My girlfriend going to Vegas. Long story.... Is it time to break up?!

[razraz]

I'm going to try to make the long story short. I'm gonna try because

it's too complex and I want you to see both sides of the story, not

only mine.

 

 

Due to the fact my girlfriend is a bartender and doesn't want to kill

her clients/tips she would never put "in a relationship" on her

facebook nor would she ever allow any pictures of us up on her

facebook or mine if I were to tag her in them. Pictures from vegas

trip with guys however, appeared on few of her friends facebook pages

and it was all okay until I saw them.

Last year my girlfriend went to Vegas with few of her girlfriends for

what was supposed to be a bachelorette party but turned into a

"divorce" party. Pictures showed up on websites of her partying with

random guys at clubs, vip booths etc. She didn't mention any of that

after she came back from her trip so I wasn't thrilled and felt lied

to. We had many fights about that.

 

2012 has been fiscally the worst year of my life and I'm having a lot

of business related issues and expenses that just keep piling up on

me.

 

We've been together for a year and a half and have been planning a

trip to florida together. Just a nice getaway for the 2 of us. Extra expenses

didn't allow me to go. My girlfriend was quite upset about it because she

said she really needs a vacation so she can relax and get away from it all.

She would mention how badly she needs to relax at least twice a week.

A day after we looked at deals online and were ready to book our getaway

my business took another hit and several thousand dollars later I'm nearly

out of money and can't afford a vacation at the moment.

At least not for another 2-4 months.

 

Recently 3 of her single friends started planning a Vegas trip for

memorial day weekend. My girlfriend asked me what I think about her

going to Las Vegas with them.

I assumed she knew my opinion about it since

she has brought up going to Miami with her best friend a couple of

times in the recent

months. I always told her that Miami isn't really a spot to "RELAX".

It just felt off to me that

someone who constantly mentions a relaxing vacation at the beach with

me wants to go to one

of the biggest party spots in the US.

I told her I wouldn't be happy about about her going to Vegas,

especially for memorial day weekend.

I actually got mad that after what we've been thru last year that she would

even consider going. Keep in mind that my understanding was that she

really wants a vacation-not a party weekend

with her girlfriends.

 

After she brought it up several more times I finally said " Fine, Go".

I was clearly upset about the whole thing. I just decided

that she will know what to do and won't decide to go, just wait for us

to go together which is reassured her we will.

 

A few days went by. I was really down, almost depressed about whats

happening to my business, and her going to Vegas made

me feel 10 times worse.

A week later we had an argument about it and I said that I don't think

it's appropriate for her to go with single girls, especially after

all those times she told me she needs to relax. The end of that

argument that the trip is booked and there's nothing that can be done,

that she wishes it wasn't cuz if she did know how I truly felt about

it and told her she shouldn't go - she wouldn't. She said it was a

misunderstanding.

Also I forgot to mention that we've had plans with my cousins to go

to our family cabin on the lake which she pretty much cancelled by

going to Las Vegas.

 

Another week has passed and I was as unhappy as I was before. I

contemplated breaking up with her because I couldn't stand the fact

that a girl with whom I want to be

for the rest of my life with would still choose Vegas over me,

regardless of me being nearly depressed about it.

We went out for one of my friends fiance's birthday and after way too

many drinks I got all emotional about it. I just couldn't let it go

and started an argument at a club.

I was an ******* because this wasn't the right place and time for it.

Because of alcohol I actually ended up crying in front of her friends

( so embarrassing ).

We went to her house after that. Didn't speak about it next day

because we were too hungover to even talk.

Monday was the day where it all came back to life. I once again

explained how I felt and how I felt about her going to Vegas and why.

She told me that after her past 4 years in a relationship with a guy

who always promised her things and never went thru with them she needs

to think about herself.

She said that I cannot guarantee her that in 2 or 3 or 4 months we

will actually go on vacation and that going to Vegas was an

opportunity for her to actually go somewhere.

