He has to be cheating right?

[mauilurve]

I think my boyfriend of 2 and a half years is lying about how many hours he works. According to his pay stub he worked 44 hours, but when I go back in my texts and add up the hours from when he said he was leaving work I come up with 57.

 

He gets off work early often because they are slow, so he usually texts me to tell me when he's getting off. He's claiming he isn't lying. I don't know if he just tells me he "just got off" and it was a little while before he told me or if he's just flat out lying.

 

I can't think of any other reason why he would lie about working more hours than he actually did, so he must be cheating right?

[d'Arthez]

I would not say that. Depending on where he works, overtime conditions may be extremely crappy as well.

[GorillaTheater]

Depends on how long his lunch breaks and commutes are, and whether he hits a store when he gets off work.

 

Personally, I think you're reaching.

[mauilurve]

I'm adding up just the work hours, not including commutes or lunch breaks). Also, what does "reaching" mean?

 

Depends on how long his lunch breaks and commutes are, and whether he hits a store when he gets off work.

 

Personally, I think you're reaching.

[GorillaTheater]

I meant that you seemed quick to think that he was cheating without any other evidence.

 

So okay, you've already factored in breaks and commutes. Have you asked him what he's doing with the extra 13 hours? Any other signs of cheating?

[mauilurve]

I haven't talked to him in person about it yet, just over texting. He keeps saying he's not lying. I told him to bring his time sheet home tonight, so we'll see if he does.

 

No other "real" signs of cheating. I say this because I'm generally an over-paranoid/suspicious person (which is why I was checking his pay stub in the first place). I do accuse him often of cheating though. He can't tell me where the other 13 hours went, he said he's busy at work. So I want to see if he will have an explanation later on tonight.

[NXS]

Does he have a job where he doesn't get paid for working extra hours but is expected to get too much work done within normal hours? Or maybe he gets cash in hand for OT?

[d'Arthez]

No other "real" signs of cheating. I say this because I'm generally an over-paranoid/suspicious person (which is why I was checking his pay stub in the first place). I do accuse him often of cheating though. He can't tell me where the other 13 hours went, he said he's busy at work. So I want to see if he will have an explanation later on tonight.

 

Not saying he is cheating or not, but the bolded bit does point to a problem only you can address. If a person gets accused of cheating often enough they will emotionally check out of the relationship. They may even cheat to get out of the relationship. Which is what you don't want to happen.

 

Not sure why you are not trying to address the paranoia / suspiciousness. You are only combating the outward behaviours that give rise to it, not the actual root of the problem.

[mauilurve]

No, his work is slow, he leaves early everyday. Or at least he tells me he does. He's supposed to work 7-3:30 mon-fri, but he often texts me around 1-2 pm to tell me that he got off early and that he's going fishing. He does this sh*t almost everyday. I'm starting to think "fishing" is code word for cheating.

 

Does he have a job where he doesn't get paid for working extra hours but is expected to get too much work done within normal hours? Or maybe he gets cash in hand for OT?

[mauilurve]

I'm seeing a therapist about my paranoia, however its hard to overcome. I've been in several bad relationships and I was screwed over by the last two guys before him so I now have issues trusting people.

 

Not saying he is cheating or not, but the bolded bit does point to a problem only you can address. If a person gets accused of cheating often enough they will emotionally check out of the relationship. They may even cheat to get out of the relationship. Which is what you don't want to happen.

 

Not sure why you are not trying to address the paranoia / suspiciousness. You are only combating the outward behaviours that give rise to it, not the actual root of the problem.

[d'Arthez]

I'm seeing a therapist about my paranoia, however its hard to overcome. I've been in several bad relationships and I was screwed over by the last two guys before him so I now have issues trusting people.

It may be an idea to take him along for a few sessions? So the two you can actually address what is going on - paranoia is not exactly the easiest thing to overcome - and if he understands better how it gets triggered in your case, he'll find it easier to deal with it? And the easier it becomes for him, the easier it will be for you.

[NXS]

No, his work is slow, he leaves early everyday. Or at least he tells me he does. He's supposed to work 7-3:30 mon-fri, but he often texts me around 1-2 pm to tell me that he got off early and that he's going fishing. He does this sh*t almost everyday. I'm starting to think "fishing" is code word for cheating.

 

I don't see how you could come up with 57 hours if his normal week is 40(?) hours and he regularly leaves early.

[mauilurve]

He gets paid every two weeks.

 

I don't see how you could come up with 57 hours if his normal week is 40(?) hours and he regularly leaves early.

[mauilurve]

I doubt I will stay with him. If he can't even be honest about how many hours he's working then what else does he lie about? And if he's lying about being at work then what is he doing? It's totally obvious to me that he's out f*cking someone else.

 

It may be an idea to take him along for a few sessions? So the two you can actually address what is going on - paranoia is not exactly the easiest thing to overcome - and if he understands better how it gets triggered in your case' date=' he'll find it easier to deal with it? And the easier it becomes for him, the easier it will be for you.[/quote']

[GorillaTheater]

I don't see how you could come up with 57 hours if his normal week is 40(?) hours and he regularly leaves early.

 

Yeah, I'm having a little trouble with the math as well.

 

Maui, when you get the chance, go fishing with him.

 

Like d'Arthez said, I don't know whether he's cheating or not, but it does seem to me that your paranoia may be a little out of hand.

