Did I do the right thing??

[Stoneman70]

Good evening,

 

This is my first time posting. I am a 36 year old male who is married (but it was an arranged marriage and I am not in love with her). I am from Eastern Europe, but have lived in the US for 6 years.My wife does not live with me in the US because she can't get a visa. Last October, I met a woman out at a bar with my cousin. I was very attracted to her. We talked for two weeks and then I went back home to Europe for two months. I didn't call her because she is married too. I knew this from the beginning but the attaction was too strong.

 

When I returned to United States, I contacted her. Before I left, she told me she was having marriage problems and might be separating. When I returned she was still married. I thought I would like to see her so we did, but I felt bad. For the next few months, my love grew, but also my guilt, for myself and for her marriage as well. The fifth month we were together we had sex for the first time and it was unlike any I have ever had. I think this is because we fell in love first. During the past 5 months, I tried to end it and so did she, but we always came back to each other. We loved each other too much.

 

In April, I decided that living here in the US was too hard for me. I loved her so much and I still do. When I'm with her, it's like magic. I've never felt love like this, but my mind keeps saying...she is married and so are you..what could ever become of this? One time I tried to ignore her calls, but eventually we talked--she said I know you love me. I said, I know, but what I can do?? I want to be married to her, but it can't be.

 

So, in April, I made the decision to move back to Europe to be close to my parents and my wife, even though I did not want to. I felt a lot of pressure as the eldest son. I did not tell my love this. For a whole month, I kept this to myself. I did not want to say goodbye to her, but knew I should. She is my soul mate, but I feel too bad to break up her marriage. The last month we had together was perfect. I told her I was so happy. I've NEVER been this happy.

 

The day before I left I saw her for a few hours. We talked, we held hands, we kissed and hugged...but she didn't know I was leaving the next day. I couldn't tell her...my god I tried, but I couldn't say "goodbye." It felt so final.

 

I am now back in Europe. I am not going to contact her. I just can't. My love is so strong for her that I want her to be happy and I have to say goodbye. My brother told me she contacted him for my new number..he said she loved me and just wished I said goodbye. I told him to tell her I don't think we should talk anymore....I know I hurt her by this, but I didn't know what else to do.

 

Did I do the right thing? I knew if I told her I was leaving, we would talk and this love would never end...I don't want it to end in my heart. Maybe that is why I just left. It was too painful to say goodbye, but I had to for both of us....

 

please tell me your thoughts...

[wellwhynot]

You claim to love her yet, you'd let her wonder and think the worst not knowing what happened? Leaving someone with no explanation is cruel, doesn't matter what your relationship with them was.

Edited May 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[twinsmom]

The married man that I was in love with for close to four years just up and moved all the way across the United States without so much as telling me he was leaving. So not only did I not have any prior knowledge of his move, I didn't even get a goodbye. I have never forgiven him for that, and I doubt I ever will. That unforgivable action tainted anything that was ever good in our relationship. Furthermore, I found it to be very cowardly and weak. He was no longer the strong man I thought he was. In a nutshell, I think doing something like that is just about the most despicable thing someone can do to someone they profess to love. If you think it's the right thing for you, then good luck with that. For her, however, she will probably forever agonize over what you did, and what you did NOT have the courage to do. She will have no closure, and it will eat her up inside, for probably a very long time. She will question every single thing about your relationship, and then she will begin to question things about HER. How could he have done this? WHY did he do this to me?? I could go on and on..I can't tell you how wrong I think this is.

[Emme]

Did I do the right thing?

 

 

None of what happened in this relationship was right to begin with. You might think running away from confrontation is not saying goodbye but it is. You said your last goodbyes... she didn't. Your thinking is I'm going to take the easy route, when actually you took the hard one because here you are. On a forum questioning your actions. You didn't just rob her of having closure, you robbed yourself. Now that you are reflecting you need to question why. Your post makes me to think you wanted her to leave her spouse but you had no intention of leaving yours. If you are waiting for her to make that sacrifice... not gonna happen. You want her, you sacrifice.

