3 years + after the breakup this is where I'm at

[health]

I left her cause she emotionally cheated.

 

As of now I am over her. I did alot of healing, went to school, released 3 major indie film projects, quit drinking, ciggs, went to Europe, dated 2 other girls.

 

I still don't feel ready for a new serious relationship and I think I still have alot of fear.

 

I just can't seem to find a new healthy relationship. The last 4 times I asked girls I like out, they all rejected me.

 

I just feel fear - I never cared about how long it takes people to heal, but in this book I'm reading it says it usually takes 1- 5 years and I'm scared I wont be fully healed even after the 5th.

 

Last night I felt very overwhelmed and cried for the first time in a long time.

 

Just thinking of how something so great could have gone so wrong, thinking of what shes doing etc.

 

Once in a blue moon I get triggered.

 

The place I worked also - the contract ended - so I feel like there's alot of uncertainty in my life, which is kinda sickly exciting.

 

Where I want to be

 

#1 I want to find a full time secure job (crazy in these times)

 

I want to be in a relationship where the girl cares about me as much as I do for her. Part of my healing was getting out of my pattern of giving too much in a relationship.

 

I want to move alone away from my roomate who is toxic, I want to sleep better and I want to keep moving towads my goals.

 

I just want to say, healing takes time and work. I've seen people jump in relationships after they wenr't fully healed and they long for their exes - I never want that.

 

I'm looking for a happy and healthy relationship now. I'm also very happy about all the new things I've learned regarding the dynamics of relationships.

[january2011]

Well done on your progress so far. Sometimes when we reach a turning point in our lives, we can get very contemplative. Part of that contemplation, may involve a trip back to the past resulting in a re-surfacing of issues that we thought we'd buried. It may be just a passing thought that doesn't get much headspace, but if you find yourself regularly thinking such thoughts then it suggests that you need to investigate other channels of support. And what you've been doing so far in rebuilding your life, while helpful, hasn't really got to the heart of the issues that are plaguing you.

 

It's been a long time since the break up and you've dated two other girls since then, so it does suggest that there may be some deeper residual issues that you've not dealt with. I suggest talking through your concerns with a therapist, who may be able to help you dig deeper.

 

The other thing is that healthy relationships have to be built and most often it requires two healthy individuals to do it. If you're still carrying a lot of fear then you're not giving each new relationship a good chance of surviving.

 

With regard to your other goals, I suggest making a plan and outlining the first few steps that you need to work on every day to help you achieve your objectives.

[health]

January - Thank you. I have seen a therapist. I'm going back next week to

talk about it.

 

The other thing is as recently as 2 weeks ago, when under stress

- I go back and look at the photos of my ex and me.

I beat myself up over the whole thing, and feel she's happier with her

new guy - the guy she emotionally cheated with.

 

It's like a sick way of comforting me looking at those photos.

Sometimes I even think of the fun times we have and laugh about it.

 

I lok back at the photos cause I've felt like such a failure at getting new girls.

 

I try online, in person - then I stop trying and let them come to me - and they never do.

 

It's supposedly the man's job to ask out which makes it even harder cause I can't stand rejection in this fragile state.

 

I haven't looked at photos of her for the first 2 years - and then did when I came across them - they were mixed with my film work - lesson learned.

 

Now - I don't want to destroy them cause they are part of my history. But I will try never to look at them again.

 

It's just I get so lonely sometimes - I have friends but feel that connection is missing.

 

I feel hurt thinking how she is probably so moved on - the easy way cause she just rebounded and never dealt with her pain.

 

It's tough, the main thing I want is to find good work.

 

There are many areas in my life that are working out great as well

my physical health, attractiveness, relationships with my parents and brother, spiritual etc.

 

I know I will find a healthy relationship one day - and know that I have to get as healthy emotionally as possible!

[january2011]

I think you know what you need to do, you just have to go do it.

 

Good luck. She touched you deeply and it's okay to acknowledge that, but it's time to put away your past.

[health]

January - Yes, thanks again! I have to get myself sorted out.

Getting a good job and living alone and away from this toxic roommate is priority. I'm happy I already got rid of numeroud toxic people from my life over the last year.

 

I agree that a healthy relationship is 2 complete people who have happiness within themeselves first! Not leaning on one another.

 

I'm just grateful for my learnings now at age 30 - there are people

who are married with kids who started with unhealthy relationships and they are years in.

 

I have a fresh slate ahaed of me and I'm determined to living the highest quality of life possible!

 

Also to become the person I want to attract! Thanks again!

[BewitchedandBothered]

I left her cause she emotionally cheated.

 

As of now I am over her. I did alot of healing, went to school, released 3 major indie film projects, quit drinking, ciggs, went to Europe, dated 2 other girls.

 

I still don't feel ready for a new serious relationship and I think I still have alot of fear.

 

I just can't seem to find a new healthy relationship. The last 4 times I asked girls I like out, they all rejected me.

 

I just feel fear - I never cared about how long it takes people to heal, but in this book I'm reading it says it usually takes 1- 5 years and I'm scared I wont be fully healed even after the 5th.

 

Last night I felt very overwhelmed and cried for the first time in a long time.

 

Just thinking of how something so great could have gone so wrong, thinking of what shes doing etc.

 

Once in a blue moon I get triggered.

 

The place I worked also - the contract ended - so I feel like there's alot of uncertainty in my life, which is kinda sickly exciting.

 

Where I want to be

 

#1 I want to find a full time secure job (crazy in these times)

 

I want to be in a relationship where the girl cares about me as much as I do for her. Part of my healing was getting out of my pattern of giving too much in a relationship.

 

I want to move alone away from my roomate who is toxic, I want to sleep better and I want to keep moving towads my goals.

 

I just want to say, healing takes time and work. I've seen people jump in relationships after they wenr't fully healed and they long for their exes - I never want that.

 

I'm looking for a happy and healthy relationship now. I'm also very happy about all the new things I've learned regarding the dynamics of relationships.

Stop revisiting your past; there is nothing new to see. You have come a long way and have goals for yourself; something you should feel good about. You say your room mate is toxic; get out asap. You need your space. You'll do fine; look at how far you've come.