getting rough when they should be getting better

[dlfzn1]

i don't need to tell the entire story here. it's the same as anyone else's, except that (a) we've survived the fog lifting and the honeymoon period ending, (b) we've managed not to sleep together, and © she's working with an understanding therapist and is about to go to counseling with him, with the goal being amicable separation. so a "happy ending" is in sight. but it's going to be hard for everyone, whatever happens. and i just want something to happen.

 

meanwhile it's still an emotional spiral of feeling glad to be together and supportive of each other and then being sad and scared and i am a patient person and i love this girl but just as it is getting to be more hopeful of a situation i'm finding myself wearing out. too much agonizing over things, too much worry. it's hard. and it's just going to get harder, isn't it?

 

i'm finding myself starting to become self-protective, just out of emotional exhaustion. but i still want to be with her, and i still love her, i just need this dark period to end. how do i get through it and still offer her the support she needs to change significant aspects of her life?

Edited May 14, 2012 by dlfzn1

[SidLyon]

I guess the obvious question is does "he" (presumably her BH) know that the goal is amicable separation or does he think it's something else?

 

If he knows and is going to therapy with the same goal (amicable separation) then things look good for you. Even better if he knows of your existence and that you and she are intending to be together.

 

If he doesn't know then you are probably in for a very rough time, as you seem to be predicting.

[cocorico]

i don't need to tell the entire story here. it's the same as anyone else's, except that (a) we've survived the fog lifting and the honeymoon period ending, (b) we've managed not to sleep together, and © she's working with an understanding therapist and is about to go to counseling with him, with the goal being amicable separation. so a "happy ending" is in sight. but it's going to be hard for everyone, whatever happens. and i just want something to happen.

 

meanwhile it's still an emotional spiral of feeling glad to be together and supportive of each other and then being sad and scared and i am a patient person and i love this girl but just as it is getting to be more hopeful of a situation i'm finding myself wearing out. too much agonizing over things, too much worry. it's hard. and it's just going to get harder, isn't it?

 

i'm finding myself starting to become self-protective, just out of emotional exhaustion. but i still want to be with her, and i still love her, i just need this dark period to end. how do i get through it and still offer her the support she needs to change significant aspects of her life?

 

If I understand you correctly she is separating from her H and you are wanting to be there for her but feeling burnt out. I think most of us who have gone through that will agree that it can be a stressful time because not only are you dealing with issues around the transition of your own R but with issues relating to the transition of her R with her S2BXH. You need to make sure that you are also getting enough support, from friends and others but also from her. If the support is all going one way during this time it can set in place unhealthy patterns and later resentments. If you feel overwhelmed you need to tell her and make some space for yourself. Your R will not survive unless you both survive healthy and strong because even if she hopes for an amicable separation you can't be sure how he will respond.

 

You will be better able to support her through this if you are taking good care of yourself. Good luck, I hope it all goes smoothly.

[PeineDeCoeur]

i don't need to tell the entire story here. it's the same as anyone else's, except that (a) we've survived the fog lifting and the honeymoon period ending, (b) we've managed not to sleep together, and © she's working with an understanding therapist and is about to go to counseling with him, with the goal being amicable separation. so a "happy ending" is in sight. but it's going to be hard for everyone, whatever happens. and i just want something to happen.

 

meanwhile it's still an emotional spiral of feeling glad to be together and supportive of each other and then being sad and scared and i am a patient person and i love this girl but just as it is getting to be more hopeful of a situation i'm finding myself wearing out. too much agonizing over things, too much worry. it's hard. and it's just going to get harder, isn't it?

 

i'm finding myself starting to become self-protective, just out of emotional exhaustion. but i still want to be with her, and i still love her, i just need this dark period to end. how do i get through it and still offer her the support she needs to change significant aspects of her life?

 

Not that I have any experience in this area, but it might be a good idea to back off a bit on your relationship while she pursues the separation counselling. It's bound to be emotionally very hard on her, and, by extension, you.

 

I've seen others here recommend limited contact (or no contact) in these cases. Limited contact could be the way to go, allowing her to focus on all the issues separation will bring up, allowing you some time back in your own life, away from the rollercoaster.

