How long till it stops hurting?

[RickFox]

Thanks for your replies. I feel like I've painted my love in a harsh light. She didn't trick me...she was thinking of separating, then I left to cone hone to Europe for two months. In those two months, she and her husband tried to work through things. When I returned, I contacted her, not the other way around. I wanted to pursue things...she told me if i never told her I was back, it would have been easier. I wanted to be with her...she still struggled....month 5 she said she wanted to try to work things out more with her husband. She tried to end it with me, but I persisted. It was like this a few times...i tried to say goodbye too, but she contacted me...I think we both had issues and tried to do the right thing the whole time. It was just hard when we loved each other so much.

 

No, you're painting her in the same light all of us who have had affairs paint our partner in. Pefect in every way, a dream, a match made in heaven, blah blah blah.

 

Do your wife a favor and say goodbye, you refer to the OW as 'my love' in all of your posts. Your wife is just that, a wife. Save her and yourself the trouble. Then go back to the US and profess your love for you "love" and see how fast she abandons her marraige for you.... Then you might get some clarity.

 

Don't think you're the only one who has been through this type of thing, cause you aren't.

[frozensprouts]

How can things be better between you when "your love" isn't her?

 

How can your marriage be what you want it to be when you're "in love" with someone else?

 

How can your marriage improve if your wife remains with you under the deception that you love her first and foremost, that that you've remained honest and faithful to her...and how could your marriage improve if it's possible that you'd discard it all again in a moment if "your love" showed up at your door stating she was divorced???

 

I'm very pro-marriage, don't take me wrong. I'm also the BS in a marriage that recovered well from my wife's involvement with another man.

 

But...it didn't happen while she was still firmly convinced that OM was "her love".

 

Read my signature. Are you prepared to actually make your marriage your top priority...'forsaking all others'...even if "your love" showed up claiming she was yours.........or are you "settling" for your wife because you've got nowhere else to go?

 

If it's your wife you want...give her the respect of telling her the whole truth of the situation, so that she can decide if she still wants you after all of this...and in the light of knowing you're still "in love" with someone else.

 

OP,

what Owl says makes a lot of sense, no matter what type of marriage you have.

I know you have been married for a while now, but given the amount of time you have been able to spend with your wife, it sounds like you really don't have a lot of experience with marriage. You and your wife sound more like virtual strangers.

It's going to take more than just being in the same location with your wife to make your marriage work. Your heart has to be in it too. i suspect that even in an arranged marriage, there is no room for a "third person", even if she is no longer physically in the picture. If she's there mentally, it can do as much damage. You may find you holding your wife to the standard of your other woman. This is a standard that, because you have idealized your other woman, your wife may never find it possible to meet. I know you don't wnat to hurt your wife, and you do seem sincere that you want to make the relation ship work, but to do that, you have to be willing to completely let your other woman go, in body, mind and spirit...otherwise, you are being very unfair to your wife.

 

Your culture sounds very different from mine, as arranged ( or even "expected" marriages) are not the norm, so i have little experience in that area, save from a few friends who in in arranged marriages ( one couple is from India, the other are Sri Lankan). From what they told me, it was hard to form the initial bond of love in the marriage for them, as they were marrying someone they had never even really met very much before their marriage. It took a while, and a lot of patience and understanding, but they did it, and both couples seem very happy. But i can't help but think that if there was a secret "other man/woman" involved, it would have been much more difficult for them to get through that difficult initial stage of their marriage when they were trying to form a bond beyond just 'we're married".

 

 

 

I do feel really bad for you, as you sound like someone who really wants to do what you feel is right.

[Stoneman70]

I guess I have some soul searching to do. As I mentioned before, I have a hard time with my feelings...most of the time running away from pain, trying to pretend its all ok. I've bern through a lot of grief with my countries problems, moving away from my wife, and dealing with everything that happened after that. I would like to just get over my love abroad...that is what I need to do. I need to think through every piece of advice given hete. I never thought this would happen to me. I just need to learn how to deal with my feelings and be honest...I'm 36 and I struggle with this so much. I try to pretend its all ok.

[Owl]

I try to pretend its all ok.