 

I just want you all reading this to know that my girlfriend has

offered me to lend me money to go on vacation in Florida and I can pay

her back whenever. I said no because last thing I want to do

is borrow money from my girl and vacation in my opinion is an extra in

life and there are things of higher priority then that.

The vacation in florida for the both of us would come up to 650

dollars for 5 nights if we were to go towards the end of July.

Her Vegas trip was 500 plus she took her busiest day at work of where

she makes about 500. We all know that Vegas on memorial day weekend is

as expensive as it gets.

She actually offered to buy me a ticket to come to Vegas with her

after all the arguments but I refused because I would feel like the

5th wheel and I felt like it's something I pressured her into doing.

I also brought up the point that she could've spent the same amount of

money that Vegas will cost her into vacation for the 2 of us. She

makes great money and can afford it. My birthday

is a week before memorial day weekend and her's is 3 weeks after that.

I feel that if someone tells me 2 times a week how much they want to

go on relaxing vacation with me and then chooses to go to Vegas

because an "opportunity" comes up isn't really someone I want to be

with.

 

I want to know your opinions about it and sorry for the long read.

Please ask me anything if whatever I wrote seems unclear. I wrote all

that from my heart which at the moment is a total mess....

 

thanks

[d'Arthez]

I can so understand your feelings and frustrations about the whole situation.

 

Break things off with her and let her go. It really sounds the both of you could do with some time away from each other. It really sounds if the both of you need to give serious thought about whether it is worthwhile to continue this relationship.

[wellwhynot]

I'm not sure I fully understand why but I'll do my best. Are you afraid she is cheating on you? It sounds to me like you are both younger and of course she wants to have fun and go on vacations. Vacation is vacation. You think it means one thing, she thinks it means... I don't have to deal with stress and can have fun, whether that is laying on a beach or going dancing and drinking with friends.

 

I think her offering to pay for your trip either with her to Vegas or to florida shows she isn't looking to cheat on you.

It's entirely possible that the level of focus you are placing on your own needs is superceding hers as she suggested. You had planned a trip together, you cancelled it, she was disappointed. Doesn't mean that because of your business issues she isn't entitled to a vacation. It sounds like you think a vacation means only one thing and she obviously doesn't.

 

Sounds to me like having things the way you decree them is more important to you than your girlfriend so yes, it's probably time to break up in my opinion.

[Got it]

Why didn't she offer to pay for the Florida vacation for you two?

 

I am sorry for the way you are feeling. It can be compromised upon if both parties are willing to compromise. What did she say about those pictures and her behavior? What is she going to do differently in the future?

[darkmoon]

a holiday! you row (and cry) over a holiday? sorry, but that seems a bit over the top, she says she needs to relax

[TigerCub]

Look buddy, she explained it to you - you can't guarantee that you'd be able to go on vacation with her, so why can't she take a vacation with her friends?

 

You keep saying "she wants a vacation to relax, so why go to a party town?"

a vacation is a vacation.

Sure, I love the resort style vacations where I just get a tan and swim and relax, but partying in Vegas or Miami would be an awesome vacation as well.

 

It doesn't matter. A vacation is just about getting away from the daily bull***t and having fun.

 

I think you're over reacting by saying that its the type of vacation.

 

I think the true issue here is that you don't trust her.

You have Vegas trip #1 in your mind where she was flirting and hanging out with other guys and never told you about that. And I think you're worried about what will happen on this trip.

 

If that's the case - then you obviously didn't get over the issue in the first place and you need to come out with it and address it, get past it or end the relationship.

 

This isn't really about her taking a vacation, is it?

[Almond_Joy]

I just want you all reading this to know that my girlfriend has

offered me to lend me money to go on vacation in Florida and I can pay

her back whenever. I said no because last thing I want to do

is borrow money from my girl and vacation in my opinion is an extra in

life and there are things of higher priority then that.

