@women, does his sexual history bug you?

[mortensorchid]

Quite honestly, as I have now reached age 37, I have learned a few things about people and their pasts. It would be foolish if not downright neive of you to assume that others (be they strangers, close friends, coworkers, etc.) have not had a past. You never know who is telling the truth or who is lying or something else. The best thing to do is not to share it. It doesn't matter if you have slept with four people or forty, that past is the past. Get yourself tested for STDs and whatnot as much as possible so you know.

[kaylan]

To me, safe sex is protecting yourself from pregnancy and STDs. Both are potential consequences of sex that I would rather avoid. I am equally concerned about both.

Stds and pregnancy are too different bowls of cereal in my view. Stds are diseases and are unsafe. Like a previous poster said, pregnancy is not inherently unsafe, and is more of an inconvenience to some. I dont consider the two comparable, so If a clean committed couple has sex without a condom, yet uses birth control, I see that as safe sex. Thered be no reason for me to shame a guy or girl for having a relationship like that in the past, as many have done it, and that type of relationship is very responsible.

 

No, she is taking measures not to get pregnant. He is not doing a damn thing. If the woman is on the pill, and the man is not using a condom, only one of them is practicing safe sex. The other one is just having sex, thinking he doesn't have to worry about anything because the woman has got it covered.

It takes two to tango and it takes two to make decisions about stds and birth control. Stop acting like the man would never talk to his woman about this crap. Many couple make a decision together about which form of birth control to use. But nice try in attempting to paint men as lazy idiots who dont practice safer sex or contribute to birth control decisions.

 

You really have no idea about men do you? There are plenty of guys who want to use condoms because they dont trust the pill, nor do they trust a womans word all the time. And there are plenty of guys who even if they trust their girl, and trust the pill as well, still worry a bit about getting her pregnant and wont finish in her.

 

But again, nice try in attempting to paint men as ignorant buffoons who only care about getting laid.

 

If you agree to condom-less sex, that reflects your views. Even if the woman doesn't want to use a condom, that doesn't mean you have to go along with it. As a man, you could insist on condoms. She's not holding a gun to your head, forcing you to have sex without a condom.

Reflect what views? What the fudge are you talking about? Theres nothing wrong with condom-less sex in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP between two CLEAN adults when another form of BIRTH CONTROL IS USED. Whats so unsafe about that? Whats so irresponsible about that? Quit trying to shame people. Christ, I didnt know there were uptight women out there who flipped out about this. Most adults tend to know that in a monogamous relationship, that many people will get rid of the condoms after a certain point.

 

What If a guy was married and is now divorced? You gonna shame him for having condom-less sex with his wife? What about my best friend? His ex girlfriend had a child already, but didnt want to deal with the hormones of a pill, so she got an intrauterine device (IUD) placed inside her. Are you going to shame them too? I didnt know that not using a breakable rubber penis balloon dictated whether someone had distasteful views on sex, even if they used other equally protective methods.

 

Yes, but how many people actually bother to get screened for STDs before having sex with a new partner? Very few. Most people just assume they're clean. And they just assume that their partner is monogamous.

Again, you keep making assumptions. Point being is that my first post was correct. In a monogamous relationship between clean adults, condom-less sex is just fine when other methods of birth control as used.

 

Everyone does not cheat, nor does everyone go around not knowing their STD status. Stop making assumptions. A bunch of people do get tested ya know...not just a few. I know I get tested in between partners, and Ive never cheated in my life. So its not farfetched for me to feel I can find the same in a woman and then us have condom-less sex without a problem (provided we use another method of BC)

 

Until the woman forgets to take her pill one day and ends up pregnant. Or if the woman happens to be in that unlucky 1% and gets pregnant despite taking her pill consistently. And when that happens, the man is always quick to blame the woman, as if it's all her fault and he played no part in getting her pregnant. But what was he doing to protect himself? Nothing.

And condoms can break, correct? Whats your freaking point? Whos to blame then if a condom breaks? I could follow your silly example and paint a picture of a woman blaming the guy for pumping too hard...but Im not that silly.

