BS in distress - going to divorce the cheat

[tears_in_rain]

2 months on from my wife walking out of our marriage and then me finding evidence of an emotional and physical affair and I'm still in pieces. Everyday the rollercoaster of pain from being blindsided, betrayed, lied to and shear despair is almost unbearable.

 

I'm on antidepression meds to keep me going just. I'm still waiting for therapy which I needed long ago but have to wait for another two weeks for. Everyday is still physical pain and waves of emotional pain. Worst of all is the volcano in my mind of wanting to tell my wife I know everything that she has done. The pain she has cause and the chainsawing of my heart and soul. She doesn't know that I know everything about the affair.

 

I met her the other day to get something back from her and we had a little general chit chat about what were up to. I turned up look smart and confident even though inside I was a mess. She said I had lost weight. I said it was the gym. (really just through stress - although the gym is toning whats left) I tried to seem like I was busy getting on with life and doing things, which I am trying to do for myself anyway. But all I really wanted to do was scream at her.....you f-ing bit(h ..you've destroyed everything we had for 15 years and you took the cowards way out of dealing with the marriage and instead started f-ing our mutual friend as your answer to it all.

 

She sent me a text immediately after we went our separate ways that night saying she was pleased I'm looking after myself and then another saying 'this is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life, my heart will never recover.' What about my heart you gutless POS ! You have no idea what pain is until you've walked in my shoes !

 

I've started divorce proceedings against her already but she won't get server the papers for a few weeks yet.

 

Just before the papers arrive I'll tell her I'm divorcing her but should I tell her that I know everything. I'm not sure if it will make her unmanagable for the divorce. The knowledge of the affair is burning through my brain every second of every day.

[worldgonewrong]

I can relate, bro.

 

So sorry.

Was with my wife for about the same duration as you were with yours. It's like they've murdered your soul, your heart.

[96nole]

Same here man. I was with her for 15 years. But she knows I know about her affairs to the dirtbag. It is painful. It is harder for you than for her.

 

I'm 3 months out from kicking her out because of her 2nd affair with her dirtbag. It still sucks but I can tell you I'm in a better place than I was at 2 months. I'm not saying I'm all better. But I'm better now than last month. You will be too. It is one day at a time. You'll continue with good days and bad days.

 

I didn't tell my STBX about being served. I let her get served at work in front of everyone, including her boss. I was going to be nice and tell her in advance, but I changed my mind after some of her actions.

 

Have you spent anytime over at the infidelity board. There are a lot of us over there in the same situation. There is a lot of good advice over there as well.

 

Is her affair partner married?

Have you been checked for STD's? She was obviously physical with him before she left you.

[TaraMaiden]

Just before the papers arrive I'll tell her I'm divorcing her but should I tell her that I know everything. I'm not sure if it will make her unmanagable for the divorce. The knowledge of the affair is burning through my brain every second of every day.

Don't forewarn her.

Let the papers be a surprise.

she will then contact you and you can cut her off at the knees and tell her -

 

"I really think we have nothing more to say to one another; I know *this*, and *this* and I know about *this* too. So nothing you could say now, would ever make me feel anything good about you. contact from now on, is for the essential, but as far as everything else goes, you are out of my life and dead to me."

 

Maybe..... ?

[tears_in_rain]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I should say that I have been together with the stbxw for 15 years but married for 2 1/2 years. Although it does feel like a 15 years marriage. We just didn't thought we needed a 'piece of paper' to prove our love for a long while.

We were supposed to be starting to try for kids when she dropped the bomb. In hindsight its lucky we didn't.

 

Yes the heart and soul is now a butchered pile of meat on the floor and the blood seeps towards the nearby drain marked 'hellish nightmare'. Thanks woman who always said we were soulmates and that she would never be the sort of person who would cheat on someone.

 

I've checked out the infidelity board alot and I can see I'm certainly not alone in all this. In fact its quite distressing that there are so many people in such great pain. I was reading on another site the other day and this guy said he was standing in line somewhere and the elderly lady in front of him turned around, looked at him and gave him a hug. The guy says 'whats that for ?' and the lady says 'you look like someone who needs a hug'. The guy replied 'thanks I did. That's probably the best hug I've ever had. Thank you'

I hope we all get a hug like that.