The vacation in florida for the both of us would come up to 650

dollars for 5 nights if we were to go towards the end of July.

Her Vegas trip was 500 plus she took her busiest day at work of where

she makes about 500. We all know that Vegas on memorial day weekend is

as expensive as it gets.

She actually offered to buy me a ticket to come to Vegas with her

after all the arguments but I refused because I would feel like the

5th wheel and I felt like it's something I pressured her into doing.

I also brought up the point that she could've spent the same amount of

money that Vegas will cost her into vacation for the 2 of us. She

makes great money and can afford it. My birthday

is a week before memorial day weekend and her's is 3 weeks after that.

I feel that if someone tells me 2 times a week how much they want to

go on relaxing vacation with me and then chooses to go to Vegas

because an "opportunity" comes up isn't really someone I want to be

with.

 

 

I would think your gf irreprehensibly selfish if she hadn't offered to pay for you to go. I think you should have gone on the Florida trip with her and let her cover if she was willing to pay. It may have seemed like an ill-timed luxury to you, but it may have been a much-needed period of quality time with you that she really needed.....and that you refused to give.

 

It was insensitive of her to go to Vegas with single friends without you. That sounds like she doesn't care much about being perceived as a committed partner in a relationship. That's a problem. Even if she wasn't flirting or dancing inaproppriately, it seems disrespectful to me to be out and about partying with singles whene you're committed. Even worse if she's in a different city, out of state.

 

Something you two could clarify that may help this problem is what exactly a vacation means to her. You know your gf better than any of us, but from what you've written it sounds to me like a vacation for her doesn't necessarily mean relaxing and being somewhere quiet/low-key. A vacation to her just means being in a different environment from the one she's in every day. It doesn't mean she wouldn't want to do things that she normally does. So to her a vacation being in a party city would still be a vacation.

 

I'd recommend, in the future, if she says she needs time away and she wants to spend it with you, make the time. I get that your livelihood is struggling and you need to fix it, but in worrying so much about the business you ignored a legitimate emotional need that your gf expressed to you that you could have provided.

 

Your gf, in turn, needs to be more respectful of the relationship. She and her single friends could have gone a dozen other places and had a great time together without creating an opportunity for something inappropriate to occur. She's not single, and she shouldn't do everything her single friends do just to be with her friends.

 

You also mentioned that because of her job she doesn't like to appear taken/committed. If that's not something you're comfrotable with anymore, talk to her about it. If she's willing to look into other jobs, great! you two can stay together and work through it. If not, it may be best for you two to split, as it would then be apparent that she's more concerned with her perceived single status than acknowledging that she is committed to someone.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Almond_Joy

[pteromom]

I think she's an adult, and if she wants to go have fun with her friends, you should send her with your blessing! Make her excited to come back home to you!

 

Trying to control what another person does NEVER ENDS WELL.

 

That said - if you really don't TRUST her, and you think that her "partying" with random guys could actually lead to more, you should break it off and let her be single.

[razraz]

I refused to accept a loan from her because I wouldn't want to borrow money for a vacation. To me it just isn't something you should borrow money for. She didn't offer to pay for anything up until few times we argued over her going to Vegas. Her suggestion was that she'd buy me a ticket for a day after she leaves. Going to vegas, especially for a guy for memorial day weekend isn't 300 bucks walk around money so thats a big no no.

We've talked about relaxing vacation and it came down to florida each and every time. So it's not like Vegas was even in the picture for the 2 of us.

I don't have trust issues when it comes to her cheating on me etc etc. I just know the girls that she's going with. They're all single, big time party-go pick up guys kind of girls. I myself don't put myself in situations where my girlfriend would feel uncomfortable with my behavior around other women. To put it in simple words. I don't really want her to be around sleezy guys in vegas just because her girlfriends are looking for a hookup. It's just something that in my opinion should be avoided in a relationship.

