Author jim40 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 I find that whenever you have to question your 'relationship' your doubts are usually right. True...never easy though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jim40 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 Taramaiden...u know a little about whats going on. U say shes my gf but go no contact?? What do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Jim, the wise thing to do here is end the relationship. That means telling your 'girlfriend' or whatever she is (it doesn't much matter what you label it) that you no longer want to see her or speak to her. The only way to get back your control in this situation is to 'take' it. You are in charge of your own life - not her. She may be the one playing games but you are the one who is allowing it to happen. Her game needs two people to keep it going and you are one of them. Stop playing and walk away! NC as TaraMaiden says - NO CONTACT. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Taramaiden...u know a little about whats going on. U say shes my gf but go no contact?? What do i do? Precisely what Little Tiger advises. Let's say we have some poor sap who through an unfortunate condition, has an injured foot. everything has been done to heal the in jured foot, to make it well, and to render the owner of the foot to use the foot again, entirely, and with no problem. but no matter what has been done, the foot persists in being injured, and no amount or tender loving care, medication or therapy is going to make that foit better. And now, the poison from that foot, threatens to spread throughout the system, and cause further pain, damage and agonising suffering to its owner. The doctor tells the patient that the only course of action now left available - the only option - is to remove the gangrenous and necrotic foot. But here's the thing: The doctor is not going to remove that foot piece by piece. He's not going to trim away over a period of time, to remove it little by little, because the remaining bad piece is still in danger of spreading poison to the other healthy part of the system. No - the doctor has to remove the foot safely, quickly and definitively. when you think of your GF - think of a frostbitten, dead, necrotic and toxic part of you that needs to go - otherwise it will invade you completely and poison you further. Harsh metaphor - but accurate. Amputate. All of it. Now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 ^^^ Grim but excellent analogy TM! Link to post Share on other sites
marsha80 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Anyone wanting to be part lover, part friend will be neither in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jim40 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 Haha...check this out. I was at work last night and she texted me...i responded nicely but short. We ended it with goodnight and she texted me back asking me why i was so short with her and if some other girl was taking me home....lol...hilarious! I ended it with "are u scared to as me about your delivery?" I ordered her flowers yesterday. She responded back saying "what delivery?" I left it at that and went to bed (she said she was home going to bed too) . This morning she texted and said thank u for the flowers...her mom just recieved them at the door. I responded nicely "yw but u received the flowers last night at 7:12 pm and your mom signed for them." She says "well i just got out of the shower and i thought i heard the door." I didnt get mad....kept my cool. Is it just me or does anyone else think this is weird? (I had called the florist and got the time of the delivery and who had signed for them) Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 There's no point talking to you, is there? This was your basic, huge mistake: Haha...check this out. I was at work last night and she texted me...i responded nicely but short. This should read: Haha...check this out. I was at work last night and she texted me...I completely ignored it and will continue to do so, no matter how hard and often she tries. In fact, i have deleted her number, and blocked her incoming, so I won't even know she tried - how cool is that...?! Please stop wasting my time with this drivel. I'll pay attention again, when i find you've actually listened to all our input, efforts to support you and sound advice. Otherwise, what the hell are we doing here, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Haha...check this out. I was at work last night and she texted me...i responded nicely but short. We ended it with goodnight and she texted me back asking me why i was so short with her and if some other girl was taking me home....lol...hilarious! I ended it with "are u scared to as me about your delivery?" I ordered her flowers yesterday. She responded back saying "what delivery?" I left it at that and went to bed (she said she was home going to bed too) . This morning she texted and said thank u for the flowers...her mom just recieved them at the door. I responded nicely "yw but u received the flowers last night at 7:12 pm and your mom signed for them." She says "well i just got out of the shower and i thought i heard the door." I didnt get mad....kept my cool. Is it just me or does anyone else think this is weird? (I had called the florist and got the time of the delivery and who had signed for them) What is weird is that you come on here asking for advice and then you completely ignore it! Several people have recommended you go NC because this girl is using you as her plaything. Instead of going NC, you come back and report more of her game playing behaviour - with lies thrown in to boot - and pretend that you are finding it amusing! How do you expect anyone to take you seriously? Of course, you don't have to take any of the advice you are given....but....how much longer are you going to let this girl treat you so badly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jim40 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 Ok so do i tell her about nc? I think i should... