I screwed up my marriage and now I need help to get it back!!!!

[Demonsx2]

Hello, I have made a mess of my marriage and I need some help on fixing it. I will start at the beginning since the whole mess doesn't make since if you don't know this. Embarassing but true, 8 years ago my husband and I decided that we would wife swap with his brother and his brothers wife. I know- I know. Over the years we would decide on and off that we didn't want to do it again but it always happened again.

 

Now 4 months ago my husband said to me that he absolutely did not ever want to do it again and if it happened again, he would think of it as cheating on him. That was fine until one night when I was helping my brother-in-law paint a car and one thing led to another and before I knew what was happening we were having sex again. By the way my brother in law didn't know about the cheating conversation.

 

I felt absolutely horrible about it. I couldn't believe that I had cheated on my husband of 15 years. I never told my husband. I couldn't stand to hurt him. I know that sounds like an excuse. Then a little over a month ago my sister in law tells my husband the whole story. Needless to say he is furious, and I just barely escaped being divorced the next day. During the next 2 weeks, my husband met a lady (used loosley) at work and started talking to her on a friendly basis until the subject of me came up. He told her everything about how I had hurt him and how I had screwed our marriage up.

 

Then the anger and the hurt surfaced like I knew it would and he moved out. He is still seeing this woman and me. He tells me he cares for her and he loves me but he is not "in love" with me anymore. He wants to work it out with me and thinks it will work out eventually but has no intentions to stop seeing her. We talk all the time and we really have the best sex with each other that we have ever had. I know he is still hurting and I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to him, but he has a wall around his heart and he will let me in and then push me away when he gets too scared. I understand that he is scared. The worst thing about all this is I feel so bad for the pain I caused him. I never wanted this to happen.

 

He says just to give him some space and time and it will be ok. My question is how do I give him space and time knowing that he is seeing someone else and there is a possibility that he might fall for her. I know this whole mess is my fauld. He would never have gotten involved if I hadn't hurt him so much. He is loyal to a fault. I love my husband so much and I just want my family back together. We have 2 children, ages 6 & 7.

 

Any suggestions would be practically memorized, as I am desparate to make him love me again. Thank You

[jmargel]

Wow.. Out of all the people to wife swap with, why his brother? What does his brother's wife think about this?

 

Sounds like he is using this other woman to get back at you, which isn't good. The foundation of your marriage is basically gone. There is no trust right now, and it's understandable where he might not be 'in' love with you. I just can't grasp him wanting you to be with his brother. Swinging is one thing, but with family.. That's a big no-no.

 

If he is serious about the notion of having a relationship with you then both of you need to goto marriage counciling right away. He is also putting your health at risk by sleeping with you & her. Two wrongs don't make a right. Weird how he just up & left for this other chick so fast.

 

Anyway, my suggestion would be to stop having sex with him until he knows what he wants. Just because he has no trust in you, doesn't mean he shouldn't have respect for you. Also with him being with this other woman, there is no chance for him to give himself a chance to fall back in love with you. He's making the situation more complicated.

 

You need to have a heart to heart with him. Be prepared to let him go. Yes it was your fault for 'cheating', but it was everyone's decision to start this whole thing to begin with.

[Demonsx2]

I have had several heart to heart talks with him. He told me that he is starting to fall in love with me but is totally scared. Every time the relationship gets close he shuts down just a little. Those episodes are getting further and further apart.

 

He has all but called off his relationship with the other woman. He spends a lot of time with me. He is not living with her and never has. He is living with his brother. His brothers wife is fine with the whole thing. They have always had an open relationship.

 

He says the hurt and anger will be around for a while. I know how he feels because I feel it every time he tells me he is going to her house. Which used to be all the time but in the last week he hasn't been there at all. He told her it was over Sunday, and has talked to her one time since then. He said they talked as friends, and he wants to give us a shot but doesn't know how to tear down "the wall". What can I do to break it down?

[DazednConfused]

Hello Demons,

 

What can you do to break down his wall? Hmmmmmm, here's the thing; he had a change of heart over the whole swap thing a while ago. He was made to understand you felt the same way. Now you have a "normal" committment dynamic.

 

He thinks you don't love him because of what you did. He does love you, but feels betrayed not just by you, but by his brother. He feels he has lost some of his manhood because maybe you went and had sex w/ his brother because he wasn't good enough. He is angry with you for having put him in this position; justifiable or not.

 

Here is what he needs to hear (and often): "You are the only man for me; I will NEVER stray again if you will try to forgive me." You cannot reinforce his ego enough.

 

As to his "revenge" affair, he has some 'splaining to do as well. He needs to face up to what is happening in this marriage; and take responsibility for acting like a child. As long as he still sees her, there can be no complete healing for either of you.

