Lexa Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) I know this is simplistic and the obvious answer is "it depends," but would you say that IN GENERAL, women hanging around in casual relationships/sleeping with a guy easily comes across in much the same way as a guy who hangs around a female "friend" without asking for anything physical in return, hoping something will happen..? basically the old adage of women trading on sex and wanting emotional needs met while guys the opposite? I'm asking because I'm coming to an epiphany about boundaries.. many of my relationships have consisted of "friend-zoning" guys who wanted more, using them for what they could give me.. while they were great friends, in the end I didn't respect them because it seemed they let me do whatever without asking for anything. Then I realized, that's exactly what I do with the guys I sleep with! I give my all to them without really asking for anything in return- why would they view me any differently? I feel like I've really been deluding myself.. I don't want to use anyone or be used anymore. Are relationships really the happy medium? How can we keep that mystery and intrigue (i.e. not sleeping with someone too soon) while still expressing authentic interest/emotion? I have so many questions running through my head that can't be answered.. Edited May 10, 2012 by Lexa Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 If the way that you've been leading your life and romantic relationships is unsatisfactory, then it does suggest that it's time for a change. I wouldn't conduct my life in the way that you described and I also wouldn't condone it. However, you're a grown woman and free to do as you please. With regard to mystery and intrigue - I think that over time both partners need to put in some effort to achieve that, otherwise it's very easy to get stuck in a rut. However, it's not always possible, in my opinion - some days will be better than others. While there's plenty of opportunity for novelty in a long-term relationship, I wouldn't say that mystery and intrigue are the main highlights. If you want those, then you might be better off continuing with a string of liaisons with various different men. However, if you're looking for shared values, interests, love, companionship and someone who'll always have your back, then perhaps an LTR is the way forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 per usual Jan. is nails 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 y'know, I think you are kinda onto something here Lexa. I think there is a common thread between "nice guys" that get used for favors/gifts/errands/companionship/validation and women who get used for sex. That common thread is weakness, desparation and exploitability. Weakness, desparation and susceptability to do being used and manipulated is a very unattractive trait and it is hard to respect someone that is so desparate and weak that they allow themselves to be used and exploited by other people, even if that other person is YOU. It makes sense in a biological/evolutionary sense too. If a male is weak and exploitable by females, that means he would be susceptable to being used and exploited by other females and he would be giving them time, energy and resources meant for his own mate and offspring. And if a female is weak and exploitable by other males that means that other guys would be screwing on her and any potential mate would not want to invest his time, energy and resources into her because there would be a good chance that the offspring she produces would not his biological children. So therefor weakness and exploitability are universally unattractive and undesirable traits for both males and females. I think your analogy is valid. Moral of the story - if you are guy, don't be a pussy. and if you are a woman, don't be a slut if you want a decent person to respect you, take you seriously and invest in you. I think I even remember my grandmother saying something similar 40-some years ago I don't think this is any kind of a newsflash. Maybe kids today missed the memo though so it's good to revisit the topic now and then. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 10, 2012 Share Posted May 10, 2012 It just sounds dysfunctional people using each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexa Posted May 10, 2012 Author Share Posted May 10, 2012 So therefor weakness and exploitability are universally unattractive and undesirable traits for both males and females. I think your analogy is valid. Moral of the story - if you are guy, don't be a pussy. and if you are a woman, don't be a slut if you want a decent person to respect you, take you seriously and invest in you. I think I even remember my grandmother saying something similar 40-some years ago I don't think this is any kind of a newsflash. Maybe kids today missed the memo though so it's good to revisit the topic now and then. Thank you for your insightful response. No one in my life told me that I was being weak and exploitable, either that or I wasn't listening because I preferred the fantasy in my head. Lol I guess that's the beauty of strangers on a forum, no room for bias. but yea I'm just getting out of college where the culture encourages hook-ups (to an extent), so good timing for me to realize this. Do you think there's a point of no return though? I really want to change - not just withhold sex in hopes of getting better outcomes, I want to BE that person with strong boundaries and sense of self.. (not to turn this into a personal thing, if anyone wants to add to the discussion of the wider concept feel free). Link to post Share on other sites
Tommyboy129 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 It is very difficult to respect a woman who allows herself to manipulate males by letting them do things for her when she knows they want something more from her. Basically both the women and men in your example are using their power for selfish needs-- not attractive at all. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I really want to change - not just withhold sex in hopes of getting better outcomes, I want to BE that person with strong boundaries and sense of self.. (not to turn this into a personal thing, if anyone wants to add to the discussion of the wider concept feel free). The key to being a person with a strong sense of self when it comes to dating is to make sure a guy is compatible with you BEFORE you sleep with him (IF, that is, you want a relationship with him - if you just want sex, that's different). Think about what characteristics you really value in a relationship, and make the "getting to know you" phase of dating a process of finding out if he has those characteristics - NOT just if you have sexual/physical chemistry. I'm not talking just about things like "sense of humor" and "honesty"... but about things like... - he treats me with respect - he treats OTHERS (waiters/his family/pets/kids) with respect - he "gets" me and understands where I am coming from most of the time - he seems mature enough for a serious relationship (doesn't party too much, has some kind of plan for the future, doesn't let his life fall apart while he plays PS3) - he values me and my thoughts/opinions Don't worry about keeping mystery and intrigue alive. Instead, focus on getting to know him. Sure, flirt and kiss and play while you get to know him, but don't hand him your heart (or your body) until he earns it. Expressing authentic emotion doesn't just mean SEXUAL emotion. There are lots of emotions to express. The most important thing is staying true to yourself, and finding someone who accepts and appreciates you as you are. Don't just use your heart (or your lust) to decide who to be with. Use your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexa Posted May 14, 2012 Author Share Posted May 14, 2012 Thank you, good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lexa Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 I need to bump this because I can't stop thinking about it. What exactly are women generally "trading" on? Affection? Having money/time spent? I can't stop thinking of it this way.. like... the more you "let" a guy do sexually without investing the more it's interpreted as weak?.. i.e. a woman saying "No I'm not that kind of girl, we need to wait" is the female equivalent of a guy saying "I'm not interested in a relationship" or "you're being too clingy" etc. ? So a prude-ish girl who won't give sex is as attractive in general as the jerk-ish guy that girls like? I feel like there's something I intuitively did not understand to begin with that other people do, I'm paranoid that there's something wrong with me now. Link to post Share on other sites
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