Narcissistic Injury...what now?

[threebyfate]

I am wondering if you're using your ex as someone to project your own issues onto. You seem to enjoy pointing out his flaws to him, instead of focusing on your own problems.

This would be my take. She needs help.

[dsw31]

The Grudge lyrics - Tool - Lateralus - YouTube

 

This song explains my frame of mind.

 

I can choose to let it go & be humbled

 

Or

 

I can turn my grudges into gold

Edited May 20, 2012 by dsw31

[FitChick]

My ex will be the first to admit that he is a narcissist.He slightly admitted having BPD. He works as a Psychotherapist.

 

"Physician heal thyself." When I was taking the Lefkoe Method training, my classmates were mostly therapists and social workers. They had become discouraged that the conventional training in which they had been licensed was ineffective in changing patients' patterns. DSW if you don't want to spend money trying the Lefkoe Method, have your ex get the training and do it with you for free. Who knows, you both might actually change for the better and become a loving couple.

[dsw31]

"Physician heal thyself." When I was taking the Lefkoe Method training, my classmates were mostly therapists and social workers. They had become discouraged that the conventional training in which they had been licensed was ineffective in changing patients' patterns. DSW if you don't want to spend money trying the Lefkoe Method, have your ex get the training and do it with you for free. Who knows, you both might actually change for the better and become a loving couple.

 

Thanks Fitchick.

 

I'm not exactly sure what leftkoe method entails & I hope I don't sound naieve about it but, isn't the leftcoe method just training your brain to think differently?

 

If it is...It's probably a great thing for obsessive thoughts, compulsions, & even anxieties but, I think BPD & NPD is something that needs to be dealt with through talk therapy.More specifically, probably family talk therapy.

 

I don't think BPD/NPD are really "disorders".

 

I think they're just coping mechanisms for childhood traumas/wounds that need to be dealt with & worked through

[dsw31]

This would be my take. She needs help.

 

Why do I need help?

I had a little emotinal meltdown & now everyone wants to point out all my "issues"

[dsw31]

No, no... thank you.

I now know not to respond any more.

 

 

 

Well try making that choice, instead of goading and courting suffering...

but as I'm not 'toots' that probably is superfluous....

 

I apologize for my comment about not respecting anyone's opinions.

I actually do like hearing everyone's thoughts.There is just 1 person who I really connect with.I'm sorry if I offended anyone

[dsw31]

I am wondering if you're using your ex as someone to project your own issues onto. You seem to enjoy pointing out his flaws to him, instead of focusing on your own problems.

 

 

No I want to help him because I understand him & care about him

I point out all my own flaws all by myself & that's why you guys are even aware of them.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't you understand?

 

He is no longer your concern.

 

He's your ex- and as such you should be working on yourself primarily, and focussing on making progress to overcome the hurdles you're having to tackle in your own life.

Leave him aside: he is his own problem, you have enough on your own plate to deal with....

 

Let me ask you this:

 

do you think trying to fix a broken wheel, on a cart - with another broken wheel - is actually a clever idea?

[dsw31]

Don't you understand?

 

He is no longer your concern.

 

He's your ex- and as such you should be working on yourself primarily, and focussing on making progress to overcome the hurdles you're having to tackle in your own life.

Leave him aside: he is his own problem, you have enough on your own plate to deal with....

 

Let me ask you this:

 

do you think trying to fix a broken wheel, on a cart - with another broken wheel - is actually a clever idea?

 

 

I am leaving him alone & working on myself!

 

I found a perfect way to tell him something about himself, that I noticed, that I'm sure he wanted to know.

 

That's it!

 

I'm not trying to fix him!

[dsw31]

So I got a text from my ex this morning,

 

He sent me that picture of himself giving me the finger

(the one where he looks like a different person)

The caption said" Smoke me out. I'm fiending"

 

I ignored it.

 

An hour later he says

"Today is my last day of smoking so be expecting some crazy behavior"

(Meaning he had some & didn't even need me to smoke him out)

 

* also meaning--

(He won't be self medicating with marijuana so all his real emotions are going to be coming out & he wants to excuse himself before it all comes out)

 

I'm expecting him to miss the sh*t out of me.