After she explained to me how she needs to think about herself etc etc. I actually offered to book a florida trip 2 months away on my credit card. Also I offered to pay for any cancellation costs of her Vegas trip but she refused to do so.

[darkmoon]

I refused to accept a loan from her because I wouldn't want to borrow money for a vacation. To me it just isn't something you should borrow money for. She didn't offer to pay for anything up until few times we argued over her going to Vegas. Her suggestion was that she'd buy me a ticket for a day after she leaves. Going to vegas, especially for a guy for memorial day weekend isn't 300 bucks walk around money so thats a big no no.

We've talked about relaxing vacation and it came down to florida each and every time. So it's not like Vegas was even in the picture for the 2 of us.

I don't have trust issues when it comes to her cheating on me etc etc. I just know the girls that she's going with. They're all single, big time party-go pick up guys kind of girls. I myself don't put myself in situations where my girlfriend would feel uncomfortable with my behavior around other women. To put it in simple words. I don't really want her to be around sleezy guys in vegas just because her girlfriends are looking for a hookup. It's just something that in my opinion should be avoided in a relationship.

After she explained to me how she needs to think about herself etc etc. I actually offered to book a florida trip 2 months away on my credit card. Also I offered to pay for any cancellation costs of her Vegas trip but she refused to do so.

 

girls' nights out - do you have a problem with such frolics? sorry, just be laid back, relax, breeeathe, in and out slowly, breeeathe...i hope you're relaxed now breeeathe

[Woggle]

I would be okay with this if it weren't for the fact that she posted all those facebook pics with other guys and none with you. That seems suspicious.

[razraz]

I understand what some of you are saying. I at the same time feel neglected and feel like my feelings are not important enough for her to even consider.

I do know that her lying to me about who drove her home, or what happened in Vegas isn't good. She sort of has this issue with white lies that happened many times and she got caught. She does that not to worry me too much. At the same time tho I still think it would be inappropriate to leave a partner who's in need of moral support just for my own benefit. It makes me question her as a wife material.

[razraz]

She herself didn't post those pics. Her friends did. I spoke to her pretty much every night. I was really interested in her trip and how it went etc. She knew these pics were up online. She never mentioned " Hey this or that girl met these 5 guys and we all spent all night with them in their 5k vip booth at this club."

The thing is I know she wouldn't be okay with that if it came to me doing it. If I were to go to Vegas and my single friends met girls and those girls would be all over me. If pics like that would surface it would be just as big of a problem as it is for me.

I know my girlfriend can be trusted when it comes to behavior and cheating. I just think being in a relationship means trying to satisfy the other persons feelings as much as your own.

If it came down to me booking vacation with my guy friends and she told me later that she's miserable because of it. Because her situation in life is tough and she knows my guy friends will have all these girls around all the time and she doesn't feel comfortable with that I'd cancel the trip. I wouldn't really care about losing 500 bucks because when you want to have a life with someone it isn't much money at all.

[standtall]

I refused to accept a loan from her because I wouldn't want to borrow money for a vacation. To me it just isn't something you should borrow money for.

 

Well dude..she offered to help out and you have decided not to accept. It is a free country and you can decide whatever you want, but there are consequences that you may have to accept for your decision. This sounds as if it is a critical point in your future as a couple....if you're not there as a companion, she may find someone else who will. That damn pride sometimes gets in the way....

[razraz]

Well dude..she offered to help out and you have decided not to accept. It is a free country and you can decide whatever you want, but there are consequences that you may have to accept for your decision. This sounds as if it is a critical point in your future as a couple....if you're not there as a companion, she may find someone else who will. That damn pride sometimes gets in the way....

 

Do you not think that it's wrong to simply getaway from someone once things get bad?!

[d'Arthez]

I can see the merits of both positions, but I also see an obvious inability for the two of you to reach a meaningful compromise.