 

If either form of BC fails, both people are to blame. They both wanted to have sex. Stop making STUPID assumptions about all men. Plenty of men are supportive of a chick if she ends up pregnant

 

Ha, you only think they're committed. I read your whole post, I always do. Men who refuse to use condoms are selfish, plain and simple. They think protection should be the woman's responsibility, and if that protection fails, she'll be stuck with the consequences.

Think theyre committed? Stop with this bullsh!!t. Not everyone cheats, so stop being so negative just because it suits your small point of view regarding sex. God forbid anyone ever say a relationship is committed without someone like you alluding to infidelity. Ever think some people are good at picking partners?

 

And who said guys who dont use condoms in a relationship are refusing to do so? In a lot of relationships, both partners decided together that they would rather use a different method. Whats selfish about making a decision together as a couple. There you go again making stupid assumptions about men. You clearly have issues and bitterness towards guys. You bias is so obvious.

 

Most guys do not think birth control is simply a womans issue. How many guys have you talked to about this? Ive talked to a hell of a lot, and like I said before, MANY guys will use condoms regardless of what a woman says because he knows there are consequences for his actions. Maybe you should talk to some more men, because I hear plenty of dudes saying they wrap it up because they dont want to be caught up for 20 years paying child support to some chick they never wanted to marry. Sounds like they know there are consequences and it sounds like dudes want a one roof family.

A major inconvenience? Maybe to you. To me, an unplanned pregnancy is my worst nightmare. I'm the one who would either have to get an abortion or give birth, and both of those options are more than "a major inconvenience." Getting a flat tire is a major inconvenience. Getting pregnant is a crisis that has the potential to ruin my life. Preventing pregnancy is of the utmost importance to me, and it better be equally important to the guy I'm dating.

Worst nightmare? How is that any different from a major inconvenience. Use a dictionary and look up the words and realize their definitions accurately portray the type of situation you feel an unplanned pregnancy would be.

 

A flat tire is hardly major. Its something easily fixable. Would you have rather she said pregnancy is a major life change? Why be so picky about word choice there when the definitions fit the scenario.

 

Again, a guy or girl who was in a relationship where birth control pills or an IUD, or condoms were used, are all equally concerned about preventing pregnancy. You are very ignorant if you think that by using condoms in lieu of other methods, that a guy was being more safe or responsible. Think about that...a little rubber balloon can fail just like anything else and its no more safe or protecting than the other methods.

 

Why shame people for not using a little rubber balloon if another method is being used? Would you shame a guy whos had condom-less sex for years but had a vasectomy already? I know a guy whos done just that because he decided at a young age that he didnt want kids.

Edited May 15, 2012 by kaylan

[Els]

To me, this sort of discussion is just something that you naturally have when you reach a certain level of emotional closeness and intimacy. And that level comes before any sexual acts. So yes, I've known the sexual history of partners before performing sexually-related deeds with them, always.

 

I certainly prefer a man with less sexual partners, because I am more compatible with one who views sex as something that occurs in a committed LTR. So if a guy has had, say, 10 sexual partners at the age of 26, either he is sleeping around for fun, or his definition of a 'committed relationship' is slightly different from mine. Either way, not my type.

[kaylan]

10 at age 26 is not a lot at all. Consider the fact that most of those could easily be from LTR from age 16 when many guys lose their virginity.

[Els]

Legal age where I come from is 18. To have 10 sexual partners by the age of 26, the guy would have either had to do 10 back-to-back 10-month relationships, or shorter ones with breaks in between. The former points to him being a serial monogamist, the latter points to him being unable to keep anything longer.

 

You need to understand that I'm from a far more conservative culture. 10 partners at 26 is something that happens very, very rarely. By excluding such men, I'm probably only excluding 10% of the male population.

[kaylan]

So lets say he dates a girl for a year or two in those 10 years, and then in between those relationships, he has one hook up with a friend, or someone new he met. You really gonna give him the stink eye? You could easily make 10 in 10 years of having sex (or less years). Id say people need to compare the number of partners to the years a person has been sexually active, while also looking at the manner in which these sex partners came about.