 

Many people feel that cutting the OW/OM off is the safe way of ending things. No "One more time" or " One last time" can come up if they don't meet... It's safe. It's not. I feel the way to really let go is to have both parties say what they feel for the last time. That way it doesn't fester in their thoughts because they were given an opportunity.

 

What's done is done. Your family comes first. You have chosen, so don't look back.

[whichwayisup]

The married man that I was in love with for close to four years just up and moved all the way across the United States without so much as telling me he was leaving. So not only did I not have any prior knowledge of his move, I didn't even get a goodbye. I have never forgiven him for that, and I doubt I ever will. That unforgivable action tainted anything that was ever good in our relationship. Furthermore, I found it to be very cowardly and weak. He was no longer the strong man I thought he was. In a nutshell, I think doing something like that is just about the most despicable thing someone can do to someone they profess to love. If you think it's the right thing for you, then good luck with that. For her, however, she will probably forever agonize over what you did, and what you did NOT have the courage to do. She will have no closure, and it will eat her up inside, for probably a very long time. She will question every single thing about your relationship, and then she will begin to question things about HER. How could he have done this? WHY did he do this to me?? I could go on and on..I can't tell you how wrong I think this is.

 

Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll realize that it had to totally end this way. That she should focus on herself and her own family, aka her husband! The whole thing never should have happened from the start, both were married and both played with fire. They both got burnt, both felt pain.

And now both are lucky (or maybe not?) to have to live with the fact that they cheated on their spouses and got away with it.

 

It wasn't like they were going to divorce and be together. It was a fantasy, a what if situation/affair.. He had to be the strong one to let go and move on, not look back.

 

She can be mad and upset all she wants, but it still doesn't change the fact that affairs end... That she wears a ring on her finger and is married to her husband. If she is a strong woman she won't let this ruin or completely devastate her.

[whichwayisup]

The day before I left I saw her for a few hours. We talked, we held hands, we kissed and hugged...but she didn't know I was leaving the next day. I couldn't tell her...my god I tried, but I couldn't say "goodbye." It felt so final.

 

I am now back in Europe. I am not going to contact her. I just can't. My love is so strong for her that I want her to be happy and I have to say goodbye. My brother told me she contacted him for my new number..he said she loved me and just wished I said goodbye. I told him to tell her I don't think we should talk anymore....I know I hurt her by this, but I didn't know what else to do.

 

Did I do the right thing? I knew if I told her I was leaving, we would talk and this love would never end...I don't want it to end in my heart. Maybe that is why I just left. It was too painful to say goodbye, but I had to for both of us....

 

Is it because you can't deal with all this, her reaction and giving her some closure or is it best for you to not say goodbye (give yourself closure too) and push away the pain by focussing on your wife?

 

Can you live with this decision? If the situation was reversed, what would you prefer? Her to up and leave, not say goodbye or would you have at least liked to have a goodbye and get some closure?

 

Whatever your decision is, stick to it. You can't contact her in a year from now as that wouldn't be fair to her after so much time went by. It'll affect her healing and moving on. so, if you feel the need to contact her, do it sooner rather than later.

[twinsmom]

Perhaps, but I believe he owed her the courtesy of telling her. Regardless of how things will end in their situation, he owed her that.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps, but I believe he owed her the courtesy of telling her. Regardless of how things will end in their situation, he owed her that.

 

I do agree with this but this guy is going to do what is easiest and best for himself. It's not cool to do that to someone but with that said, if this was the less painful way out for him, he did this out of love and selfishness, not malcious intent.

[East7]

Hi Stoneman,

 

I'm from Eastern Europe too, but I am suprised that you say your marriage is arranged. Some countries in East are "traditionnal" but not to the point to push to marry people that don't love each-other.

 

Anyway, the question is not about "the goodbyes". Of course it feels great, that love is amazing, BUT you guys don't owe anything to each-other, she's married, you are married, it was a fling, an affair, period.

