for those whose affairs became something more...

[awhitelily]

is there anyone out there whose MM or MW left their spouse to be with you? i'm just wondering, will something as huge as a divorce and being separated from their child cause prmanent emotional trauma to someone and effectively change them forever?

 

and how do you move on from the ordeal and trust him to stay? after all, he left her to be with me... that's always gonna be nagging at my back. is the best solution to completely erase our affair and start over new as if it were a new relationship for him after his divorce?

 

if anyone's interested... my story is i met and became friends with my MM (colleague) over a year ago, and got romantically involved about 11 months ago. never pressured him to leave his wife, told him that was his own decision to make but i wasn't gonna stick around forever. they were having issues even before i entered the picture, and they are currently going through divorce proceedings. they've been married 7 years and have a son together.

[wellwhynot]

is there anyone out there whose MM or MW left their spouse to be with you? i'm just wondering, will something as huge as a divorce and being separated from their child cause prmanent emotional trauma to someone and effectively change them forever?

 

and how do you move on from the ordeal and trust him to stay? after all, he left her to be with me... that's always gonna be nagging at my back. is the best solution to completely erase our affair and start over new as if it were a new relationship for him after his divorce?

 

if anyone's interested... my story is i met and became friends with my MM (colleague) over a year ago, and got romantically involved about 11 months ago. never pressured him to leave his wife, told him that was his own decision to make but i wasn't gonna stick around forever. they were having issues even before i entered the picture, and they are currently going through divorce proceedings. they've been married 7 years and have a son together.

 

You can't change your past, and history is history. You move on from where you are and counseling as a couple may be beneficial as well as each of you individually.

 

Every person deals with their divorce differently, just communicate with each other, deal with all of that step by step.

 

Life causes permanent and emotional trauma. EVERY step of the way. Just play the cards you've got and go from there.

[jphcbpa]

agree that therapy might help both of you get to some core issues and become healthier people regardless of if you stay together down the road.

 

I am curious, did you guys ever have some time apart? in other words, give him some space to clear his head/heart and try to make the M work with a MC

[spice4life]

First, just to be clear, I wasn't in your situation, so I can't say 100%. But, a big BUT, I have been divorced and it takes a strong person to find the courage to get out of a marriage. Why would you wonder if a person will become permanently damaged? People in general are resilient and actually grow from the experience. Unless he has some kind of emotonal disorder, I don't see how it will damage him permenantly.

 

Divorce is tough, but if he is a strong person he will make it through, especially if it is his choice. My only advice is don't become his wiping post during the divorce. Protect yourself. Be supportive when he needs you and give him space when he problem solving in his cave. Don't push him for answers if he is stressed...let him calm down first and then talk.

 

Dunno if this helps, but hope so.

[4321sn]

I am in the same situation. Was in an affair with MM for almost 2 years when he finally left and told her he wanted a divorce. He has 2 teenaged children who are obviously extremely upset. They do not know he was in an affair. He is a very involved father and became extremely depressed. Even being around my children made him sad because he missed his kids.

 

He's in individual therapy now and is working through his feelings that he abandoned his children-even though he sees them almost daily. It is VERY difficult for him not to be living with his kids anymore. He's going through a mourning period.

 

We have struggled but are working through a lot of issues...especially trust issues.

[woinlove]

I was in a similar situation but didn't stick with it. I ended our R when the divorce became final. At that point, they had been separated for ~2 years, at the beginning of which the full truth came out, his children preteen-teens knew about us. For me, it was just that after all the drama cleared, I decided I did not want to join my life to this man.

 

But he did rebuild a good working R with his exW. After D, they got along fine and both parents remained involved and close to the kids, who seemed to adapt over the 2yr separation. They still spent some holidays together as a family with both parents present.

 

MM met someone a couple months after we ended, married her, then met someone else about 6 or 7 years later and divorced again. So he didn't seem to learn much on that side of things. He didn't do any counselling.

 

I'd recommend both IC and MC. IC for MM to deal with issues related to him choosing an A and this, and MC, could help resolve trust issues for both of you. For the children, I think it helps a lot to have the parents get back to treating each other with respect and it probably helps if the truth comes out sooner rather than later, so everyone can adapt.

[MissBee]

I think the difficulty with these situations often come with the pressure of feeling like the relationship MUST work out because of 1. All the trouble you went through to finally get to an open relationship and 2. To in some ways not prove "naysayers" right.