 

Yup....I planted my seed & now I have to step back & continue to work on myself

[LittleTiger]

So I got a text from my ex this morning,

 

He sent me that picture of himself giving me the finger

(the one where he looks like a different person)

The caption said" Smoke me out. I'm fiending"

 

I ignored it.

 

An hour later he says

"Today is my last day of smoking so be expecting some crazy behavior"

(Meaning he had some & didn't even need me to smoke him out)

 

* also meaning--

(He won't be self medicating with marijuana so all his real emotions are going to be coming out & he wants to excuse himself before it all comes out)

 

I'm expecting him to miss the sh*t out of me.

 

Yup....I planted my seed & now I have to step back & continue to work on myself

 

For someone who has said she is 'leaving him alone' and 'working on myself' you sure do spend a lot of time posting about him and his issues!

[dsw31]

For someone who has said she is 'leaving him alone' and 'working on myself' you sure do spend a lot of time posting about him and his issues!

 

Riiight!

 

I'm begining to see this site for what it is.

 

Everyone is allowed to obsessively post about their ex, as long as they are sad & mopey and don't have a clue..

 

I really starting to think a lot of people are just jealous because I know how to communicate with my ex.

 

Don't hate the game...it's just life.

Edited May 20, 2012 by dsw31

[SpiralOut]

No I want to help him because I understand him & care about him

I point out all my own flaws all by myself & that's why you guys are even aware of them.

 

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to leave that person alone.

[dsw31]

You're right Spiralout.

 

That's exactly what I'm doing.

He was the one who texted me.

He even warned me to be expecting alot of crazy behavior from him

 

 

So far...so good

 

This is exactly what I was expecting from him

[FitChick]

I don't think BPD/NPD are really "disorders". I think they're just coping mechanisms for childhood traumas/wounds that need to be dealt with & worked through

 

That's why the Lefkoe Method works better than conventional therapy and is quicker and therefore cheaper in the long run. I posted a link upthread but here it is again. Watch the videos in the Professional Endorsements and Success Stories sections. You may have heard of many of those people.

 

Try one phone session. It's $200/hr same as most talk therapy.

[dsw31]

F*ck!

 

I just saw my ex.He jogged past & he looked amazing!

He was smiling & said

 

"Hi! Today's my last day.Don't you care?

You must really hate me?"

 

I hid my smile & tried not to even look at him

 

I just said "Hi. I don't hate you but"...

 

I was stunned & didn't know what to say so I just stopped myself.Didn't say anything else

 

I could feel his akwardness & then he said. "have a good night" & jogged off.

 

 

I hate that I have to go through these occasional pop ups of him.

[Dark Phoenix]

Ive been watching her threads for a while, for those of you that think that she needs help, she's doing just fine on her own. She's figuring things out.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes time to find peace within yourself after a nuclear bomb goes off in your life.

 

You can call me narcissistic as well and I do not see it as a handicap, but more as a strength.

 

Happiness should not be the ultimate goal, inner peace is the ultimate goal. There are so many positive emotions besides happiness, other positive emotions include sadness, anger, love, serene, hope, etc.

 

As for the broken wheel comment, i haven't seen one person on this forum yet that is not a broken wheel including myself. I laughed and thought pot calling kettle black.

 

Instead of us broken wheels trying to fix her, lets empathize and understand what shes going through and encourage her to keep doing what shes doing in order to help her journey.

 

There is no need to try and play captain save a hoe, tell her she needs to do this or that, shes a smart girl and is figuring things out. I figured it out with time and hard work, she will as well

[TaraMaiden]

 

I really starting to think a lot of people are just jealous because I know how to communicate with my ex.

 

what you don't get is that we're not jealous.

but you shouldn't be communicating with him at all.

It should be NC, because until you implement it, you're moving with one foot nailed to the floor.

[moser]

Let me share my experience, because it is somehow similar.

 

I finished a relationship with a BDP three months ago and it hurts like hell. I was ready for the mad house. The real hurt did not come from ending it - there was just too much fighting and she actually was suffering more than me. But it came from her jealous making actions by starting an affair with somebody in my neighbourhood. Although I know she is not capable of sustaining a relationship, let alone make somebody happy, it hurts on a very primitive level.