 

"Well, there's your problem!"- Mythbusters

 

Pretending it's all ok doesn't SOLVE anything. It avoids addressing the situation, the problem, and bringing everything to resolution.

 

Going home to your wife and PRETENDING like nothing is wrong doesn't solve the problems that exist in your marriage, in your life, or in your heart.

 

ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.

 

Figure out what "the problem" is. Is it your marriage? Is it your feelings for OW? I dunno...I'm not gonna try to decide that from here.

 

But YOU need to figure that out first and foremost, and you're not going to do it while hiding it from your wife and pretending nothing is wrong.

 

Decide first if there is a basis in your marriage to continue it or not. You don't seem to feel all that much for your wife in all of these posts...you never once mention that you love her. But the OW is constantly referred to as "your love". If that's truly how you feel and how your feelings for both women compare...why on Earth are you still married at all?

 

That's my thoughts.

[Stoneman70]

I love my wife....I married her because it was expected and i fell in love too, but with our situation my love for her changed. It didn't go away, but it changed. I fell in love in the US with S (ill call her that). I never expected that. To tell truth, I thought it would just be sex, but she didn't want to do that and wanted to get to know each other...so to my disbelief, I fell in love. I never expected it. She even could read me...would say you never expected to love me did you? She was right. Love is love...I knew when I got back from Europe and all i wanted to do was to see her, that it was turning into love. Anywho, yes ive been a bad husband and I know that. Its not so easy to just divorce though. It's more complicated than in the US...my family expects me to stay married despite hardships so I want to TRY to make it work. I have to at least try, right? I know it makes me sound like a coward, but I don't want to tell my wife about this...I want to start fresh and just try. We will ser how it goes.

[East7]

I guess I have some soul searching to do. As I mentioned before, I have a hard time with my feelings...most of the time running away from pain, trying to pretend its all ok. I've bern through a lot of grief with my countries problems, moving away from my wife, and dealing with everything that happened after that. I would like to just get over my love abroad...that is what I need to do. I need to think through every piece of advice given hete. I never thought this would happen to me. I just need to learn how to deal with my feelings and be honest...I'm 36 and I struggle with this so much. I try to pretend its all ok.

 

Stoneman,

do you have private messaging activated ? I wish I could write you.

 

Anyway..No matter how much you love her, please stop calling her "my love" ... she showed you with her actions that she had zero intention to leave her H and be with you. Whether you like it or not, this is the hard, cold and cruel truth : She never promised you anything because she doesn't want to be with you. If she wanted, she wouldn't have stayed living under the same roof with her H and work on her marriage !

 

You both acted cowardly, you both wanted the passion and the thrill without breaking your respective marriages.

 

Now to come to the topic : How long it takes to get over the pain? The 3 first weeks are hell (21 days rule), so just you know..Then depending on how you are emotionally strong, it will take 3 months of chronic sadness and roller coaster - provided that you stay total NC. If you restore contact with her in any shape/form you get back to square one !

[Owl]

The "standard rule of thumb" is that it takes approximately one week per month of affair before "the fog starts to lift" and you're able to start thinking/feeling more clearly again.

 

This is pulled from a couple of sources for marital recovery after infidelity that I dealt with during my own situation, and it's seemed relatively accurate from what I've seen here on LS.

[Owl]

I love my wife....I married her because it was expected and i fell in love too, but with our situation my love for her changed. It didn't go away, but it changed. I fell in love in the US with S (ill call her that). I never expected that. To tell truth, I thought it would just be sex, but she didn't want to do that and wanted to get to know each other...so to my disbelief, I fell in love. I never expected it. She even could read me...would say you never expected to love me did you? She was right. Love is love...I knew when I got back from Europe and all i wanted to do was to see her, that it was turning into love. Anywho, yes ive been a bad husband and I know that. Its not so easy to just divorce though. It's more complicated than in the US...my family expects me to stay married despite hardships so I want to TRY to make it work. I have to at least try, right? I know it makes me sound like a coward, but I don't want to tell my wife about this...I want to start fresh and just try. We will ser how it goes.

 

So you're going to go home and "pretend that it's all ok"...knowing how well that's worked for you up to this point.

