My girlfriend going to Vegas. Long story.... Is it time to break up?!

[samslick]

To be honest I don't mind her going out. I give her **** about it sometimes but it's for different reasons, not just going out itself. Usually those little lies or when I feel like she's trying to exclude me....

I know there are issues that make me over react a bit in certain situations. We haven't addressed them tho, and as long as we don't this will not change.

 

You brought up an interesting point about " how would she feel if?!"

I go out once in a while. She does too. On our own. I find nothing wrong with that.

I never have any pics up with anyone ever. I actually behave like I'm supposed to. I'm very cautious as to what I'm not supposed to do because I don't want her to feel like I'm up to no good.

I really feel like a lot of her white lies when she goes out or what not are because she feels like she can't tell me the truth. She says I'm to jealous etc etc but the truth is I have never actually said anything about the things she told me about herself.

 

Yesterday was a sunday. After she woke up, she spent 2.5 hours looking for new bathings suits. I just sat there quietly, did my thing. The truth is tho that I cannot ****in stand that. It really bothers me when I see her shopping for al these things before Vegas. Buying bathing suits, dresses, shoes. She actually dragged me to a store yesterday before we went to dinner to look at shoes...because she needs them for Vegas. I don't even remember one time she tried that hard to look so nice for me and that sucks.

There are still 2 weeks left before Vegas. I'd like to bring up the convo but I'm not really sure how and what for. Seems like everything has been said and neither one of us is willing to give in.

In the end it seems like I'm gonna be the one tho cause I'll stay here and she'll be there!

 

I went through all the same bull**** man. My ex would dress up all hot and sexy with nice clothes/makeup/the whole nine yards. Then she would leave, and leave me alone to go out clubbing with her female friends. There were a million other important things that should have been done, or things I needed from her to do, yet it was more important that everything was halted to fulfill her needs. I put up with that for a long time, and it drove me insane.

 

The lines/boundaries you have drawn either verbally or non-verbally have set the stage for your relationship. She is in a power position and will continue to act the way she is until you speak up louder for yourself and make it clear what you will or will not put up with. To me, thats not really a relationship. If she loves you, she wouldn't be lying, and she would be taking into consideration your feelings/opinions.

 

Do you see yourself marrying her? Do you see yourself continuing into a long term relationship with the way her behavior is? Trust me, divorcing my wife was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life, and I never thought I had the will to go through with it, but if I was able to have seen the red flags back before we were married, I would have probably avoided my whole mess.

 

Im not suggesting you should go out and take pictures with other women just to draw a reaction from her, but those are things that you should definitely be asked. Would be quite the double standard if she wasn't okay with you doing that. Just doesn't seem like she wants the same thing in the relationship that you do.

 

My advice, as much as it sucks to hear, is to end it and cut your losses.

Edited May 15, 2012 by samslick

[Darren Steez]

haha god I love the cod psychology in this forum, it starts out as one thing then gets blown up into something else

 

It is very simple, be a man and suck it up! She offered to pay and you didnt want to go. The problem is insecurity in your relationship and you certainly aren't going to get help here with people telling you she's a flaming great big cheater or selfish or yadda yadda *snore*

 

Stop bitching and just break up with her and stop whining and move on, otherwise let her go and enjoy yourself and maybe in the future when you have some cash you can both go together.

[Feelsgoodman]

girls' nights out - do you have a problem with such frolics? sorry, just be laid back, relax, breeeathe, in and out slowly, breeeathe...i hope you're relaxed now breeeathe

Easy for you to say. It's not your girlfriend who's "partying with

random guys at clubs, vip booths etc". I have no doubt she did more than just "party" with those "random" guys.

 

OP, you should have broken up with that girl a year ago. She almost certainly cheated on you that time and will be doing it again. And even if she didn't, she's clearly not BF material. Bartender is only one step above stripper as far as legitimate occupations go.

[truth_seeker]

Using clients as an excuse to not put "in a relationship" on FB is a load of bunk.

 

She doesn't want other men to know she is in a relationship. She wants to keep her options open. Simple as that.

 

 

 

 

 

She lied and was partying it up in Vegas with other guys. Whether you'd have proof or not of cheating, that alone is enough of a good reason to cut your losses and get rid of this shifty chick.

 

 

 

 

Looks like she already got away from it all, and you, when she went to Vegas.

