Narcissistic Injury...what now?

[Taramere]

Thanks for the book recomendation Taramere!

I will give it a look.

I honestly don't believe counselling will help me either.Maybe what I'm looking for,from the doctor, are anti depressants to get me feeling normal.I can mimic empathy with the best of them.I'm just desperate for some kind of help because I feel dead.

 

Well perhaps that can help. One of the features of depression is that people who have it lose interest in things they normally enjoy. Feelings can deaden.

 

The first person I was ever close to who had suffered depression throughout his life was an ex boyfriend. He was pretty much permanently on anti-depressants...which affected me too, because I had this unrealistic sense that I should be able to make a partner happy enough that their depression would be "cured". Of course, what actually happened was that I ended up getting depressed myself, feeling like a failure etc.

 

When we split up, the way he behaved towards me seemed very narcissistic. Despite always having had an interest in psychology, I hadn't even heard of "narcissistic personality disorder" until that point. I found his behaviour so strange and distressing that I googled various search terms related to it...and lo and behold, up came NPD. I'm sure I'm not the first to find out about it that way.

 

Certainly his personality had a lot of the classic narcissistic traits. A sense of grandiosity (sufficient to alienate a lot of people), meltdowns when he wasn't getting the treatment he deserved, extreme selfishness and refusal to compromise (taking pride, in fact, in his refusal to compromise) etc. The question is, was he narcissistic...or did his depression just manifest in this rather strange way?

 

I'm a believer in the 16 different temperaments outlined by Myers Briggs. If you haven't seen it before, take a look.

 

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I think anybody can fall prey to depression, though some types are perhaps more susceptible. It makes sense to me that a person's basic temperament would dictate who that depression manifests in their outlook/behaviour. When I'm going through a phase where I feel a bit down I find that clients and colleagues (law, social work - I've worked in both areas) tend to connect very strongly with me and disclose a lot about their problems to me....which I respond well to. Another personality type might become less empathic when they're feeling down. Less interested in others.

 

That's why I think it's a mistake to leap into making diagnoses about personality disorders. Different personalities can vary dramatically in the way they handle stress and disappointment. It doesn't necessarily mean person A is the picture of emotional functionality and person B is disordered.

 

Depression might, in your case, rob you of your ability to empathise with others. Maybe not...I don't know. However, it seems worth your while to consult with your doctor and find out whether you are suffering from this very common and treatable condition before diving into the abyss of diagnosing yourself with various personality disorders.

[dsw31]

You can't outsmart a good Lefkoe Method facilitator. When you make a phone appointment tell them you need someone who cannot be manipulated because you are a master manipulator. That is why therapists use the Method on themselves. They know every trick in the book. I don't think you can circumvent the Method either because you are using your own "cleverness". It's irrelevant whether you are or not a narcissist with the Method. You just need to figure out the beliefs driving your pattern and their source.

 

Thanks FitChick,

 

This is the kind of info I'm looking for!

[dsw31]

I'm really beginning to believe this is more of a Bipolar or BPD thing. I've never noticed, up until now, how much my moods go up & down.I'm happy one minute, mad the next, then sad, then happy again.I think my grandiose moods are just part of that.

 

(maybe I'm just thinking I'm crazy because I was involved with a crazy man?)

 

It's so confusing!

 

Can a clinician diagnose Bipolar or BPD with a blood test, or brain test, or is it just based on a questionarre? Also - if it is Bipolar or BPD - can the leftcoe method work for that?

I mean, if my brain's chemicals are out of wack-wouldn't I need medication?

 

Wow! You guys are witnessing a real life emotinal meltdown!

Edited May 12, 2012 by dsw31

[d'Arthez]

Ok...

I'm not sure if being with a Bipolar/BPD/NPD has actually made me crazy?

Or if I may actually have Bipolar/BPD/NPD?

There is a lot to be said about mental health disorders being communicable in close relationships, partly because eccentric / outlandish / insane / hostile behaviour becomes par for the course in a relationship with a bipolar/BPD/NPD person. This may well be a shift in perception of what you believe is "normal".

