why is she contacting so much?is it good or bad????

[rd1978]

ok so she is instant messaging me,,, in the past 10 days she has wrote to me on 8 of them,,,, we have conversations friendly,, not getting into anything other than just current avents and stuff like that,,, nothing about me and her ,, i know there was another guy she was "hanging out with" but my friend said he hasnt seen her out with him in like 2-3 weeks....... we were togethor for 5 years,,, i kinda always had the upper hand.... but didnt use it like i did....

 

i havent initiated a conversation nor have i called her in 2 months,, i had told her when we broke up that she could not call me anymore,,, and do whatever it takes to leave me alone ,, of course that is if she didnt want to be with me ,, i made it very clear,,, weve been split for like 7- 8 weeks and the longest time inbetween her trying to contact me was prob 1 week,,, i was ignoring all of her phone calls or instant messages untill last week,,,, { i figured hey what is there to talk about}... so im wondereing why in the hell is she writing me so much,, if she wanted to be friendly she could just say hello how are you ,, every once in a while..... same thing goes for if she just wants to see if i will talk to her or if im still around....

 

now i almost always get off the phone first,, w/ her i dont give her any felling's,, but i do joke around to lighten up the conversation,,, I personally think she is talking to me 2 much,,

 

she broke up with me and some comment came out the other day about how i left her and stopped talking to her,,, well i made it clear that she was not going to have her cake and eat it to... not with a b/friend of 5 years and some tall skinny lanky ass dipsh*t

 

ok some people would say oh your lucky that at least she talks to you BUT ,, there is only i good reason she is and about 5 bad reasons she could be,,,, i alsmot feel she is testing the waters with me to see if ive changed,, i only put about 65% in- instead of a 110% ,, i was scared of the next commetment ,, but now i realize thats what i want... no plans have been made to hang out i dont know if i should ask,, or do anything semi romantic ,, or just let things be,,, THE BIG THING HERE IS SHE DOESNT KNOW IF IM SEEING ANYONE,,, i havent been going out to some of the normal places i usually do so i dont run into her... i know she has a guard up to protect her feelings ,, so if anyone could please give me some insight it would greatly be apreciated

[bounce]

Do you want to get back with her? Talking for myself if I was calling someone that I broke up with it is because I am hoping that there is a chance of getting back together. I may have been hasty in wanting to break up in the first place. I don't know why you guys broke up but it sounds like she is second quessing it. The other reason I would keep getting in touch is that after 5 years letting go, even if it was my choice, is still the hardest thing to do and I may not be ready to so completely. If you want to get back with her I would talk about it. Find out directly from her why. If it is not what you want then stick to your guns with the no contact.

[rd1978]

well i would go back with her,,, see the thing is this WAS needed because we have been togethor since 19 and 20 for the past 5 years,, was a first love thing,, only really knew each other ,, and i know my curiosoty's were all over the place so i couldnt put in my 110% to her .. meanwhile she put in 120%,, and maybe i took it for granted... she is contacting me ALOT on instant messanger,,, i wouldnt really think thats its soley for the reason of being friends,,{ but i could be wrong}..... like i said she can contact me 1 or 2 times a week to be friendly or to ,, try and string me along....

I just dont know what to say to her,, i just want to be like im coming to get you were goign to get icecream or something along those lines,,, or im going to come kidnap you and take you to dinner,,,, the ice needs to be broken,,,,, i know she she loves me very much this time was just needed to clear her head,, and if we can bolth fogive what was done while not togethor then itll be stronger than ever........ any advice or ideas?

[dreamguy]

In my opinion, you should not make the first move if she has been contacting you a lot.

Just keep on answering her until she decides to let her guard down and ask you to meet her someplace (even then don't go into any type of physical touching). If you make the first move and she hasn't "lowered her shields" you might mess it up for good. Always let her be the one to decide when/if it's time to take things one step further since she is the one who left and now she might be coming back.

[bounce]

I agree with letting her make the first move however, you will have to show that you will not turn her down. If she doesn't think that you are interested she won't try. Maybe that is why all the contact, she is looking for some reassurance that there is hope.

