Is it just 'Friends' or perhaps something more?

[gearsofwar]

Me and my ex girlfriend of 3 years have made amends so we are now on a 'friends' basis after 3 months of being apart, she still wants me to hang out with her but it's usually in public places, so were not going back to each other places (apartment/house) but we do plan to meet again in the next couple of days.

 

To get straight to the point, she said she's trying to 'move on' but doesn't want to ruin a great friendship, but my ex has on a couple of occasion's hinted saying she's going out on a 'date' with other guys and I try to remain neutral in the scenario, not to react and try to be happy for her because in truth I'm doing the same with girls, but I don't intentionally brag or rub it in her face like she seems to be doing with me.

 

When we spend time together I pick up on subtle hints like her brushing up against me more than accidentally, poking fun at mild insecurities, inside jokes (things we used to say when we were together) and couple of times I've managed to pull off the 'imaginary hair/lint' with little joke to test the water with her and she doesn't freak out or feel awkward about it.

 

I may be opening a can of worms for myself here, but do you think if I keep 'advancing' and she ends up responding negatively to it she'll blow the whole 'friends' thing off and we'll be back to no contact (she has said in the past - pretty much in argument form, if I try to 'force' our relationship back together she'll cut all ties with me completely).

 

In truth I really do want another shot with her, as I feel I've addressed the underlying problems as to why we broke up, mostly it was me being too needy which I can respect as I felt depressed with work/finances etc. which is now back under reasonable control.

 

But right now, I can't help but think, is she 'comparing' me to her dates (if she is actually dating other people), seeing if I've really improved for the better or is this all just to get a reaction out of me.

 

The other side of the coin tells me I should take control of this situation and make my decision and not fall into old habit with 'approval seeking behaviour' on this matter.

 

It feels like I'm letting her have the power over what should happen next.

 

 

Thank you for reading, I'd appreciate your advice and thoughts.

[Tommyboy129]

It sounds like she is attracted to you. She wants you to be the man in the relationship and not the woman. What i would consider doing if I was in your position is being interested, attentive, and caring (or however your normal relationship dynamic was) while being detached.

[gearsofwar]

Hi, thank you for your reply.

 

I must admit toward the end of our old relationship, I displayed a lot needy behaviour, This was down to personal issues in my life as mentioned above plus a cocktail of other things and I tried to talk about them openly but felt I was putting onto her as she was also under strain with commitments and her working nights didn't help. So I decided to let them ferment and rather than offloading, I tried my best to cope but bin honest with myself I see me just wanting 'hugs' and other affection most nights, but not so much in the romantic sense.

 

I believe I know what initially attracted her to me, but I fear if I come on too strong with that, I'll scare her off, as the tone was set if I pushed for a reconciliation for our relationship she seemed deadly serious she would cut me off completely (and I believe she definitely would).

 

It's this fear that's holding me back, but the longer were going out for meals/bowling/movies (for a change we went to see a magic show to try keep it exciting - but have suggested other ideas/activities but she's not too keen on them), but I feel she'll become accustomed to this treatment (or even bored), whilst still potentially dating other guys and I'll fall further into the 'friends' bracket.

 

It just seems I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Edited May 14, 2012 by gearsofwar

[gearsofwar]

Me and my ex girlfriend of 3 years have made amends so we are now on a 'friends' basis after 3 months of being apart, she still wants me to hang out with her but it's usually in public places, so were not going back to each other places (apartment/house) but we do plan to meet again in the next couple of days.

 

To get straight to the point, she said she's trying to 'move on' but doesn't want to ruin a great friendship, but my ex has on a couple of occasion's hinted saying she's going out on a 'date' with other guys and I try to remain neutral in the scenario, not to react and try to be happy for her because in truth I'm doing the same with girls, but I don't intentionally brag or rub it in her face like she seems to be doing with me.

 

When we spend time together I pick up on subtle hints like her brushing up against me more than accidentally, poking fun at mild insecurities, inside jokes (things we used to say when we were together) and couple of times I've managed to pull off the 'imaginary hair/lint' with little joke to test the water with her and she doesn't freak out or feel awkward about it.

 

I may be opening a can of worms for myself here, but do you think if I keep 'advancing' and she ends up responding negatively to it she'll blow the whole 'friends' thing off and we'll be back to no contact (she has said in the past - pretty much in argument form, if I try to 'force' our relationship back together she'll cut all ties with me completely).

 

In truth I really do want another shot with her, as I feel I've addressed the underlying problems as to why we broke up, mostly it was me being too needy which I can respect as I felt depressed with work/finances etc. which is now back under reasonable control.

 

But right now, I can't help but think, is she 'comparing' me to her dates (if she is actually dating other people), seeing if I've really improved for the better or is this all just to get a reaction out of me.

 

The other side of the coin tells me I should take control of this situation and make my decision and not fall into old habit with 'approval seeking behaviour' on this matter.

 

It feels like I'm letting her have the power over what should happen next.

 

 

Thank you for reading, I'd appreciate your advice and thoughts.

 

We met up again and pretty much all of the above still applied, I changed a couple of things about my usual appearance (new T-shirt and some new shoes) which she complimented me on even though I didn't raise the subject.

 

The whole meet was great, but at the end of the night she just gave me a friendly hug and suggested we should do it again sometime.

 

It feels like I keep getting hot/cold from her which I am picking up on, but what do I do about it? I've concluded I do still want her back but have no idea on how to 'advance' further without blowing it - like trying to kiss her etc.

 

Has anyone got any pointers?

Edited May 21, 2012 by gearsofwar