BS in distress - going to divorce the cheat

[jwi71]

Is there any point to holding on to my evidence ? I don't think it will be useful down the line.

 

By revealing it she will know my source but by confronting her with it I may be able to get her to admit something. She would probably make something up though to cover her mistake and then my source would be lost.

 

Ideas ?

 

Disclosure is always a good thing.

 

If I were you, I would gather friends and family and bust her.

 

I would publicize her A far and wide.

 

If you both decide to R, then the outing of the A gets more eyes and ears on both her AND the OM. Nothing like familial pressure to set her straight. Additionally, her family may apologize to you and be FAR more supportive than you realize.

 

If you both decide to D, then at least everyone knows why. This will also garner you support and sympathy.

 

If you DO disclose, your WW will flip. She'll aim a barrage of fury at you forthe ages. It's par for the course. Just roll with it. Obviously, if you are going to R, be MORE understanding than if you do not plan to R

 

So, right now, choose. Do you WANT to save your M?

 

No further advice until I know what YOU want.

[tears_in_rain]

I don't feel I have anything to gain by hanging on to my proof now that divorce papers have been filed and landed on her door. Especially that she denies everything I tell her. The reality of divorce papers shocked her into a torrent of text messages wanting to start anew start afresh, MC etc. Presenting evidence will give her another slap which she can either ignore or cover up. Either way I can get a reaction from.

 

Bottom line I want to divorce as the only line not to be crossed was infidelity.

 

I believe from my collective evidence that this is the case 100%.

 

If I was wrong on cheating I would be willing to reconcile.

[Trimmer]

I believe from my collective evidence that this is the case 100%.

 

If I was wrong on cheating I would be willing to reconcile.

Ah, which is it? Is it 100% (you've bet your marriage on this) or is there a possibility that you're wrong?

[tears_in_rain]

Ah, which is it? Is it 100% (you've bet your marriage on this) or is there a possibility that you're wrong?

 

I can only truly gauge that when I show her my evidence. If she can still deny anything with it in front of her then I'm not sure which planet she's from.

I can't imagine how she could spin it or argue it away or make up an excuse for what will be shown to her.

 

There is only a 0.0001% of being wrong. If I am wrong reconciliation may be possible.

 

If I am right and she admits then divorce is the only way. I won't be a back up plan or second best.

 

I some evidence to her mother today who didn't believe it or maybe couldn't believe it. She is fairly naive at the best of times and has bought all the BS that her daughter has fed her, including the rewritten marriage history.

[tears_in_rain]

Turns out her mother is not so naive after all.

I get frantic texts saying 'why..why did you show her the texts. She's fragile & you were inconsiderate.'

'She's not breathing, I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.'

'I'm worried that you have ruined my relationship with my mother.' (You did that all by yourself by being a cheating **** my dear)

 

I calmed her down and told her just to let her mother breathe easily and go to sleep. She did and I managed to talk with my wife for a bit. I managed to get a confession from her. FINALLY ! Although it was a trickle of half-truths.

 

How many times ? 'Just once'

Really...remember I have evidence ! 'two, three'......BS! 'okay more'

'it wasn't his fault he told me to go back to you many times, I pushed myself on him.' Until he gave in and went oh..alright then. You're both scumbags then

Why ! 'I panicked. I didn't think you wanted a family with me.' I told you over and over that I wanted one. You said let's try from March and there I was at the beginning of March ready to jump lots of bones....then you walked/ran out.

 

More blaming me for her cheating, her saying that its over and that they are just good friends again (really ? Your email the next day to a friend says you think you are still in love with two people. Oh yes and you two looked pretty cosy in his car the next day)

 

Anyway her mother was fine and in fact had told her to get out of her flat. I lifted the veil of lies my wife had told her and now she knows that her daughter decided that f*****g someone else was the best way to dealing with her marriage issues.

 

I told my wife that the only way that I would even remotely consider reconciliation would be her immediate NC with the OM and his friends who she now hangs out with. She agreed (then obviously broke that straight away-see car reference earlier in this post) She is so obviously wrapped up in fog and her own lies that she is saying anything to shift her guilt in other directions.

She seems to be show small signs of guilt but definitely no remorse. No apologies or willingness to reveal more than she thinks she has to.

 

I don't think I could reconcile with her. The months/years it might take would be impossible to merge with her desire to have kids straight away. (I would definitely love kids now with her but after what she did and could do again, not bloody likely) I don't think she's mature enough or willing to change her selfish, immature ways to try and reconcile and do what's necessary to heal her betrayal of me.

