My advice on how to end it

[kechara]

Hi All-

I've seen a number of threads looking for info on how to break up with your MM and I figured I'd start a whole new thread with my advice on it. I broke up with my MM 5 weeks ago and haven't talked to him, seen him, emailed him since.

 

I tried to end things with my MM 4 times before I finally did it. It could be that I just wasn't ready. It could be that I didn't really know how to do it. Here's what I've learned since:

 

1. If you do want to break up, do not do so at his home or your home or whatever it is you've spent the most time together. Laying in bed, holding eachother, crying together about ending it does nothing but perpetuate the idea that you are "in this together." For this action, there is no together. There is no dealing with the after effects together. You truly are on your own.

 

2. I finally broke up with my MM in my car. So much better! You call him and ask if you can meet him somewhere because you have something you need to talk to him about. Go meet him, ask if you can go for a little drive, drive a little ways, or stay right there (don't drive and cry, please!). The nice thing about being in a car is there are minimal chances for physcial contact in the front seat, the door is right there, and it is YOUR domain.

 

3. Almost as soon as he gets in the car:

"I can't do this anymore"

Expect excuses and begging. Be prepared with rebuttal.

 

"I can't do this anymore because...."

Here you input all of the reasons the relationship makes you crazy, destroys your self-worth, makes you feel guilty, makes you angry.

 

Note, I said "relationship" not "him". Avoid blaming it on him because if you do, you will be so riddled with guilt afterwards that you will HAVE TO call him and apologize for the hurt you caused him. If you do slip and say "him", DO NOT CALL HIM AFTERWARDS AND APOLOGIZE. You are in as much if not more pain than he will ever be.

 

Expect more excuses and an escalation from begging to pleading.

 

As you pull back into wherever his car is, you end it.

"MM, I cannot have any further contact with you. If you call, I will not answer the phone. If you email, I will not write back. I need to end this here and now. I need to get my life back and start healing. I'll always love you (because you will). Goodbye."

 

He may try to argue. He may try to talk you out of it. Some possible responses:

"I'm sorry. We have nothing further to talk about," and then put your hands on the wheel, start the car and LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD.

If he persists, say it a few more times. He will get out of the car.

 

"I won't be doing this to myself anymore. Goodbye." Use the same tactic as above.

 

4. He WILL leave the car. Drive around the corner and cry. Please don't go anywhere til you are calm.

 

5. THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! When he calls (which he will) DO NOT EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE! [color=red]If you communicate with him in any way at all, you WILL get sucked back in.[/color] You will both be feeling miserable (feeling the withdrawl symptoms from the love drug) and will want to commiserate. Don't commiserate. Don't talk to him. Don't respond to his emails, don't write letters, do not log into messenger.

 

You may think that it's OK to respond to his email with, "I'm sorry, I can have no further contact with you. But I still miss you." If you do that, you have just opened the door. You'll have to go through a few more heartbreaks as you cycle up and back down again.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

 

6. Recovery. It hurts, no doubt about it. Many other people on this site have mentioned the stages of grief. Yep, you'll go through all of them and then back through them. Some days it will hurt so bad you can't breathe. Some days you'll realize, "Wow, I went 10 whole minutes without thinking about him!"

 

Realize that the pain does not exist at one constant unbearable level. The shape of pain changes over time, even over as little as a few minutes. If you pay attention to it and notice it when it's at its worst, you will realize when it starts to slacken. And when you realize it is not always a 10 on the pain scale, but sometimes dips down to an 8, you'll feel hope. If it made it all the way down to an 8, there will come a time when it makes it down to 7, and then 6, and then 5. Sure, it may shoot back up to a 10, but it won't last.

 

Find words to comfort yourself, and repeat them over and over again like a mantra.

My mantra: "He did the best he could (forgives him), and I did the best I could (forgives me), but the relationship was not a healthy one. I am committed to finding a healthy relationship."

If you repeat it enough you start to believe it.

 

Good luck to all of us. No one deserves this hell, even if we put ourselves in it.

[confusion]

Thanks for this. It does help. You are soo right. This relationship is probably the most stupid thing I ever have done. I knew better but I just couldn't help myself and fell in love with a MM. I fell deep and hard. Now that he was caught and things are ending it is probably the most hurt I have ever felt. I hate that every time the phone rings I hope its him. Just waiting for the little tidbit of 5 minutes of time that I get to talk to him. It just isn't fair to him or to me. I have finally realized that I need to move on. That I need and deserve someone who will be there for me. Not when it is a convenient time but whenever I need them.

 

So Kechara, thanks for the little pieces of advice. I am trying my best to move on. Because the pain is so hurtful and hard. But you are definitely right, there are times when you are so upset and hurt that you think you are going to be sick or that you can't breathe. And then there are other times when you realize that 10 minutes have gone by and you haven't thought about him. I am just hoping to stretch those 10 minutes into 15 and so on.

 

I admit that I miss him so very much. I am so lonely and miss the tender-hearted calls and talks we used to have. I miss him holding me and kissing me. I miss everything.

 

But I have to keep telling myself, that I need to move on. That I can not continue with this and "share" him with someone else. I won't be second place anymore. And I deserve to be first!!

 

So I am going to print out your tips and try to post them by my computer so I can read it all day long.

 

It really does help that I have found that I am not alone in my feelings about this. That I am not crazy or a "bad or evil" person.

 

Confusion

[sinner]

Great advice, kechara. Although not all married men beg.