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Read post #13. go with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jim40 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 What u all dont understand is i am at fault with alot of things before all this. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 Ok so do i tell her about nc? I think i should... Just to make it really easy for you - here is post #13 - courtesy of TaraMaiden: NC is for your benefit, not hers.... Read the link in my signature (The Caliguy one - post #2 in this thread....). He actually worked in the same building, for the same company, as his ex. just went completely NC on her. had the desired effect...... If you feel you need to tell her, then tell her; it's not up for discussion. You tell her, you don't reach a mutual agreement. "Being in touch with you rips me to the core. the way I feel about you, friendship is out of the question. I am going NC. Do me the courtesy of not contacting me again." Short, sweet, direct and straight to the point. Nothing there to discuss or misunderstand. Wise words - you would do well to follow them Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 What u all dont understand is i am at fault with alot of things before all this. It makes it very difficult to give advice if we don't get the full story up front! What else do we need to know that might change our opinion on the situation? What exactly is it that we don't understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) OP - what you need to understand is that NC is a tool for you to move on with your life in the fastest and move effective way. It removes all the set backs we usually have when in low contact - ramdom txt ping-pong with all the mixed messages which just make the process of moving on harder. I hear that you are saying that you feel you have lost this girl because you were too possessive. Ok. She broke-up with you, but wants to keep up an Exclusive FWB situation. I don't think this means she is your girlfriend. I think it means, she likes you, but finds you too full on and wants you to trust her and give her space, but she doesn't want to lose you completely. This is pretty selfish, but oh well, let's put that aside for a minute. You have 2 choices. Choice 1. - Go NC as previously advised. Explain to her politely why and then stick to it. Or don't explain it her and have lot's of txts from her for the next few weeks and get all in a tiz over them and what they mean/what you should do. NC will eventually help you move on from this and be in a better place to meet someone else. Choice 2. - Have the FWB situation with her as she has asked. Let her initiate any meet-ups you have. Never make the first move or first contact. Date other people. Go out, have fun. As soon as you meet someone you want to date a second time, STOP BEING AVAILABLE FOR YOUR FWB. I can tell you right now that option 1 will be the simplest. Option 2 will drag your soul through the hell and back and be very hard to maintain without getting complicated or hurting someone, more likely yourself. Edited May 12, 2012 by Million.to.1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jim40 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Share Posted May 12, 2012 A miillion to 1....u got it perfectly..u know whats going on. I have to think tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Share Posted May 12, 2012 What u all dont understand is i am at fault with alot of things before all this. Fine. Let's take that as read. No problem. Is that supposed to be a surprise revelation? If she had not perceived any 'fault' she would not have broken up with you, but obviously whatever 'fault' you have, was too great an issue for her to want to discuss it with you. So we all accept that obviously you had a fault she could not com to terms with. That's a given.... isn't it? That's why people break up. So what's your point? How does that change anything? Does admitting that you were 'at fault with a lot of things' change the situation now? No. She broke up with you. But she still wants to be able to have sex with you, providing you don't have sex with anyone else. But you're still 'broken up' Nope. Unacceptable. she's that gangrenous appendage you need to get rid of. No contact. End of story. There truly is nothing to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) What exactly have you done that makes you think this is your fault? It sounds a bit to me like she did like you and enjoyed sex and everything but felt you were over-possessive so she broke the official link between you. Now she can see you without you having any claim over her, so it suits her. She doesn't have to explain what she's doing to you or who with - maybe you expected her to before? Was she justified in feeling you were over-possessive? It seems possible if you checked when the delivery of the flowers was and got worked up about her not acknowledging it at the right time. If someone is possessive, they check the other person's movements and quite often challenge them on it. If you were doing this, it would be overwhelming. I have experienced this myself, someone checking when they sent me things, when I answered, how many times I answered, whether I paid them enough attention that day or not, and it's irritating and worrying. Being cool and calm and refusing to get involved in these checking behaviours is a much better idea. You can still have boundaries and not let someone treat you badly, but checking up on every detail on them and calling them to account is destructive. Cats don't like being chased: if you leave them alone they will come back eventually of their own free will. People are a bit like this too. If you try to pin them down, they back off. You need to trust that the right girl for you will come to you and won't need you to monitor her all the time. Edited May 13, 2012 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jim40 Posted May 13, 2012 Author Share Posted May 13, 2012 Well said and i feel crappy about it. I am changing... Link to post Share on other sites
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