 

A day or two later and she was still blaming me for her walking out and for me causing her to cheat. Then she starts bleating about the divorce petition saying she should contest it because all my reasons for wanting to divorce were made up....eerrmm really! Inappropriate relations with another man...You abandon me and the marital home....You never got off your back side, got a job and helped me as a married couple to try and get a place together, pay bills or put money aside so we could have a baby and raise it with a decent start in life....and the rest.

 

She was getting advice from friends and family who know little to nothing about divorce or the law and who get their info from the equivalent of the Jerry Springer Show or Jeremy Kyle Show (UK readers) One relative thought that I was going to sue my wife. WTF ! Divorce yes but sue? How the hell could I do that.

 

Thank God she got advice from the council who told her its not worth contesting. Only the courts and the lawyers will profit from that. So at least she mailed the petition back to the court with a signature on it. (Or so she said)

[2sunny]

Find out if she signed and mailed it. You need vidence!

 

Exposé to all her family and friends. Since she's not being truthful - time to tell others what happened. The rest of he family and her friends.

 

She did this. If she didn't want others knowing her truth - she shouldn't have been cheating!

[tears_in_rain]

Find out if she signed and mailed it. You need vidence!

 

Exposé to all her family and friends. Since she's not being truthful - time to tell others what happened. The rest of he family and her friends.

 

She did this. If she didn't want others knowing her truth - she shouldn't have been cheating!

 

Her mother and brother are the only close family she has and they both know now.

 

All her friends know because they are toxic enablers and probably encouraged her. Her closest friend enabled her and then said to her that at least you've got two chasing after you. With friends like that you can imagine the advice she's been getting. They all seem to be buying her revisionist version of the marriage history.

 

Put it this way one of her best friends gets f*****d by other men whilst her husband and father of her child watches. (Good role model for my wife...idiot)

The other best friend says she is in love whilst complaining that her boyfriend doesn't meet her tick list and is an unutterable dickhead and isn't as attractive as she thinks she deserves. (one horse deserves another)

 

My wife's friends are idiots with little emotional maturity or realisation what it takes to make a marriage work. I expect them all to lose their current relationships or divorce. They all have a high sense of entitlement and self worth. I personally wouldn't p**s on them if they were on fire or would even consider dating them if I were single. Unfortunately the way some women seem to be at the moment. I have a good friend who sees these creatures as aliens and who shares my perspective on these people and the value of relationships and marriage. Shame I'm not not physically attracted to her.

[2sunny]

If that is her character - I can't imagine you wanting that as a part of your life.

[tears_in_rain]

If that is her character - I can't imagine you wanting that as a part of your life.

 

No. I can't have someone who betrayed me like that in my life. Who'll probably never change her character nor even try to understand the pain caused to me or try to make up for her actions.

 

It is so sad that my relationship of 15 years had to end in this way. That my marriage was destroyed. I wanted to be with the same person for ever. Grow old and wrinkly together and watch our kids and grandchildren play. I took my wedding vows so seriously and hoped my wife did to. It seems it was all just a game to her.

 

I thought I was getting better and stronger but as someone mentioned earlier,

there'll be good days and bad ones for a long while. I haven't cried since I found evidence of her cheating but for the last couple of days I've felt on the verge of doing so quite often. More waves of grief. I suppose that it just feels like the end of an era that could of lasted for a lifetime.

 

Time for a new beginning I guess........sniff

[96nole]

No. I can't have someone who betrayed me like that in my life. Who'll probably never change her character nor even try to understand the pain caused to me or try to make up for her actions.

 

It is so sad that my relationship of 15 years had to end in this way. That my marriage was destroyed. I wanted to be with the same person for ever. Grow old and wrinkly together and watch our kids and grandchildren play. I took my wedding vows so seriously and hoped my wife did to. It seems it was all just a game to her.

 

I thought I was getting better and stronger but as someone mentioned earlier,

there'll be good days and bad ones for a long while. I haven't cried since I found evidence of her cheating but for the last couple of days I've felt on the verge of doing so quite often. More waves of grief. I suppose that it just feels like the end of an era that could of lasted for a lifetime.

 

Time for a new beginning I guess........sniff

 

I'm right there with you. 15 years for me also. I thought it would be forever. It could have been forever. I planned on it. I even thought about what we could do now so we could retire early and travel even more. It really sucks that our wives just didn't take the vows serious.

 

As far as the grief goes, if you feel like crying, do it. Don't hold in the emotions. It will help you. You're a human and have been blindsided and betrayed by the one you thought you could trust the most.

 

It is time for a new beginning. There is no guessing about it. There's no other choice. Unless you want an open relationship.