 

OK...good luck with that. I wish you and your wife the best, and would be thrillled to see you come back and post here again in six months as a marital recovery success story.

[East7]

No, you're painting her in the same light all of us who have had affairs paint our partner in. Pefect in every way, a dream, a match made in heaven, blah blah blah.

 

Then go back to the US and profess your love for you "love" and see how fast she abandons her marraige for you.... Then you might get some clarity.

Don't think you're the only one who has been through this type of thing, cause you aren't.

 

:laugh: So true RickFox !

 

Stone, if you ever go back to US, you'll see how much she loves you, she will get scared and chicken out..

 

SHe is like 99% of MW, she only wanted some thrill and escape out of her boring marriage. You helped her to stay married by providing what she wasn't receiving from her H so she had the best of both worlds.

 

Did you ever asked yourself why she was contemplaining separation and while she was in the A she changed her mind and wanted so much to work on her marriage..gosh they are all the same!

[Danie]

To tell truth, I thought it would just be sex, but she didn't want to do that and wanted to get to know each other...so to my disbelief, I fell in love. I never expected it.

 

You played with fire, tried to control something that can’t be controlled…and got yourself burnt.

 

To be honest, if I were your wife I’d not want to remain married to you. If my husband had such strong feelings for another woman I’d not want to remain married to him. If I were in your wife’s shoes right now and I found out what was really in your heart I would feel like the biggest jerk in the world. I’d feel used and like I’ve been wasting my time…my precious time on this Earth in this one life that I have…on a big fat lie.

 

I love my husband with all my heart. If he ever decides that what we have isn’t enough for him he needs to tell me that asap so I can figure my life out. I’d let him go because I do love him so much. If he’s not happy with me then that’s the way it is.

 

Be honest. Man up and own your actions. If you love this other woman then no amount of ‘forcing’ your marriage will be enough for you to stay in the marriage…and your actions have a huge direct impact on your wife’s life…at the very least give her the opportunity to make her life based on fact. Please don’t jerk your wife around.

 

Good luck to you.

[East7]

The "standard rule of thumb" is that it takes approximately one week per month of affair before "the fog starts to lift" and you're able to start thinking/feeling more clearly again.

 

This is pulled from a couple of sources for marital recovery after infidelity that I dealt with during my own situation, and it's seemed relatively accurate from what I've seen here on LS.

 

Very probable, with the absolute condition of total NC.

 

My xMW had some "prolonging of the fog" due to breaking NC. I was still the "love of her life"(her words) even 1.5 years after the A ended ! Maybe some baiting altogether...

[Stoneman70]

Thanks for all your advice, even if it stings. I know you want me to do what's best. I think what I'm going to do is take some time to think through it all. For all I know, S hates me because I never told her I was leaving. I hope not. I love her, but as evrryone says I have to make up my mind and pick one...I am going to focus on my wife. I knew s and i couldn't truly be, but that didn't stop my feelings. What I need to do is man up as you say, be honest, and try to make my marriage work.

[frozensprouts]

Thanks for all your advice, even if it stings. I know you want me to do what's best. I think what I'm going to do is take some time to think through it all. For all I know, S hates me because I never told her I was leaving. I hope not. I love her, but as evrryone says I have to make up my mind and pick one...I am going to focus on my wife. I knew s and i couldn't truly be, but that didn't stop my feelings. What I need to do is man up as you say, be honest, and try to make my marriage work.[/quote

 

honesty is always the best idea...you'll be free of guilt and able to make a fresh start. Just make sure that you are also honest with yourself...

 

if you are honest with your wife, it will allow the two of you to rebuild things with a clean slate, no secrets, no hiding. You may just find that she is aware of the problems in your marriage, and the two of you can work together to resolve them.

 

you and your wife have your whole lives ahead of you. you have the chance to have an honest, loving relationship with her, to have children, raise your family together, grow old together, to be there for each other through good times and bad.

 

i know your heart is broken, and i'm sorry for that. it's okay to grieve the end of your relationship. but if I may offer one piece of advice, i'll share something my daughters psychologist recommended.