 

 

 

 

She knows she crossed the line the first time, she has to be dense to think you'd be comfortable with her going again.

 

 

 

Thats just it, I wouldn't do anything that would make my SO feel uncomfortable. I would completely understand if a SO didn't want me to go to Vegas without her. Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, and they don't call it Sin City for nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like you have a party girl on your hands that doesn't want other men to know she is in a relationship.

 

Cut your losses and find a decent woman that won't engage in questionable behavior and activities, and knows what being in a committed relationship means.

 

You're right on the button about this girl. She should acknowledge your relationship on Facebook. She wants other men to know she is available.

 

I would never trust a girl who goes to Vegas with her friends. They're there for a reason. Party, get drunk, meet random guys, have sex, leave town and the carnage behind.

 

Not girlfriend material. Certainly not wife material. She is loser with no regard for your feelings. End it. Now.

[g450]

I didn't read anything more than this because your post is kind of long, and because I think this sentence will set the tone for the remainder. BIG RED FLAG here. This is not acceptable.

 

Basically she wants other men to think that she is single and available so that she gets more tips from blokes cracking on to her?? Does she tell these men that she is single when they talk to her also? If you guys were to get married, would she wear a ring? Why is she facebook friends with these guys anyway?

 

Umm NO! This is a complete deal-breaker dude! You should not put up with this behaviour in any way shape or form!!!

 

Maybe id she were a prostitute I can understand taking her wedding ring off but she is not, she is a bartender, last time I checked a bartender's job is to serve drinks, not to be a professional flirt.

 

Yeah I also call total BS on that as well. When I tip a bartender or waitress I could give a rats azz whether they are single or not.

 

She absolutely wants guys to think she is single and that IMO shows she does not love the OP or respect him as her man. It's just so clearly obvious.

 

I think OP needs to just let her go and start planning an exit strategy.

Edited May 20, 2012 by g450

[lamaman3]

Due to the fact my girlfriend is a bartender and doesn't want to kill

her clients/tips she would never put "in a relationship" on her

facebook nor would she ever allow any pictures of us up on her

facebook or mine if I were to tag her in them. Pictures from vegas

trip with guys however, appeared on few of her friends facebook pages

and it was all okay until I saw them.

 

It sounds like you are bitter about this and being passive aggressive. You are either ok with something or you aren't - but the worst is to pretend like it is all okay all the while seething with resentment. I can't tell you how to feel - but I can ask you - what difference does it make to your life what it says on her facebook? Why is someone's relationship status on their facebook important to you? She is your girlfriend - so why is it important to you that everyone else know it as well? I know that for me - these things would not matter. I've been dating my gf for 2 years and I don't put anything about our relationship on my facebook page because I like to keep my life private - its not really anyone's business who I date - and if we ever have problems, I don't need the whole world to know that I'm changing my relationship status back and forth or whatever. I also don't care what other people think of me since I'm with my girlfriend because I like her company - not because I want the status or to be known as the guy who "has" her. And my life is much easier and smoother than guys who obsess over their gf's facebook wall.

 

 

Last year my girlfriend went to Vegas with few of her girlfriends for

what was supposed to be a bachelorette party but turned into a

"divorce" party. Pictures showed up on websites of her partying with

random guys at clubs, vip booths etc. She didn't mention any of that

after she came back from her trip so I wasn't thrilled and felt lied

to. We had many fights about that.

 

What's the point about having many fights about this? You have an expectation about how a girlfriend "should" act - and she doesn't agree. Now, if my girlfriend went to Vegas, I would fully expect her to party it up and go out- thats what people do in Vegas. And I would not care - and thats what makes my relationship so easygoing and smooth. She dumped her last bf when he started trying to control her (her words). I can't tell you how to feel - but I can show you that there is a different way and another, (easier in my opinion,) option - And I CAN tell you that having multiple fights over this is ineffective and useless. People don't really change - if you don't like her personality find a girl who better fits your image of how a girlfriend should act, instead of trying to change her. Ironically, if you were actually completely sold on the idea of "changing" her - the best way to do that would be to show that you would walk away, and if she cared enough she MIGHT change. Fighting, telling her how she should act, just lowers your position in her eyes and puts you in the role of a parent - and when parents tell their children what they should be doing the natural instinct is to rebel.