 

Once you get out of such a relationship it is easy to see how messed up interaction patterns have become; you are primed to notice them. Does not necessarily mean you are insane or crazy.

 

The longer you are removed from the insane ex-partner the more you will return to proper "normalcy".

 

There are no simple blood tests or anything like that for any mental health disorder. Not even questionairres, since they would suffer from low reliability. It might not be a bad idea to go for a few sessions with a properly qualified psychologist.

[dsw31]

There is a lot to be said about mental health disorders being communicable in close relationships, partly because eccentric / outlandish / insane / hostile behaviour becomes par for the course in a relationship with a bipolar/BPD/NPD person. This may well be a shift in perception of what you believe is "normal".

 

Once you get out of such a relationship it is easy to see how messed up interaction patterns have become; you are primed to notice them. Does not necessarily mean you are insane or crazy.

 

The longer you are removed from the insane ex-partner the more you will return to proper "normalcy".

 

There are no simple blood tests or anything like that for any mental health disorder. Not even questionairres, since they would suffer from low reliability. It might not be a bad idea to go for a few sessions with a properly qualified psychologist.

 

 

Thanks for that d'Arthez!

 

I am planning on seeing a psychologist very soon.

 

The more I research bipolar, the more I believe I have it.I think my loss of sleep, over the past few months, has caused me to go manic.I literally feel "high" all the time right now.

I slept for 16 hours yesterday to try to calm my brain down.

 

I see now that my "forward" behavior is inapropriate.I tend to be very forward & confident at times. Sometimes I'm hilarious.Sometimes I'm flirty. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to people.I even see now ,that I cheated on my ex in the beginning of our relationship during a split decision.(I was so selfish & didn't even reallze the pain I cause with that, until it ruined my relationship) It's like I disassociated myself! I have shopping compulsions.I alternate between happy & angry & sad...mostly sad though.

 

 

 

I believe my ex may have more of a borderine personality disorder(perhaps overlapping disorders with bipolar)

 

My ex has these symptoms - Very depressed & empty most of the time, hates women, low sex drive,talks in baby talk,disassociation,restlessness,black & white thinking,kitchen sinking,ocd...

 

Then during his grandiose moods,ultra confident,very sexual with cheating compulsions.Writes & plays original music.

 

 

We've both got our own problems & I do believe that's why we had such a close connection.

 

Birds of a feather flock together.

 

I am going to get the help that I need, I probably would not have realized I actually need, help without all of you Loveshackers.You guys are all so awesome.Thank you!

Edited May 13, 2012 by dsw31

[d'Arthez]

Not going to claim you have bi-polar. But it certainly would not help to see a psychologist if you can, because "normalcy" has become a blurred concept for you after all these years.

 

Does not mean you are crazy or anything. The highs may also be explained by the current stressful situation you find yourself in - and that may be true to some extent in the past as well. People tend to act out of the ordinary in extraordinary circumstances.

 

Do see a psychologist, it will be greatly beneficial to you.

[dsw31]

I just can't stop the manipulation!!

 

I emailed my ex on Sunday night.

 

Told him that I've been seeing a psychologist lately & almost went into psychosis on Friday.I told him I've been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar.Told him I'm taking lithium & am doing better now.

 

I then told him that since he's a better psychologist than I will ever be, he probably already knows that, birds of a feather flock together.

Meaning BPD/NPD/Bipolar people are always attracted to each other.

 

 

Told him that my psychologist asked me not to talk to him anymore but , I just had to tell him that... "I've been closer to him than anyone, over the last 3 years, & I've seen all the symptoms of BPD in him" (I explained all of them in detail)

 

 

Told him that I believe I had my own manic stage before (when I cheated on him) & that I disassociated myself until I really realized all the pain that it had caused him.

(I Really blocked that out of my memory...until it came back to bite me.)

 

Then I told him that "I understand how he feels."

Told him that I realize that when he's manic, it feels great & I don't blame him.

I told him that the depression does get worse though, if not treated.

Told him that I won't be contacting him anymore & that I truley hope he's able to find what he's looking for & I want him to be happy.