[rd1978]

yes i totally agree on what your saying,,, i think she is testing the waters,, on how she feels about me and how i am acting towards her.... she WAS always the one that asked me to hang out ,, if things work out that will change and ill ask her just as much,, so i guess itll have to wait untill she feels comfortable enough,,, like i sais she is ver insecure,, she has no reason to be because she is beautifull but she is,, and sometimes it tends to cause problems,, and i know itll hold her back on possibly asking me to hang out,, because she really doesnt know what is going thru my head,,, something along the lines of this happend once before ,, and i took her back,, so im sure partly that she thinks that was maybe her 1 shot,,, and its been a month and a half since she has seen me so she doesnt know what im up to,,

 

Im thinking about going out his weekend around where i live ,, i know ill run into her,, just have to see what happens....

[dreamguy]

If she lives in a pretty distant (or rather isolated) neighborhood then don't do it ! Because it'll be plain obvious you went there to see her.

If you do end up running into her then you have to be ready to control your feelings. Remember, the goldie locks rule: "not too much and not too little". Probably one of the hardest rules in life... we always tend to fall into the excess one way or the other.

Good luck and if/when you see her don't obsess over the idea that it might not work out and you might lose her.

Cast that thought away and be a man ! Be natural and be confident !

[rd1978]

here is the thing ,, we only live a couple of miles away from each other ,, went to the same high school etc.. etc.. alot of the same friends or she met people thru me... i was actually thinking she was expecting me to go out to the normal places but instead ive been going away to other places or just doing other things,, if i see her out it would be at a place i go more often than she does,, or ever did,, i do get the feeling she has expected to see me there ,,, the 1 good thing about it is i prob know 2 times as many people and aref riends with way more people than she is, that hang out there...i understand confidence is the KEY ,, but not to cocky... not tooo friendly but friendly enough maybe a little flirt or sarcasim here and there but no over kill,,, i think the biggest issue right now is ,,,,, her trusting me and trying to put her wall down,,, if i can make her smile and laugh without going to far that would def make things work,,, andf believe me if things do pan out,, there will be no physical stuff for quite a while expect for just kissing ...... she nees to know im in for the long haul,,, something i would have never imagined id say to her before,, i wont be with her again for casual dating or what not...

[dreamguy]

"there will be no physical stuff for quite a while except for just kissing"

Correct me if I'm wrong but kissing is considered to be one of the most intimate things in a relationship right after sex. It's more intimate than a hug, holding hands, etc...

So to rephrase the "no physical contact stuff" I'll say "no intimate stuff, no stuff that you wouldn't normally do with a girl you would simply consider to be a friend". You have to hold it back until she starts doing it. And even when she does you gotta take it REAL SLOW at first. Remember you're testing the waters as well. And when you usually do that, you don't immediately dive in.

[rd1978]

ok so dreamguy ,,, i totally agree on the kissing thing your right,,, but i went out last night,,, i ended up seeing her out,, and she was with that kid,,, i was with like 5 girls when she saw me ,, she knows most of them because they are my friends,, but they are like most of the hottest girls in the bar,,, so she saw me i was talkign tot his girl so i continued and then i saw them sit down so i continued talking for like 20 minutes,, then i went over by them but they had left,, its funny because all her friends were there to but they left after being there like a half hour,,,, im goign to continue to talk to her and act like no big deal,,, i know she is confused and this guy always asks her to hang out,, im really suprised she left,,, ANY ideas,, oh yeah and i talked to ehr for like a half hour last night ???? 9-11 days she wrote me on instant messanger and those 2 days i wasnt home??? any ideas????

[dreamguy]

If she left about 1/2 hour after you arrived with 5 girls to the bar then chances are YOU WON. Have you ever seen someone leave a bar only 1/2 hour after arriving there (accompanied by friends, not alone) under normal circumstances ? Neither have I.

She couldn't stand the idea of seeing you with them, you ruined her fun and she left with all her friends.

She's clever because if she had left alone then it would have been obvious she was bothered. Anyway, keep playing it cool until she comes to you (then stay very cool and simply friendly but don't reject her)... don't stop now ! And keep us updated.

