Pursuit

[wellwhynot]

I've read on here so many times about how many people seem to think or at least act like the OW/OM pursued a persons spouse, like they were a reluctant or unwilling partner in all of this. I suppose there may be some situations where the AP does initiate things or where the committed partner is hesitant and "coerced" but that doesn't seem to be the case in the majority of the stories I am aware of it. I own my piece of this, but I certainly didn't chase him for it.

 

Do people really think we follow them around throwing ourselves at them until finally they are just so broken down by our persistance that they can't help but resist us? For real? Does this somehow make them less to blame, or it easier to place the fault on the AP instead of the WS?

 

In most cases I think that there is a mutual attraction. One or the other may approach, but I don't know of anyone that actively goes out of their way to put themselves into this type of relationship, certainly not if the other person doesn't seem willing.

 

I just thought this could be an interesting discussion.

[Artie Lang]

In most cases I think that there is a mutual attraction.

i agree, but in the same vein to say that the relationship(affair) was made from the stars <could be equivalent to> saying that a potential AP pursued their partner. Edited May 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Decorum

[Furious]

Mutual attraction....is often referred to as one of many reasons affairs happen.

 

I've met and know many attractive people, whose personality or sense of humor clicked with mine and if I'd been single I would probably date or persue a more serious relationship with. Just because someone is married does not mean they become blind...the world is filled with attractive people.

 

I don't blame the OW for the affair, no one is forced into an affair, it's a choice, not something that just happened.

 

Without trust, no relationship can survive. It's not against the law to fall out of love, or to divorce. If my husband didn't want or love me, then I would have, no matter how much it hurt, I would let him go.

 

As BS, in my own experience, it's not about the action of falling in love with someone else that hurts, what hurts are the lies I was told, day in day out. I trusted someone who disrespected me, who did not come clean with the truth about the life we lived.

[Radagast]

She approached me but I made the decision to agree. I would not have approached her as I thought she was out of my league, so I am glad she made the approach.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I personally have known 2 women who seem to make a project out of getting involved with married men. They'd deny it if you asked them outright, but it's pretty easy to see the pattern from an outside perspective.

[wellwhynot]

I personally have known 2 women who seem to make a project out of getting involved with married men. They'd deny it if you asked them outright, but it's pretty easy to see the pattern from an outside perspective.

 

That's very interesting. I've never met even one and I have made friends with others on this and other forums FOR other women. I don't actually think I know anyone that has been involved with more than one married man.

I wonder what kind of demographics are at play when that happens.

[frozensprouts]

That's very interesting. I've never met even one and I have made friends with others on this and other forums FOR other women. I don't actually think I know anyone that has been involved with more than one married man.

I wonder what kind of demographics are at play when that happens.

 

my husband ex other woman is one. She's been with him, she's been with the husband of a friend of mine, she's been with at least four or five other married guys on this base, more on the the other base she was on. The typical pattern with her is that she will start talking to a married guy as a friend, and it goes on from there.

 

I haven't heard of very many other men/women like her, and, to be honest, I don't understand why a single woman would prefer affairs. Seems like a lot of trouble, but for whatever reason, it's what suits her. She does have mental health issues though, so maybe that factors in some how.

[woinlove]

That's very interesting. I've never met even one and I have made friends with others on this and other forums FOR other women. I don't actually think I know anyone that has been involved with more than one married man.

I wonder what kind of demographics are at play when that happens.

 

Quite a few used to post here not that long ago as ones who had quite a few MM each, and would argue the case for getting involved with MM over single men. You can probably search old threads to learn about this. We had a lot of frank debates on this topic in the past, where diverse views were presented.

Edited May 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sad puppy]

We became "friends" on facebook through other mutual friends. I posted about a concert and he sent me a private email (v. just responding openly on my wall) asking to notify him the next time the artist was in town.

 

As this was one of 4 requests I had, I just noted it in my head, but did not respond to his email.

 

Later, the artist came into town for a concert, so I posted, openly, on his wall, about the concert.

 

He said he wanted to attend, and then began chiming in on my wall on various posts I had made, about politics, about whatever.

 

By the time we actually met in real life, it was game on. Truly, until he walked in, I didn't know if his wife was coming too or what.

 

He later told me that he thought I didn't respond to his private email because he was married, ... I told him I didn't repsond because I never gave it a second thought, he was just one of many that wanted to be notified the next time this artist was in town.

 

So, there you have it, he reached out to me, he started thinking about my response, he showed up without wife to dinner & concert, he stayed out until 5 in the morning with me, he asked my friend if he ccould drive me home that night as he was in a "roommate marriage and really liked me".

 

I'd call that pursuing. And I'd say his wife wouldn't have been happy with his "going to a concert with friends". I'd also say if I was way smarter, I would've seen his lack of appropriate emotional boundaries, right then & there. But I didn't, took me a long time to figure that whole thing out, but when I did (after he moved out from wife), I walked. See ya.