 

10 at 26 years of age doesnt tell me enough about what a person feels about sex or relationships. Not in the least. Ten partners at 16 or 18 may be a little different. 26 is far off though.

 

And just because his relationships dont last longer than a year, does not mean its because he cant make them last. Why not find out why they ended? You cant jump to conclusions off of an average number like 10. Ten is average for someone in their mid 20s...even low for some people.

[Els]

So lets say he dates a girl for a year or two in those 10 years, and then in between those relationships, he has one hook up with a friend, or someone new he met. You really gonna give him the stink eye? You could easily make 10 in 10 years of having sex (or less years). Id say people need to compare the number of partners to the years a person has been sexually active, while also looking at the manner in which these sex partners came about.

 

10 at 26 years of age doesnt tell me enough about what a person feels about sex or relationships. Not in the least. Ten partners at 16 or 18 may be a little different. 26 is far off though.

 

1) It's 8 years, not 10. I said the legal age was 18.

 

2) Sex from a hook up with friend/someone new he met = not compatible with me. Not saying there's anything wrong with it.

 

3) It doesn't tell you a lot, but it tells me a lot, based on the culture I come from.

[kaylan]

I understand what you are saying about conservative culture, but I have known conservative men...and they dont really let their business be known to the women really. They will open up to other males, and there does seem to be a bunch of them who let loose just as us non-conservative folks do. Hell, I might even say that conservative cultures does make it so certain types of men will have pent up desires that burst loose into wild binges from time to time.

 

1) Legal age does not mean thats when kids start having sex. Lets be serious here.

 

2) Meh, if you think hes not compatible, suit yourself. But realize people may have had hookups once or twice in their life but be totally into committed relationships and be great partners.

 

3) Again, youd be surprised at the things guys from conservative cultures have told me. They dont share that with their women though. Just saying...at the end of the day, men have large sex drives, no matter their culture. Its not like we all havent heard stories of super conservative cultures where the men cheat all willy nilly just like men in the West do. If anything, in many cases,most of the people adhering to conservatism are the women.

 

You can blame cultural double standards for that.

Edited May 15, 2012 by kaylan

[Els]

Not the sort of man I am compatible with. Some of them certainly are the way you describe.

 

I don't think you should paint all men from such cultures with the same brush. They are as varied as American men - and I'm sure you have met other American men whom you don't identify with in the slightest.

 

You may have heard stories, and I'm sure many of them are true, but to use them to describe all Asian men is equivalent to describing all American men as obese wankers who live in their moms' basements, play WoW, and stuff themselves with McDs all day. I actually do have platonic male friends who talked to me about having cheated. Even the cheaters rarely rake up 10 by the age of 26 though.

Edited May 15, 2012 by Elswyth

[somedude81]

10 at age 26 is not a lot at all. Consider the fact that most of those could easily be from LTR from age 16 when many guys lose their virginity.

I really don't think that many guys lose their virginity at 16 or get a GF.

 

I certainly didn't, and my 17 year old brother spends all his time playing Call of Duty online and doing stupid crap with his buddies.

[kaylan]

I really don't think that many guys lose their virginity at 16 or get a GF.

 

I certainly didn't, and my 17 year old brother spends all his time playing Call of Duty online and doing stupid crap with his buddies.

Look up the national average for year of age when losing ones virginity. Its 17 nationally and its between 16 and 18 depending on state.

 

Not the sort of man I am compatible with. Some of them certainly are the way you describe.

 

I don't think you should paint all men from such cultures with the same brush. They are as varied as American men - and I'm sure you have met other American men whom you don't identify with in the slightest.

 

You may have heard stories, and I'm sure many of them are true, but to use them to describe all Asian men is equivalent to describing all American men as obese wankers who live in their moms' basements, play WoW, and stuff themselves with McDs all day. I actually do have platonic male friends who talked to me about having cheated. Even the cheaters rarely rake up 10 by the age of 26 though.