 

I'd love to just let the papers arrive on her doorstep, I'm just worried about her doing something like contesting it. Which would be pointless as that would mean that she didn't believe the marriage was over. Not to mention expensive and long and drawn out.

 

I do love TaraMaiden's idea. I might steal that speech.

[tears_in_rain]

Oh yeah...

 

Her affair partner is not married. He WAS a mutual friend who unfortunately lives a few doors down from me.

 

I've not been checked for std's maybe I should though as I'm not sure if the physical aspect started when she walked out.

[Steen719]

Hi Tears,

So sorry for your pain. It is distressing that so many of us face this. You will feel stronger. It will take some time and 2 months is not long at all. You will start feeling better and learn to be grateful for the times you do. You will have one good day and then maybe string two good days together. The pain might be indescribable, but so many understand. Feel bad when you need to, cry and feel bad and know that it might take a long time to feel good again, but you will. Hang in there! {{{HUGS}}}

[analystfromhell]

Time, and the IC will help a lot. It's helped me tremendously but it's only been in retrospect- like finding an old photograph and realizing how ridiculous those bell bottoms looked. So it'll take a while if it's healing properly and it'll hurt a lot in the meanwhile.

 

As to the logistical arrangements, why not spare yourself the pain and just serve the papers, draw up a draft agreement and have your lawyer deal with hers? Set the whole mess as aside from your mental time and effort as you can. It seemed the interaction with her was just picking at the wound and to some extent that she came back after you separated to pick at you one more time. So no contact might help- certainly reminding yourself of her especially at this tough time can't be good for your soul. Please give your soul the space and help it needs- Would it help you to keep the interactions with her civil, infrequent and at arms length? Use the energy at the gym or with your counselor and keep it for yourself.

Edited May 11, 2012 by analystfromhell

[Steen719]

Time, and the IC will help a lot. It's helped me tremendously but it's only been in retrospect- like finding an old photograph and realizing how ridiculous those bell bottoms looked. So it'll take a while if it's healing properly and it'll hurt a lot in the meanwhile.

 

The above bolded is a good point. Trying to get around the pain will not work in the long run. It will surface later and could be worse and could happen at at time that you might have been healed if you had gone through it at the time of the pain.

[worldgonewrong]

Re the above 2 prescient replies -

 

keep in mind too that the pain is cyclical; it'll come in waves.

I've been separated for 1 yr and 4 months.

Of recent, I thought I had a mastery over the sadness - but wham, these past couple weeks have been hellish, just thinking about stuff.

So ride it out. Know that the pain is going to come, it's unavoidable, but you will begin to slowly have more good days than bad days (as I generally have).

[TaraMaiden]

.....I do love TaraMaiden's idea. I might steal that speech.

i put it there just for you hun....

<Virtual> (((hugs))).

poor substitute, but it's the best I can do.....

[Yasuandio]

I love TaraM's speech too. But, I would say it whilst talking to myself - profiling in front of the mirror, hand on hip, wagging a pointed finger, with attitude, at my image, with a slick grin (practice makes perfect).

 

The divorce papers speak for themselves. If the documents do not mention her fling, then you probably should also hold your cards, and avoid her like the plague.

 

Same advice whether you want to split for good, or reconcile. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know you know. When and if she drops the bomb, if there is a point you agree to convo with her (which I wouldn't recommend), your response to her announcement and/or confession will be so underwhelming. [You realize, the BOMB is the high point of the affair drama, correct? So bad you're going to spoil that moment for her, or dear].

 

You are doing great! Keep doing what you are doing. ACT HAPPY. You don't know noth-tin, you just want to make her happy, cuz, yr happy when shz happy. All's fair in love and war. War is Hell. Divorce is WAR. Lose lips Sink Ships. You got me Soldier? Bravo! Yas

Edited May 11, 2012 by Yasuandio

[TaraMaiden]

.....

 

The divorce papers speak for themselves. If the documents do not mention her fling, then you probably should also hold your cards, and avoid her like the plague.

 

Divorce papers are just legal documents which give cause for the marriage terminating, but they do not elaborate, specify, go into detail or apportion blame per se.

