Thank you for your some insight here! :)

[pettie]

Alright. Here is the deal.

 

I'm not the kind of girlfriend that gets easily annoyed. When something is bothering me, I try first to figure it out clearly, on my own, identify what exactly is bothering me, and then state it to him suggesting ways to solve the problem rather than blaming me or him about it. More than year together and almost not a serious argumment or fight. We are able to reason things out calmly, all the time.

 

Anyway, having said this, and as our relationship is growing more mature and stronger (and more serious); I've realised that, whenever it comes for a serious issue (not necesarilly a problem), there are two things:

 

1. I always have to be the one to bring it up, even if him does have it in mind too.

2. As a consequence (I think) from number 1, it's getting a bit difficult for me to start these conversations.

 

There is a particular thing we *have* to discuss soon but haven't been able to. I'm not sure on how to approach it or how to make this conversation come out naturally without feeling I'm nagging or forcing it. What I'm trying to say is that, rather than the subject of the conversation itself, what I want advice on is in what way I can make this (or any other) conversation flow without feeling I am pushing it.

 

Now, about him, he is the type of guy that is very, very work focused. He is the conservative, traditional type that wants to solve everything in his and my world, but sometimes needs to be told "what to solve" in order to start to think about it. That's why, I think, I've found myself starting these conversations most of the time.

 

Also, he is financially limited at the moment. Being the traditionalist he is, I think he hurts about the fact that he is not able to sort things out (ie. visits, moving in together, etc) and "provide" for me as soon as he would like to, even when he knows I have a very good job and I don't mind assuming most of the financial burden a LDR involves, until things get better for him. He would go crazy at me suggesting or offering to pay for something or, in a broader sense, me taking the responsability of what he thinks it should be a "man's job". I believe this is precisely, the core of all this issue.

 

I don't know if I can really "solve" this, but at least, I would love to read some opinions or experiences to get a better idea of how to handle it. In simple words, how do you make a man understand he can "receive", financially speaking, from a woman, without hurting his ego? and in the mean time, my initial question, how can I make serious conversations roll without feeling I'm pushing them?

 

Thanks in advance.

[pettie]

Argh, I messed up the title! lol

 

"Thank you for some insight here!" is how it should have come out.

 

Ah well.

[TaraMaiden]

You can't 'make' him do anything.

You have, in this case, to bite your lip and just let him come up with the problem.

Not every problem you perceive is going to be the same level problem to him.

 

Not every problem you perceive will be your responsibility to air, discuss and fix.

 

Take responsibility for your part.

Don't assume responsibility for resolving matters.

 

It's not all on you, and if he chooses to not air stuff in the same way you do, then you have to accept that and deal with it.

Not everything can run to your mechanism, like clockwork.

[pettie]

You can't 'make' him do anything.

You have, in this case, to bite your lip and just let him come up with the problem.

Not every problem you perceive is going to be the same level problem to him.

 

Not every problem you perceive will be your responsibility to air, discuss and fix.

 

Exactly, that's what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want to "make" him do anything and I've never tried to. This particular thing is not a problem, it's just something important we have to talk about and even agreed on doing so a couple of weeks ago. I do see your point, but, to give an example, it's like you agreed (even suggested by him) yesterday that you would talk about fixing the sink today, but instead, he spends all day talking about buying you flowers. Did he forget about it? What do you do? remind him? I don't know, but it baffles me a bit.

 

Take responsibility for your part.

Don't assume responsibility for resolving matters.

 

It's not all on you, and if he chooses to not air stuff in the same way you do, then you have to accept that and deal with it.

Not everything can run to your mechanism, like clockwork.

 

You just turned me all upside down with this. I understand. It looks like I see him trying to assume all the responsability when I am actually the one doing so, to take it away from him. If that makes sense.

[TaraMaiden]

Women tend to vent and gripe and have a need to be heard. They're not necessarily looking for an immediate solution, but they just like to know someone has listened and understands that there's something on her mind....

