I cheated and now feel like my feelings changed...or am i just confused?

[htownracer]

I have a problem...

 

about a month ago I went out and cheated on my girlfriend...welll pretty much did. We had got in a fight that day over me wanting to watch a boxing match instead of being with her...she got very upset when she was taking me home and threw a plate of food on me. It upset me but no too much...anyways...she took off really upset...

 

I was drinking and watched the fight with my friends...after the fight I felt bad about what I had done...I called her and tried to talk to her but she was crying and saying she could not talk to me at the time..she said she was too upset to talk so she hung up on me...

 

I kept on drinking with my friends...they then decided to go to a hotel room with some friends and some girls they had met. We went and kept on drinking. We ended up getting high on cocaine. It made made kind of angry at what my girl had done after that and made me think about previous arguments we had in the past and comments she had made which hurt me. We were at the hotel and two of my friends were in the other room with two girls...they were having sex with them. After one of them was done he came in to the room we were in and asked who was next. Me out of anger went in and tried to get it on with one of those girls...I took my clothes off...put on my jimmy hat...and jumped in the bed with that girl...started getting all over her and everything only think was I could not get an erection due to being on cocaine and I kept picturing my girlfriend and I started feeling guilty. I ended up getting off the girl and telling her that I couldnt do this...got dressed and went to the other room.

 

I kept on drinking and thinking about what I had done...started feeling bad about it...Then went home and fell asleep. The next day my girlfriend calls me and says she's sorry about what she did the night before...I said it was fine but I felt so bad about what had happened. We went out to the movies that day but I could not eat and felt so sad about what I had done. Got throught that day. Returned to work Monday and felt like crap...could not work or eat lunch....same for Tuesday and Wednesday...Thursday came and I felt better thinking about a vacation her and I were going on that weekend. We were leaving for Hawaii on Saturday. I got over it and we went on our trip. Didn't even think about what had happened and had a great time with her the whole time over there and when we got back.

 

Returned to work a week later. Monday went norma. Tuesday I though about it a bit more. Went to her house afterwards and she bought me some food even though she was low on money. I started feeling bad that this girl does whatever she can for me and look at what I did. Wednesday day came around and I was crappy again. Felt like crying and throwing up. Thursday came around and still the same and Friday as well. I saw her on Friday but before I did I had been drinking to try and get over it. I saw her and still felt bad about what I had done but kinda got over it.

 

The next day I went to the mall with her and I felt like breaking down and crying but held it in. We went back to my house and I couldnt take it anymore..i broke down crying and told her something had happened but I only told her that some girl had been kissing up on me but that I pushed her a way as I felt guilty.I thought at least saying something would make me feel better and it did for a while...she cried but forgave me and said it was ok because at least I had stopped her. She said she needed a drink so we went out to drink...I started feeling like things were back to normal...we went back to my house and she fell asleep in my arms...I felt good. When she woke up for me to take her home I felt kinda bad again...I think it was because I was still not telling her the truth. I took her home..came home..and went to sleep.

 

We went to the movies the next day and again I felt sad and like crying. I went to her house almost everyday of that week and felt bad...Just more and more guilty knowing I was now telling two lies. She went out with her friends on Friday and so did I...I missed her and kept picturing her with some other guys so I would call her up just to see how things were going. At the end of the night when she told me she was home I went home and started feeling bad again...The next day I told her I couldn't take it...that I felt we needed some time apart for me to forget about what I had done...that each time I was around her I felt like I didn't know her anymore (That is how I felt...I don't know why...I felt like we weren't even together anymore...can't understand why though).

 

She asked me to pick her up so I did and we went to a park by her house, she cried and asked what else I had done because there is no way I should be feeling that way for the little that had happened...I fessed up and told her every single thing...she cried and said she was saddened by what I had done but said she could not be without me...she needed me in her life. She said she was willing to forgive me as she saw it as the alcohol having done that and not me. We went back to my house and watched some movies...went to get her oil change done and at the oil place told her I really felt like my feelings had changed and told her I really thought we needed time apart. She got sad but held the crying in until we left...we then went back to my house.

 

We talked things out and decided to go on in our relationship to see how things went...we then had sex about twice and I kinda got over my sadness...we stayed all day together...at night we went and got something to eat then went back to my house and ate. We watched more movies for the rest of the night but it kept running throught my head that my feelings were changing and I was scared of that happening...I wanted things to be the way they used to be but I just didnt see them that way anymore. I used to wanna be with her all the time and now I was nervous to see her...I was scared to feel sad around her. Anyways...the night ended and I took her home.

 

Sunday we went to church...she was kinda crying throughout mass...she said I was acting different...after mass she decided to give me time and broke down crying a lot...we decided to take some time off from eachother...when she dropped me off I broke down crying asking myself "what had I done". I went in and talked to my mom about it...she said maybe it was for the best. I went jogging to get it off my mind but couldn't...got home and kept thinking about it...still not able to eat.

 

She called saying she needed me back...I felt so sad but glad at the same time to hear her voice. I told her i would think about it. Called her back later and said that was fine...we just wouldn't see eachother throughout the week. That night I talked to my moms friend who is a psychologist. She said we should try that out and see how things went. Now here I am...its Wednesday and I kinda miss her...I think about all the good times we had and feel like it won't ever happen again although they still can. We wont be seeing eachother til Saturday...I still dont feel like eating that much and each morning I feel like throwing up...I'm scared to continue this way.

 

When I talk to her on the phone I feel happy but sad at the same time...more on the happy side though and I end up getting Hungry so I'm able to eat. I feel sad when she does nice things for me though..I don't know why. Any advice is appreciated. Has anyone ever felt like this and had things work out. What could it be?Please help.

[savethedrama4allama]

My biggest piece of advice: lay off the cocaine.

I still get a little misty when I think of all the sweet things exes did for me. It is hard to turn someone away who has been so good to you. But, if your feelings have changed you are really doing her a favor. She sounds like an awesome girl and she deserves someone who is willing to give back as much as she gives out.

[honey2005]

Yeah, definitely cocaine is something you need to stay away from. But if you didn't feel like you still loved her, why would you have spent all that time worrying about what you'd done, calling her and checking up on her. If you didn't love her you wouldn't have felt guilty and confessed to her. I think that showed that you really loved her. She seems like a really nice girl and you two had something great. If you think there's hope of you two being what you once used to be, I'd say go for it. Maybe something else is bothering you lately, not just what you've done and the break up. You're not eating and sleeping well, and the things that once made you happy, like the love of your life, don't seem to anymore. Maybe you're experiencing depression, and I'd have that checked before I gave up on my girl completely. Don't lose her when a little medication might bring you back to your old self.

[htownracer]

Thanks for the advice Honey2005. Thats exactly what I was thinking and what I was told. It could be depression. It could be the fact that I held it in for a while and kept feeling lower and lower about myself for not being honest and now I'm just having trouble getting back up. I am supposed to see the Psychologist in another week or so because she wants to see how things are going. She didn't wanna put me on meds yet to see if it could be overcome like this without them. I'm scared to lose this girl...we have so many great memories. We're staying the night together this weekend so I'll see how things go...hopefully well. I'll post what happens next week.

[Dee Dee]

You changed the course of history. The only responsile item for your actions are you and you alone.

The use of cocaine and alcohol only contributing factors - they did not make you do anything.

[honey2005]

Good luck, I hope everything works out:)