Husband's fantasies are ruining our marriage

[WilmaFlinstone]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. In the beginning, we had a very active sex life, but now I rarely want to make love. Every time we initiate sex, he starts fantasizing that I'm a nurse or a teacher or some other woman in charge. At first I was okay with it, but now I feel that he can't make love to me without the fantasy.

 

It all went downhill a few years ago when during a lovemaking session he was fantasizing that I was a teacher and he was a little boy. This turned me off immediately and I told him so. Ever since then, I cringe whenever he starts his role playing.

 

There are a couple issues:

 

1. He makes me feel like I need to be someone else.

 

I've told him on many occasions that it would help to know that I'M the one turning him on and he's destroying my self worth as a woman.

 

A couple of months ago during one of out date nights, we stopped into a bar after dinner. Things were going great until he started role playing that he didn't know me and was trying to pick me up. That ruined the evening for me.

 

Again - for whatever reason, he chose to make me someone other than myself.

 

2. The reverting to a child thing, though rare, REALLY turns me off.

 

Today is Mother's Day. This morning he became amorous and was, at first being very affectionate and he wished me a happy Mother's day. Then in the next breath, he said, "You can be my mother today if you want."

 

This made me so sick. I admonished him and told him that it was a gross thing to say and immediately got out of bed. I was completely turned off.

 

He told me he didn't understand why I would feel that was gross and now I'm the bad person. I tried to give him a hug later and he rebuked me and was very indignant. Happy Mother's Day, indeed.

 

3. He sees my not wanting to have sex as a rejection of him.

 

My husband is a very good looking and desirable man. It's not him I'm rejecting - just his fantasies.

 

 

I'm at my wit's end. I've tried talking to him, but nothing I say gets through to him. I love him very, very much. Can anyone offer any advice that can help us through this?

[michelangelo]

He has a fetish, not a fantasy.

 

It's called infantalism.

 

He won't change.

[jphcbpa]

just go with it. at least you are having sex in your marriage

[Almond_Joy]

That is a very odd fantasy and the increasing frequency of his desire for role play in and outside of the bedroom sounds to me like he is trying to disconnect from reality. That's disturbing.

 

Instead of approaching the issue frim the perspective of how it makes you feel, have you tried talking about it in terms of what it's doing for him? Why does the idea of assuming another identity appeal to him so much, particularly that of a powerless boy? Maybe his motivation will help to figure out other ways the need he's trying to fill can be met.

 

I don't think this tendency has anything to do with him not loving you as you are. I understand why you feel hurt, but try not to take it personally. It sounds like he's struggling with some growing unfulfilled need and in his,quest to fulfill it he's lost sight of your needs.

 

If he won't talk to you about this , maybe hearing what you're saying from a third party will be more effective in getting the message through to him (close friend or therapist).

 

Good luck.

[xxoo]

Is it the case that he wants role play and fantasy talk every time, and never wants simple sexual connection between him and you?

 

Or is this something that he'd like to explore through fantasy, and you are unwilling to entertain the idea at all?

 

Either extreme would be bad, but there is potentially a lot of middle ground that could work for both of you. For instance, the fantasy play could be every 4th sexual encounter (or thereabouts), keeping his needs met, but not undermining the sexual foundation of your relationship. The two of you would have to talk openly to see if a compromise that works for both of you could be reached.

 

A couple points....fantasy doesn't mean he doesn't want you. He is inserting you into the fantasy. For instance, if he is fantasizing about the bar pick up scene, he's the lucky stranger picking up you. This can be hot!

 

You have a right to say veto any fantasy that is simply out of your comfort zone, like the little boy stuff. That would be a huge turn off for me, and I just couldn't do it.

 

He used very bad judgment bringing up the "mommy" stuff on Mother's Day But it also shows how this stuff is always on his mind, probably overwhelming him. Have a very frank discussion with him about what he needs, what you can handle, and go from there. If it is swept under the rug and not discussed openly, he may look to have those sexual needs met elsewhere.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't see his fantasies being as much the problem as his inability to grasp or acknowledge how you feel. Continually pushing for something he knows doesn't work for you means he either doesn't care, or he doesn't get it.

 

There's nothing wrong with having fantasies and fetishes - with a willing partner. In this case, it should be obvious to him you're not so willing. Sexual incompatibility is a huge problem in a relationship. It's not going to just go away. He won't stop being turned on by whatever turns him on just because it doesn't work for you. You won't start being turned on by things that don't turn you on just because you desire to save the relationship.