_______________________________________________________________

Then he tried calling me when he got the email..........

 

 

I texted back saying-

"my psychologist said I should not be talking you.

I'll get in touch with him when I'm ready"

 

 

Then he texted-

"Who is your psychologist?

Lithium is dangerous! You should not be taking that.

Your doctor's an idiot"

 

 

Then he texted-

"You are just trying to manipulate me,aren't you?"

 

 

Then he tried to call me two times. (I didn't answer)

 

 

 

Finally after the 3rd call...

I answered & told him-

"I can't talk tonight, I'll talk to you soon"

 

 

Then he texts me-

a picture of himself, giving me the finger.

(the caption said"happy mothers day")

 

(He looked like another person.Full of rage! He didn't even look like the same person!!)

 

 

I decided to text back-

"happy 3 year anniversary of the day I went nuts"

 

 

He texted back-

"Yes - It's all my fault"

 

 

I texted-

"sorry.It's not your fault that I'm crazy"

 

 

He texted-

"don't apologize"

________________________________________________________________

 

Sooo....I guess he believed me because today...

 

 

He texts me-

"are you still working & everything?"

 

 

Then an hour later, he texts-

"Ok sounds good, I'll see you on Saturday"

(an attempt to make me think he's texting someone else)

 

Then he texts-

"Nothing?"

_______________________________________________________________

I finally texted back-

"Disregard that last message.

I was trying to manipulate you.

I have not seen a psychologist yet but, I will be.

I won't do it again.I'm sorry"

 

 

Then he texted-

"Can we talk?"

_______________________________________________________________

 

We just talked on the phone.

 

I told him that I'm sorry for manipulating but, I was just hoping he could see all the pain he causes other people.I told him that I need to get professional help, to get over this breakup because, I'm obviously codependent. I told him that I think I really have Bipolar & most likely narcissism too. If I didn't - I wouldn't even want him after all the horrible things he has done.

 

He said he misses me like crazy but, he has a sex addiction.He told me he was jerking off to his computer at that very moment. I told him this is his time of year.That we always break up around spring time & that it's his manic season.I even mentioned how we met in May & he was a different person.(much like he's probably putting on an act for all kinds of women he's probably courting right now) He admitted to there being some truth in his moods changing with the season.

 

He finally admitted that he has considered the fact that he may have BPD or some other disorder (I forgot what term he used).

 

He said that my behavior is normal for what I am going through & said that, "if I were the one who would have broke up with him, he would be acting the same way as I am right now." I said "thanks for finally admitting it - you would only want me, if I didn't want you?"

 

We talked about how we both have some core traumas issues.And how some of that has to do with fear of abandonment & a fear of attachment. I said that whatever happened in his childhood,should be addressed.He said that maybe I'm right about that.He even agreed that his rage is out of control and that he uses it as a defense mechanism.

 

I said -

"Great! So we finally agree?

Ok-call me in a few years when you're normal & I'm normal"

 

& we laughed and said goodnight.

 

 

 

 

I just can't help myself!!!!!

[threebyfate]

I'm not going to comment on your post since it will give you the attention fix you crave.

 

Go see a psychiatrist. If necessary, they can prescribe meds. Psychologists can't.

[dsw31]

I'm not going to comment on your post since it will give you the attention fix you crave.

 

Go see a psychiatrist. If necessary, they can prescribe meds. Psychologists can't.

 

Come on Threebyfate!

I only crave attention from other BPD/NPD/Bipolars

(or other unstable people) That's what excites me!

 

I'm just writing out what I'm doing.

 

It's been very eye opening & theraputic.

 

If anyone has any comments, or advice, or anything to say about it,

I'd be more than happy to read it.Not expecting any advice. It's just nice

to see other peoples' perspective sometimes.

 

I'm sure I won't win this battle but atleast I gave it my all...

 

I just want my ex to know he has a personality disorder.

 

 

 

I do plan on seeing a psychiatrist very soon. I'm getting a refferral.

I don't think it will help that much but, I'm giving it a shot

[TaraMaiden]

dsw31....