 

Men tend to hear the problem, but then feel they are expected to solve it, and immediately, too. It's an inherent Hunter/Gatherer characteristic.

Not only are they presented with a situation, but they have to deal with it. So men can be great prevaricators.

 

You may believe he should deal with, confront and meet with any issues as seriously as you do.

You may earn more than he does, and you think this impinges on his male ego.

He sees you earn more than he does, and maybe he thinks you think he should go out and get a better job.

 

So while there is a problem, you may be looking at it from different angles....

Perhaps you just need to let things lie until he decides that the situation is one he has to discuss with you....

[pettie]

I know. I don't mind if he earns more or less than I do; I just want him to be happy with whatever he is doing. But still, as you say, it's perhaps a man's thing, to always need to be or feel he is the provider.

 

In any case, I think I understand what you are trying to tell me. I will let this alone for a while until he is ready. I guess that another thing is that I'm very organised, thinking with schedules and he is very last minute, but then, as you said before, I have to accept that and deal with it.

 

This was an incredible piece of advice. Thank you very much.

[TaraMaiden]

I know. I don't mind if he earns more or less than I do; I just want him to be happy with whatever he is doing. But still, as you say, it's perhaps a man's thing, to always need to be or feel he is the provider.

It may also help to examine his background... maybe he came from a home where his parents had 'traditional' roles and his dad worked while his mom was a 'home-maker'....

People are heavily influenced by their original upbringing, customs and social conditioning....

I, on the other hand, grew up in a household where both my parents worked.

Sometimes, it was because they needed to, to earn enough to sustain the family, at others it's because they wanted to... In either case, I, influenced by my mother's professionalism and independent spirit (And trust me, she went very much against the grain of her upbringing) grew up to not be a typical home-maker at all.

So people either conform, or rebel.... depending on how precisely they processed the influence....

 

In any case, I think I understand what you are trying to tell me. I will let this alone for a while until he is ready. I guess that another thing is that I'm very organised, thinking with schedules and he is very last minute, but then, as you said before, I have to accept that and deal with it.

It's very difficult to suppress a natural instinct or desire to function in a way you normally do.

Perhaps this is one aspect of your relationship you could both explore, without any direct reference to any specific agenda.

you are two different people, with polar-opposite ways of viewing things and dealing with them.

Rather than permit this to become a possible eventual cause for a rift in future, why nor find a way to reach a compromise, so that both your needs are met to a mutually acceptable level?

Maybe there are some aspects of your practical day-to-day lives you could be directly responsible for, and others for which he could take on the major job-load.

I can't be more specific than that, because I don't know either of you.

but it's an option to consider....

 

This was an incredible piece of advice. Thank you very much.

Aw shucks, it was nothing....

I have these long periods of brilliance, punctuated occasionally by dazzling instances of genius....

 

 

 

 

(That was a joke. )

Edited May 11, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[pettie]

In that case, I think I am the one "rebelling", being a very independant woman in every sense; work focused as well. In his case, it made him a hard working, strong-willed and tradicional person. I agree with what you mean by being influenced by the upbringing.

 

You are right when saying we are different people, although we tend to agree in most things. We have discussed our opinions on how a house should be run, or how a couple or marriage should split responsabilities, etc. in several occasions, but not because we are planning to get married any time soon; those conversations were pretty much espontaneous. After that, we both knew what we wanted, knew what to expect and at the same time, he recognises I am a very independant and strong-willed woman, as I recognise he is a tradicionalist and strong-willed man as well. I guess it's the same but different to a certain extent. While both being conservatives, I'm a bit more liberal than him. Even when having (not so much) different views on certain things, he respects me and accepts me the way I am, as I do the same for him. So yes, we are still trying to find the "golden mean", but I think we are pretty close to it.

 

It's just that... everything is more complicated to manage in a LDR!! and small things sometimes seem bigger than they really are.

 

Anyway, I feel much better now. Thank you, again, for your time. I'll keep your words in mind!

 

and lol!