 

Just as the feelings I had for her were very primitive. Our physical interaction, her smell etc.

 

Back in the dating game, I realise once again that ordinary women bore me.

 

I too, asked myself the question whether I suffered narcistic injury, but whatever the case may be, I am beginning to believe it all dates back to my childhood. Horrible divorce of my parents at a young age, farther who didn't really care about me and a mother working to keep the money coming in. The anxiety and pain I feel now somehow reminded me of those days.

 

Good for you can communicate with your ex. I very much doubt he has bdp, otherwise normal communnication would be very much impossible.

 

All I am saying is do some soul searching!

Edited May 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
decorum

[dsw31]

Let me share my experience, because it is somehow similar.

 

I finished a relationship with a BDP three months ago and it hurts like hell. I was ready for the mad house. The real hurt did not come from ending it - there was just too much fighting and she actually was suffering more than me. But it came from her jealous making actions by starting an affair with somebody in my neighbourhood. Although I know she is not capable of sustaining a relationship, let alone make somebody happy, it hurts on a very primitive level.

 

Just as the feelings I had for her were very primitive. Our physical interaction, her smell etc.

 

Back in the dating game, I realise once again that ordinary women bore me.

 

I too, asked myself the question whether I suffered narcistic injury, but whatever the case may be, I am beginning to believe it all dates back to my childhood. Horrible divorce of my parents at a young age, farther who didn't really care about me and a mother working to keep the money coming in. The anxiety and pain I feel now somehow reminded me of those days.

 

Good for you can communicate with your ex. I very much doubt he has bdp, otherwise normal communnication would be very much impossible.

 

All I am saying is do some soul searching!

 

I'm sorry about your difficult experience with your ex & thanks for empathizing with me.

 

I know I was a little harsh toward the end of my thread.I guess I was just frustrated with so many people saying that I'm out of control & that I have so many issues & need help.I apologize again for being offensive to anyone.

 

Just a FYI- I realize most people won't take me serious & I'm not diagnosing but... I'm absolutely positive that my ex has some sort of overlapping Bipolar/BPD/ NPD.

 

There was no such thing as communication most of the time.

He would either start screaming in rage, or shut down & act like a child.The only way for me to communicate with him is by manipulation & stooping to his level.

 

(not saying it's a good thing...just making it clear that the average person would not be able to get through to him like I can)

Edited May 25, 2012 by dsw31

[moser]

Sounds very familiar. By the way I am on the same emotional rollercoaster and it can change pretty rapidly. Can feel dead one minute, happy and full of energy the other. In the company of others, I can perform a very good act and they may never tell how I am really feeling.

 

I am in therapy and I think some of the therapists I spoke to in the beginning who would determine what kind of treatment I needed, where toying with the idea of a personality disorder (I got this from the questions they were asking)! I could have traits, I guess, but I am a very empathic person. Nor do I have temper problems, or act selfish. But hey, whatever. It doesn't help you thinking about which label would fit.

 

I seemed to understand my ex, even though normal communication about the relationship was not possible. She even went to therapy for the first time in her life. It didn't help not even a tiny bit. The attachment issues got worse when the relationship progressed. She broke up with me every one or two months for ridiculous reasons, but the true reason being: to leave me before I could leave her.

 

I do not think she was capable of loving me when I was not around and that was why she was trying to press me into moving in, which would have been disastrous. Her concept of love is very different and I do not think it is possible to have a functioning relationship with her.

 

However, even in bed with other women I still fantasize about her....It is like god is playing a cruel joke. He made me attracted to one person who will only hurt me the minute she starts getting attached.

 

But I am beginning to believe that there was an upside. I have been running from my **** since puberty. Drinking, partying, even drugs at some point, excessive sports, etc. A couple of months ago, still in the relationship, I noticed I could not look at pictures of my childhood without crying. I really did not have an idea where it came from. Now I hit rock bottom, many things start to come back. It is really weird to see I apparantly stashed away many difficult feelings from a long time ago.