Oh no no, Im not saying all conservative men go buck wild. Not at all. I am saying there are definitely some who do burst into binges of partying every now and then. But I know a great deal of them are super conservative and adhere to the principles of their culture. I acknowledge how varied they are.

 

I was simply making the point that people are varied and complex. A number doesnt accurately point out how someone feels about sex and relationships. We should also look at age, the reasons and how someone got into their sexual encounters, and we should just maybe get to know them as a person. Thats all Im saying.

[Els]

I agree that a number cannot possibly be accurate, of course. It is just that: a number. Regardless, I think it's a decent indicator. BMI isn't accurate, but when you have a BMI of 40, you can talk about its inaccuracy all you like and about how much muscle mass you have, and you may actually be less obese than your friend who has a BMI of 35, but it doesn't change the fact that it's still a ballpark indicator that you're obese.

 

It just is not possible that I would be compatible with such a guy, regardless of any hypothetical and complex reasons I can think of for his number. Because it's just so far off. I'm not saying they're horrible people or bad for relationships. They're just not compatible with me. People are allowed to use arbitrary indicators for compatibility. You mentioned knowing that a girl isn't compatible with you if she's only worked a minimum wage job all her life. How is this any different?

[JesseJames]

HPV cannot be tested for in men--no man can test clean.

 

I wouldn't expect an accurate response from anyone.

 

There's the psychological as well. If it's going to make a girl feel better about getting stuffed, asking a myriad of questions about all things sex might be the way to be.

 

If you're sexless, choose your target wisely. Use the force, maybe snoop around a rural area, perhaps pray to the aliens.

[Cypress25]

Kaylan, do try to control your temper. No one is being argumentative with you.

 

Stds are diseases and are unsafe. Like a previous poster said, pregnancy is not inherently unsafe, and is more of an inconvenience to some.

 

That's because you're a man and you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Someone else's pregnancy might be an inconvenience to you. If you were the one growing a pregnant belly, it would be much more than an inconvenience.

 

You really have no idea about men do you? There are plenty of guys who want to use condoms because they dont trust the pill, nor do they trust a womans word all the time. And there are plenty of guys who even if they trust their girl, and trust the pill as well, still worry a bit about getting her pregnant and wont finish in her.

 

But again, nice try in attempting to paint men as ignorant buffoons who only care about getting laid.

 

As I said in my previous post, I'm only talking about men who don't use condoms. I know there are plenty of guys who use condoms, because every guy I've dated used a condom every time we had sex. And I didn't have to convince them to do it. I'm not generalizing about all men. I'm generalizing about men who don't use condoms. More specifically, about men who NEVER use condoms. If married men want to go without condoms, fine. I still think it's taking a risk with pregnancy and I think it's unfair to put the entire burden of protection on the woman, but there's less chance of a married woman being abandoned in the event of an unplanned pregnancy.

 

So its not farfetched for me to feel I can find the same in a woman and then us have condom-less sex without a problem (provided we use another method of BC)

 

What if she can't use the BC pill or IUD because of side effects? Will you take one for the team and put a condom on? Some women can't tolerate other forms of birth control; for them, condoms are the only option.

 

And condoms can break, correct? Whats your freaking point? Whos to blame then if a condom breaks?

 

That's why I always advocate using two methods of protection. In my case, I'm on the pill and I use a condom every time. It's extremely unlikely that the pill AND the condom would fail at the same time. Relying on just one method of birth control is risky. If that method fails, you're screwed.

 

I could follow your silly example and paint a picture of a woman blaming the guy for pumping too hard...but Im not that silly.

 

It's the same as a man blaming the woman when her birth control fails. Totally unfair and stupid, but a lot of men do it. Not all men, of course, but it happens a lot.

 

If either form of BC fails, both people are to blame. They both wanted to have sex.

 

Exactly, but a lot of people don't see it that way. When there is an unplanned pregnancy, it's always the woman who gets blamed. By men, by women, by society in general. People always look at the woman and say "Tsk tsk tsk, she should have been more careful." Meanwhile, the man gets a free pass, as if he had nothing to do with it. And in the end, it's the woman who has to choose between abortion and childbirth. Both options suck, but she has to do something.