 

 

Recently 3 of her single friends started planning a Vegas trip for

memorial day weekend. My girlfriend asked me what I think about her

going to Las Vegas with them.

I assumed she knew my opinion about it since

she has brought up going to Miami with her best friend a couple of

times in the recent

months. I always told her that Miami isn't really a spot to "RELAX".

It just felt off to me that

someone who constantly mentions a relaxing vacation at the beach with

me wants to go to one

of the biggest party spots in the US.

I told her I wouldn't be happy about about her going to Vegas,

especially for memorial day weekend.

I actually got mad that after what we've been thru last year that she would

even consider going. Keep in mind that my understanding was that she

really wants a vacation-not a party weekend

with her girlfriends.

 

Again - you have this conservative view that girls in relationships should act more like housewives, and not like young women who like to go out and "party." She feels differently. Its an incompatibility issue. I think this will make your love life more difficult, but if thats the way you feel then get a new girl - don't try to change her.

 

After she brought it up several more times I finally said " Fine, Go".

I was clearly upset about the whole thing. I just decided

that she will know what to do and won't decide to go, just wait for us

to go together which is reassured her we will.

 

 

A few days went by. I was really down, almost depressed about whats

happening to my business, and her going to Vegas made

me feel 10 times worse.

A week later we had an argument about it and I said that I don't think

it's appropriate for her to go with single girls, especially after

all those times she told me she needs to relax. The end of that

argument that the trip is booked and there's nothing that can be done,

that she wishes it wasn't cuz if she did know how I truly felt about

it and told her she shouldn't go - she wouldn't. She said it was a

misunderstanding.

Also I forgot to mention that we've had plans with my cousins to go

to our family cabin on the lake which she pretty much cancelled by

going to Las Vegas.

 

Another week has passed and I was as unhappy as I was before. I

contemplated breaking up with her because I couldn't stand the fact

that a girl with whom I want to be

for the rest of my life with would still choose Vegas over me,

regardless of me being nearly depressed about it.

We went out for one of my friends fiance's birthday and after way too

many drinks I got all emotional about it. I just couldn't let it go

and started an argument at a club.

I was an ******* because this wasn't the right place and time for it.

Because of alcohol I actually ended up crying in front of her friends

( so embarrassing ).

We went to her house after that. Didn't speak about it next day

because we were too hungover to even talk.

Monday was the day where it all came back to life. I once again

explained how I felt and how I felt about her going to Vegas and why.

She told me that after her past 4 years in a relationship with a guy

who always promised her things and never went thru with them she needs

to think about herself.

She said that I cannot guarantee her that in 2 or 3 or 4 months we

will actually go on vacation and that going to Vegas was an

opportunity for her to actually go somewhere.

 

Ok - this is where you really lose it. Mixture of passive-aggressiveness, indecisiveness, pouting - all of the most unattractive behavior for a man. I know this is going to seem harsh but its the truth. In the begining of the relationship, you focused on being an attractive, cool, successful, charismatic guy. Then you go through the relationship stages, get more comfortable, let your guard down, and you become girlfriend and boyfriend. Somewhere along the way, you take her attraction for you for granted, and start telling her how she "should" act, because thats how a gf "should" act, instead of actually BEING the kind of guy that your gf WANTS to be attracted to - just like you tried to do at the begining.

 

Yes, the traditional relationship advice, talk it out, communicate your feelings, etc etc. - but this is your gf of a year and a half, not your wife of 15 years. The fact of the matter is, just like you are attracted to her for her beauty and cuteness and all those other wonderful feminine qualities, her attraction to you is based on your drive, confidence, success, ability to navigate the choppy waters of life smoothly. If she gained 150 lbs and stopped showering - would you feel the same? Well that is the equivalent of you breaking down crying in front of her friends because she decides to go to vegas.

 

Millions of years of evolution have honed sexual preferences for males and females. Women like strong men because they were able to protect them. Can a guy who so easily breaks down fulfill this role for her?

 

Yes we all want our gf to care for us and be affectionate - but they aren't replacement mommies. More like cats - if you call it and try to catch it it will run away. Its when you don't need it that they come and cuddle with you.