[Christine52]

I think my boyfriend of 2 and a half years is lying about how many hours he works. According to his pay stub he worked 44 hours, but when I go back in my texts and add up the hours from when he said he was leaving work I come up with 57.

 

He gets off work early often because they are slow, so he usually texts me to tell me when he's getting off. He's claiming he isn't lying. I don't know if he just tells me he "just got off" and it was a little while before he told me or if he's just flat out lying.

 

I can't think of any other reason why he would lie about working more hours than he actually did, so he must be cheating right?

 

Usually with cheating, there's a break in pattern. Look for that break(s). If it's not unsual, you are likely over-analyzing.

 

Guys are also not the best at being 'real time'. Meaning, they may say they "just got off", which couldn't been an hour ago, if you know what I mean. Instead of looking at work hours, focus on the quality of your relationship and how he treats you and makes you feel. If your suspicions become stronger when you observe other breaks in pattern, then maybe you can reassess, and see if having a sit down with him would be worth the risk of potentially losing him, while being able to confirm or not confirm your fears.

 

I'm actually more concerned that you are suspicious of him cheating. That maybe means there's a lack of trust in your relationship, and he is not making you feel loved enough and secure in your relationship with him.

Edited May 14, 2012 by Christine52

[mauilurve]

His pay stub is saying he got paid 44 hours for 2 weeks and I'm getting 57. I even made him a nice spreadsheet with his pay stub attached to prove that he's lying.

 

I can't go fishing with him because unlike him I work my as* off at my full time job.

 

Yeah, I'm having a little trouble with the math as well.

 

Maui, when you get the chance, go fishing with him.

 

Like d'Arthez said, I don't know whether he's cheating or not, but it does seem to me that your paranoia may be a little out of hand.

[NXS]

He gets paid every two weeks.

 

Oh right, how long does he get for lunch?

[GorillaTheater]

His pay stub is saying he got paid 44 hours for 2 weeks and I'm getting 57. I even made him a nice spreadsheet with his pay stub attached to prove that he's lying.

 

I can't go fishing with him because unlike him I work my as* off at my full time job.

 

I really don't know what to tell you, except maybe this:

 

If you don't trust him, let him go and move on.

[mauilurve]

It's hard for me to determine what's a "break in pattern" or just me being suspicious. Everything is suspicious to me...

 

Usually with cheating, there's a break in pattern. Look for that break(s). If it's not unsual, you are likely over-analyzing.

 

Guys are also not the best at being 'real time'. Meaning, they may say they "just got off", which couldn't been an hour ago, if you know what I mean. Instead of looking at work hours, focus on the quality of your relationship and how he treats you and makes you feel. If your suspicions become stronger when you observe other breaks in pattern, then maybe you can reassess, and see if having a sit down with him would be worth the risk of potentially losing him, while being able to confirm or not confirm your fears.

 

I'm actually more concerned that you are suspicious of him cheating. That maybe means there's a lack of trust in your relationship, and he is not making you feel loved enough and secure in your relationship with him.

[Christine52]

It's hard for me to determine what's a "break in pattern" or just me being suspicious. Everything is suspicious to me...

 

If everything is suspicious to you, are you enjoying this relationship? Why not find another one you'll be happier in?

[d'Arthez]

If everything is suspicious to you, are you enjoying this relationship? Why not find another one you'll be happier in?

Even better, if OP decides to end this relationship, work on her issues first. Because if subsequent relationships work out as well as the current one, what joy is there to be had from them?

[mauilurve]

Ok, so I talked to him in person last night. He kept saying he wasn’t lying. I showed him a paper with all of the times I *thought* he got off work and he just kept saying he doesn’t understand where I got those numbers from. I did find out that he gets paid lunch, so there’s another 8 hours unaccounted for! But he also told me that when he texts me and says he’s off work its sometimes an hour later. He also told me that sometimes he clocks in at 8 or 9 am instead of 7, which is when I was counting the hours from (he has to be there at 7 because he doesn’t know when he will actually start work).

 

Something is telling me to believe him. I told both my mom & cousin about the situation and they don’t think he would cheat.

[dasein]

His pay stub is saying he got paid 44 hours for 2 weeks and I'm getting 57. I even made him a nice spreadsheet with his pay stub attached to prove that he's lying.

 

If this is the standard of behavior he gets at home, hell I'd go fishing as much as possible to stay away too. I imagine you would fly into a rage if he said he was going for a beer after work, wouldn't you? Let him go, he doesn't deserve this.

[ascendotum]

If this is the standard of behavior he gets at home, hell I'd go fishing as much as possible to stay away too. I imagine you would fly into a rage if he said he was going for a beer after work, wouldn't you? Let him go, he doesn't deserve this.

 

Seriously, quite a few guys would be like this ^, if their gf was like this "I do accuse him often of cheating though.", and was now compiling spreadsheets tracking his comings & going at home & work. Some would spend time at a pool hall with some of their co-workers, or down at the pub or over at a mates place to play some xbox/ps3 game or at the betting shop as a sanctuary from work and a suspicious gf.

Look he possibly may be cheating, but he also may be doing these other things, or annoying you with vague txt times because he's annoyed at being falsely accused of cheating in the past. Is he catching any fish to bring home?

 

I definitely thought it was worthwhile asking him about the discrepancies, but found it a little strange it was done over txting. I agree with a couple of others who suggested, it doesn't really sound like this a satisfying/happy relationship, even if you find no proof.