 

You can try counseling, but, I don't know if that will help. In my experience, somewhere down the line, sexual incompatibility which remains unresolved eventually leads to the end of the relationship, one way or another.

[CarrieT]

There's nothing wrong with having fantasies and fetishes - with a willing partner. In this case, it should be obvious to him you're not so willing. Sexual incompatibility is a huge problem in a relationship. It's not going to just go away. He won't stop being turned on by whatever turns him on just because it doesn't work for you. You won't start being turned on by things that don't turn you on just because you desire to save the relationship.

 

^^ THIS ^^

 

You can either learn to live with his desires or not. They are not going to go away and if you demand that he suppress them, he will begin to resent you and could possibly look to have his fantasies fulfilled outside your marriage.

 

I'm sorry you are so appalled by his fantasies but like others, I would heartily recommend counseling.

[happyme]

I agree with Almond Joy, that's an insightful perspective imo.

 

I understand you totally. However, the key here is if you can get to see that this is not about you at all. If you can do that, perhaps with some guidance from a trusted therapist, you won't take it personally any more and as a result you will no longer feel hurt. In fact, this will be helpful to both of you.

 

He's not wanting you to be someone else, but I totally and completely get why you feel it that way.

 

Here you go: if you can, with time, get to the place where you don't take it personally... then in turn he will feel more able to open up and share with you what is really going on.

 

Sexuality is not a stand-alone concept.. it reflects, sways, changes, evolves, and sway alongside all the other elements of being a living, feeling, thinking being and is also to an extend shaped by one's experiences, both during development and in the present time.

 

But truly: it's not a negative reflection on you.

 

Wish you all the best x

[TigerCub]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do some role play with one's partner. Sexy nurse is everyone's fantasy.

The wanting to be a little boy thing - yeah that would turn me off too, but the other scenarios aren't bad.

 

You've been married for 7 years, and most likely dated a few years before then - so you have maybe about 9 years or so of having sex - its normal to want to spice it up so that things don't get so predictable and boring.

 

The meeting a stranger at a bar thing - that's not meant to be an insulting scenario - you see it as "oh he doesn't want me for me" - but he wants YOU to play that stranger. If he really wanted a stranger he would have cheated on you with one.

 

I think he wants you to just role play and spice things up (again, I'm not including the little boy thing - although that's a fetish and I'm not judging, I admit, I wouldn't be so comfortable with that one either) - but I do think that after so many years, its normal to want to expand on the sexual routine.

 

He's attracted to you - or else he wouldn't want to be having sex with you in the first place.

 

I do agree with another poster that said that role play all the time avoids attachment, so it shouldn't be done with every single sexual encounter you have - but I honestly don't see anything wrong with role play, especially for a couple that's been together for that long.

Edited May 14, 2012 by TigerCub

[Stellar Wench]

With the rampant feminism on this forum, I'm surprised that you are being advised to lay down and take it.

 

Please consider one thing. When he role plays, he is the one playing another person, not you. He is picking you up, remember?

 

Your guy sounds like he has some insecurity issues and needs to be someone else to hide them. Have you noticed how his fantasies surround him being someone else? Why isn't he comfortable in his own skin? What he does not realise is that his insecurity issues are cause you insecurity issues. YOU are not the problem.

 

You do not have to play along if you are uncomfortable. We all have fantasies that will never be played out. My fantasy is to tie up George Clooney and f*ck that stupid smug smile off his face. Think that will ever happen?

 

Please don't feel bad that your husband feels inadequate. There are many more ways to help him deal with his issues.

[GorillaTheater]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do some role play with one's partner. Sexy nurse is everyone's fantasy.

 

One of mine, to be sure.

 

I get indulging fantasies, but there are limits and I understand where the OP is coming from. If my wife wanted to play some kind of "daddy" game, I'd have to decline. I have four daughters, and can't imagine too many ways to get limper as quickly.

