Abandoned, 3 years later

[ryepatch]

I haven't been on loveshack for a really long time. But I've been thinking about doing this for a while now. This community helped me through the most devastating days of my life. And I know there's new people out there, suffering through new tragedies. I don't know if any of you might benefit from anything I have to say. But I feel like I owe it to you.

 

A brief summary. I'm 33 years old. My wife and I were married when we were 22. It was bliss; we were twins. In her late 20's, though, she began to suffer from a severe mood disorder, just like her father had at the same age. We didn't have relationship problems, at all; but she just could never make up her mind about what she wanted. It was hell to live with her, total hell, but I was committed for life. And I didn't want to recognize it as a mental illness, until it was too late. She left in the middle of the night, cleaned out our saving, and before long, I started hearing about all the new drugs she was doing and how she was randomly flying around the country and doing crazy sh*t. She shut out all of her friends and close family members, left all her clothes and books and CDs and paintings and family heirlooms with me, along with her beloved cats, and said she never wanted to see any of it again. That's when I went on Loveshack.

 

I was suicidal for a long time; I was crazy night and day, in a state of constant panic. I couldn't even concentrate enough to pay our bills. Go back and look at my posts; I was just as f*cked up as you are right now. My life was over. I couldn't look at our cats without disappearing inside. This lasted for about a year and a half. I was just lucky that I had good friends (although none of them local; she and I had moved to Arizona not that long ago, and I didn't really know anyone in town) and family that stood behind me, and helped me out financially. I mean, I was 30 years old, and had been independent from my parents since I was 18. But they couldn't even trust me to give me money and pay my own bills. They actually had to pay them for me.

 

I also had an incredible therapist, and though I had never been on drugs before in my life, my doctor finally convinced me to go on antidepressants and betablockers. I didn't feel better; but I didn't bottom out, either.

 

I survived. I often wish I hadn't. If I knew then what I know now, I would have killed myself the day after she left. So much suffering. But I didn't, and it's ok. One of our three cats died a few weeks ago; it was terribly hard on me. But the three of us remain. I've still got 60% of my family with me.

 

For all my efforts in getting all of our friends together to stage an intervention for her, I was prosecuted for harassment, and I spent 100 days in jail (never had any run-ins with the law before this). I wanted badly to kill myself when I landed there, but there was just no way to do it. I've been out for almost a year now, and I'll be finishing my degree in December, and I actually have a job now. Dating? No. But I've gotten used to myself. It's weird, if you're an other-directed person, and you always have been. But it's possible.

 

That's the brief, non-poetic account of where I am now. I was just f*cking destroyed by what happened, but I'm still alive. And I'm lucky enough to live in a place where there's a blue sky every day. If anyone wants to comment on this, that's ok. I don't know, maybe I'm being narcissistic. But maybe I can help one of you somehow.

[tojaz]

Welcome back Rye, and glad to see your starting to come out on the other side. I knew you had it in you.

 

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Hopefully you are still living in Arizona.

 

I have traveled the west and I would say it is a great state to heal a broken heart, as the women there seem like they are truly down to earth.

[worldgonewrong]

Ryepatch - you've been through hell & back, and we are all blessed that you're here to testify on emerging from the other side. You are an inspiration, bro. Dang. Very moving testimony.