As always: It's complicated

[qwertzuiop]

Ok, this is a really long story, but I hope there will be some willing to read it. Sorry already!

 

I've been friends with this guy for a 2 years now. We are extremely close and both have opened up to each other more than to any other person, even talked about bad stuff we both had to endure in our childhood. Let's just say we are as close as it can get in the moment. Well, last year, in the fall, he involuntarily confessed he had feelings for me. Which didn't really change anything, we just continued as usual and grew closer and closer. I started to have feelings for him back then, feelings that have grown stronger and stronger up to the point where I believe that he really is "that special someone". I just have never met someone I could relate to so much and that really touched my innermost feelings.

Things could be beautiful, if it were that easy. Now what's in the way? First off, he is "taken", or at least in a situation that comes close it. Nothing serious, though, and nothing others would call "a relationship", but there is some other girl (more information on that later). This didn't really bugger me at first, because initially, I didn't see him more than a great friend and a small crush. Now things got more serious. I tried to talk to him about our situation a lot of times (although I didn't confess my feelings for him yet) and tried to cut ties, which didn't work out. I asked him several times where our relationship is heading, if we continue on being friends or what we are actually going to do. He admitted that we are neither fish nor fowl, but repeatedly refused to clarify the situation. When I said he should start seeing me as a friend, he said he couldn't and backed off. I gave it up then and we continued as before.

 

After some weeks, I talked to others about it, who told me that I was probably just his "side option". And it did seem as if he was just keeping me warm until he had figured out what to do The fact that he just didn't want to make it clear where he's heading with me hurt me and made me feel like I am his rescue plan. So I broke the contact with him and told him I was hurt and just wouldn't stand being his side option any longer. He was shocked by that, and told me how sorry he was and that he didn't even notice how bad he had treated me. He also told me that there is no reason for me to feel confused or jealous, as I was just as important to him as his girlfriend, if not more important, and he said he was much closer with me than with anybody. I told him to finally figure out what he wanted me in is life as, and if he even wants me in his life, and accept the consequences. He took some time to think then, and told me that his wish would be to have a serious relationship with me, but that he is too afraid and unwilling to start it in reality (as it is too hard for him). The main reason for which he said was the distance between us, this and the fact that he is extremely scared of commitment. He said that the best and easiest solution is to be friends.

His somewhat "rational" approach annoyed the hell out of me, I told him that I couldn't and didn't want to be friends with him, so I said if that's what he really wanted I would cut ties and come back when I had gotten over it. After hours and hours of discussing and talking, we agreed that this wouldn't work out and wasn't what we wanted. Instead, we both promised to think about what we are really willing to do in the future, if it is being friends or starting a relationship. He said he didn't rule anything out would try to listen to his heart more.

After that, we avoided the topic for a few days and started to be as before again, had a great time and grew even closer. Which scared the hell out of me. I knew he still had that other girl, and I knew that he probably woudl be too scared to really try to make a relationship work. He's just the type of person who runs from his feelings and usually don't let anyone get too close.

 

About his girlfriend: It's not serious at all. He defined their relationship as "we confessed our feelings to each other and tacitly consented not to get intimate with anyone else". They are living miles apart (just like me and him) and don't even meet up on a regular base, as he's afraid it will make him too attached to her. I know that she has considered to move to his city though, not because of him, but to go to study there (if one of the universities there offers a good master's degree). At least that's what was said in November 2011, and I don't know if it's still the case (she is short on money and I don't know if she could afford to move, also she might just want to study somewhere else). He told me back then that if she did, they would meet up, see how it works, and then try to get serious.

 

Now while I'm fine with our "we take time to think about it", I know him and I know that "taking time" in his world means taking as long as possible, and I'm scared that he will refuse to decide until it is too late - until she moved close to him and they can somehow start to get really serious. Then his decision is clear. I think. But as I said, I don't know how things are and what will happen.

I don't even believe in a future that is more intimate than the current situation, although we are getting closer and closer each day. I know that if I allow myself to get more attached to him and open up to him even more, I will get double hurt once he decides against me. I know that I'm too close now to be friends with him, and that he is just too perfect for me to be just a friend.

 

Am I just being stupid? I've thought to myself that if he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't really love me. But I also know that he's an extremely shy person and inaccessible person and is afraid to think about and admit what he really thinks and feels. I'm not just saying that because I'd WANT it to be like that. He's just had a terrible childhood and the only person he was ever willing to commit to in a relationship committed suicide. He's like a wounded animal, really. What gives me hope is that he opened up to me so much, more than he does to any other person (and that I know).

I'm so afraid of getting hurt. I didn't know how much I made myself dependent on him. I am a person that only rarely opens up to others, and with him I did so fast, and so easily, everything just feels right. And for him it does too, at least that's what he says. I'm sure that if this other girl wasn't there, and we could take forever to move closer and closer towards each other, that one day we could really be together. But well, time is fleeing and I guess he'd be too afraid to take the next step.

 

So what do I do now? I'm avoiding him at the moment, and when he asked me about it, I told him I need some space to think. Should I confront him about it? Or just flee, cut ties and forget about him? Let fate take over? I know that if I cut ties, he will be hurt badly, but I also know that he wouldn't try to convince me to stay, as, as I said, he isn't someone that would fight for his feelings. So "if he loves you, he will come in search" doesn't really apply, he's just too selfless for that.

[TaraMaiden]

It's not complicated at all.

He has a GF.

While he is attached to someone else, you shouldn't even be thinking about this.

Basically, he'd be having his cake and eating it.

don't be an option when you know you want to be the priority.

 

ditch this and don't touch it with a bargepole.

 

See?

Not complicated at all.

[Professor X]

As always: It's never complicated.

 

He has a GF, move on.