 

I know how it feels (I was there myself), I can't count how many times I felt guilt for being harsh or cutting off my xMW. Now when I look back I see myself as a fool.

 

You loved your xMW and feel some guilt, but did she ever promised you anything ? Did she told you she wanted to be with you ? Did she told you that if you promise her to be with her she would leave her H ? I didn't read such thing...

 

So yes the question is not about Goodbye-s. From that perspective, I think you have done the right thing, you don't owe her anything, she (probably) wasn't going to leave her husband and one day or another she would have thrown you under the bus.

 

If there is anything that I learned how to heal from the affair is : Honesty and integrity is the softest pill. Get it back man.

 

A gentleman would never cheat his significant other, nor would fool around with someone else's wife. I took back my integrity and believe me it feels GOOD

[woinlove]

If there is anything that I learned how to heal from the affair is : Honesty and integrity is the softest pill. Get it back man.

 

A gentleman would never cheat his significant other, nor would fool around with someone else's wife. I took back my integrity and believe me it feels GOOD

 

This says it all.

 

Learn to live with honesty and integrity and you will feel good about yourself and things will fall into place. It's really the answer to so many things on the OW/OM and Infidelity forums and in your case in particular, Stoneman.

[Stoneman70]

Thank you for your replies. I feel like a coward, yes. I should have told her goodbye. I guess when I saw her and the happiness in her eyes, I decided to just leave it as is and just spend our last moments together happily. I feel horrible for it all, but I know if I call her, we will be together again...it will never end...

 

I'm a very private person so no one knows what I'm going through...she understood me like no other, and living there in the US was torture knowing we couldn't be together forever. I know I did a bad thing by just leaving. My last picture of her was her blowing me kisses goodbye (and I doing the same)...I just want to remember our love and how I cherish it...

 

On our last main night together, I told her I wished she had never met her husband so we could be married. She said I want to be married to you to..I thought she was serious. I wanted her to be, because I would try to end my marriage if I could. My wife is great woman, but she is not my true love...I told my love that I have been with other women, but never felt this way about any woman and I meant it.

 

I think I always questioned her love ...I would ask her why she loved me, if she loved me, how much. I think I wanted to forget my life in Europe and just hope that my dream to be with her could come true. I know now it can't.

[Stoneman70]

East--

 

My marriage was arranged, not forced. Our families know each other and it was expected. I'm the eldest son and we knew each other our whole life. I feel a lot of pressure from my parents to do what's "right"....but I am not in love with my wife...she is not the woman for me, but it is so complicated.

[spice4life]

You should just say good bye to her for good and stay strong at keeping NC. By dropping off the face of the earth will keep her hoping more than anything else. Saying good bye enables to finally let go and grieve. Without it, the person is left wondering for a long time and if you care about her then you will do the right thing and end it properly. It's the compassionate thing to do. The fact that you married for the reasons you did has nothing to do with it. Not trying to be harsh, but that's your problem. You made a choice to be with your wife without being invlved in the affair, so do the right thing and be honest about it. She is a grown woman, she will learn to deal with it and move on with her life without you in it.

[Stoneman70]

My worry is by calling her to say goodbye, by hearing her voice, I will want to move back. I knew if I told her I was leaving, we would both cry and then I would decide to stay. I know I would...I had been in US for 6 years already. I loved living in the US, but knew if I wanted to stop feeling such a heavy heart, I had to leave.

 

On the last day, she told me, "Do you remember when you said your heart felt better after we saw each other?" I say "yes"...and she said she feels the same, she feels the magic. I said, I loved her, I miss her every day, but what I can do? I always said that. I really didn't know how it would have worked.

 

One thing I know is this....I will always love her, I will always cherish her, and I will never forget what our love was...7 months of true love. It was just too hard for both of us and I wanted to give her marriage a chance, as well as mine.

[wellwhynot]

My worry is by calling her to say goodbye, by hearing her voice, I will want to move back. I knew if I told her I was leaving, we would both cry and then I would decide to stay. I know I would...I had been in US for 6 years already. I loved living in the US, but knew if I wanted to stop feeling such a heavy heart, I had to leave.