[rd1978]

all i know i was there talking to my friends,, i look across the bar to her looking at me,, and i turned back and contiued talking to my girls,,, now she was with that guy ,, then i look againt hey are gone so she was only there for like a half hour 45 minutes max.... its funny because i know like 40% of the 100 or so people ther she is frioends with like maybe 10% if she's lucky,, i would have figured she was going to be out in the open w/ him and But i dont know why she left,, her friends all satyed and i was talking to 1 of them and she got into questions with me like who are you hangin out with,,, what have you been up to etc.etc. i didnt really give her any awnsers,,

 

i bet her guy friend would love to know she has been talkign to me basically every day for the past 2 weeks,,, for all i know they are firends or friends w/ benefits? i have no clue

 

I am going out tonight and im sure i will prob see her ,, and i have a feeling it is going to bother her alot.... i was staying away and doing my own **** for a while but no way these were my party places first,,, + i have a girl that is willing to make things interesting and be a little over friendly in front of her..... dont know if it is a good idea.....

i would love to know what the hell is going thru her mind,,, i think her power trip is def fading fast,,, confidence is the key......

[dreamguy]

"But i dont know why she left,, her friends all stayed and i was talking to 1 of them and she got into questions with me like who are you hangin out with, what have you been up to etc.etc. i didnt really give her any answers"

Great going... keep it up. Don't give them straight answers at all. And if you wanna know why your ex left it's because she couldn't handle seeing you with other girl/girls and having fun !! Just remember though, don't push it by kissing another girl in front of her (your ex has feelings too and if you push it she might rule you out for good). And for God's sake stop looking at her. Not even once (even if you have this unbearable urge to do it, just don't) !! She will be looking at you, take my word on that.

[rd1978]

well get this ,, so she write me again last night,, asks me if im doing anything/ going out.... says she isnt interested in any of her options so far... so she might just stay home,,,,,, so i said if your tired just go to sleep,,,, im not asking her to do anything untill she asks me,,, she said i went out last night so i might just relax or do something low key tonight.... i siad yeah i heard you were out i was goign to say hi real quick but then you were gone,,, she was like i didnt see you out,,, i was like yeah and she asked who i was tih and i named like 15 people,, and this 1 girl she didnt reconize her name ,, so she asked me who it was and i told her a friend of a friend,,, She made it seem like she was there with her frineds and not him,,, kinda funny,,, im almost positive she saw me but i could be wrong,,,,, I think she played it that way so she could write me ,, {know what i mean} and she did say she was only there for like 45 minutes,,,

IT's funny how many questions she aske,, like who where when etc. etc. its funny how she still tries to get info out of me,, when its none of her damn buisness,, esp if she is hanging with someone else..... I know im racking the hell out of her brain,,, I know i didnt go to the same place as her last night because the girl that was going to come out with me wasnt around,,, And i dont know how she is going to act when i see her with that dude,, of all the talking she has never braught him up 1 time,, But i know how she will react seeing me with someone else,,,

 

i really dont think they are anything serious,, but who knows,,, i think they just go out togethor to the bars and what not time will tell,,,

In my opinion i think she wants to kinda work it out,, I think she is scared as hell,, i think she now has this other guy ,, but i also thinkshe is coming back to reality ,, i think her going out and partying so much is starting to not be soo much fun anymore

 

the thing is sometimes i think she is contacting me to much ,, and we talk to much,, and she wont miss me,, but then again,,She is writing me not me writing her,,, and it really seemed like she wanted to do something last night ,,

I did run into a girl last night that i had a crush on years ago and she looked good,,, and we talked for a while so im going to get her # and ask her to hang out

[dreamguy]

says she isnt interested in any of her options so far... so she might just stay home,,,,,, so i said if your tired just go to sleep, im not asking her to do anything untill she asks me

Great job !

 

"she said i went out last night so i might just relax or do something low key tonight.... i said yeah i heard you were out i was going to say hi real quick but then you were gone"

Lousy job !

Dude why are you telling her "i was going to say hi real quick but then you were gone". Why tell her what she ignores. What she ignores keeps her guessing and this is what you want until she comes out and says "I made a mistake and I want you back !". Don't volunteer any information you're not forced to give. Be passive ! Anyway, it's not a big problem your overall performance was great.