They merely state that the petitioner is seeking to terminate the marriage on the grounds of the spouse's adultery.

 

Every solicitor specialising in divorce, that I know of, strongly recommends that the third party NOT be named.

That complicates the legal procedure, and can lead to delays, counter-petitions and legal courtroom arguments and recriminations.

Therefore the spouse is cited as having committed adultery with a third party.

 

And this doesn't even seek to lay blame. It merely gives reason for termination. (you'd think 'adultery' would be blame enough, but there are cases for example, when maybe the adulterous partner is happy to quit a marriage to a narcissistic abusive, controlling bully.... in other words, courts don't apportion blame, they merely function on reason. )

 

Please understand i am making no reference to tears_in_rain's thread or post content at all.

this is merely a completely separate clarification of the procedure of filing for divorce.

The whole matter is viewed merely as a partnership having broken down or reached an end. Civil courts are not interested in the nitty-gritty.

they're just there to bring the matter to a legal conclusion.

[tears_in_rain]

Oh boy. More pain to come. Groovy. But I guess I knew that already.

Since finding LS and reading posts I knew there was no magic bullet for the pain aspect and the length of time it will go on. Meanwhile the stbxw feels great. No remorse in her eyes. No guilt. In fact I know she's having a great time. Cow.

 

I've taken advice from many posters about working on yourself for yourself. I go to the gym to get those endorphins going and to get in shape.

I've joined an ultimate frisbee group to meet new friends and run around like a loon. I've joined a photography course to meet more new people. Yet still there are so many hours in the day and there is so much time on my own.

 

My two best friends have been out of the country since this began so my support network is...well zilch. Or maybe one. I have a new friend who really is a very old family friend. She's the same age as me and we can be open and honest with each other because we have this common family bond. So that's nice. She's a great support right now.

 

@analystfromhell

 

You nailed it. It was picking at the wound and maybe I shouldn't have met but I did need to get a key back from her. It wasn't so much seeing her that hurt because in my eyes she's a totally different person because of what she has done. Spineless, evil and cowardly. It was the text afterwards. 'this is one of the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, my heart will never recover'.

Just so narcissistic and selfish. Me me me. No concern for anyone but her self. But yes NC will continue as before until I'll have to see her again during the divorce to make agreements etc.

 

I wish my therapy would get sorted out. It's been ages a waiting two more weeks will feel like two years. That's the UK health service for you. Might be free at the point of service but it takes ages for anything like this to get done.

 

The divorce papers will mention that she started an inappropriate relationship with another man, so maybe the penny will drop for her when she reads that bit. If she drops the bomb at that point and admits anything I will indeed shatter her illusion of secrecy regarding the affair.

 

The first casualty of war is innocence. I've lost that now all that's left is grit and determination. Oh and a sense of higher morality and superior ethics. She meanwhile has shown herself to be an inferior, undesirable and dispicable example of womanhood. I know there are much better women out there for me once I claw my way out of this.

 

Thanks for virtual hugs. I take them all virtual or otherwise.

Hugs straight back at all of you !

[tears_in_rain]

Divorce papers are just legal documents which give cause for the marriage terminating, but they do not elaborate, specify, go into detail or apportion blame per se.

They merely state that the petitioner is seeking to terminate the marriage on the grounds of the spouse's adultery.

 

Every solicitor specialising in divorce, that I know of, strongly recommends that the third party NOT be named.

That complicates the legal procedure, and can lead to delays, counter-petitions and legal courtroom arguments and recriminations.

Therefore the spouse is cited as having committed adultery with a third party.

 

And this doesn't even seek to lay blame. It merely gives reason for termination. (you'd think 'adultery' would be blame enough, but there are cases for example, when maybe the adulterous partner is happy to quit a marriage to a narcissistic abusive, controlling bully.... in other words, courts don't apportion blame, they merely function on reason. )

 

Please understand i am making no reference to tears_in_rain's thread or post content at all.

this is merely a completely separate clarification of the procedure of filing for divorce.

The whole matter is viewed merely as a partnership having broken down or reached an end. Civil courts are not interested in the nitty-gritty.

they're just there to bring the matter to a legal conclusion.

