I cheated on my wife, and I'm in a dilemma now

[whuiskas]

I know my story will draw a lot of hate for my actions, but I need some serious advice. If you have the time to read a very real story, I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

 

I have been in a long term relationship with my wife Melisa for 2 and a half years now. When I first met her 30 months ago, she was in a very bad situation and working in a degrading job. She had had a very hard and pitiful life but she is the kindest person I had ever met. I fell madly in love with her.

In the next 8 months she continued to work in my country. Then I sold my car, gave up my great career, left my family and friends and moved with Melisa to China, her home country. When we got to China, we had our marriage registered so that I could apply for a spousal visa to allow me to stay in the country long term.

 

Coming from two different countries that are also extremes in terms of modernity and the economy, Melisa and I are worlds apart in terms of upbringing, culture, language, mindsets, and educational level. There are limits to what we can talk about and intellectual conversations are lacking, but love made daily living possible.

 

Up to a month ago I have been pretty much the model husband. I work hard, pay the mortgage for 2 houses in China, both of which do not have my name to it (one her's, the other her mother's) and to which I have no rights to in case of a divorce, do 90% of the work around the house, cook for her, treat her like a queen and give all my time to her and our home. In the 2 years in China I have never gone out with any friends, nor have made any. I give all of my salary to this home, saving nothing for myself. I am frugal with myself but would buy her anything she needed or wanted. Her mother is terminally ill and I pay for her very expensive cancer medicine every month.

 

She is now completely and utterly dependent on me financially, emotionally and physically. I take care of all the details in her everyday life, her food, her clothes, her schedule, get her out of bed, pick her up from work, pay for all the bills (she earns about 5 times lesser than I do), pay for her mother's meds etc. However, she is still a loving wife and although generally lazy and very inattentive to my needs, she is genuine and devoted to me. She thinks the world of me and tells that to all her friends, and her entire family all think that I am a perfect husband. Not so. A month ago I started seeing a co-worker, Ingrid, who is also a foreigner like I am. It was great to have someone to speak English to again, who I could really connect with. She is gorgeous, and ordinarily speaking, out of my league. A month ago she confessed to me that she has liked me since we met 6 months ago, when she came for an interview at my company. She didn't get the job, but a month ago my company called her to apply again and this time she did get the job.

 

6 months ago, looking at someone that beautiful and being married myself, I never even thought that there could ever be anything going on between us; I just remember her as a candidate who came for an interview, who happened to be totally beautiful. A month ago she started working at my company and we got to chat and we went out for a group lunch. I was really attracted to her, but I never even thought about doing anything about it. That night she suddenly called me to ask me out. Needless to say that was a surprise. I said I couldn't because I needed to be at home, and then we chatted online. She told me that one of the main reasons she actually came back to the company was to get to see me again, and wondered why I never called her all that time. I was shocked, flattered and smiling to myself like an idiot. I told her that the reason I could not go out with her was because I was in China was to be with someone, and that really dampened the mood. Nevertheless, a few days later we decided to meet for dinner anyway, just as friends.

 

That dinner was intense, and we ended up holding hands. Fast forward 4 weeks, we are completely in love with each other, have promised ourselves to each other (I doing it despite having no idea how that is possible), and although there is the burden of my current relationship, we are incredibly happy when we are together. She is deeply in love with me, and I am with her. We are so strongly connected to each other, and no, our relationship has not even become physical. I am having what they call an emotional affair.

She makes me feel like I am being absolutely adored for no other reason than because I am me. I don’t have to do anything at all, and she’s crazy about me. I have felt things I never felt with anyone else before, including my legitimate wife. Leaving my wife would completely ruin her life not only emotionally, mentally, but practically as well seeing as how I am the financial pillar of our home. What would she have to resort to doing if she no longer had me to reply on?

 

She loves me and believes that I am a perfect husband who will care for her for the rest of her life. I feel like and know that I have an immense responsibility towards her, and I have been living the last 2 and a half years of my life completely centered around her. In no uncertain terms, I belong to her, but now my heart belongs to someone else.