 

Not someone to trust.

[woinlove]

Quite a few used to post here not that long ago as ones who had quite a few MM each, and would argue the case for getting involved with MM over single men. You can probably search old threads to learn about this. We had a lot of frank debates on this topic in the past, where diverse views were presented.

 

I should clarify that while these OW may have pursued in some cases, they still often described being pursued by MM, just that they were particularly open to such pursuit, perhaps even looking for such pursuit. With initial "seduction" (in either a physical or emotional sense) often being a subtle thing, who pursued who is not always clear as one can make the other person think they are doing the pursuing, if one so chooses. Maybe women are better at this than men.

Edited May 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sad puppy]

I should clarify that while these OW may have pursued in some cases, they still often described being pursued by MM, just that they were particularly open to such pursuit, perhaps even looking for such pursuit. With initial "seduction" (in either a physical or emotional sense) often being a subtle thing, who pursued who is not always clear as one can make the other person think they are doing the pursuing, if one so chooses. Maybe women are better at this than men.

 

Not sure if there's that much strategy and intrigue involved for people. I think it just boils down to people meet, something clicks, whether right away or over time, and then, boom, people cross the line. The affair starts, they either end it somewhat swiftly or continue for a long time. Someone leaves the marriage or not. Usually, regardless of outcome, somebody gets very hurt, if not everybody. If one is wise, one takes what they need from the experience as a lesson.

 

To me, someone that cheats on their spouse, certainly in a long term affair, they are not worthy of trust. To repeatedly lie & betray is not indicative of respect for one's spouse. I don't buy the "fog" explanation one bit. To cheat, in a long term affair, one makes the decision, over and over and over, day after day, month after month, year after year. That's not a "fog", that's willful behavior.

 

I am excluding those that were in super bad, broken marriages, and the love for their affair partner made them "see the light", where they took action to get out of marriage and move on with their lives in a healthy manner. Where affairs occur, it is not always some pristine, happy marriage that was full of lightness and beauty. Bottom line: people don't cheat when they're happy.

[TigerCub]

He pursued me.

He told me he had a kid & was separated from the girlfriend - but that the door isn't totally closed.

 

Because of that, I told him I wouldn't date him (I didn't want to be anyone's half time show).

 

He suggested we be friends. Naively, I thought that was possible.

 

A friendly email here and there, turned into all day emails, coffees and lunches (between friends). We talked about everything and had so much in common it felt unreal. I fell for him.

 

I didn't know what an emotional affair was. And as far as I knew they were separated.

 

The emotional affair was when he "went back" - "for the kid"

 

Later I learned there were kids not just 1 kid, but 2.

 

There were a few physical incidents, but I never slept with him (at the time, I thought that made it less of an affair )

 

I used to have the same idea about OW - being the vixens that just go after married men - but now, I truly don't think that's normally the case.

 

We all make choices, as misguided and stupid and selfish as they may be.

 

I look back and laugh at the thought that I really didn't want to date this guy while he was "separated", but then thru "friendship", it lead down this road. It was an addiction, I did love him, I am responsible for not getting out when he "Went back" - I have to live with that - but no, he certainly pursued me and I completely doubt he was broken up with her at all.

[woinlove]

Not sure if there's that much strategy and intrigue involved for people. I think it just boils down to people meet, something clicks, whether right away or over time, and then, boom, people cross the line. The affair starts, they either end it somewhat swiftly or continue for a long time. Someone leaves the marriage or not. Usually, regardless of outcome, somebody gets very hurt, if not everybody. If one is wise, one takes what they need from the experience as a lesson.

 

I agree with this in many cases. I was following up on the discussion of those who select MM in particular. One poster, for example, liked to have more than one MM at once (because MM's time was constrained, being married and all). For these OW, it is a bit different than something clicking and deciding to cross the line. To them, they didn't see any lines that needed to be crossed. Things were just as they should be, from their perspective.

[stillafool]

I don't think that most people feel that the AP chased the MP. I feel most people think that even though a person is attracted to a MP they should have enough control or morals to 'nip it in the bud' and not engage in an affair.

[Owl]

That's very interesting. I've never met even one and I have made friends with others on this and other forums FOR other women. I don't actually think I know anyone that has been involved with more than one married man.

I wonder what kind of demographics are at play when that happens.

 

There have been several OW here on LS over the years who have done exactly this. While clearly this isn't something that every OW does...it's not as uncommon as your experience has led you to believe.

[Owl]

I've read on here so many times about how many people seem to think or at least act like the OW/OM pursued a persons spouse, like they were a reluctant or unwilling partner in all of this. I suppose there may be some situations where the AP does initiate things or where the committed partner is hesitant and "coerced" but that doesn't seem to be the case in the majority of the stories I am aware of it. I own my piece of this, but I certainly didn't chase him for it.