[Feelin Frisky]

Welcome to love Shack. I'm sorry you had to hear the few predictably shallow remarks that imply why not go with it? Most others had some substance. You probably couldn't tell that you were "enabling" someone with a host of fixations but the bottom line in all of it is a self-absorption with his own gratification at the expense of healthy normal sharing of sex and love with each other. When conversation turns to this subject I usually sound to some like Mr. Plain Vanilla because I don't dig kink, bondage, S&M w/e. But "vanilla" shouldn't mean "missionary" sex in one position. I am most satisfied by sharing love and sex without pretense. And I'm sorry but I don't know how to advise someone in a relationship in which sex has degenerated into receiver and server for a large part. Perhaps professional counselling could help. Choose someone with good credentials who is not just a weirdo who wants to sauce everyone else up. Make a call and ask for serious help. And be prepared that there may not be an answer as at least one poster suggested.

[RiverRunning]

Welcome to love Shack. I'm sorry you had to hear the few predictably shallow remarks that imply why not go with it? Most others had some substance. You probably couldn't tell that you were "enabling" someone with a host of fixations but the bottom line in all of it is a self-absorption with his own gratification at the expense of healthy normal sharing of sex and love with each other. When conversation turns to this subject I usually sound to some like Mr. Plain Vanilla because I don't dig kink, bondage, S&M w/e. But "vanilla" shouldn't mean "missionary" sex in one position. I am most satisfied by sharing love and sex without pretense. And I'm sorry but I don't know how to advise someone in a relationship in which sex has degenerated into receiver and server for a large part. Perhaps professional counselling could help. Choose someone with good credentials who is not just a weirdo who wants to sauce everyone else up. Make a call and ask for serious help. And be prepared that there may not be an answer as at least one poster suggested.

 

 

Feelin Frisky always knows the right things to say.

 

I agree that counseling sounds right - the fact that he perpetually forces this on you is worrisome.

 

If nothing else, maybe you could have a conversation with him and ask him more about his fantasies. Even if it's a bit odd and outside your comfort zone, I don't see anything wrong with trying to do the nurse/schoolteacher thing...A BIT, as long as he's willing to try out one of your fantasies in return.

 

But I'd let him know straight-off what's off the bargaining table: playing 'mommy' to a small child. Maybe porn featuring such a fetish angle would help him satisfy those feelings (note: NOT kiddie porn, just so that's clear, people). I'd also let him know exactly what's going to happen if he suggests those kinds of activities: you are leaving the room and the conversation if he tries to persist.

 

Or, start doing some browsing and looking around at all the kink that's out there. Give him your opinion and ask him if that satisfies him. You may be able to break him out of the role-play stuff. Maybe he's got more of a thing for simply being submissive or wearing crotchless underwear or something, he'll discover, and that will be enough to sway him away from a constant desire to roleplay.

 

But I'd say therapist is step 1

[alexandria35]

^^ THIS ^^

 

You can either learn to live with his desires or not. They are not going to go away and if you demand that he suppress them, he will begin to resent you and could possibly look to have his fantasies fulfilled outside your marriage.

 

I'm sorry you are so appalled by his fantasies but like others, I would heartily recommend counseling.

 

So when a guy gets married his wife becomes his personal live sex toy who is obligated to make all of his fantasies come true? Even if the fantasies turn her off? Hmm...I thought sex was supposed to be fun and fullfilling for both people, but apparently the wife is supposed to put her own feelings away and just live to sexually please her husband. Most people have a few fantasies that they know are not going to ever come to fruition. I have some pretty bizarre and wild fantasies myself and there is no way in the world that I would expect someone else to indulge them, much less resent them or leave them for not doing so. A big part of my fun in the sack is knowing that my partner is also having a wicked good time so I would not enjoy engaging in a sexual activity which i know turns the heat way down for him.

 

That being said, fantasies and fetishes do not go away just because someone else doesn't approve of them. Most people don't choose their fetishes, they are something that just become a part of the psyche and they are deeply ingrained, but on the fip side most of us don't choose to be turned off or repulsed by certain things, we just are. The OPs husband can't help that this fantasy turns him on and the OP can't help that it turns her off. It is what it is. Ideally it would be nice if the OP and her husband could find some middle ground, although I admit I don't have any idea what that middle ground would be in this situation. If it turns the OP off so much that she can't enjoy sex then I don't think she should do it because it's not fair to her. I didn't get the impression that her husband can't have an orgasm without the fantasy so I think he should maybe save that fantasy for himself and explore if there are some other fantasies that he likes that his wife will also enjoy.

[CarboniteCammy]

I have two perspectives on this:

 

As someone who has some pretty weird fantasies herself who is married to someone totally vanilla, I often save my fantasies for the times when I just take care of myself.