 

Think theyre committed? Stop with this bullsh!!t. Not everyone cheats

 

Calm down. I know not everyone cheats. In fact, most people don't cheat. I just think people cheat on you, lol.

 

There you go again making stupid assumptions about men. You clearly have issues and bitterness towards guys. You bias is so obvious.

 

No, I love guys. I just hate guys who refuse to use condoms. I never said anything about the other guys. But I've noticed something about you, kaylan. Whenever anyone says something negative about certain men, you hit the ceiling and accuse that person of hating all men. Like if a woman says it annoys her the way some guys leave the toilet seat up, you'll tell her (in all caps, because it makes you more credible) that she's making stupid assumptions about men and she's clearly bitter towards all men. When in reality, she simply made an observation that some men do, indeed, leave the toilet seat up.

 

And if I say that you, kaylan, are annoying me, it doesn't mean I think all men are annoying. Do you understand?

 

Most guys do not think birth control is simply a womans issue. How many guys have you talked to about this? Ive talked to a hell of a lot, and like I said before, MANY guys will use condoms regardless of what a woman says because he knows there are consequences for his actions. Maybe you should talk to some more men, because I hear plenty of dudes saying they wrap it up because they dont want to be caught up for 20 years paying child support to some chick they never wanted to marry.

 

I never said those guys don't exist. In fact, those are the only guys I've ever dated. Most of my guy friends have the same attitude. Those guys are great, I have no problem with them. You're the one who thought I was attacking all men. I never was. I was attacking men who refuse to use condoms. Those are the men who think birth control is the woman's issue. Try to stay on topic.

 

Worst nightmare? How is that any different from a major inconvenience.

 

I think there's a difference. Like the difference between getting my period and getting raped. My period is an inconvenience. Rape is my worst nightmare.

 

You are very ignorant if you think that by using condoms in lieu of other methods, that a guy was being more safe or responsible.

 

No, not in lieu of. In addition to. When the woman uses her method (the pill) and a man uses his method (condom) at the same time, that's as safe as you can be. And it's beautiful, because it involves both people taking responsibility, instead of one person relying on the other to be responsible. Shared responsibility, isn't it great?

 

Would you shame a guy whos had condom-less sex for years but had a vasectomy already?

 

I will personally high-five any man who is willing to do that. I love it when men take responsibility for stuff. I would hope that guy is super careful about STDs though. I don't care what method of protection guys use, as long as it's an effective one. And expecting the woman to be on the pill doesn't count, guys. I think every sexually active person needs to do something to protect themselves, regardless of what their partner is doing. That way, every couple is doubled up on protection and there are no accidents. I dislike this notion of "well, the woman is taking precautions, so the man doesn't have to." Nope, that's BS. If you're having sex, you better be doing your part to keep it safe from pregnancy and STDs. Especially when the male birth control pill finally comes out, then guys will have no excuse. I just know they're gonna complain about the side effects, all the while expecting women to tolerate those same side effects, lol.

 

Legal age where I come from is 18.

 

To have sex with someone over 18. It's perfectly legal for two 15-year-olds to have sex. I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not illegal.

[kaylan]

Im not wasting my posts on you.

 

The point is that people can be safe about sex without the use of condom provided they are honest, clean, and committed to the person they have sex with. End of discussion.

[Els]

To have sex with someone over 18. It's perfectly legal for two 15-year-olds to have sex. I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not illegal.

 

It actually is illegal, but they can't prosecute minors, so nothing tends to happen to them. I, personally, would hope that not very many people below that age are having sex. Most 15-year-olds are not anywhere near responsible or mature enough to think about things like adequate birth control, STD protection, or facing the consequences of one's actions.

[ThaWholigan]

It actually is illegal, but they can't prosecute minors, so nothing tends to happen to them. I, personally, would hope that not very many people below that age are having sex. Most 15-year-olds are not anywhere near responsible or mature enough to think about things like adequate birth control, STD protection, or facing the consequences of one's actions.