 

On the last day, she told me, "Do you remember when you said your heart felt better after we saw each other?" I say "yes"...and she said she feels the same, she feels the magic. I said, I loved her, I miss her every day, but what I can do? I always said that. I really didn't know how it would have worked.

 

One thing I know is this....I will always love her, I will always cherish her, and I will never forget what our love was...7 months of true love. It was just too hard for both of us and I wanted to give her marriage a chance, as well as mine.

The least you could have done was sent her an email. Do you wonder how long she may have wondered if something had happened to you? If you were hurt, or injured or sick? This is a woman you profess to love, that has said she loves you, do you really think that woudln't be her first thought when she didn't hear from you?

But yeah, email, a chickenish way out but then you wouldn't have had to hear her voice and she wouldn't have to spend the rest of her life wondering wth happened.

[Stoneman70]

You are right....I avoided conflict because I am a coward and I hurt, badly. She did contact my brother the day after I left. She knows, from what he told me, that I am back in Europe now. He called me and said she was worried. He told her where I was. He told me she wanted my number...I said to not give it. I just don't want to continue the pain of wanting to be with her by contacting.

[wellwhynot]

You are right....I avoided conflict because I am a coward and I hurt, badly. She did contact my brother the day after I left. She knows, from what he told me, that I am back in Europe now. He called me and said she was worried. He told her where I was. He told me she wanted my number...I said to not give it. I just don't want to continue the pain of wanting to be with her by contacting.

You hurt, ok got it. Think how she feels. Someone said saying goodbye will let her grieve and move on. I agree. You left her in limbo and that's not exactly loving. You said it was just too hard for both of you. Nope, sounds like it was just too hard for you. You never asked if it was too hard for her, so don't pretend to be all noble about it. You wanted out, you walked away, totally acceptable.

But you didn't tell her you were and you are saying you did it for her... no you didn't. Be honest with yourself at least if you couldn't be honest with her.

[Stoneman70]

This is true....I am only thinking of myself. I will live with this forever. I just didn't know what else to do, to tell the truth. I just felt I had to dissapear to make a clean break...it was wrong.

 

I can't imagine the pain she is in, I will just have to live with this guilt. I think I will tell my brother to tell her I am sorry and goodbye. I just feel so sick for getting into this mess, but like I said, I will never look back on our affair with sadness, but with happiness and love. It was like nothing I've experienced. I do owe her a goodbye, I know. She may not ever feel the same, the happy memories and love I feel because of my leaving. I have to live with that.

[spice4life]

The biggest thing I learned from my affair and past relationship is that avoiding conflict robs a person of their right to choose. In a sense, you are robbing her of her right to grieve properly. You are actually keeping the door open a crack by not making it final with words. You are also forcing her into limbo, which is totally unfair. But, it appears that it is how you choose to do things based on what you've posted. Why not just be a stand up guy and learn from the pain this has caused and cut the string once and for all? You've decided to live with the choices that have been made for you and accept your life as it is, so why not give her a parting gift of being able to grieve properly? Just because you choose to suffer in silence doesn't mean you have the right to impose that on others.

Edited May 12, 2012 by spice4life

[Stoneman70]

I've always had a big problem with avoiding conflict. I don't share my feelings with anyone really. I think this is why I did this. It all makes more sense when someone else points it out. If I see a situation will be very painful for both, I try to just avoid it. It has caused me problems before.

 

With my love, I could share more than I ever have, even though it was hard to tell her I was leaving. She understood me...we got each other...I feel so stupid for getting into this mess, but I don't regret meeting her. I am holding her in my heart--forever. I love her so very much...it's painful to even think about it...I just wish I never had married and neither had she. I just wanted us to be together...I guess in a perfect world. I did say to her, "If we were married, we would probably never get anything done." All I wanted to do was to hold and kiss her. Many times, I wanted her to stay the night with me to snuggle, but she wouldn't...I just wanted ALL of her..

