Dealing with my boyfriend's "voyeurism"??!!

[myrias]

I live with my boyfriend and we love each other very much, but there's something that bugs me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My boyfriend is kind of a "voyeurist". He's not a pervert, but maybe this is the best word to describe it. Let me explain the situation:

 

There is this friend of his (an ex-lover) who has a bit of a low self-esteem and likes to send out naked or in underwear pictures of herself to him and others. Know the expression "fishing for compliments"? That's her. She's not a bad person or anything, but she does this. So he gets her naked pics.

 

Normally people would receive such pics, make a comment or not and delete the emails. But my boyfriend gets a kick out of seeing the naked pics of a former lover. Not that he masturbates to them, but there's some excitement in it. So he keeps the pics.

 

He also likes to watch camwhores. Not to the point that he pays for it, but he likes to look at the free pics they usually have on the sites. And he doesn't ask for naked pics of the friend, she sends them and he doesn't delete them. I don't feel his crossing a border to something unhealthy but it hurts me and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

It's not the camwhores, those are impersonnal. I only mentioned them so you can understand how far he goes (which is not far). Camwhores/porn doesn't bother me at all. He doesn't prefer jacking off to it than to have sex with me or spend any time with me, so as long as it doesn't turn into an unhealthy obsession I'm not bothered by it.

 

But the friend's (who happens to be an ex-lover) does disturb me. Maybe it's because he finds her body amazing and mine isn't. Or maybe it’s the jealousy of an ex-lover of him knowing he likes to admire her body (and she knows it, otherwise she wouldn’t send the pics to him). I know he's really atracted to me but my self-esteem just keeps going down. I understand that he gets a kick out of it, but it's hard for me to adjust to this different behaviour. I talked to him on friday night and he told me he doesn't understand too well why he keeps them instead of deleting. It’s the kick. He knows it hurts me, but I also know he won't stop doing it, it's a situation he just can't resist. What really hurts is that he keeps them.

 

I'm not worried about betraying, I know that kick he would resist. And I don't want to feel like I'm trying to "boss" his mind. But my feelings are all mixed up... I don't want him to tell his ex "do not send me anymore naked pics of you, I have a girlfriend and I don't want anyone else". It's not that. It's the "save picture as" action instead of the "delete e-mail".

 

I’m so mixed up!!

[Debster]

I'm sorry, but IMO that is messed up.

Your boyfriend should NOT be receiving those emails and he should definitely not be saving them.

[Pyrannaste]

I don't want him to tell his ex "do not send me anymore naked pics of you, I have a girlfriend and I don't want anyone else".

 

Why not?

 

I think this is what he should be doing. Possibly without you asking.

Or he should at least block her e-mail address out of respect for you.

 

It's the "save picture as" action instead of the "delete e-mail".

 

This is very disrespectful.

 

I once got in a big argument with my bf because a female friend of him sent him sexy pics in a see-through swimsuit. I asked him to delete them immediately (he did) and I told him that it was inappropriate of his friend to send them and that I thought he should have told her so.

(I ended up again as the jealous one )

 

And it was only a friend(a dumb one too)! had they been naked pictures of a former lover I'd have been furious.

 

How would he like it if you sent naked pics of yours to a former bf?

[myrias]

She likes to send naked pictures of herself; He likes to see naked pictures of women; And I'm freaking insecure because I think it can somehow hurt the love he feels for me. I need therapy so I can learn how to trust him. Thanks (and not a drop of irony in this, only realising I need to work on my issues).

[Pyrannaste]

Myrias,

 

believe me: you *don't* need therapy.

This is not a trust issue, it's a respect issue.

Almost anyone on this forum would agree that receiving naked pics from an ex is inappropriate *unless your gf is perfectly okay with it*. And you are not perfectly okay with it, are you?

 

Pics from an ex are not like watching porn!

 

You are not confortable with it..and you have every right to.

Stop brainwashing yourself. No wonder you are insecure. It is not you who should overcome this insecurity...it should be him blocking his ex's mails.

Don't feel guilty and 'wrong' for being unconfortable with ex's naked pics.

It is very normal feeling.

If he really *can't* stop getting her naked pics even if it is hurting you(which I don't really believe), then he has an addiction he should get cured for.

Stop trying to suppress your feelings "not to be a controlling gf". Asking for some respect for your relationship and your feelings would not make you a controlling person.