for it…

[kiababy]

You're right, sorry Stfrocks.