 

These pressures often come into play and color As that become regular relationships. Truth is, in a regular out in the open relationship, it is open from the start and you often have more of a chance to see in reality whether or not things can work out longterm and how much you should invest, and while it may be hard to walk away if it isn't working, there is less pressure to force it to work out. With As that turn regular, I think you already went through a lot many times and thus want something to show for it. There is a chance that even if it were not an A, you'd not last, for the normal reasons couples don't last....your A partner may not be your one true love forever and ever, even if they leave. But I think there is a rhetoric of exceptionalism in As; that is, one went against values because it was a special circumstances, it is a special love, etc. So that also adds to the need for it to work out because the "only reason" it was done was for these exceptional reasons. That's a lot of pressure on an A turned regular, that is not always there in normal relationships. You may have expectations but not nearly as much as in a post-A relationship.

 

In any case, I agree that counseling can help, yet there must be space and time for the MP to clear their mind. I imagine that many As aren't meant to be permanent relationships, like any other, and that perhaps an MP does not want to divorce and jump right into another relationship where they have to put in work, do counseling etc. I think sometimes how an A looks when one is still married and it is an A, is very different from when it is now one's primary relationship, and the truth is, for some people, it is a huge shock and not at all what they want. I can't say how it will be for you. But I do think he needs the space to decide for himself if he truly wants your relationship and the work it will take. You also have to take the relationship on its own terms and start anew in terms of dating in the open and seeing where things can possibly go, instead of jumping from A to committed relationship. You also want to be careful of being used as a bandaid for his wounds, where he clings to you because of the trauma of his divorce (like some people do in rebound relationships, where they dive head first into another relationship to soothe their pain, then when that clears they realize they don't even love this person at all).

Edited May 15, 2012 by MissBee

[woinlove]

I think the difficulty with these situations often come with the pressure of feeling like the relationship MUST work out because of 1. All the trouble you went through to finally get to an open relationship and 2. To in some ways not prove "naysayers" right.

 

These pressures often come into play and color As that become regular relationships. Truth is, in a regular out in the open relationship, it is open from the start and you often have more of a chance to see in reality whether or not things can work out longterm and how much you should invest, and while it may be hard to walk away if it isn't working, there is less pressure to force it to work out. With As that turn regular, I think you already went through a lot many times and thus want something to show for it. There is a chance that even if it were not an A, you'd not last, for the normal reasons couples don't last....your A partner may not be your one true love forever and ever, even if they leave. But I think there is a rhetoric of exceptionalism in As; that is, one went against values because it was a special circumstances, it is a special love, etc. So that also adds to the need for it to work out because the "only reason" it was done was for these exceptional reasons. That's a lot of pressure on an A turned regular, that is not always there in normal relationships. You may have expectations but not nearly as much as in a post-A relationship.

 

In any case, I agree that counseling can help, yet there must be space and time for the MP to clear their mind. I imagine that many As aren't meant to be permanent relationships, like any other, and that perhaps an MP does not want to divorce and jump right into another relationship where they have to put in work, do counseling etc. I think sometimes how an A looks when one is still married and it is an A, is very different from when it is now one's primary relationship, and the truth is, for some people, it is a huge shock and not at all what they want. I can't say how it will be for you. But I do think he needs the space to decide for himself if he truly wants your relationship and the work it will take. You also have to take the relationship on its own terms and start anew in terms of dating in the open and seeing where things can possibly go, instead of jumping from A to committed relationship. You also want to be careful of being used as a bandaid for his wounds, where he clings to you because of the trauma of his divorce (like some people do in rebound relationships, where they dive head first into another relationship to soothe their pain, then when that clears they realize they don't even love this person at all).

 

So many good points in this response. Re the bolded, I think this is really important and you should never feel like you have to make it work. Guilt sometimes drives one to feel that way - I recall an example here on LS, where the OW felt it had to work, felt guilt, and felt trapped a few years later.

 

Personally, I am so glad I ended things and was just thinking me getting out of the picture may have helped MM and his W recover civility and cooperation with each other quicker after the D, which then benefited their children.

 

For others, it may be different. But if you ever get the feeling of wondering if this is what you really want or if you feel like you should stay after all the drama and hurt, I would pay very close attention to those feelings. Don't suppress them, but examine them.