My daughter has a lot of issues with her health, and she also has a lot of anxiety and sadness...she holds on to pain and finds it very hard to let go. one thing her psychologist recommended was that is something hurts her, give herself some time for the "acute grief', but after that, it's best to start to let the pain go. It really bad to ruminate something over and over. It's better to allow yourself a certain period of time for sadness, and aside of that, she has to let go of the things she has no control over or that have to be the way they are.

Would this work for you at all? I hope so. Besides, if your ex other woman loves you, would she want you to be in a state of sadness or grief, or would she want you to move on in your life and be happy? wouldn't she want you to do what you feel is best for you and your life?

[Stoneman70]

S would want me to be happy...I know that. I'm going to try to make my marriage work work. You are right that I need to grieve and then let go. It's very hard though, especially when the relationship wasn't all that it could be. I do need to grieve and move on. love is hard....

[frozensprouts]

S would want me to be happy...I know that. I'm going to try to make my marriage work work. You are right that I need to grieve and then let go. It's very hard though, especially when the relationship wasn't all that it could be. I do need to grieve and move on. love is hard....

 

do you think that maybe part of why it's really hard to let go is because the affair relationship ended because of external factors ( you both are married, so the relationship had to end)?

 

Perhaps once the hurt had started to become less, you can actually turn the negative into a positive. Use it as a reason to kick start your marriage. Take a good look at the affair and try and figure out why it worked and you developed so much feeling. See if there is any way that you can use the lessons you learn to make your marriage better, the way you would like it to be. What were the things she did, that you did, that drew you and your other woman closer together? Is it possible to carry that over into your marriage?

Try to give yourself a chance to get to know your wife again. You have spent so much time apart that you may both be very different people that you were when you married. you have the adventure ahead of getting to know your wife all over again, and her getting to know you.

[Stoneman70]

I think that is why it is hard to let go. I need to try to incorporate that excitement into my marriage. Life throws us such curveballs, huh? I feel like I've learned a lot with this experience...I will always have a perfect memory of s and I, but will also try to male my marriage successful and loving as it should be.....also, how do i get private messages? I tried and it doesn't work....

Thanks everyone for all your advice and thoughts too.

[frozensprouts]

I think that is why it is hard to let go. I need to try to incorporate that excitement into my marriage. Life throws us such curveballs, huh? I feel like I've learned a lot with this experience...I will always have a perfect memory of s and I, but will also try to male my marriage successful and loving as it should be.....also, how do i get private messages? I tried and it doesn't work....

Thanks everyone for all your advice and thoughts too.

 

i think that to get Pm privileges, you have to a certain number of posts (?) or pay the small fee to become a supporting member- i think there is a thread in loveshack questions/comments that could give you the exact specifics

 

with regards to your marriage...it seems that the "old model" you had for your marriage didn't work, so now it's time to try and figure out what the "new model" will look like, then you can start working towards making your marriage what you want it to be...

 

it is possible for a marriage to recover after infidelity. Perhaps, when you feel that you are ready, you may wish to share your story in the "infidelity" or "marriage" section. you'll get some excellent advice on moving forward:)

[Stoneman70]

Thanks for your advice. We shall see what the future brings for my life!

[woinlove]

I think that is why it is hard to let go. I need to try to incorporate that excitement into my marriage. Life throws us such curveballs, huh? I feel like I've learned a lot with this experience...I will always have a perfect memory of s and I, but will also try to male my marriage successful and loving as it should be.....also, how do i get private messages? I tried and it doesn't work....

Thanks everyone for all your advice and thoughts too.

 

In my experience a lot of excitement in M results from real intimacy, really sharing your true authentic self with each other. That's the kind of M I have and the only kind I would want, but it does require honesty and openness with each other, as well as trust.

[Stoneman70]

Yes, I agree, I am hoping to rekindle this relationship. My situation with living away from ones wife for so long is unique...has been hard...but deserves a chance. I am going to try my best. I am scared though...but hopeful!

[Bellechica]

Stoneman, once you get some time to clear your head, you can look at the time with S more objectively. Try not to focus only the fantasy that felt perfect at the time.

You know that if you spent many years in a M with her that those crazy "in love" feelings change. You love your wife and can now focus fully on her and help each other fullfill your needs and hers. It may not be easy, but it's most definitely worth giving 100 percent of your love.