Consolidated discussion - The Friend Zone

[TaraMaiden]

No, not necessarily. There are plenty of people who feel totally in love...who aren't really friends in any true sense. One could argue that they confuse horniness for intimacy but who am I to tell them their love is less real?

 

I cannot honestly believe that any couple truly in love, would have no friendship. From my PoV love is only real if there is also good friendship. Because ultimately when the sexual intimacy fades, lessens and dies, that is the greatest bonding agent a relationship can have.

 

People might 'feel' in love, but if that love has no amicable support, it will never last, nor be as deep.

 

Then thre are others who will not feel romantic attraction for someone they feel true friendship for. Even if they start to feel that way after building an explicitly romantic relationship. As soon as the hot spark of lust is gone, and they start to act like an old married couple they jump ship.

 

I have no idea what you're getting at here....

 

 

One of the most beautiful lines I have ever read, was in a poem by Robert Browning:

 

"Come grow old with me; the best is yet to be!"

 

And the poems she wrote to him, were heartbreakingly beautiful.

What a love affair - and solid friendship - that was!

[Mrlonelyone]

Well it seems we actually agree about what real love is and should be. Our difference is one of semantics and language.

 

Yes, real love has a strong backbone of friendship. The lustful "love" so many get caught up in never last....yet listen to all the people who need that instant chemsitry or they can't date a person.

 

I just wanted the OP to know that. Many people are so paranoid about being in the FZ that if they start to feel like their lover is also a real friend they think the relationship is over. You and I know, that can just be the beginning.

 

If you like the love writings from times past I highly suggest this book.

My Dearest Friend: Letters of Abigail and John Adams, There are other compliations. They would seemlessly transition from talk of politics and war, to home life and love, to poetry they remembered or composed and back...all while showing a true deep intimacy and love. Mehaps it's the kind of thing that hapeens to 1/100 people 1//100 years.

[red shoes]

We start bantering (semblance of a closer friendship). Yet he seems to start seeing me as a woman (looking at some areas that you know men look at and similng at my smile).

[sweetkiwi]

Ive read a few times on here that "its better than nothing at all"... which could not sound more insecure & pathetic. How can someone have such little value in themselves to actually "take what they can get".... bull****.... if you want something, start being the person who goes out and gets it and will not accept blurred substitutes as a consolation prize.

 

But a part of that will start with you first working on YOU... being a better YOU, so you can actually have confidence and believe in yourself.

 

Shadow, where have you been? Some guys need you around here.

 

Be you. Improve. Have balls because straight women like balls. In Italy it's so rare for girls to have orbiting guy friends. Sure they have guy friends but usually its a very platonic thing. And guess what. Those guys are getting all kinds of pussy. From girls in other groups.

[SteveC80]

A lot of times if a guy gets "friendzoned" its overanalyzed to death.From the guys appproach or whter or not he wasnt agressive enough etc the bottom line is 99% of the time its because you werent good looking enough to the women.

 

I think guys would save themslvesalot of heartache and overanalyzing if they just realized this instead of beating themselves up as to what they could have done better when chances are it was out of their hands.

[Pompeii]

And water is wet.

 

News at 11.

[LittleTiger]

That's right - because they are not 'attractive' enough (to the woman).....and being 'attractive' is about a lot more than looks.

 

This topic has been done to death!!!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Let's be honest.

 

The so-called "friendzone" is pretty rare. Only very insecure (usually young) girls will pigeonhole a guy into this semi-mythological "zone" so she can feed her ego off of his unrequited love like a vampire.

 

In fact, chemistry can be completely absent and yet other compatibilities very much in place. That results in the relationship commonly known as "friendship." One person might have a crush or wish to bone the other one, but nobody's in a "zone." Friendship is a mutual, two way relationship. If it's not benefitting both, anyone can opt out.

 

I get the impression that some of the most vociferous posters on "friend zone" theories are pretty low on the evolutionary scale when it comes to emotional intelligence. Don't worry, you can still grow up and experience friendship - even with people of different genders, generations, political bents, religions, and all kinds of stuff.

[Jbum5]

The above statement, whether generalizing in nature or not, holds substance. Many times an individual beats themselves in the head trying to figure out what exactly that did wrong to get so-called "friend-zoned." Actually, they are being optimistic because the simple truth is that they were probably not attractive enough to the other party in the first place. That's not to say that they aren't attractive at all - it's just to say that they are attractive to other people and not everyone.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The above statement, whether generalizing in nature or not, holds substance. Many times an individual beats themselves in the head trying to figure out what exactly that did wrong to get so-called "friend-zoned." Actually, they are being optimistic because the simple truth is that they were probably not attractive enough to the other party in the first place. That's not to say that they aren't attractive at all - it's just to say that they are attractive to other people and not everyone.

 

No. The simple truth is that the girl DID NOT DIG YOU.

 

Deny all you want, but women dislike hot, handsome guys all the time. If he's an conceited ignorant asshat, that'll do it. A guy like the OP (sorry, dude) who constantly brags about how handsome and desirable he is would be super easy to walk right by. No friendship, even.

 

No chemistry with a good guy who's good looking can do it too. But in that case, you might be friends. I mean, actual friends. You know, where people like and support each other.

[tbf]

 

Not hot.