[cocorico]

is there anyone out there whose MM or MW left their spouse to be with you? i'm just wondering, will something as huge as a divorce and being separated from their child cause prmanent emotional trauma to someone and effectively change them forever?

 

 

Yes he left. No, no damage. He's himself as he was, only happier. No, no trust issues. He never lied to me so why should I mistrust him?

 

No I don't think there is anything to be gained by trying to u do or erase or deny your R history. I think that is dishonest and inauthentic. You have a R and should work with what you have and where you are rather than seeking to sweep inconvenient issues u Der the rug. If you are worried about importing toxic baggage from the time of the A you should consider R counselling, and if you have concerns about trust perhaps you need to consider if you have a future together. If you cannot trust each other then why have a R?

[4321sn]

Yes he left. No, no damage. He's himself as he was, only happier. No, no trust issues. He never lied to me so why should I mistrust him?

 

No I don't think there is anything to be gained by trying to u do or erase or deny your R history. I think that is dishonest and inauthentic. You have a R and should work with what you have and where you are rather than seeking to sweep inconvenient issues u Der the rug. If you are worried about importing toxic baggage from the time of the A you should consider R counselling, and if you have concerns about trust perhaps you need to consider if you have a future together. If you cannot trust each other then why have a R?

 

I think the issue of trust is a legitimate concern considering the relationship involved lying. I think that trust is something that can be built up and earned. To move forward with a relationship which started as an affair and NOT be concerned about lying would be foolish.

 

My BF and I work at it everyday. We were both married when we started the affair. We both lied about where we were and who we were with many many times. I think you simplify things by saying if you cannot trust one another why bother". It takes real effort...and has been challenging but has been worth the struggle.

[woinlove]

I think the issue of trust is a legitimate concern considering the relationship involved lying. I think that trust is something that can be built up and earned. To move forward with a relationship which started as an affair and NOT be concerned about lying would be foolish.

 

My BF and I work at it everyday. We were both married when we started the affair. We both lied about where we were and who we were with many many times. I think you simplify things by saying if you cannot trust one another why bother". It takes real effort...and has been challenging but has been worth the struggle.

 

I agree with this. Perhaps some are just young and naive, but it also seems there can be a lot of denial, closing one's eyes to so many issues surrounding an A, and only focussing on the parts one can feel good about. To transition into an R that will thrive and be sustained over the years, I think one should work hard not to deny the negatives, but rather to acknowledge them and deal with them, doing the necessary work as individuals and as a couple.

[4321sn]

I agree with this. Perhaps some are just young and naive, but it also seems there can be a lot of denial, closing one's eyes to so many issues surrounding an A, and only focussing on the parts one can feel good about. To transition into an R that will thrive and be sustained over the years, I think one should work hard not to deny the negatives, but rather to acknowledge them and deal with them, doing the necessary work as individuals and as a couple.

 

YES! I agree 100%...in many ways the transition from an affair to a relationship has been even more difficult than the affair itself. For my BF there was and still is a mourning period. He was married for 17 years. He left his house and his children. Even though he didn't love his wife and didn't want to be with her it was a huge life change. He was often depressed and distant. We still have to deal with me meeting his children. We are in individual therapy and eventually will go together. He left over a year ago and we still are working at things on a daily basis.

 

He just took a brief trip to Germany. I was nervous...he checked in often-gave me his flight and hotel info. I never actually called his hotel...He is earning trust.

[woinlove]

YES! I agree 100%...in many ways the transition from an affair to a relationship has been even more difficult than the affair itself. For my BF there was and still is a mourning period. He was married for 17 years. He left his house and his children. Even though he didn't love his wife and didn't want to be with her it was a huge life change. He was often depressed and distant. We still have to deal with me meeting his children. We are in individual therapy and eventually will go together. He left over a year ago and we still are working at things on a daily basis.

 

He just took a brief trip to Germany. I was nervous...he checked in often-gave me his flight and hotel info. I never actually called his hotel...He is earning trust.

 

Good luck with all that! It sounds like you are taking lots of constructive steps, and I'm sure you both will reap rewards form these. It's also a very useful example for the OP. I do hope the parents will establish a positive co-parenting R after the D as I think that helps so much.

 

One sometimes sees a lot of animosity after D, even from the xWS toward the xBS, and I don't think this is healthy for the children. I think the onus is on the xWS to do even more at trying to establish a cordial, respectful R (not necessarily friendly) with the other parent for the children's sake. I know this can be complex, also involving trust and jealousy issues, but in my own experience with a MM, this is one thing he did that worked well.