 

I *love* my husband and I *love* our sex together, but it's no fun for me if he gets turned off during the proceedings. I hate to use the word compromise when I am fufilled by what we do...I guess for me the fantasies aren't a necessity, but are kind of like sprinkles (not even the icing) on the cake.

 

If the chemistry itself is crappy, then fantasies may not work to fix things. In your place, I'd make sure that he was still feeling attraction to you and still enjoyed "regular" sex with you. It would make me wonder why his desire to roll play had intensified.

 

Does he have any new friends he's hanging around with? There are whole communities of people who do what most sexually normal people consider odd.

 

My other perspective is that he *could* indulge himself by calling a sex hotline OR by using webcam. Everyone's definition of cheating is different- if my hubby told me he *needed* something I couldn't (or wouldn't) do then I would probably allow him the freedom to explore these fantasies within safe perimeters. For me, phone/webcame = safer then going out and practicing them on another woman.

 

If that works for him, then that could be his outlet as long as it didn't interfear with our normal sex life. If it got to be a mental addiction, then we'd probably have to go to a counselor and work through it, but I don't see a problem with him needing to explore this alternate part of himself.

[frozensprouts]

a friend of mine had a similar problem ( but the "turn on " for her husband was something different hat she found repulsive). They did get some counseling, but found that what helped them the most was when they st down at the kitchen table and talked about it. They felt that the table was kind of a neutral space for them, and they discussed his fantasies and more importantly, he explained what it was about them that he found so appealing. Once she understood why he enjoyed these scenarios, and once he understood that she wasn't rejecting him, nor was she judging him badly because he thought they were so great, they were able to find ways to incorporate his fantasies, albeit in very small ways into their sex life, and he didn't take it personally when she told him things were going too far.

 

It worked for them...do you think this may help you?

[Star Gazer]

The OP sounds pretty insulting when talking about her H's fantasies and how she communicates with him about them. Rather than expressing, "Eh, that's really not my thing, why don't we do this instead?" she's "admonishing him" and telling him how much he's turning her off.

 

Who's doing the damage, really?

[fucpcg]

When it comes to fetish and fantasy, I really am surprised by how many people in here say they can't stomach that kind of stuff. WOW. It's only sex, and it sure can be a lot of fun when you get creative! My ex and I both engaged in plenty of kink, but we equally had our share of just hot, passionate, straight on sex. Not sex, love making. I can't live without my fetishes, but I sure couldn't live without just being intertwined and sweaty with the woman that fulfilled my heart, my soul, my life.

 

Whatever kinks anyone has, for the most part good for them! But if this man doesn't have a passion for his wife just being his wife, that's too bad and not right. And if you talked about it without him even giving a seconds recognition of your concerns, even worse:(

[wellwhynot]

Sexual compatibility is important. No a woman doesn't become a man's sex toy when they get married, but also he shouldn't have to repress all of his sexual needs either. I get that there is a LOT here you may not be comfortable with and you are 100% within your rights to reject it... but at the same time, some of this might be a nice "compromise"

 

Would it have hurt to have flirted with him across a drink at the bar to pretend you were meeting for the first time and picking each other up?

I understand limits, and boundaries and if a lot of the other stuff is off the table so to speak, why blacklist something like that?

 

Can you agree that you are game for something like that every so often (if you are) but only then? That most of the time you want it to be the 2 of you together as you?

 

I don't see much solution here because his quirks or "kinks" aren't going to go away and your needs are as important as his. I think that's the biggest thing, the two of you will need to find a way to work this out together or you won't overcome it.

[Bellechica]

Wilma, you definitely need to let him know how you feel, but don't discuss it in bed. My H and I have some sexual problems and I have felt rejected and he has felt pressured, so I see both sides in your issue.

I think you need to be very clear that it hurts you that he wants to role play because it doesn't make you feel loved for being you.

In M we don't ajeays get our way. We make compromises and sacrifices for our significant other.

In my situation, I realize there are certain things my H will not do sexually with me (nothing feitishy, just things I wanted to spice it up). He doesn't want to do those things, but it's not a deal breaker. I find other ways of getting satisfaction and I'm just happy when we have sex. We have mismatched libidios, but I think I can deal.

The main point is to address the problem as soon as possible, so it doesn't fester and cause you both to resent each other because then sex just gets very awkward.