 

I'll repeat my advice:

 

Break things off with her and let her go. It really sounds the both of you could do with some time away from each other. It really sounds if the both of you need to give serious thought about whether it is worthwhile to continue this relationship.

[wellwhynot]

I refused to accept a loan from her because I wouldn't want to borrow money for a vacation. To me it just isn't something you should borrow money for. She didn't offer to pay for anything up until few times we argued over her going to Vegas. Her suggestion was that she'd buy me a ticket for a day after she leaves. Going to vegas, especially for a guy for memorial day weekend isn't 300 bucks walk around money so thats a big no no.

We've talked about relaxing vacation and it came down to florida each and every time. So it's not like Vegas was even in the picture for the 2 of us.

I don't have trust issues when it comes to her cheating on me etc etc. I just know the girls that she's going with. They're all single, big time party-go pick up guys kind of girls. I myself don't put myself in situations where my girlfriend would feel uncomfortable with my behavior around other women. To put it in simple words. I don't really want her to be around sleezy guys in vegas just because her girlfriends are looking for a hookup. It's just something that in my opinion should be avoided in a relationship.

After she explained to me how she needs to think about herself etc etc. I actually offered to book a florida trip 2 months away on my credit card. Also I offered to pay for any cancellation costs of her Vegas trip but she refused to do so.

 

 

If you were willing to book it two months out on credit, then you should have taken it from the girl you would be going with, who woudnl't charge you interest, would enjoy your company and would have avoided the whole situation. It just sounds like you want things your own way to me.

[alexandria35]

I'm so confused. You started off your first post by talking about how your gf won't set her fb status to in a relationship and won't post any pictures of you and her together, but her friends have posted pictures of her partying with other guys. So people assumed you are having an issue of trust in this relationship. You come back and say you trust her and she won't cheat. Then you say you have often caught her in white lies but then you reiterate that she is trustworthy, yet you saw fit to post this on the OW/OM board which has everything to do with infidelity. If this isn't about trust and possible cheating why post it on this board?

 

If this really isn't you being worried about what she might be up to on her vacation and you're just thinking it's not right that she took this holiday when you couldn't go, well I think that depends on a lot of things. You've only been together a year. How old are the two of you? How seriously involved are the two of you? Are you engaged? Do you live together? I think she should enjoy her freedom and independance while she can. When marriage and children come along and tie her down she will be happy that she lived it up a little before hand. I'm not saying marriage and raising children is all misery and gloom. Those things are blessings too, but life changes after one has a family. I don't know how to say this without it sounding a little bit selfish, but as a woman who had children young and made too many sacrafices for the men in my life, if I had it to do all over again I totally would have spent some of those years sacraficing less of myself to relationships and living more. I truly regret many of the times that I blew off my friends and family because of a boyfriends wishes. And that goes both ways too. I don't think guys should make their girlfriends the center of their universe either. If I were dating someone who wanted to go on vacation with his friends and it wasn't a good time for me I wouldn't hold him back either. Unless I didn't trust him which would indicate even bigger problems then the vacation.

 

It's not like she's leaving you on your deathbed or something. You're not facing some impending crisis that she might miss out on by going on a short vacation. If you were scheduled for some life or death surgery and she chose that very time to leave you and vacation, well then you'd have something to be upset about. But as I read it, your personal problems are not going to be made better or worse by her vacation.

[SarahRose]

I'm so confused. You started off your first post by talking about how your gf won't set her fb status to in a relationship and won't post any pictures of you and her together, but her friends have posted pictures of her partying with other guys. So people assumed you are having an issue of trust in this relationship. You come back and say you trust her and she won't cheat. Then you say you have often caught her in white lies but then you reiterate that she is trustworthy, yet you saw fit to post this on the OW/OM board which has everything to do with infidelity. If this isn't about trust and possible cheating why post it on this board?