[Got it]

is there anyone out there whose MM or MW left their spouse to be with you? i'm just wondering, will something as huge as a divorce and being separated from their child cause prmanent emotional trauma to someone and effectively change them forever?

 

and how do you move on from the ordeal and trust him to stay? after all, he left her to be with me... that's always gonna be nagging at my back. is the best solution to completely erase our affair and start over new as if it were a new relationship for him after his divorce?

 

if anyone's interested... my story is i met and became friends with my MM (colleague) over a year ago, and got romantically involved about 11 months ago. never pressured him to leave his wife, told him that was his own decision to make but i wasn't gonna stick around forever. they were having issues even before i entered the picture, and they are currently going through divorce proceedings. they've been married 7 years and have a son together.

 

I would agree that if dMM left his marriage to be with me and that was the sole reason why he left I would feel the sword of Damocles hanging over my head. That is too much pressure to have to sustain someone else like that!

 

Just like I left my marriage, dMM left his because he no longer wanted to be in it, that with or without me in his life it was the right decision for him.

 

His biggest fear and concern was the separation from his kids and unfortunately his fears did come to fruition. That has been hard for him but he has been in therapy since the separation and has worked with a therapist on the different aspects of his life.

 

Divorcing, especially divorcing with kids can be very hard and hopefully both parents are not putting their children in the middle of it.

 

In regards to trust, we have been in CC since the beginning to continue to strength our foundation and because I learned in my marriage that counseling is better served while things are good than at the 11th hour. You are right, starting in an EMR is not an ideal way to start so getting counseling has proven to be very good for us in regards to communication, conflict resolution, and empathy.

 

It hasn't been an easy road but I have been and continue to be very happy with him and in our relationship.

[Got it]

I think the difficulty with these situations often come with the pressure of feeling like the relationship MUST work out because of 1. All the trouble you went through to finally get to an open relationship and 2. To in some ways not prove "naysayers" right.

 

These pressures often come into play and color As that become regular relationships. Truth is, in a regular out in the open relationship, it is open from the start and you often have more of a chance to see in reality whether or not things can work out longterm and how much you should invest, and while it may be hard to walk away if it isn't working, there is less pressure to force it to work out. With As that turn regular, I think you already went through a lot many times and thus want something to show for it. There is a chance that even if it were not an A, you'd not last, for the normal reasons couples don't last....your A partner may not be your one true love forever and ever, even if they leave. But I think there is a rhetoric of exceptionalism in As; that is, one went against values because it was a special circumstances, it is a special love, etc. So that also adds to the need for it to work out because the "only reason" it was done was for these exceptional reasons. That's a lot of pressure on an A turned regular, that is not always there in normal relationships. You may have expectations but not nearly as much as in a post-A relationship.

 

In any case, I agree that counseling can help, yet there must be space and time for the MP to clear their mind. I imagine that many As aren't meant to be permanent relationships, like any other, and that perhaps an MP does not want to divorce and jump right into another relationship where they have to put in work, do counseling etc. I think sometimes how an A looks when one is still married and it is an A, is very different from when it is now one's primary relationship, and the truth is, for some people, it is a huge shock and not at all what they want. I can't say how it will be for you. But I do think he needs the space to decide for himself if he truly wants your relationship and the work it will take. You also have to take the relationship on its own terms and start anew in terms of dating in the open and seeing where things can possibly go, instead of jumping from A to committed relationship. You also want to be careful of being used as a bandaid for his wounds, where he clings to you because of the trauma of his divorce (like some people do in rebound relationships, where they dive head first into another relationship to soothe their pain, then when that clears they realize they don't even love this person at all).

 

I think this is an assumption by many who observe these types of relationships but from those being in it I think you are just as likely to walk once it becomes a regular relationship. The S/D stage is very stressful and there is a feeling of already putting up with enough at times and so adding in any additional idiosyncracies can be the tipping point. Now the caveat to this is that ones that immediately marry again before the ink is dry on the divorce MAY feel the need to tough it out longer for the sheer fact because divorcing can be a pain in the tush and we circle back to the divorcing is hard in general comment.

 

Speaking for myself, I was always a "one foot outside the door" type of person so I needed to be convinced why I needed to stay than the other way around.