 

Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman are considered major sex symbols. They're aesthetically good-looking but leave me ice cold.

 

Hot!

 

Benedict Cumberbatch is not aesthetically considered good-looking, at least by any generic litmus test. But his personality, intelligence and more emotionally stoic demeanor shine through clearly, that he tops the above two by a light year.

 

So yes, it's true that guys are rejected because they're not attractive enough. Where the distinction lies is the definition of attractive, which will vary per woman.

[xxoo]

He's got to be sexually attractive to her in some way, this is true.

 

Women can find a man attractive and not be sexually attracted. She can also see that he is average in looks and find him incredibly hot. It depends on the whole package.

[Jbum5]

No. The simple truth is that the girl DID NOT DIG YOU.

 

Deny all you want, but women dislike hot, handsome guys all the time. If he's an conceited ignorant asshat, that'll do it. A guy like the OP (sorry, dude) who constantly brags about how handsome and desirable he is would be super easy to walk right by. No friendship, even.

 

No chemistry with a good guy who's good looking can do it too. But in that case, you might be friends. I mean, actual friends. You know, where people like and support each other.

 

Let's be more clear: the original post is not assuming that all hot, handsome guys are conceited or ignorant asshats that like to constantly brag about how handsome and desirable they are. Likewise, it's not assuming that a good guy who's good-looking will yield any more or less success. It's simply stating that the initial statement holds some substance, depending on the circumstances and individuals involved.

[SteveC80]

Women can find a man attractive and not be sexually attracted. She can also see that he is average in looks and find him incredibly hot. It depends on the whole package.

 

No its what average looking women who can only get average looking women have to convince themselves to try to get revved up for their average looking husbands.

[xxoo]

No its what average looking women who can only get average looking women have to convince themselves to try to get revved up for their average looking husbands.

 

Are you an average looking woman?

[SteveC80]

Are you an average looking woman?

 

No but ive slept with enough married ones to know their true desires:D

[xxoo]

No but ive slept with enough married ones to know their true desires:D

 

Which would mean that you are familiar with a subset of women who are cheating. Those of us who are getting great sex from our men aren't cheating.

[xpaperxcutx]

I met my ex as a friend, and eventually over-time i fell for him and it had nothing to do with his looks ( that came second along with his six-pack).

 

And he became the longest relationship I had.

 

If guys and girls started out as friends, its not necessarily a bad thing. The more you hang out with the opposite sex, you learn their likes and dislikes and isn't it always true your SO, aside from being your lover, is also your best friend?

[SteveC80]

Which would mean that you are familiar with a subset of women who are cheating. Those of us who are getting great sex from our men aren't cheating.

 

So youd cheat if you werent getting great sex what a saint you are

[Mme. Chaucer]

No but ive slept with enough married ones to know their true desires:D

 

The "true desires" of the particular married women who would choose to sleep with you. Which certainly would be far, far, far from universal. Sorry to burst your bubble.

[Mme. Chaucer]

No its what average looking women who can only get average looking women have to convince themselves to try to get revved up for their average looking husbands.

 

That's truly delusional and frankly, very depressing. Please tell me you don't really believe this.

 

Why do you spend so much time posting on LS about how irresistible you find yourself to be? Do you ever question your motives on this? Because I think it's pretty weird.

[SteveC80]

That's truly delusional and frankly, very depressing. Please tell me you don't really believe this.

 

Why do you spend so much time posting on LS about how irresistible you find yourself to be? Do you ever question your motives on this? Because I think it's pretty weird.

 

I just speak from my experience and what i see women do which is the opposite of the facade and politically correct stuff said

[Jbum5]

I met my ex as a friend, and eventually over-time i fell for him and it had nothing to do with his looks ( that came second along with his six-pack).

 

And he became the longest relationship I had.

 

If guys and girls started out as friends, its not necessarily a bad thing. The more you hang out with the opposite sex, you learn their likes and dislikes and isn't it always true your SO, aside from being your lover, is also your best friend?

 

Assurance can be offered on this statement from another first-hand experiencee.

[HuffmanMontana]

It's funny, I've tried online dating briefly and I cannot get a decent looking woman to talk to me. I always make sure to talk about mutual interests and ask questions relating to some of theirs. Even women I just find as average don't typically respond.

 

But in real life I have no problem meeting very attractive women. It's weird, I would have thought it would be the opposite but it's not. My only guess is that I look better in person or maybe my personality doesn't shine through via keyboard.

[xpaperxcutx]

It's funny, I've tried online dating briefly and I cannot get a decent looking woman to talk to me. I always make sure to talk about mutual interests and ask questions relating to some of theirs. Even women I just find as average don't typically respond.

 

But in real life I have no problem meeting very attractive women. It's weird, I would have thought it would be the opposite but it's not. My only guess is that I look better in person or maybe my personality doesn't shine through via keyboard.

 

Internet dating is a good way to break the ice for shy people who are not that social in person, but no one should rely on emails to make one's personality shine. If meeting attractive women in person isn't a problem, then you should definitely keep it up. Sometimes face-to-face contact lets your convey yourself better than a paragraph of adjectives about yourself.

 

Having done internet dating in the past, I've only exposed myself to flakey and emotionally detached people. Nowadays, i absolutely enjoy talking to people and getting their contacts in person.