 

You understand where the ex fitted in. She was quite a distraction as well!

 

So **** it, have to go through this and hopefully become a better person.

 

I hope you can do the same, but you really need to let go. What helps me is, instead of saying goodbye to this person, is thinking well, if her therapy will pay off in the future and I understand myself better, I can always take another chance with her! But it also means, that it is impossible in these circumstances.

 

Maybe this is very bad advice, but go for a rebound guy. Afterwards your perspective may change! However, be truthfull with him and tell him you are coming out of an relationship and are not looking for another.

[dsw31]

Sounds very familiar. By the way I am on the same emotional rollercoaster and it can change pretty rapidly. Can feel dead one minute, happy and full of energy the other. In the company of others, I can perform a very good act and they may never tell how I am really feeling.

 

I am in therapy and I think some of the therapists I spoke to in the beginning who would determine what kind of treatment I needed, where toying with the idea of a personality disorder (I got this from the questions they were asking)! I could have traits, I guess, but I am a very empathic person. Nor do I have temper problems, or act selfish. But hey, whatever. It doesn't help you thinking about which label would fit.

 

I seemed to understand my ex, even though normal communication about the relationship was not possible. She even went to therapy for the first time in her life. It didn't help not even a tiny bit. The attachment issues got worse when the relationship progressed. She broke up with me every one or two months for ridiculous reasons, but the true reason being: to leave me before I could leave her.

 

I do not think she was capable of loving me when I was not around and that was why she was trying to press me into moving in, which would have been disastrous. Her concept of love is very different and I do not think it is possible to have a functioning relationship with her.

 

However, even in bed with other women I still fantasize about her....It is like god is playing a cruel joke. He made me attracted to one person who will only hurt me the minute she starts getting attached.

 

But I am beginning to believe that there was an upside. I have been running from my **** since puberty. Drinking, partying, even drugs at some point, excessive sports, etc. A couple of months ago, still in the relationship, I noticed I could not look at pictures of my childhood without crying. I really did not have an idea where it came from. Now I hit rock bottom, many things start to come back. It is really weird to see I apparantly stashed away many difficult feelings from a long time ago.

 

You understand where the ex fitted in. She was quite a distraction as well!

 

So **** it, have to go through this and hopefully become a better person.

 

I hope you can do the same, but you really need to let go. What helps me is, instead of saying goodbye to this person, is thinking well, if her therapy will pay off in the future and I understand myself better, I can always take another chance with her! But it also means, that it is impossible in these circumstances.

 

Maybe this is very bad advice, but go for a rebound guy. Afterwards your perspective may change! However, be truthfull with him and tell him you are coming out of an relationship and are not looking for another.

 

Thanks for sharing that Moser,

 

I have tried rebounding & that just made me miss my ex even more.For now-I'm trying to find happiness within myself.Some days are better than others.Today I'm sad again.I just wish I could take a pill or something to speed up the recovery process.

[moser]

Don't know if you still follow this post. My ex checked in on me and wanted to talk to me and meet me again. I thought well let's get it over with so I answered her call, told her I would not meet her. Beforehand, I thought this is a text book example of her behaviour. Her new relationship didn't work out (Duh) and she needed attention from old lovers, maybe even try to hook up again. It is never about me. Well that part was true. However, told her how much she hurt me and she began to cry. She said she wanted to have her own family so bad, but she always failed. Said she couldn't handle me not being around and she couldn't handle me being around (always sabotaging the relatonship in order to avoid being abonded). Too my surprise she was actually interested to hear this and I could reason with her. I ended the conversation and felt somehow relieved. But I think it was a trap as now I am starting to miss her again. ****. Talked to her mother and she asked me if we would come back together. Wtf, what's wrong with these people? I am angry at myself for bringing it all back by talking to her. Somehow I am now hoping she would see her faults, work harder on them and expressing her love for me. Which of course will never happen. I am starting to think my whole life revolves around fantasy thinking and it prevents me from engaging in real relationships, with functional people. Too boring I guess. Come tomorrow I will have my distraction in work and sports. I am beginning to hate weekends.....