 

This might be the new relationship euphoria chemicals talking, but with Ingrid I feel like I am living my life for me, for my own happiness, not anyone else’s. With her I am free. Although I am very fatigued in our relationship, I still love my wife and it would cause me a lot of pain to hurt her. Frankly, my life would not be miserable if I stayed with my wife; I do care a lot about her after all and we are very used to each other. But I feel like if I give Ingrid up, not only would I be shattering her heart, but I would be giving up my true soul mate, and sacrificing my own true happiness, and to give her up now would be unbearably painful.

 

Can you really be held responsible for someone else's happiness for their entire life?

 

What do I do now?

 

TL: DR Gave up my life/country and for wife, 2 years later, now in love with new girlfriend. WTF is wrong with me, and what do I do now?

[Bellechica]

It sounds like you feel unappreciated and that you resent your wife.

 

It sounds like your wife isn't very happy already.

 

With Ingrid, you really do need to look at your feelings logically. Yes, it's exciting and new, but those feelings fade with time. You have been with your wife 30 months and it seems the honeymoon phase is over.

Do you think you might just be chasing those new "in-love" feelings for the rest of your life or do you hope to develop a deeper, long lasting love and grow old with a spouse?

Also, you might be a bit homesick and now Ingrid is making you feel better. In my opinion, it's just a bandaid, masking the problems in your marriage.

[Got it]

You seem to move fairly quickly into relationships and love (based on what you have stated about your relationship with your wife and with Ingrid). It is apparent your current relationship is unbalanced but I think focusing on getting it resolved would be prudent. You may have jumped too quickly into your marriage but do you want to jump quickly into another relationship as well? Since your marriage is so young, resolve or dissolve it.

[TigerCub]

She makes me feel like I am being absolutely adored for no other reason than because I am me.

 

The above is exactly why you feel this connection with Ingrid.

 

At home, you are under a huge amount of pressure knowing that you are the only provider for the family and that everything depends on you.

Maybe a part of you translates your wife's love for you as something that's BECAUSE of what you do - but with Ingrid, you feel love without any expectation.

 

Its freeing being with Ingrid because you're not obligated to her or really expected to carry her through life like you are with your wife & her family.

 

I also think that you are resentful of your wife because you feel like you had to give up so much to be with her, and at the end of it all you're finding that you don't even have much in common. That is unfortunate - BUT in all honesty that was your choice. You have to acknowledge that you're responsible for that more than she is.

 

I agree with the other poster that suggested that Ingrid is kind of like a taste of home, and since you feel isolated and under a lot of pressure in a land that's not really yours, Ingrid can be a great comfort and connection to what you know and love.

 

At the end though, you really have to do the right thing.

Its not fair to your wife to be cheated on.

If you're so concerned with her dependance, why not encourage her to get a job and be more self reliant? - that would at least be a start to encouraging her to contribute more to the family so that you don't feel suffocated by sacrifices and obligations (and maybe just that kind of change in the dynamic of your family life would actually help you see the good and be more relaxed in that relationship).

[KathyM]

You need to confess this all to your wife, and if she is willing to still stay with you after this confession, then work on restoring and strengthening your marriage and connection with your wife. That would be the honorable thing to do.

[Quiet Storm]

This might be the new relationship euphoria chemicals talking

 

Exactly.

 

Your wife is devoted to her husband, and you were happy about that until Ingird came along.

 

Ingrid propositioned you and flirted with you big time. Do you think you are the only man that she has done that with? Seemed kind of easy for her...

 

Ingrid craves attention and validation from men. You happen to be that man for now. Just remember how easy and natural it was for her to flirt and get a man hooked. This time you were her target. Once your attention loses it draw (women like this need to be recharged by a new man's attention every now and again), you'll be yesterday's news.

 

Melisa needs attention and validation from her husband. She has been devoted to you and does not deserve to be robbed of a husband because you are a junkie for those "new relationship euphoria chemicals".

 

As I have said in other threads, the dog you feed more is going to get bigger. Feed your wife instead of Ingrid.

[Furious]

Your writing style seems very similar to another poster by the name of Character Floss in another forum. Perhaps you should read his post.

[wellwhynot]

Intercultural marriages can be so hard. It's an intermingling of two totally different upbringings. Good luck to you, whatever your resolution!

[Starryeyedwife]

Read waiting:a novel by ha jin. It will teach you a valuable lesson. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. And you never know what you have until its gone. Read the novel.