 

All this starts with a frank and ADULT talk together, no anger, no resentment, only fact gathering, sharing, and then mutual agreement to continue from there. There are a number of paths you can take from there, but it has to start with mutual agreement on both of your parts.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Demonsx2]

amazing update. He told me last night that he was falling in love with me again and he ended it with the OW. He called her from my house and did it while I listened on the other phone. He wanted me to believe that he was doing it and did do it. He still won't move back in but has asked me to go out of town on a mini vacation in July. For the first time in a long time I see this all working out.

 

He wants to sit down with no interuptions (kids around) and have a serious discussion. His main question is why. How do you tell someone why you cheated on them without hurting them all over again. God knows I don't want to hurt him again, but I want to be 100% totally honest with him. It had nothing to do with sex. I feel blessed that someone loves me enough to get through the biggest obstacle I think a marriage could face. Thanks for your help. I really need the answer to this question now.

[DazednConfused]

You are not hurting him "again" by telling him the truth. He never stopped hurting. Tell him you want to be 100% honest, and that you accept that he is in the position of both judge and jury. Tell him you are doing so because you respect him and his strength enough to handle the truth. Make sure he knows that you would not bother if you weren't 100% sure that you want him (and only him) back for the rest of your life.

 

Then spill your guts, no matter how difficult it is or how ashamed you are. He needs and deserves to know.

 

He still needs to be honest with you (and himself) as well about the OW, don't let him off the hook on that issue, if it was a revenge thing, then so be it, but it doesn't make it right.

 

Congratulations, you have a good man that is willing to try to understand and has realized that you are what he wants. Go get him and keep him.

 

Good Luck and keep us posted!

[jmargel]

I read an article last night which has alot of truth to it. There is no just 'one' pour out your heart talk. The only way to minimize the sting of this is for the person cheated on to keep talking about it to their spouse, and to obtain as much information and details as they want. Even if it is in regards to details about the act itself. A new level of trust needs to be created and built upon.

 

Demonx2, not only do you have to explain on why the affair happened, you need to explain why you lied to him as well. Both are just as much damaging. You never did tell us why you did this. Did you feel awful right afterwards, or did you feel awful after being caught? Would you ever had told him if your sis-in-law didn't say anything to him? Be honest in this answer to us & yourself.

 

Us men like facts, something we can base on why you did something so we know what to look for in the future so it won't happen again. Make sure you communicate really good with him, which means LISTENING, not talking. Remember this isn't therapy for you, it's for him. He's going to have good days & bad days which he may show resentment out of the blue.

 

I was helping my brother-in-law paint a car and one thing led to another and before I knew what was happening we were having sex again

 

I have to say this is a bull**** answer. If you go in with this excuse he's going to walk out the door. First off, he's going to think you just don't want to talk about it and you are jusifying yourself in someways, second there is no concrete answer on why you did it, so the chances of it happening again are good.

 

You need to come to grips on WHY you did it, and WHY you lied. He's not looking for the 'Im sorries' or the 'Ill never do it again'. He wants to know what made you think this way. Also saying 'I don't know' is not an answer. Put him in your shoes. What would you want if he cheated on you with your sister?

 

This is going to be a very long process, and for a big roller coaster ride of emotions.

[Demonsx2]

I felt awful right after the fact. No I would have never told him because I knew it would never ever happen again. Even my husband noticed that I started pulling away from the friendship I had with BIL. He noticed this before he found out.

 

The reason I did it is kinda complicated. Before, I could never talk to my husband about what I was feeling. I used to tell him he had no emotions other than anger. Now I see a whole other side of him, one that has emotions. I was lonely for someone to talk to, and my BIL was always there telling me I could tell him anything and he would try to understand. I never got that from my husband. Another reason is that: my husband is actually my first boyfriend. I was always the "fat girl" in school and I never got attention from any other boy. I was not fat by any means, but bigger than the girls I went to school with. By the way, when we met I was 15 and he was 21. I was amazed that any other man would find me sexually attractive. I know my husband does, and I thought it was only because he had to think it. My husband has always told me how beautiful I am but I always thought he had to say that. Then I had another man telling me that, and I didn't know how to handle it. Now I will just say " thank you" and be on my way.

 

The OW was a revenge thing. He wanted to hurt me as much as I hurt him. It worked. He knows it was wrong but sometimes you just want to get even and I honestly can't fault him for that. Thank you for listening and please give any feedback you have.

[Demonsx2]

Just an update. My husband has called off the relationship with the OW for good. We are now in deep conversations about him moving back in. He says he still loves me and wants to move back in , he is just a little gunshy (so to speak). I think we will make it through this and I want to thank everyone who responded in my hour(s) of need. Thank you. If anyone has any more advise for me please feel free to let me know. I know we have a long, winding road ahead of us.