 

The whole buying lots of bikinis and making herself up for vegas does trouble you for a good reason - based on your behavior over this whole affair, a fun confident carefree frat boy with a 6 pack abs is going to seem really attractive compared to an indecisive jealous guy who breaks down crying over little things. So yes, I do think you understand this and I do think that is why this bothers you - but you need to recognize your own responsibility for bringing on this state of affairs.

 

Telling someone how they "should" feel and "should" act doesn't really work. Women are liberated now - they do what they want and don't need to act a certain way out of societal obligation. This means men have to step up their game and actually be the kind of man that your girl WANTS.

 

My advice to you is to tell her you need a break and tell her to go have fun in vegas, focus on fixing your business and your self esteem (make a financial business plan, go to the gym etc.) and reconnect with her when you are back to the confident succesfull guy who attracted her in the first place.

[lamaman3]

LOL...with all due respect, she's a freakin BARTENDER, not a famous public personna who needs to create an image that's vital to her success.

 

I repeat - she's a bartender.

 

What a crock of SH*T that she has to "hide" her relationship status on FB for her "career."

 

She's a freakin' BARTENDER...I think your girlfriend is sufferning from a dose of undeserved self-importance. Tell her to take it down a few notches.

 

I'm assuming that she was a bartender when he started dating her. Last time I checked, people usually want to date people who support them, not belittle them. If he, you, or anyone else, thinks being a bartender is so shameful, then they can simply not date the bartender in the first place and let her be with someone who isn't so judgemental. But where does someone get the nerve to start dating a bartender and then belittle her for her job? Are you really that desperate, that instead of dating someone you respect, you need to tell a girlfriend to knock down a few notches because of her job? Based on the OP, the "bartender" is doing pretty well for herself and hes not exactly in a position to be making fun of other's career.

 

Its never a good idea to belittle someone's job. OP would be better off focusing on getting his own life back on track and rebuilding his self-esteem.

[Chi townD]

I don't think Poster was bashing on the profession of Bartending. Just bashing on the excuse that she using her profession as a reason not to update her relationship status because it would affect her job. And I agree. How? She's just a bartender! See...I'm not bashing on the profession, just her dumb-ass excuse.

[g450]

I agree with Chitown,

 

Shes a bartender, woopdeedoo!

 

OP should save some money for his own gettaway to Vegas by himself. He needs to get away from all the drama and her over inflated ego.

 

Just go have a good time locally if you cant do that.

[TheFinalWord]

I always feel that there's a point in every relationship where your SO sees you in your most vulnerable state. It's not until your vulnerability is exposed and you see your SO's reaction that you REALLY know if it's meant to be.

 

What that response should be can vary for everyone. For the OP it's the fact that he can't do this vacation, she knows it hurts him, and her response to his vulnerability is to continuously show that her need to "relax" is more important than being with him. She even shoves it in your face by making you watch her shop. Watching a woman shop is already super boring, but watching her shop for a vacation she knows you're not happy about is insulting IMHO.

 

(I put relax in quotes, b/c personally don't understand how Vegas is a vacation for a bartender. She's surrounded by that drinking/party lifestyle 24/7. I guess you can gamble, but I don't see Vegas as a break from her regular routine. It just seems like an excuse to have a "singles" week without the ol' ball and chain! )

 

Anyone can make a relationship work when the attraction juices are flowing, when there's no hardships, pain, or tough decisions to make. But what about when the going gets tough and all you have is each other? Your company isn't enough for this woman. You now know how she is going to respond to your vulnerability. Is this a person you want to marry?

[rach24680]

Do you not think that it's wrong to simply getaway from someone once things get bad?!

 

Seems like things have been bad for a while?

She needs to relax and you're bordering on depression? It's not guna help her relax if you're on at her all the time. Saying you 'hoped she'd understand' after you told her to go - but really you didn't want her to? That's mixed signals.

I think you need to get some help for your depression before it breaks your relationship.

[Chi townD]

So what's the game plan razraz?

[Chi townD]

AND........nothing......hit and run.

[USCGAviator]

I think she's an adult, and if she wants to go have fun with her friends, you should send her with your blessing! Make her excited to come back home to you!

 

Trying to control what another person does NEVER ENDS WELL.

 

That said - if you really don't TRUST her, and you think that her "partying" with random guys could actually lead to more, you should break it off and let her be single.

 

Exactly!! Ditch the b*tch!!