 

I think I'm going to tell her goodbye. I will figure it out, but for now I just am sad. Life is not fair..

[frozensprouts]

a couple of points...

 

 

(a) if you don't feel like you can actually speak to her on the phone, then you should consider sending your ex other woman an email explaining why you left. it seems very unkind of you to just leave her this way.

 

(b) ( i know this comment may earn me quite a few "thumbs down", but, in all fairness to your wife, have you considered telling her how yu feel/ don't feel about her? She really does deserve to know, and maybe she feels the same way. if she does, or even if she doesn't, at least if she knows how you feel, she'll be able to make informed choices about her life. I'm not sure how your culture views infidelity, but here, i think most people would prefer to know their spouse's feelings and not have everyone else know but them that their spouse is being unfaithful. besides, it's better she learn about it from you rather than someone else( your brother, your ex other womn if she decides to try and contact you, etc.)

[Stoneman70]

It's hard to get a divorce where I am from. Its not that it cant happen, but marriage is for better or for worse. I do want to work on my marriage. One issue is that we haven't lived together in 6 years. We got married and I got a better job opportunity in the US. We saw each other 2 months out of the year when i travelled home, but it wasn't enough. I now hope we can see if this marriage can last. I want to be in love with my wife, but im not...I am very sick about everything. I left the US due to not being able to be with my love and to try to make my marriahe hopefully work. I havent really given it a chance.

[pureinheart]

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I really am sorry what you are going through. I don't have any advice, although do have a story. My best friend had an affair with a co-worker. He was in an arranged marriage also. He was miserable. I think she was his cousin too, but can't remember.

 

They had a baby together and I think shortly after that she just didn't hear from him again, and I think he left his wife too. He was very much in love with my bf, although their relationship was rocky to say the least and he was extremely jealous of her...it was a mess at times. Most of our friends were glad when he disappeared, but I saw her pain, the pain of everything that had gone down. He went off the deep end and would have never left his kid, so possibly he is in either prison or dead.

 

We do the best we can with what we have at the time, so hang in there and if you feel it is right to remain in NC then I hope you come to terms with that for your own sake and healing. You have to do what you think is right.

 

It is my hope that everyone heals from this situation...hang in there, k.

[East7]

Ok guys, why is everyone feeling so sorry for the poor Married other woman that didn't had her "Goodbye" ? Hell, she is MARRIED.

 

I didn't read anywhere that she promised leaving her H to be with Stone...

 

Am I too bitter or we are victimizing her ?

[East7]

It's hard to get a divorce where I am from. Its not that it cant happen, but marriage is for better or for worse. I do want to work on my marriage. One issue is that we haven't lived together in 6 years. We got married and I got a better job opportunity in the US. We saw each other 2 months out of the year when i travelled home, but it wasn't enough. I now hope we can see if this marriage can last. I want to be in love with my wife, but im not...I am very sick about everything. I left the US due to not being able to be with my love and to try to make my marriahe hopefully work. I havent really given it a chance.

 

Stone, I understand how you are overwhelmed with feelings for your xMW. I have been there, I know how it is. She is right now probably as much overwhelmed as you but you guys are in the "fog period" of the a affair. You enjoy the feelings and the high without knowing where this was going...Was it going anywhere ??? (I'm talking in past tense because it is supposed to be ended).

 

The thing is you both didn't have a plan together. How realistically could you be together ? That is all the question. There are HUGE barriers, two divorces, kids (eventually), finances, where you guys would live together ? That was not going to happen overnight and you both would have serious guilt issues.

 

If the Goodbye is really tearing your heart, I suggest you write an e-mail to her and explain everything.

 

When I was talking about integrity, just stop for a while and think about this : You are banging someone else's wife. Of course she is consenting, even in love with you, but would you be happy if your wife had a lover and gets laid behind your back ?

 

Just because you are in Love with MW doesn't make it right. Your wife doesn't deserve this. If you don't love her, why don't you do it right and let her be alone (she was alone for years you said).