 

you may be manipulative, but you're also extremely weak.

 

And predictably boring.

 

Good luck in your life.

You're going to need it.

 

I'm out of here.

[d'Arthez]

Good that you are going to see a psychiatrist. Stop contacting or responding to your ex. It is tempting to do, since life will feel boring to you unless there is a fair amount of drama. As addictive as the highs and the emotional randomness can become, it would not get you much further in life.

[dsw31]

dsw31....

 

you may be manipulative, but you're also extremely weak.

 

And predictably boring.

 

Good luck in your life.

You're going to need it.

 

I'm out of here.

 

 

Boring & weak...

 

I'll give you that but...

 

Don't you think it's a clever way to make him realize how eff'd up he is too?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

That's not for you to say.

It's none of your business any more, he's YOUR EX!!

Bewithchedandbothered has an ex with severe personality disorders - but she neither gives a damn, nor thinks it necessary to tell him.

you need to stop creating drama for yourself, leave him well alone, and just take care and responsibility for yourself.

You've received a lot of good advice here, about the type of professional support you should seek.

Why not concentrate on that, and do your level best to forget his situation?

He's someone else's problem, not yours.

[dsw31]

No.

That's not for you to say.

It's none of your business any more, he's YOUR EX!!

Bewithchedandbothered has an ex with severe personality disorders - but she neither gives a damn, nor thinks it necessary to tell him.

you need to stop creating drama for yourself, leave him well alone, and just take care and responsibility for yourself.

You've received a lot of good advice here, about the type of professional support you should seek.

Why not concentrate on that, and do your level best to forget his situation?

He's someone else's problem, not yours.

 

I know it's not for me to say but....

 

I get satisfaction knowing that, if I haven't atleast allowed him realize his behaviour is destructive, I've most likely atleast made an impact in his thinking.He took the day off of work today.This is the 3rd time in the last month, and it always happens the day after I speak to him.I get satisfaction from thinking I made him suffer emotionally because I'm now damaged emotionally.It's an eye for an eye... as long as I'm not physically harming him.

 

No offense to Bewitched & Bothered, (You know I love you B&B!)

I think she's a wonderful addition to this site.She has even helped me so much.Her humor & insight is always helpful but, I have also noticed times when she is partial to women.She immediately assumes that the man was at fault for the disfunction & that's not always healthy either.Maybe there's some unresolved anger there?

 

Maybe I am resolving my anger,the only way I know how?

 

This is my way of getting my power back.I want him to always remember that I was the one who called him out on his disfunction.

 

When he totally fails in life- He will always remember me.

[d'Arthez]

I get satisfaction knowing that, if I haven't atleast allowed him realize his behaviour is destructive, I've most likely atleast made an impact in his thinking.He took the day off of work today.This is the 3rd time in the last month, and it always happens the day after I speak to him.I get satisfaction from thinking I made him suffer emotionally because I'm now damaged emotionally.It's an eye for an eye... as long as I'm not physically harming him.

This is (self-)destructive behaviour, which does nothing to sort your issues. You may even be making his issues worse. How that is helping anyone is beyond me.

 

If you make it your life goal to make another person miserable, you are throwing your life away.

[TaraMaiden]

Physically harming him be damned.

 

Anyone will tell you psychological harm is harder to heal from, and if you think this guy already has a personality disorder, you're adding to it, making it worse and playing mind-games with him, which is basically completely out of order.

 

This is my way of getting my power back.I want him to always remember that I was the one who called him out on his disfunction.

No, this is a way of getting your own back, and creating suffering in someone's mind; who the heck do you think you are, to 'call him out on his dysfunction' when neither his nor yours is actually diagnosed, verified and confirmed?

Dangerous, dangerous move...

you have no right, no authority and absolutely no place to be acting in this way towards him. it's extremely undignified and beneath you.

 

When he totally fails in life- He will always remember me.

If this is the way you'd rather be remembered, I feel sorry for him.

That's a really sad way to behave.

I really thought you were bigger than that.

[dsw31]

Physically harming him be damned.