 

All true !

 

In the UK there are two grounds you can use to divorce :

 

Adultery (intercourse with another man/woman)

or

Unreasonable Behaviour (must give 5 or six reasons why you believe the marriage has irretrievably broken down. ie) neglect, abuse, she farted alot)

 

Either one doesn't really assign blame in the courts eyes. Its more of a procedural thing to show that the petitioner believes the marriage should be dissolved. If the judge agrees with the reasons shown he / she will grant that the divorce be allowed to proceed.

 

The blame and mudslinging will start if the two parties cannot agree on finances, assets, kids etc. That's when it gets expensive, drawn out, emotionally charged and when the lawyers rub their greedy hands together in anticipation.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm also in the UK, if that is of any comfort.

i don't know where you are, but at least it's not transatlantic.

 

[tears_in_rain]

I'm also in the UK, if that is of any comfort.

i don't know where you are, but at least it's not transatlantic.

 

 

Cool ! I live where there is a Big bloke called Ben, some palaces where the queen lives and some big red buses that never turn up when you really need them.

 

[TaraMaiden]

Cool ! I live where there is a Big bloke called Ben, some palaces where the queen lives and some big red buses that never turn up when you really need them.

 

....what does?

 

I live near one of our great University cities... not the one with spires, the other, 'light blue' one...watching the stunts of the c**ts in the punts....

 

I guess a midway point would be the first location of the first battle in the 100 years war, the location of the first Christian Martyr, and the place Boudicca burned to the ground when the romans got shirty with the Iceni....once known as Verulam.....

Edited May 11, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[tears_in_rain]

....what does?

 

I live near one of our great University cities... not the one with spires, the other, 'light blue' one...watching the stunts of the c**ts in the punts....

 

I guess a midway point would be the first location of the first battle in the 100 years war, the location of the first Christian Martyr, and the place Boudicca burned to the ground when the romans got shirty with the Iceni....once known as Verulam.....

 

Ahhh...A bridge rather than a ford.

 

I take it that the midway point is quite saintly.

 

I had to google Verulam. Or Verulamium in Roman times.

[tears_in_rain]

Today was one of the hardest days of my life.

As I got out from work today I got a text message from the stbxw. The divorce petition must have arrived.

 

'Do you think there is still hope in saving our marriage ???' Quickly followed by 'wtf is this about an inappropriate relationship on the divorce petition.' She then texted that the stuff on the petition sounded like my mother had written it out and that she should be furious and call me an a-hole and that she's furious. lol

 

I simply replied 'this is a serious matter that we must discuss. Meet with me here'

 

Well the meeting had blameshifting, denial, gaslightling and me telling her I know this that & the other about cheating / adultery. I did not reveal my sources or exact details. Only named the other man. Flat out denial.

'We're very close friends and I hang out with his friends.' mmmm good friends indeed.

 

When the cafe closed we walked the streets continuing the conversation. More denial.

'If you want me to make something up then I'll make up a story.' I told her the truth would be sufficient.

 

Then she says is there no hope for us, is this really it, are you sure this is what you want......she cried a bit.

 

Then more blaming me for everything wrong, blaming me for her walking out on the marriage.

Told her flat out that she could've had a mature conversation with me and face any problems and doubts in the marriage instead of walking away like a spoilt brat. That f-ing someone else was not the answer to solving anything.

 

I said I hoped we could do this divorce quickly, amicably and painlessly. Then I said goodbye and walked off.

 

Ten minutes later a torrent of texts from her. She barely texted me a couple of times since she walked out on me now this.

 

'I'm so heartbroken..wish we could start again.'

'It feels wrong for us not to be together, we fit so perfectly.'

'We can start again if you want & put in 100%....not waste any time.'

'I love you like no other & always will'

Please can we fix this, I know we can be happy again. It's not too late those scars can heal. We can raise a loving family, look after each other... there's no need to just throw away all that loving..'