Meh, all my brothers lost their virginity at 13.

[Els]

Meh, all my brothers lost their virginity at 13.

 

Well, clearly they were lucky enough not to get anyone pregnant or catch STDs, so good on them, I guess.

[kaylan]

It actually is illegal, but they can't prosecute minors, so nothing tends to happen to them. I, personally, would hope that not very many people below that age are having sex. Most 15-year-olds are not anywhere near responsible or mature enough to think about things like adequate birth control, STD protection, or facing the consequences of one's actions.

If they cant prosecute its hardly illegal then really.

 

The thing is, if you look up national averages for various countries when it comes to first time sex, that for many places in the world kids lose their virginity in their early to lates teens depending on the place. Mids teens tends to be a common average.

 

You are right most kids are not responsible when it comes to protection and what not...but such is life. I know I was stupid with sex my first couple of years. Hormones make us sexually mature as teenagers, but the mind doesnt fully mature until about mid 20s. Gotta blame biology for that one lolz.

[Cypress25]

The point is that people can be safe about sex without the use of condom provided they are honest, clean, and committed to the person they have sex with. End of discussion.

 

LOL of course, I should just accept the fact that you're right. Tell that to all the women who have gotten pregnant on the pill. They thought they were having safe sex, but obviously the pill was not enough to provide the protection that they needed. If they had been using a condom as backup, they wouldn't have gotten pregnant when their BC failed.

 

Oh, but I forgot. You don't consider pregnancy to be a real risk. It's just an inconvenience. Because something is only a risk if it could happen to you, right?

[Els]

If they cant prosecute its hardly illegal then really.

 

The thing is, if you look up national averages for various countries when it comes to first time sex, that for many places in the world kids lose their virginity in their early to lates teens depending on the place. Mids teens tends to be a common average.

 

You are right most kids are not responsible when it comes to protection and what not...but such is life. I know I was stupid with sex my first couple of years. Hormones make us sexually mature as teenagers, but the mind doesnt fully mature until about mid 20s. Gotta blame biology for that one lolz.

 

Would you care to link me an international study with Southeast Asian countries in it? Can't seem to find any, and wikipedia is exceedingly vague.

 

Commenting only on the people whom I know personally, the average for first sexual act appears to be between 20-25.

[kaylan]

wrong thread post

[kaylan]

LOL of course, I should just accept the fact that you're right. Tell that to all the women who have gotten pregnant on the pill. They thought they were having safe sex, but obviously the pill was not enough to provide the protection that they needed. If they had been using a condom as backup, they wouldn't have gotten pregnant when their BC failed.

 

Oh, but I forgot. You don't consider pregnancy to be a real risk. It's just an inconvenience. Because something is only a risk if it could happen to you, right?

My entire point is you cant shame people for having had condom-less sex in the past. And all your previous posts ever did was shame them and assert that those men didnt care about, nor were having safe sex. Which is patently false and presumptuous.

 

Also, I dont see pregnancy in the same vein as STDs so while it is a risk, I wont view it under the same negative light.

[Cypress25]

My entire point is you cant shame people for having had condom-less sex in the past. And all your previous posts ever did was shame them and assert that those men didnt care about, nor were having safe sex. Which is patently false and presumptuous.

 

You didn't even read my last post. I know because you responded less than 2 minutes after I wrote it.

 

Also, I dont see pregnancy in the same vein as STDs so while it is a risk, I wont view it under the same negative light.

 

The woman you're having sex with might. Do you care how she feels? If she only felt safe with a condom, you'd wear it, right?

[kaylan]

You didn't even read my last post. I know because you responded less than 2 minutes after I wrote it.

It doesnt take me long to read a post and respond to it.

The woman you're having sex with might. Do you care how she feels? If she only felt safe with a condom, you'd wear it, right?

Youre assuming I wouldnt want to wear a condom myself. The last couple of women I have been with suggested not wearing condoms after I brought it up.

 

Does that answer your question?