 

It's a tough spot to be in, because you're the one "waiting"... but putting some of your emotional focus back on YOUR life, re-charging your batteries, is positive, too. If she's set on her path with you, it won't be long.

[MissBee]

i don't need to tell the entire story here. it's the same as anyone else's, except that (a) we've survived the fog lifting and the honeymoon period ending, (b) we've managed not to sleep together, and © she's working with an understanding therapist and is about to go to counseling with him, with the goal being amicable separation. so a "happy ending" is in sight. but it's going to be hard for everyone, whatever happens. and i just want something to happen.

 

meanwhile it's still an emotional spiral of feeling glad to be together and supportive of each other and then being sad and scared and i am a patient person and i love this girl but just as it is getting to be more hopeful of a situation i'm finding myself wearing out. too much agonizing over things, too much worry. it's hard. and it's just going to get harder, isn't it?

 

i'm finding myself starting to become self-protective, just out of emotional exhaustion. but i still want to be with her, and i still love her, i just need this dark period to end. how do i get through it and still offer her the support she needs to change significant aspects of her life?

 

Hey dlfnz1,

 

I think SidLyon's points are some good ones to consider. I think it will be a little less emotionally taxing for you, if your AP is planning on telling the truth to her husband and to separate amicably. However, if she plans to continue the A while secretly trying to separate it will continue to be very stressful. Peine's point about recharging yourself and limited contact is great too.

 

Your feelings of self-protection and exhaustion are quite understandable. I think you have to focus on yourself first and foremost. "Love" isn't worth it IMO if it causes you pain, drama, exhaustion, anxiety etc. Perhaps you should see a therapist too to help you with this. I think the reason why it's best to not date people still involved or in the midst of divorce is because of the mess that often ensues and because you often cannot do anything to "help", save stress yourself out. Sometimes loving people means allowing them to sort their own lives out. The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say, and so many times people enable loved ones in bad behavior thinking they are helping them, when in truth they are helping no one and also hurting themselves.

 

She must know how difficult this is for you. I think if she loves you she will see that while you love her, she must sort out this aspect of her life and end it before you guys can be together. If it is hurting you and she cares, she should want to make it better for you, just as much as you are stressed out trying to make it easier for her. Support doesn't always mean being in the middle of the storm with someone....sometimes it means stepping back, giving a listening ear or watchful eye when needed and being there when they get out of it

[dlfzn1]

thank you for the responses. yes, i think maybe both of you are right about stepping back, or at least about not worrying if i find myself doing so. like many people in this situation, the two of us can be extremely clingy and let the other's level of panic also measure their level of love; this is not healthy for us as individuals or for the relationship as it currently exists, and sets a bad precedent for what the relationship could be in the future. careful, measured support, yeah, and trying to find ways to know the love is still there even if we can't completely take on one another's angst. thanks.

[Radagast]

There are two schools of thought on this. Some people advocate stepping back and removing yourself from the relationship until the divorce is finalised. Others argue that friends should be there to support each other when they most need it. My own view is somewhere in the middle, but closer perhaps to the second.

 

My wife supported me through my divorce with my ex-wife and I was very grateful for that. It was a very difficult time and if she had dumped me and told me to sort myself out I would have doubted the strength of the love and commitment she professed. On the other had she has always communicated very clearly and made her own position very clear. She had to take care of her own needs first and foremost and I did not resent that at all. She was there for me, but more importantly she was there for herself, and to the extent that I was able I was there for her, too. The partner of the divorcing spouse also needs support during this time and it is important that they get it.

 

I would agree that if you need to step back you should, but if you see a future together you should step back in love, communicating your reasons for doing so and providing whatever love or support you are still able to provide, even at a distance, to keep the communication open during what is a very difficult period.

[stillwater]

© she's working with an understanding therapist and is about to go to counseling with him, with the goal being amicable separation. so a "happy ending" is in sight. but it's going to be hard for everyone, whatever happens. and i just want something to happen.

 

MW told me she was going to counseling for similar reasons. I don't think her H ever got that memo. I have no idea what she actually told him, but it definitely sounded like he was there to work things out. Honestly, going to counseling together with the goal of splitting up seems very odd to me, especially if it goes on for a long time (as it did with MW). Be careful.