 

If this really isn't you being worried about what she might be up to on her vacation and you're just thinking it's not right that she took this holiday when you couldn't go, well I think that depends on a lot of things. You've only been together a year. How old are the two of you? How seriously involved are the two of you? Are you engaged? Do you live together? I think she should enjoy her freedom and independance while she can. When marriage and children come along and tie her down she will be happy that she lived it up a little before hand. I'm not saying marriage and raising children is all misery and gloom. Those things are blessings too, but life changes after one has a family. I don't know how to say this without it sounding a little bit selfish, but as a woman who had children young and made too many sacrafices for the men in my life, if I had it to do all over again I totally would have spent some of those years sacraficing less of myself to relationships and living more. I truly regret many of the times that I blew off my friends and family because of a boyfriends wishes. And that goes both ways too. I don't think guys should make their girlfriends the center of their universe either. If I were dating someone who wanted to go on vacation with his friends and it wasn't a good time for me I wouldn't hold him back either. Unless I didn't trust him which would indicate even bigger problems then the vacation.

 

It's not like she's leaving you on your deathbed or something. You're not facing some impending crisis that she might miss out on by going on a short vacation. If you were scheduled for some life or death surgery and she chose that very time to leave you and vacation, well then you'd have something to be upset about. But as I read it, your personal problems are not going to be made better or worse by her vacation.

 

amen to this.

 

i did the same thing and missed out on a lot. a lot of men get to be really boring drags not wanting to go anywhere or do anything so i have to go by myself.

 

mine is pouting because i am going to europe this spring. he can go if he wants but he had better get up off his butt and get a passport and get busy because i am not doing it all myself.

[SarahRose]

OP i think you are making a big deal out of nothing. let her go and don't be such a stick in the mud.

[Woggle]

So people here really think he has no good reason to have trust issues about this? I am not saying he should be reacting the way he is but it is understandable why his mind is going places.

[SarahRose]

So people here really think he has no good reason to have trust issues about this? I am not saying he should be reacting the way he is but it is understandable why his mind is going places.

 

why is it understandable?

[SandieBeach]

I understand what some of you are saying. I at the same time feel neglected and feel like my feelings are not important enough for her to even consider.

I do know that her lying to me about who drove her home, or what happened in Vegas isn't good. She sort of has this issue with white lies that happened many times and she got caught. She does that not to worry me too much. At the same time tho I still think it would be inappropriate to leave a partner who's in need of moral support just for my own benefit. It makes me question her as a wife material.

 

I don't even know where to begin with this statement. Please don't make excuses for your girlfriend's lying to you, however small those lies are. It always starts with the small lies, and then it escalates.

 

Yes, you definitely have trust issues with her, and they are not baseless. She'll end up having issues with you (if not already) because you seem a little too controlling and extremely set in your views about how a vacation should happen and what it means. I get it that you have money problems, but a) don't make promises to her you can't keep, and b) no idea where you live, but take a long weekend or a week-long trip to some place and make that your vacation. You sound like my aunt...she has set views about which places qualify as a vacation that she ultimately doesn't ends up going anywhere!

[spice4life]

First, I'm trying to figure out why this is posted in this section. Razraz are you maried? If you are, you can't really expect anything from her.

 

I spent a lot of my life sacrificing my life for others I was involved with and won't do that to myself anymore. Maybe you should talk to her about how "she" feels instead of being upset. If a person I was involved with wanted to go on vacation and I couldn't, I would just let them go. The problem is within you. If you were confident, you would have faith and just let her go to have fun with her friends. I'm willing to bet she would boast about how wonderful you are for not having a problem with her spending times with her friends. In fact, she would probably miss you. However, that's probably moot now due to the way you reacted.

[Woggle]

why is it understandable?

 

Because of the way she wants to hide their relationship on facebook. She is not a celebrity and I bartended while engaged and never hid my status. That is the issue and not the vacation part. The vacation is beside the point.

 

Also props to Just a Poster for being a woman who can actually look at this fairly.