 

Anyone will tell you psychological harm is harder to heal from, and if you think this guy already has a personality disorder, you're adding to it, making it worse and playing mind-games with him, which is basically completely out of order.

 

 

No, this is a way of getting your own back, and creating suffering in someone's mind; who the heck do you think you are, to 'call him out on his dysfunction' when neither his nor yours is actually diagnosed, verified and confirmed?

Dangerous, dangerous move...

you have no right, no authority and absolutely no place to be acting in this way towards him. it's extremely undignified and beneath you.

 

 

If this is the way you'd rather be remembered, I feel sorry for him.

That's a really sad way to behave.

I really thought you were bigger than that.

 

 

He will be just fine....probably tomorrow.

 

He is smart enough to know more psychological tricks than I do.

 

That's just the way it works unfortunately.

 

The BPD always wins

[TaraMaiden]

well then what are you doing it for?!

Quit bashing him - and yourself over the head, here!

It's not a clever thing to do...!

Stay away from him, leave him alone, and just deal with the stuff on your own plate.

[dsw31]

well then what are you doing it for?!

Quit bashing him - and yourself over the head, here!

It's not a clever thing to do...!

Stay away from him, leave him alone, and just deal with the stuff on your own plate.

 

 

Lol!

 

I know!

 

I just can't stop! That's all I was saying.

 

I'm just giving you guys a glimpse into my self destructive thought process

[TaraMaiden]

If it only 'destroyed' you, that would be one thing - but you're still trying to exert control and be manipulative with someone else - someone with whom you no longer have the right, or business to contact, bother or get into the mind of....

it's not funny, and really, you should stop yourself, because you can.

Oh, yes you can.

If you're as clever' at manipulating others, as you say you are, you're clever enough to stop yourself too.

 

But you don't want to.

creating a bow wave, is what you enjoy doing, and the enjoyment is too much for you to want to give it up.

 

Lol, indeed.....

 

It's not funny.

[dsw31]

If it only 'destroyed' you, that would be one thing - but you're still trying to exert control and be manipulative with someone else - someone with whom you no longer have the right, or business to contact, bother or get into the mind of....

it's not funny, and really, you should stop yourself, because you can.

Oh, yes you can.

If you're as clever' at manipulating others, as you say you are, you're clever enough to stop yourself too.

 

But you don't want to.

creating a bow wave, is what you enjoy doing, and the enjoyment is too much for you to want to give it up.

 

Lol, indeed.....

 

It's not funny.

 

 

Thanks for your tough love Tara. I really do appreciate it.

 

It's actually not funny... I can't control the way my brain thinks!

 

It's just a compulsion because, I'm hurt.

 

This does not hurt my ex.He actually wants to be in contact with me.

 

I will be leaving him alone now.

 

He has to start being sober for 30 days starting tomorrow.

 

(He's going to be a rage a holic for the next month)

 

That should stop my itch to contact him - while I work on my own issues

[wilsonx]

I said -

"Great! So we finally agree?

Ok-call me in a few years when you're normal & I'm normal"

 

& we laughed and said goodnight.

 

this is so cute and true! its like you can see in the future.

 

Right! Now moving forward.

 

 

We can all sit here and give you advice, but you know and I know you wont listen and do it. You're just venting, so here's my advice

 

Nature will take its course and things will work out the way they work out.

 

Trust me on this, you will be fine, your ex will be fine.

[dsw31]

this is so cute and true! its like you can see in the future.

 

Right! Now moving forward.

 

 

We can all sit here and give you advice, but you know and I know you wont listen and do it. You're just venting, so here's my advice

 

Nature will take its course and things will work out the way they work out.

 

Trust me on this, you will be fine, your ex will be fine.

 

 

 

This is the most soothing advice I've heard.

 

Thanks sexy!

[dsw31]

To anyone who may have been concerned about my ex's well being...

 

No need to worry!

 

He is doing just fine....and even egging me on

 

(He just took a picture of my car & sent it to me)

 

I'm not the only one playing mind games here.

[TaraMaiden]

yes, but you're the only clever, decent and intelligent one to implement No Contact - aren't you....?