 

"she was like i didnt see you out"

Lol, yeah sure ! And I'm Albert Einstein !

 

"kinda funny,,, im almost positive she saw me but i could be wrong"

Have no doubts, not only did she see you but I bet she was looking at you for about 40 minutes out of the 45 minutes.

 

"i was like yeah and she asked who i was with and i named like 15 people,, and this 1 girl she didnt recognize her name ,, so she asked me who it was and i told her a friend of a friend,,, She made it seem like she was there with her friends and not him, , I think she played it that way so she could write me"

True, she wanted to have an excuse to write to you. So keep up the "Mr. Mystery" role for now. Why stop doing something when it's working ?

 

I did run into a girl last night that i had a crush on years ago and she looked good,,, and we talked for a while so im going to get her # and ask her to hang out

Go for it but don't talk about your ex at all when you're with that girl.

 

Last but not least, I forgot to tell you guys what my ex said when she called me last night.

She said "I had a dream about you so that's why I'm calling".

I said "I hope it wasn't a nightmare !" and I laughed.

She said "actually it was pretty interesting" then she waited for my reply. She was expecting something like "Oh really ? What was it about".

I said "not bad, but I prefer real life to dreams. I prefer the real deal and I have to admit my life is pretty satisfying right now".

She was shocked and she changed the subject.

 

Keep us posted rd1978

[rd1978]

hey dreamguy... you think i should continue everything as it is with her,,, and talk to her as much as i am? or do you think i should distance myself from instant messenger a litttle to make her think i mean really,,, she has instant messaged me 10 out of 13 days and today is only half way over,,,, w/t/f

I mean she was def there with that guy and aparently she didnt want me to know that ,, but im assuming she would think i know????? I mean i know its good i talk to her she has totally seen the change in me bigtime,,, she's always like i cant believe how much you changed and its like your a totally new person your really growing up,, etc, etc,, But i feel she will never miss me if we are talking so much,,, {she isnt going to get the feeling that she is losing me} although when we talk i dont give her any of THOSE feelings at all.... other than making her laugh and keeping things on the lighter side..... I can see us growing somewhat back togethor by talking as much as we have ,, But i i disturbed the pattern it might make her think? or stick with what im doing,,, i do feel the more i talk to ehr the more she might distance herself from the **** she has been doing...but i dont know what the deal is with this kid,,,,, i know she really loves me,,, and i know she is confused,, so i let her be if she is going to have her fun ,, then so be it ,, if we work things out ,, i want it to be because thats what she wants,, i dont want any back and forth crap,,,,,

 

she has no clue to as what im thinking about her,,,,, i just dont want her to think she can go out with him and talk to me and be in her comfort zone bolth ways,,, i dont know what she would do or how she would act if i saw her with him?.. thats why im aviding seeing her... but she cant go on talking to me the way she is and keep seeing him to much longer,, or im cutting it off/ she cant not talk to me she has proved that many many times... BUT ITS NOT FAIR THAT SHE TALKS TO ME AND HIM

[dreamguy]

"hey dreamguy... you think i should continue everything as it is with her,,, and talk to her as much as i am? or do you think i should distance myself from instant messenger a litttle to make her think i mean really,,, she has instant messaged me 10 out of 13 days and today is only half way over,,,, w/t/f"

Get off instant messenger if you really want to know whether she is really after you because she regrets her decision or because she is only looking for some reassurance that you're still there. If you're always on IM how do you want her to have doubts about you being with someone else ! Disconnect now. Don't join it for more than an hour per day. Make it look like you're really busy and there are a lot of things going on in your life right now.

Don't tell her that, just disappear and she'll know. Become more of a challenge. It's ok to do it, after all you're not the one who turned your back on the relationship.

 

"I mean i know its good i talk to her she has totally seen the change in me bigtime, but i feel she will never miss me if we are talking so much,,,"

Voilà ! you said it yourself "But i feel she will never miss me if we are talking so much". Act upon it ! Don't give in at the first sign of hope. Remember what bounce said in an earlier post: "I agree with letting her make the first move however, you will have to show that you will not turn her down. If she doesn't think that you are interested she won't try."