[Mr Spock]

Yes. It's good advice. I made the mistake of returning contact-less than a week after HE ended it he contacted ME-and I responded. And then he responded. So I did. Now, I feel almost as bad as I did before....

 

Not sure WHY he's emailing me again. Friend says it's about control, and a boost to his ego to know if he snaps his fingers I'll come running.

 

So I told him I don't think we can be "friends" and that I didn't trust him, and he didn't deserve me as a lover or a friend-of course now I'm worrying about what he's thinking and I HATE that.

 

No contact is hard, but it's the easier hard.......

[socaughtup]

All Ican say is "Thank You" Great advice and I needed that

[leilab]

Good tips. I'm with all of you. I need to print them out and post them at my workspace.

[Mr Spock]

Well, I don't really want a new thread so I'll post this here

 

After 4 days of worrying what MM thought of my reply to an email I ran into him. It was the kind of thing where we both look at each other, look away, then look back. I said "f--- this, I'm going to talk to him-I'm not going to drive myself crazy waiting for a response"

 

The conversation that ensued was pretty much him stating that my last email was harsh (it was) me stating that I don't trust him. I asked him "Why are you emailing me?" he gave an answer along the lines of "I wanted to see what our roles would be" or something similar. I just said "Why bother? What's the point?" Then he said something else, then I said "Well take care" and walked away. I was hugely and instantly upset and had to go back to my car to get my sunglasses, which he saw me do but I don't care.

 

I have regained my sense of empowerment. A little. It also helped that what I said to him in my email he seemed to take to heart-that I didn't think we could be friends and I didn't trust him and I was really not impressed with him-he seemed REALLY uncomfortable and I am glad. It also helped to see that he really did not want anything further to do with me. Helped, but hurt.

 

I don't know if posting on this board helps me or not-it allows me to continue obsessing. I'm not sure if I'll continue. If you do read any further posts on my mess please remind me A.Do not, under any circumstances email. (I really wanted to after, but thought f--- that why bother?")

 

B.I am interesting, and people like me

 

C.No matter how nice and funny he is, he's really a bastard.

 

Thanks

[kiababy]

I for one hope you keep posting Spock, it's o.k. to have all of the feelings you're having. You're human and even though the relationship was not ideal, you still had feelings for him. Of course you're hurting and you have every right to do all the ranting and raving you want to.

 

Hugs

[MidNiteAgl]

Spock,

People do like you. You are a great person and you deserve so much better than him. I wish you all the luck. I hope you continue posting. I really enjoy reading your post.

[EnigmaXOXO]

No matter how nice and funny he is, he's really a bastard.

 

What he has is some serious head problems, Spock. Like minds, seek like minds, and I suppose he assumed you were a vulnerable candidate who would happily become his co-dependant. Someone who could feed his OWN sexual addictions. Tell the stingy pervert to reach into his pockets and hire a hooker. YOUR commodities are too valuable to give away for free. Even a prostitute is savvy enough to realize that.

 

I'm happy to hear you are still trying to make a permanent break. I hope (for your sake) you do not slip backwards again. I don't think I could bare to watch you go through this over and over. It can be as draining on us as it is on you. I’m sure your girlfriends will agree. That's what happens when people honestly care.

 

You know…I'm a firm believer that we "get" exactly what we ask for. Nothing more, nothing less. If all you're seeking from a partner is "sex with a funny, married guy"…then that's exactly ALL you'll get. However, if you have decided that it isn't enough for you anymore and you want more from your relationships in the future, then you'll have to raise your bar. BECOME the kind of person you want to attract, and the creeps and losers will soon fall by the wayside.

 

Remember: Be careful of what you "ask" for…cause you just might get it!

[Mr Spock]

I know better now.

 

If he contacts me again I am exposing the affair to his wife. I don't think he will though. I pretty much left it on not good terms. It's to protect myself at this point. I cannot put myself through this kind of turmoil all the time.

[Mr Spock]

I have also realized that I may just have to play the victim to get over this....so be it. I will do what it takes.

[Fancy]

Kechara, BRAVO!!!!!! That was an excellent post!

[littleflowerpot]

kechara, this really was an excellent post.

[kjblondie]

Hello there: I read the tips on how to end an affair with a MM. I know you are right. I have been involved with a MM for 15 months now and have tried to end it numerous times. He always wins and I give in. He says he is leaving of course but there are no actions to prove it. He just got back off of vacation with his wife and I just had to ask him if he made love to his wife all week at the beach and his response was, "I am not going to answer that" and at the same time ----- I am so in love with you!!!!! What is wrong with me that I cannot get away from this man? HELP HELP HELP

KJ

[kiababy]

What is wrong with me that I cannot get away from this man? HELP HELP HELP

 

I'm with you on that one. So many issues behind it...so little time.....

 

Do me a favour please? Look up the link on "Love Addiction' (a thread I started a few days ago, it's in the first post), it's an eye-opener and helped a few of us to understand a little of the reasons behind why we can't get away from our MM. I'm an OW too by the way

[kjblondie]

Thanks for the reply. How do I find the link on "Love Addiction"? As for you, are you still with your MM. Are you as miserable as me?

[kiababy]

http://mysticcat.angelcities.com/reladdict.html

 

It's not the definitive answer to why, but I was shaken up by how many of the symptoms I have - sadly all of them. Yes, I'm still with him and I KNOW I need to end it but I'm totally addicted to him, and us. What's been going on that's making you so miserable honey?