Am I pushing him away?

[PickMeARose]

So, before I go into this I'll give some background on my relationship.

 

I've been dating this pretty amazing guy for a year. He's 8 years older than me and has a 12 year old son. I don't have any children, but do want some in the future. We both work at the same place, and its where we met. He lives at home with his mother, but we are currently getting ready to move out at the beginning of next month.

 

Now..I'm extremely insecure. I feel like he's always going to go out and find something more. Just yesterday, his son started showing me where his dad (my boyfriend) has all of his old pictures of his ex-girlfriends. I got extremely bothered by it. It wasn't that they were stunning, or skinnier..I guess I just feel like he shouldn't have them anymore..because when me and my ex-boyfriend broke up..I got rid of all the pictures of us.

 

Another problem is..I don't like him looking at porn. I specifically told him that it was a subject that really bothered me, and he claimed he never looked at it. But one night at 330 in the morning I woke up, to nobody next me. I quietly walked up stairs..and guess what? He was watching porn. He don't know how to delete the history so I asked him,.."were you looking at porn"..and of course his answer was "no." I went and looked at the history,..which this isn't a surprise but he was doing what I thought.

 

Now, not only did I get pissed because I caught him..but he kept lying about it even after I caught him.

 

I guess I just need advice on how to quit being so insecure, and pushy.

and advice is greatly appreciated.

[MediumRare]

Some people keep pictures and that is not unusual. Realize that one of those ex-girlfriends is the mother of his child so I'd also say that is not unusual.

 

It sounds like he keeps it hidden and doesn't flaunt or go over them in front of you. Is this such a bad thing if he wants to keep them? What do you think you can do to make this easier on you if he wants to keep them? Maybe both of you sit down and go over them together? Maybe this will make you feel better about them once you know the story of each picture?

 

On porn- this is a very personal question where there is no right or wrong answer. If it bothers you this much that he watches porn despite his obvious enjoyment of it, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, then you need to make it very clear this is how it should be and that you don't take kindly to him trying to do it behind your back. If his desire to watch porn is a deal breaker for him, be prepared for this to be potential hot point in the relationship.

 

In general though, I don't think you are being unreasonable. My SO required me to delete and throw away all pictures of my ex's, which I begrudgingly did. I didn't want to really but I did as it meant a lot to her.

 

She also did not want me chatting with ANY females online (including even simply grouping with a female player in online games! lol), as well as gets very jealous when I go to lunches with the teams I manage which have a few females. She also does not like me watching porn, but watches some it herself (usually just looks at girls on webcam to talk about their hair, makeup and stuff lol). I have decided not to watch porn since I know most women do not like it (makes them feel like they are being compared) as well as it can have a negative impact on a man's sex life (Coolidge effect).

 

I say talk with him. Also talk with yourself. Try to find out what things are deal breakers and what things you may be willing to compromise. At the same time, I'm sure you bf has some things he'd like to see in the relationship as well, so maybe it's time to open the channels of communication and have a nice, long chat about your needs and his needs.

 

Good luck to both of you!

[PickMeARose]

Thank you! Although I don't like the pictures, I would never ask him to throw them away because it was his longest relationship, and he said it wasn't a bad breakup. And alot of the pictures are with him, her, and his son..but she isn't the mother of his son. I guess its just no fun to see his arms and lips on another female.

 

Its a rough topic to talk about though, because I do ask him questions or try to talk about things he's done with her (non-sexual of course), he fibs about it.

For example..His favorite football team is the Cleveland Browns, and He always makes comments about how him and his son went to games..when in reality,..it was him and his ex. (His son informed me that he has never been to a game)

 

It ain't a big lie, ..but a lie is a lie, and I feel he shouldn't have to hide something so little.

 

There is such a big connection between us and I definitely don't wanna have something this simple and almost silly get in the way.

[MediumRare]

I'm sorry you're going through this PickMeARose.

 

Thanks for your clarifications and I think I can more clearly what the real problem is and it's more a trust issue than a problem with pictures or pornography.

 

He's trying to protect you from being hurt, but by doing so he's destroying trust with you by lying about it. This can have a much bigger emotional impact than the pictures or porn itself!

 

Again, the solution is going to be a sit-down discussion to talk about this and what his lies are doing to you. You need to tell him to stop protecting, stop treating you like a child and start being open and honest with you.

 

Without knowing your husband is on the level, you'll likely always feel on edge or vulnerable. This can also make you worry about what level his lies may reach (affair? etc.). You need to snip this in the bud before it becomes a pattern in your relationship.

 

Also, are you ready for truth? Can you work on receiving information in such a way that he may be more willing to share it with you? Are you going to be able to detach from your feelings if he does start telling you the truth? Important questions to think about.

 

Take care and good luck to you!