This is the trickiest part ! How to keep mysterious and in control while not shutting the door in her face. How to seem distant yet close. I think the key is in letting her make the first moves and responding in a comfortable stress-free manner.

 

although when we talk i dont give her any of THOSE feelings at all.... other than making her laugh and keeping things on the lighter side.....

she's always like i cant believe how much you changed and its like your a totally new person your really growing up

Excellent job. Keep her intrigued but don't give in (in fact you should never totally give in, even when/if you're back with her). Let her feel she is working for it. Trust me, we all like to think we're working for a relationship (we all want what we can't have "Psychology 101"). The moment we take things for granted it just becomes dull and we lose interest. The game is over, the challenge no longer exists. We won the game and so we go looking for a new game.

 

"i dont know what the deal is with this kid"

Don't worry about that kid. Focus on playing your cards right. You can't control her. You can influence her. See the difference ?

 

"i just dont want her to think she can go out with him and talk to me and be in her comfort zone both ways"

Do you have any other choice right now ?

I mean you can't ask her to stop seeing him and you can't totally ignore her. Just don't make yourself so available.

When someone else has the power and controls the situation you don't rebel against them. They'll simply crush you. Instead, you play along until you gradually and tactfully acquire back control and then they'll find themselves wanting you (hopefully since nothing is certain). If you think she's worth the wait then you have nothing to lose. You'll be learning a lot from this experience.

 

"but she cant go on talking to me the way she is and keep seeing him to much longer,, or im cutting it off/ she cant not talk to me she has proved that many many times... BUT ITS NOT FAIR THAT SHE TALKS TO ME AND HIM"

You can't cut if off all of a sudden. You'll undo everything you've worked for. Like I said, get off IM and start distancing yourself. The more you do that the more she'll be after you. This is the only way to make her realize her feelings for you are growing once again: when she sees herself going after you.

About things not being fair. Who ever said life is fair ? But you gotta learn to play the hand you've been dealt instead of cursing the dealer.

[rd1978]

well here is the thing i dont really make myself available ,, some of the time she has been talking to me its been when i was at work she gets out a little earlier than me,, and when she writes its always a question,, i dont remember the last time she just said plain hello,,, that was my plan to talk to her as much as possible for like 2 weeks then slowy distance myself,,, i mean something silly like this,,, when i talked to her the other day she was saying how grumpy and in such a bad mood she was,,, now she wouldnt even think about doing anything like that with the other guy.....

 

i would never bring up this other guy,,, But i told her a million time's your not going to talk to me and someone else,, your not going to hang out with someone else and talk to me,,,i told her i will not be the guy of 5 years that stands on the sidelines while she goes out and tests the waters,,,

 

you know this is good this is really making me a much stronger person..... im really starting to get pissy with her which shows that im not hurting over her anymore like i was..... this comment might be a shot in the dark but.... i almsot feel sometimes she si still hanging out witht hat kid so much because we havent started hanging out again,,,,, it really seemed like she wasnted to ahng out on fri night ,,, but i could be wrong ,, she just kept asking me what i was doing ans saying she didnt really like any of her options yet and was bore and what not,, {thats when i told her to go to sleep }

 

ITs funny because the whole upper hand thing... im going to say i dont think she really has it,,, but either do i ... the biggest blow to her would be either seeing me with another girl,, or seeing the 2 of them out and acting like it doesnt bother me what so ever..... yes i do talk to her ,,,SHE contacts me but ,,i do not talk about anything with us... just about current avent and we can talk for a half hour 45 minutes ,, and 80% of the time ill end the conversation.....I think she is falling back in,, her guard is crumbling,,,

 

1 more thing her sis is getting married towards the end of next month,, she had asked me what i wanted to eat at the wedding before we broke up..... now i almsot feel like saying to her,, I dont know what the deal is i dont know if this other kid is going ,, i dont know if she is confused right now .. i dont know if she had any thaughts on asking me??

last time we broke up like a year ago,, After like 2 months i was like im done havew a nice life because you wont be in my future etc. etc. and then she woke up and we wroked things out... i dont get how she can hang out with someone else and not want to lose me