I miss you & have missed you terribly...we could go to marriage counselling'

 

I've missed out many many more and my replies. One reply was 'we would have had the best family. If it wasn't for the betrayal we could still have had that.' Another was 'My life has already been bleak. You have destroyed it. I will never be the same again and will never heal. I will always bear deep scars for all the world to see. I will never trust anyone fully and will doubt everyone's intentions. I cannot imagine ever having a future that involves true happiness. I can only look out for myself and ensure that no one can come close to injuring what's left of my heart and soul'

 

Is it normal for the WW or WS to gush all of a sudden after weeks of nothing ?

Is it a symptom of reality kicking in via divorce papers?

Should I ever expect her to admit to what she's done? Is the fog still surrounding her?

There is a tiny tiny part of my brain that still loves her despite what she has done. I guess that's natural after 15 years. Even IF I decided that I could forgive her, which is unlikely, then surely she would have to start admitting to her adultery and cheating. To go to marriage counselling and just mask the truth with lies is just nuts and pointless.

 

My one boundary was cheating and she crossed that line. I don't think I could forgive and certainly not forget.

[2sunny]

Since she hasn't even been honest - no - it can't work.

 

Her blame shifting and denial and minimizing is not honest!

 

I would normally say give it another shot - but since SHE hasn't OWNED HER BEHAVIOR - there's not ONE THING to consider.

 

She's still only offering a liar! Tell her there's nothing to consider when she still doesn't know how to be honest. Without honesty and HER OFFERING UP HER HONESTY - all you have is her lies.

 

With her lies - you have no foundation.

 

Yep, it IS her fault - as SHE hasn't been honest by owning how she participated.

 

She's scared because now you have made it real. She assumed you wouldn't divorce her.

 

Don't cave without truth!

[tears_in_rain]

Since she hasn't even been honest - no - it can't work.

 

Her blame shifting and denial and minimizing is not honest!

 

I would normally say give it another shot - but since SHE hasn't OWNED HER BEHAVIOR - there's not ONE THING to consider.

 

She's still only offering a liar! Tell her there's nothing to consider when she still doesn't know how to be honest. Without honesty and HER OFFERING UP HER HONESTY - all you have is her lies.

 

With her lies - you have no foundation.

 

Yep, it IS her fault - as SHE hasn't been honest by owning how she participated.

 

She's scared because now you have made it real. She assumed you wouldn't divorce her.

 

Don't cave without truth!

 

I agree 2sunny.

 

The texting has continued through the night due to the reality slap of divorce papers. I basically said that hope can only be conceived on the terms of complete openness. Until that point truths can only lie in shadows and lies can only mask the truth.

 

Justifying to yourself that because you've removed yourself from the marriage its alright to cheat and commit adultery or have an affair doesn't make it any less than the definition of what it is.

 

She says that she ran into empty arms and says that lots of guys are knocking at her door. (nice one. way to go you're really making me feel good. thanks) ..have I run off with anyone...no I've been miserable since i left. (really...I know what you did. Gaslight me all you like I've seen you're written word and it sounds like you were having alot of fun whilst I was having alot of pain).

[tears_in_rain]

Another day and more blameshifting and gaslighting via another torrent of text messages.

 

She has even said that I have 'psychologically turned the cards' on her.

 

Further denial that she has done anything with anyone especially the one I named. Although she says something 'nearly' happened with someone else.

 

She said, 'If its what you want I will make some **** up.' My reply to that was,

'I only want truth and honest. If something nearly happened with someone else too then you really were not thinking about your marriage or husband.'

 

How can I get her to admit anything. Is she protecting herself or me from further hurt. I told her that I've been to rock bottom so no truth can hurt me only lies can.

 

I would hate to be wrong about all this too. However, what I have seen is fairly conclusive and comes from the horses mouth.

[tears_in_rain]

Is there any point to holding on to my evidence ? I don't think it will be useful down the line.

 

By revealing it she will know my source but by confronting her with it I may be able to get her to admit something. She would probably make something up though to cover her mistake and then my source would be lost.

 

Ideas ?

[2sunny]

Is there any point to holding on to my evidence ? I don't think it will be useful down the line.

 

By revealing it she will know my source but by confronting her with it I may be able to get her to admit something. She would probably make something up though to cover her mistake and then my source would be lost.

 

Ideas ?

 

No need to if she tends to deny everything.

 

Even IF she admits now - would it change anything? Especially if she lies at all cost?