 

Do people really think we follow them around throwing ourselves at them until finally they are just so broken down by our persistance that they can't help but resist us? For real? Does this somehow make them less to blame, or it easier to place the fault on the AP instead of the WS?

 

In most cases I think that there is a mutual attraction. One or the other may approach, but I don't know of anyone that actively goes out of their way to put themselves into this type of relationship, certainly not if the other person doesn't seem willing.

 

I just thought this could be an interesting discussion.

 

Clearly no one is "coerced" into a relationship.

 

As someone else stated, it starts out as mutual attraction. A VERY common thing.

 

But it takes BOTH PARTIES to agree to pursue that attraction before it becomes a relationship.

 

So given that...both parties have some 'blame' to share in the situation.

[Danie]

I've read on here so many times about how many people seem to think or at least act like the OW/OM pursued a persons spouse, like they were a reluctant or unwilling partner in all of this. I suppose there may be some situations where the AP does initiate things or where the committed partner is hesitant and "coerced" but that doesn't seem to be the case in the majority of the stories I am aware of it. I own my piece of this, but I certainly didn't chase him for it.

 

Do people really think we follow them around throwing ourselves at them until finally they are just so broken down by our persistance that they can't help but resist us? For real? Does this somehow make them less to blame, or it easier to place the fault on the AP instead of the WS?

 

In most cases I think that there is a mutual attraction. One or the other may approach, but I don't know of anyone that actively goes out of their way to put themselves into this type of relationship, certainly not if the other person doesn't seem willing.

 

I just thought this could be an interesting discussion.

 

 

What I wonder is why the OP feels the need to assign 'blame' ? Wouldn't it be wonderful if the relationship didn't have an automatic 'assign blame' attracted to it?

[wellwhynot]

What I wonder is why the OP feels the need to assign 'blame' ? Wouldn't it be wonderful if the relationship didn't have an automatic 'assign blame' attracted to it?

 

As the OP, I never felt the need to assign blame at all. I was simply making statements from what I had seen posted and thought it would make for an interesting discussion. Certainly everyone has their share of responsibiilty... whether they own their part of it of it or not.

[Owl]

What I wonder is why the OP feels the need to assign 'blame' ? Wouldn't it be wonderful if the relationship didn't have an automatic 'assign blame' attracted to it?

 

Most relationships don't have "assign blame" attached to them.

 

They're not affairs.

 

Unfortunately, in an affair where someone is betrayed...blame becomes inevitable.

[thomasb]

She most assuredly pursued me. Was the aggressor before, during and after the affair. After my wife disclosed the affair to family, friends and co-workers, I found out it wasn't the first time for her either. Still no excuse for what I did. Just my experience.

[Bellechica]

I was most definitely pursued, but ultimately it was my decision to allow it to become physical.

[woinlove]

I was most definitely pursued, but ultimately it was my decision to allow it to become physical.

 

Bella, I know you are married, but can't remember if your AP is married or single. Seems relevant to this thread on who pursues who. If both are married, then it hardly matters who pursues, except maybe to their respective spouses.

[frozensprouts]

Either party has the opportunity to say "no" or " I can't be in a relationship with you"...

 

mind you, it does seem like more than just a few married people pull the old lines of " we're "separated" ( does their spouse know that?) or "i'm leaving anyway" or "we are only together for the kids"....

 

I have heard these ( or similar) lines on here so often that it makes me wonder if there is a "cheater's handbook" somewhere out there:laugh:. I suppose some of the time these lines could be the truth, but an awful lot of the time, they are not

 

 

if they are true, perhaps it would be better if, instead of telling someone else these things, it would be better to tell one's spouse so at least they know how their husband/wife is feeling and they can decide together how to proceed...seems a whole lot more honest and pragmatic to me

[beenburned]

All of my H's OW pursued him. They were all young, single, and out for some wild fun.(f*** buddies)

 

I hold my H responsible for not saying NO to them, as they were like groupies.

[findingnemo]

I've heard of people who pursue MMs but I don't personally know any. Most affairs I know start with a mutual attraction. Assigning blame is something the BS does. Sometimes its because the WS makes it sound like it was the AP's fault and rarely does the AP get to tell thier side of the story. Remember that WS' are consummate liars...they have to be to have LTAs. So depending on what the BS wants to believe, it's pretty easy for the blame to be put on the AP.

 

As a BS, it never occured to me to blame the APs. Maybe because I'd been in an AP myself before. I knew that my H had to have painted some wack picture. It really doesn't work otherwise. No A can be sustained by telling the truth. Not if the truth is that all is well at home and the MP just wants to have fun. At least that's how I see it. Love affairs will not survive such truth. But it must be easier to blame another person than the one you love...or the one you've built a life with. It's easier to believe that something is wrong with them and that that something somehow 'made' the WS falter.